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Random Access Humor for 3/93: PC Humor magazine.

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Random Access Humor - March 1993
Monthly electronic humor magazine by and for
the online community. ASCII text.
Free for non-commercial purposes. Contents:
Case of the Call-Back Terrifier; Buccaneer
Board Raided; Breaking Divine Wind; Science
Fiction: TechNo-Geeks; DaffyNitions (A-B);
Taglines Seen Around the Nets; Lettuce to the

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R a N d O m A c C e S s H u M o R RAH! RAH!

Volume 0 Number 6 March 1993

A rag-tag collection of fugitive humor, some of which
is vaguely related to the BBS/Online System world.

Editor: Dave Bealer

Member of the Disktop Publishing Association

Copyright 1993 Dave Bealer, All Rights Reserved

Random Access Humor is an irregular production of:

VaporWare Communications
32768 Infinite Loop
Sillycon Valley, CA. 80486-DX2
USA, Earth, Sol System, Milky Way

The "look and feel" of Random Access Humor has been specifically
earmarked, spindled and polygraphed. Anyone who attempts to copy
this look and feel without express written consent of the publisher
will be fed to rabid radioactive hamsters by our Security Director,
Vinnie "The Knife" Calamari.

About Vaporware Communications.....................................01
Editorial - Overcoming Tragedy.....................................01
Survey Says!.......................................................02
Lettuce to the Editor..............................................03
The Case of the Call-Back Terrifier................................04
Buccaneer Board Raided.............................................05
Stranger Than Fiction: Form Letter.................................05
Breaking Divine Wind...............................................06
DaffyNitions (A-B).................................................08
Science Fiction: TechNo-Geeks......................................10
Taglines Seen Around the Nets......................................11
Masthead - Submission Information.................................A-1
RAH Distribution System...........................................A-2

Random Access Humor Page 1 March 1993

About Vaporware Communications

VaporWare Communications is an operating division of VaporWare
Corporation, a public corporation. Stock Ticker Symbol: SUKR
VaporWare Corporate Officers:

Luther Lecks
President, Chief Egomaniac Officer

Dorian Debacle, M.B.A. Gabriel Escargot
V.P., Operations V.P., Customer Service

Pav Bhaji, M.Tax.(Avoidance) Carlos Goebbels
V.P., Finance V.P., Political Correctness

Kung Pao Har Hoo, M.D., Ph.D., D.Sc. F.A.C.S, C.P.A., S.P.C.A.,
Y.M.C.A., L.E.D., Q.E.D., op. cit., et al.
V.P., Research & Development
Editorial - Overcoming Tragedy
by Dave Bealer

It is with great sorrow that we announce the passing of RAH's ace
investigative reporter, Bernie Krumb. Bernie, tireless worker that
he was, stayed late to work on an assignment a few weeks ago.
According to Vaporware Security Director, Vinnie Calamari, it appears
that the exhausted Bernie became confused and wandered into the pen
where Vinnie keeps his specially trained attack hamsters. Bernie
never stood a chance.

Although he was only on the staff for a few months, we all came to
respect Bernie and appreciate his sense of fair play and team spirit.
He will be sorely missed.

On a happier note, we are pleased to announce that until a permanent
replacement for Bernie can be found, his position is being filled by
staff writer Muffy Mandel. Although somewhat lacking in practical
experience, Muffy has excellent academic credentials. Muffy is a
1992 graduate of the International Celebrity Writers Correspondence
School. The prestigious ICWCS is staffed by such literary luminaries
as Jane Fonda and William Shatner. You may recall their television
ads featuring ICWCS diet book specialist Sally Struthers. We all
wish Muffy great success as she assumes her new duties. {RAH}
Real Life Definitions:

Dessert Storm -- a barrage of whipped cream dumped on an unsuspecting
mound of Jell-O.

Random Access Humor Page 2 March 1993

Survey Says!
by Dave Bealer

I would like to personally thank both of the people who took the time
and trouble to fill out and return the RAH Reader Survey. Statistics
show that less than 10% of magazine readers answer surveys, so these
results indicate that at least 20 or 30 people around North America
read each issue of RAH. This is a gratifying development after only
six months work.

So far results of the survey are mixed:

1) Most respondents favor keeping RAH focused on Computer/BBS/Online
humor, although a vociferous minority are in favor of making RAH
a general interest humor e-mag.

My feeling is that RAH is better off staying in the niche that
has brought it this far. High quality *original* humor that does
not directly deal with the stated focus will always be considered
for publication. Almost any subject matter (within the PG rating
constraints) is fair game for taglines and Sound Bytes (fillers).
As far as funny office memos and other formats go, only send in
those concerned with computers/programming/online/BBS topics.

2) Classified Advertising - most are indifferent to or in favor of
this, provided it is kept within reason.

Soon after the February issue went out the modem, and before any
survey responses were received, I decided to shelve the idea of
having classified ads in RAH. They tend to detract from an epub
that uses them, and they would considerably complicate things for
me by turning RAH into a business. Such complications are likely
to prove inevitable in the long run but, lazy person that I am,
will be put off as long as possible.

OTOH, there is a possibility that free classified ads for other
electronic publications may be offered on a reciprocal basis.

3) Most of the discerning folks who replied correctly identified my
glorious satire as the best part of RAH. Oh, and my modesty too.

4) The "What would you like to see in future issues" question
brought some interesting responses.

a) Sorry, a centerfold of John C. Dvorak is not possible. PKZIP
would choke on the staples.

b) Lettuce to the Editor. What am I, a wabbit? Seriously
though, good idea. Now all we need are some actual letters.
If they aren't forthcoming, I may have to make some up.
{If fact we did get a real letter, which follows.}

c) A large proportion of respondents left this question blank,
indicating, of course, that RAH (like its editor) is already
perfect and requires no changes.

Random Access Humor Page 3 March 1993

>>>> Lettuce to the Editor <<<<

Re your article on CMU's famous Internetted Coke machine:

It was in the vestibule leading to the graduate/employee terminal
room, behind a locked door (taking the famous X key), lest anyone
think it was in the one that we mere snot nosed wet-behind-the-ears
unworthy-of-respect-let-alone-Cokes non-slave undergrads were
allowed to use. (Unless of course we walked behind someone, knew
someone inside, found a key, or worked for them. Me? I ain't
sayin'!) It was filled not by staff but by whoever wanted to, had
the key to said terminal room, and could strong-arm, er, sweet-talk
the staff into lending them the key to the room where the cases of
Coke were kept. There was, tho, a reward: two Cokes per filling.
(It was usually a two-person job, thus one Coke each.) Furthermore,
the machine would report (and act) empty in each column when it
really had a few Cokes left (note that this was not a CMU hack, but
standard Coke-machine behavior), so the fillers got *cold* Cokes.
And these were genuine SIXTEEN-OUNCE classic-shape bottles, for
thirty five cents (or at least it did as late as 1986 or so), not
the "twelve ounce cans for seventy five cents" ripoffs you find at
bus stations and such.

There were ideas floating around to wire other items, such as the
snack machines on the first floor (this terminal room was on the
third). Or even the M&M dispenser that was in the same room! (One
April Fool's Day, legend hath it, some prankster filled it with
Reese's Pieces. People got used to this - but when it got low
someone topped it off with M&Ms again and mixed them well, thus
creating a concoction I call "Hacker Surprise".) Most important,
though, was the proposal to wire the bathrooms on each floor
(usually one of each gender at each end plus the middle of each
floor of Science Hall, now called Wean Hall so the former Scientists
are now Weanies). Thus, the bleary-eyed 4 AM hackers wouldn't need
to leave the terminal room (or office) only to discover that of the
three stalls in the nearest bathroom, two were occupied and one had
a broken toilet, so you had to either go up two flights or down to
the other end of this floor.

Dave Aronson (1:109/120)
Alexandria, VA.
- - - - - -
Thanks for the update, Dave. The original article was written based
on an echo conference report on the famous pop dispenser. Greg has
rather proudly (and at great length) admitted to having once had
possession of one of the mythical 'X' keys that granted access to
that hallowed Shrine for Programmers.
Sound Byte:

Do objects have to pay an inheritance tax?

Random Access Humor Page 4 March 1993

The Computer Crimes Casebook Presents:
The Case of the Call-Back Terrifier
by Dave Bealer

It was a dark and stormy night. No, wait. There once was a girl
from, that's not it either.

NerdBIOS V0.97(VHS)
Personality Carousel V2+ Schizo-Initialization Complete

There once was a sysop, whose name was Quasi Modem. Quasi lived in a
really cool loft condo in a former bell tower. Like most sysops,
Quasi had virtually no social life. Quasi ran a standard message and
file board called Seal Pup Souffle. Quasi was not into political
correctness, he was into handles.

Everything was going splendidly for Quasi until he started to suffer
from delusions that his users were trying to take advantage of him.
Some of the dastardly fiends were even trying to evade the download
ratios by logging on with different names. Quasi was absolutely sure
of this because he can "sense" these things.

Quasi decided to address this problem by installing call-back
verifier software on his system. This would keep the dreaded file
leaches from using more than one name to attack his system.

New users started complaining to Quasi about the inconvenience of
using the new-fangled CBV, but Quasi knew the whiners must all be
frustrated leaches and kicked them off his system. Then one day
Quasi's hard disk blew up. Of course, the Universal Computer Law
assured that none of the backups worked.

This really didn't bother Quasi, since now he had the perfect excuse
to make all his existing users re-register using the CBV and the cool
Caller ID system he had just installed. The file leaches would be
squashed once and for all!

Many of Seal Pup Souffle's most active users complained bitterly
about the new system. Some folks called late at night and were
forced to run around the house turning off all the telephone ringers
so as not to wake sleeping family members when the dread beast called
back. Often, the wait for the return call was in vain.

Quasi knew his software just *had* to be working fine, it always did!
Besides, door software is always bug free, everyone knows that! The
bums who weren't completing the CBV process just couldn't handle
typing ATA when the return call came. Serves 'em right! Worse yet,
these creeps were probably file leeches and should be kept out of the
new setup completely.

The final straw for many previously active users came when the Caller
ID system kept them from logging on Seal Pup Souffle from any phone
line other than their home data line. Quasi Modem soon found himself
with a small handful of users and a vastly under used system.

Random Access Humor Page 5 March 1993

Quasi Modem quickly degenerated into a bitter, broken sysop. His
once friendly user base was in ruins. Quasi's sole consolation was
that he now had time to write and distribute those viruses he had
begun to dream punish the leeches that destroyed his board!
{Editor's Note: The following is satire. The editors and publisher
of RAH in no way condone software piracy.}

Buccaneer Board Raided
by Muffy Mandel

The Software Persecution Cooperative (SPC) triumphantly announced a
raid by federal agents on a popular multiline bulletin board system
(BBS) in Boredman, Ohio (which is probably redundant). The board,
Adolph and Idi's BBS, was operated by a mysterious group calling
themselves the Dead Dictators Society (DDS).

The DDS is a group of self-proclaimed "software buccaneers" who
operate buccaneer boards named after dead dictators. The DDS is also
suspected of being the motivating force behind Laffite Software of
New Orleans, which has narrowly dodged all investigations aimed at it
to date. The SPC refers to the activities of DDS members and their
organizations as software piracy. A DDS spokesperson, speaking on
condition of anonymity, commented that, "The SPC is a front for the
big time software vendors, who bleed the computing public white with
overpriced, underpowered software. We're just looking out for the
little guy."

The FBI released a partial list of equipment seized in the raid:
123 personal computers of various makes and models; misc. peripheral
equipment, including 136 modems; 3 photocopiers; 22 cutlasses; 5
black powder pistols; a 32 gun sailing frigate; 60 fragmentation
hand grenades and 2 150-megaton nuclear warheads. The haul was
characterized as "average armament for this type of board." {RAH}
Stranger Than Fiction: Form Letter
by Dave Bealer

Since the "real world" persists in creating funnier stuff than even
my twisted mind can imagine, we will publish some tidbits regularly,
at least whenever we come across something suitable. An acquaintance
at Bucknell has confirmed the veracity of the following tale. Some
time back the Bucknell University Library received a form letter
which began as follows:

Bertram Memorial Library
Bucknell University
Lewisburg, PA ...

Dear Bertram,

Now you and Mrs. Library can enjoy....

This says something about the quality of mass-mailing software. {RAH}

Random Access Humor Page 6 March 1993

Breaking Divine Wind
by Greg Borek (1:261/1129)

Contrary to popular opinion, the user support hotline desk at
Kamikaze computer is not a large, spacious room that boasts a window
with a panoramic view of the Pacific Ocean. The actual conditions,
almost too inhuman to mention, aren't too much unlike life at the
bottom of missile silo: flickering florescent lighting, an extremely
squeaky laser printer, a fax machine that insists on beeping very
loudly to announce its presence at random intervals, coffee that was
specifically mentioned in the Nuremberg war trials, and a smoking
policy that only someone who lives in a chimney would enjoy.

Under these adverse conditions, our hero with the
public. Let's listen in:

Support: Kamikaze Computer user support hotline, my name is Bob, how
can I help you?

Customer: Hello Bob. I bought a model A6M computer and I am having
some problems with the floppy drive.

Support: Let's see. The A6M has high density 5.25" floppy drives.
What sort of problems are you having?

Customer: Well, the drive is awfully slow and really squeaky.

Support: Squeaky...Hmm. Sounds to me that it needs some lubrication.
I recommend processed american cheese food.

Customer: You want me to feed the mouse cheese?

Support: No, of course not. That would be silly. Take the cheese
out of the wrapper, put it in the disk drive and reboot the machine.

Customer: Um...are you sure?

Support: Of course I am. Only processed american cheese food
contains the correct ratio of dairy and petroleum by-products to
correctly lubricate a disk drive. When you call back remember to ask
for Bob. Enjoy your Kamikaze and have a nice day. Kamikaze
Computer user support hotline, my name is Bob, how can I help you?

Customer: My name is Grandpa Jones.

Support: Nice to meet you Mr. Jones. How can I help you?

Customer: I bought one of your computers and it's a piece of junk.

Support: That's not fair, Mr. Jones. What seems to be the matter?

Customer: It doesn't work.

Support: Well, Mr. Jones, could you be more specific? Did you
assemble the computer yourself?

Random Access Humor Page 7 March 1993

Customer: Assemble? I took it out of the box and it just sits there.

Support: Did you attach any of the shiny black wires that came with
the computer from the computer to the power outlet on the wall?

Customer: Wires?

Support: How exactly did you expect the computer to work when it
isn't even plugged in? If you look carefully the box says "Computer"
and not "Fusion Reactor"; it doesn't generate it's own power, you
must do something we technical people call "plugging it in". On
second thought, I recommend that you don't even assemble your
computer for fear of infecting it with your startling stupidity. When
you call back remember to ask for Bob. Have a nice day.
Kamikaze Computer user support hotline, my name is Bob, how can I
help you?

Customer: Hello. I recently purchased one of your computers through
the mail and I was wondering what FCC class it is.

Support: Which model do you have?

Customer: Oh, I'm sorry, I should have said. Let me see, I have the
documentation right here,...oh, yes, it's a N1K1.

Support: Oh, a top of the line model. Well, that would be FCC class

Customer: Class B, huh? Thank you. Also, I am concerned about the
computer intefering with the TV and radio reception in my home. The
question is, what is the best room in the house to put the computer?

Support: The higher off the ground the better.

Customer: Why higher off the ground?

Support: Let me let you in on a not widely known electrical
engineering secret. It is the little publicized Kirchhoff's Other
Law: The higher off the ground the computer is, the faster it runs.

Customer: Really?

Support: Oh, yes. Have you ever seen a Cray computer? No, of course
not. No one has. Why? Because they are tied to weather balloons
and kept at very great altitude. They would use planes to keep them
suspended in midair but they interfere with hard drives.

Customer: I didn't know that. So where should I put the computer?

Support: On the roof.

Customer: On the roof? Isn't it going to get wet up there?

Support: Most likely.

Random Access Humor Page 8 March 1993

Customer: I think that it's pretty irresponsible to recommend putting
a computer somewhere it can get wet.

Support: Not as irresponsible as purchasing several thousand dollars
of computer equipment through the mail, sight unseen. When you call
back remember to ask for Bob. Enjoy your Kamikaze and have a nice
day. Kamikaze Computer user support hotline, my name is Bob,
how can I help you?

Customer: Hi there, Bob. I was wondering if you could quote me the
prices for several Kamikaze computer models.

Support: This is the user support hotline. The sales lines are
available during regular business hours. What model of computer were
you interested in, anyway?

Customer: I was wondering if you had a 486DX2 at 66 Mhz with over a
500 Meg hard disk, say for under $1000.

Support: No, you cheap bastard. What do want us to do just mail you
a computer for free? When you call back be sure to ask for Bob.

New Person: Hello, Chuck. How's it going manning the hotline on your
last day?

Support: I'll tell you Bob, the phone has been ringing off the hook,
one call right after another. I don't mind though, keeps me busy.

New Person: Well, Chuck, I'm really sorry to hear about you getting
laid off. I hope it's not been too rough on you.

Support: I've learned to deal with it in my own way. Good luck, Bob.
Have fun on the phones tomorrow night. {RAH}

DaffyNition TagLines (A-B)
compiled by Rob Nykvist (Theodore, AL)

Acoustic: Instrument used in billiards...

Adolescence: The stage between puberty and adultery...

Alarm clock: Something that makes people rise and whine...

Alarm clock: A machine that scares the daylights into you...

Alfred Hitchcooking: Stabbing frozen peas to get them to cook

Alimony: The screwing you get for the screwing you got...

Amateur hour: That 60 minutes after the bars close...

Random Access Humor Page 9 March 1993

An udder failure: Cow that doesn't give milk...

Annoying: Two people who go right on talking when you're

Archaeologist: A man whose career lies in ruins...

Artery: Study of fine paintings...

Astronaut: Whirled traveler...

Atheism: A non-prophet organization...

Bacteria: The rear portion of the cafeteria...

Baby philosophy: If it stinks, change it...

Bachelor: One who never makes the same mistake once...

Bachelor: One who's footloose and fiance free...

Barium: What doctors do when treatment fails...

Bathing Beauty: A girl worth wading for...

Baudy House: Bordello with a modem...

BBS Trek: The Text Generation...

Belly Dancers: People who use sign language and stutter...

Below Average Pilot: Unequal number of takeoffs and landings...

Blind Spot: What Dick and Jane did to be cruel...

Bore: A person who has nothing to say and says it...

Bowel: A letter like A, E, I, O, or U...

Brassiere: A tit-tote...

Buccaneer: The price of corn on the cob...

Bulldozer: One who can sleep through a campaign speech...

Bunnies hopping backward: A receding hareline...

Bureaucat: A kitty who sleeps on your undies... {RAH}
Real World Definitions:

1) Funda--pertaining to the bottom or beneath
2) Mental--pertaining to thought or to the mechanism of thinking

Fundamentalist--(a) one who is beneath thought; (b) a butthead

Random Access Humor Page 10 March 1993

Science Fiction: TechNo-Geeks (SF:TNG)
by Dave Bealer

Advanced technology has been the backbone of science fiction
throughout the history of the genre. Whiz-bang special effects
and fantastic bug-eyed monsters from fascinating alien cultures are
the magnets that have drawn millions to theatres and TV screens for
the past forty years. But, with the exception of the shopworn "alien
invasion" sub-genre, advanced technology is what has allowed mankind
to venture forth into space and meet these wonderful, and often
terrible, aliens.

In the 1950s, with few true frontiers left on this planet, many
people sought an escape, even for a short time, in the alien
landscapes of science fiction. The aliens were invariably short,
green and bug-eyed. Computers were masses of blinking, beeping
machinery. In those early years when real computers were shown on
the screen, the part usually shown was the tape drives. That's
because spinning tapes are about the only part of real mainframe
computers that actually *do* anything interesting. The sad truth is
that the science fiction movies of this period are regular (and quite
appropriate) subjects of ridicule on _Mystery Science Theatre 3000_.

A classic example of this phenomenon was the early-sixties TV series
_Time Tunnel_, which featured a huge underground science complex
under the desert of the Southwestern U.S. The projects's massive
computer was controlled by two large control panels in front of the
tunnel entrance, staffed by the lead technicians on the project. The
remainder of the computer was mostly represented by two banks of tape
drives, complete with madly spinning tape reels. The fact that the
system never seemed to work correctly can probably be traced to the
fact that all of the project applications were written in COBOL...
un-structured COBOL.

Automata sensitivity experts now believe that Colossus, the star of
_Colossus: The Forbin Project_ would never have turned to evil if it
had been programmed in a friendly language like C or BASIC, rather
than the anal-retentive FORTRAN. Computers hell-bent on destroying
mankind remain a popular sub-genre of science fiction. Joshua's tape
drives were much in evidence in the 1983 thriller _Wargames_. Also
popular is the "Killer Robot" syndrome, as portrayed by the Cylons in
_Battlestar Galactica_. The epitome of this classification is, of
course, Arnold Schwarzenegger's loquacious _Terminator_.

In 1966 a new presence appeared on the small screen that changed the
landscape of science fiction forever. _Star Trek_ debuted to a great
deal of acclaim from viewers, but was cancelled just three years
later, despite hundreds of thousands of letters from fans. I shall
now reveal, at great personal risk, the *real* reason the original
_Star Trek_ series was cancelled. It was the computers on board the
_Enterprise_ - which never used tape drives. Network executives
couldn't cope with the idea of computers without spinning, blinking

tape drives to show on screen.

Random Access Humor Page 11 March 1993

Actually, that's not true. The *real* reason _Star Trek_ was
cancelled was that *I* liked it! That's right. During the sixties
and early seventies any TV program which I enjoyed watching was
promptly cancelled. Don't worry, intensive counseling has helped me
overcome this great tragedy of my childhood. I *do* still exhibit a
Former Chief Inspector Dreyfus-like facial twitch whenever someone
pours me a big bowl of Wheaties. But the shrink says there is only a
slight chance of my becoming a cereal killer.

Each generation of science fiction has had its technological
advances, needed to keep ahead of rapidly advancing real scientific
achievement. The syndicated series _Star Trek: The Next Generation_
(ST:TNG) has set new records for sheer volume of ridiculous techno-
babble and pseudo-technology foisted on the audience in the name of
plot. Lt. Cmdr. Data may be an android, but precious little remains
of Captain Picard's original human body. That poor old guy has been
through the wringer. Only a piece of his right big toe is original.
Everything else has been replaced, and in some cases enhanced, by the
brilliant (and libidinous) Dr. Beverly Crusher.

The unbelievable scientific conjuring that is perpetrated in the Big
E's engineering area (not to mention the holodeck) leads to the
obvious conclusion that there is little difference between the
technology of ST:TNG and _Weird Science_, except Geordi and Data
aren't wearing bras on their heads when they create their "miracles".
--- Taglines Seen Around the Nets

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

It was the best of lines, it was the worst of lines...

A dirty book is seldom dusty.

Fish are so hard to toilet train.

Lawyers: the larval form of politicians.

I'm an apathetic sociopath - I'd kill you if I cared.

And they shall plow their swords into beach chairs.

Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

Shareware author dies: .GIF at eleven!

It's a dog-eat-dog world and I'm wearing Milk-Bone shorts.

If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

Creditors have much better memories than debtors.

The upper crust is just a bunch of crumbs clinging together.

Random Access Humor Page 12 March 1993

If you hear an onion ring, please answer it!

If you stand up to be counted someone will take your seat.

Pollytheism n.; the belief that God is a parrot.

If you ain't Moslem, you ain't Shiite.

Here I sit, in a tizzy - all my favorite boards are busy.

I'm not Canadian, although I tend to like their bacon.

I smell a rat. Did you bake it or fry it?

What fools these morals be?

"Old poets never die, they just ride off into the sonnet."

I'll have one brain on drugs with bacon, toast and juice.

Psst, your file is open.

Computer illiteracy? You mean my computer's supposed to READ?

Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.

Error reading FAT record. Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

Apathy error: Don't bother striking any key.

Will that be cache or chkdsk?

Ignorance is temporary; Stupidity lasts forever!!!

The weather is here, wish you were beautiful.

You've got to hand it to the IRS. If not, they'll come and take it.

If love is blind, lingerie makes great braille.

We all live in a yellow subroutine.

Money is the root of all evils. Send $20 for more information.

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

We secretly replaced the dilithium crystals with Folgers crystals..

Editing is a rewording activity.

File not found, but if you'll hum a few bars...

Random Access Humor Page A-1 March 1993

Random Access Humor Masthead:

Editor: Dave Bealer

Contributing Editor: Greg Borek

Contact: The Puffin's Nest BBS
FidoNet: 1:261/1129
BBS: (410) 437-3463 (1200-14400/V.32bis)

Regular Mail: (Only if you have no other way to reach us!)
Random Access Humor
c/o Dave Bealer
P.O. Box 595
Pasadena, MD. 21122 USA

Random Access Humor (RAH) is published monthly by Dave Bealer as a
disservice to the online community. Although the publisher's BBS may
be a part of one or more networks at any time, RAH is not affiliated
with any BBS network or online service. RAH is a compilation of
individual articles contributed by their authors. The contribution
of articles to this compilation does not diminish the rights of the
authors. The opinions expressed in RAH are those of the authors and
are not necessarily those of the publisher.

Random Access Humor is Copyright 1993 Dave Bealer. All Rights
Reserved. Duplication and/or distribution is permitted for non-
commercial purposes only. Any system which charges hourly connect
fees is obviously commercial. Any system which charges more than $10
per month ($120/yr) for download privileges is considered to be a
commercial system for these purposes and may not distribute RAH. RAH
may not be distributed on diskette, CD-ROM or in hardcopy form for a
fee. For any other use, contact the publisher.

RAH may only be distributed in unaltered form. Online systems whose
users cannot access the original binary archive file may offer it for
viewing or download in text format, provided the original text is not
modified. Readers may produce hard copies of RAH or backup copies on
diskette for their own personal use only. RAH may not be distributed
in combination with any other publication or product.

Many of the brands and products mentioned in RAH are trademarks of
their respective owners.

Copies of the current issue of RAH may be obtained by manual download
or Wazoo/EMSI File Request from The Puffin's Nest BBS (FREQ: RAH), or
from various sites in several BBS networks. Back issues of RAH may
be obtained by download or file request from The Puffin's Nest BBS.

Article contributions to RAH are always welcome. All submissions
must be made electronically. File attach your article to a netmail
message to Dave Bealer at 1:261/1129. E-mail may also be sent via
Internet to: [email protected]

Random Access Humor Page A-2 March 1993

Tagline and filler submissions may be made via e-mail. Article
submissions should be made via file. Submitted files must be plain
ASCII text files in normal MS-DOS file format: artname.RAH; where
artname is a descriptive file name and RAH is the mandatory
extension. Your text should be less than 70 columns across for
widest readability. If your article does not conform to these simple
specs, it may get lost or trashed. Also note that such imaginative
names as RAH.RAH might get overlaid by the blatherings of similarly
minded contributors. If your hardware is incapable of producing file
names in the proper format, you may send your article as one or more
e-mail messages. It will not be possible to make private responses
to any submissions or correspondence received.

The editors reserve the right to publish or not to publish any
submission as/when they see fit. The editors also reserve the right
to "edit", or modify any submission prior to publication. This last
right will rarely be used, typically only to correct spelling or
grammar misteaks that are not funny. RAH is a PG rated publication,
so keep it (mostly) clean.

RAH can accept only the following types of material for publication:
1) Any material in the public domain.
2) Material for which you own the copyright. If you wrote it
yourself, you are automatically the copyright holder.
3) Authorized agents for a copyright holder (typically an
organization) may submit material on behalf of that holder.

In writing jargon, RAH is deemed to be given "One Time Rights" to
anything submitted for publication unless otherwise noted in the
message accompanying the contribution. You still own the material,
and RAH will make no use of the material other than publishing it
electronically in the usual manner. Your article may be selected for
publication in a planned "Best of RAH" electronic book. If you want
your copyright notice to appear in your article, place it as desired
in the text you submit. Previously published articles may be
submitted, but proper acknowledgement must be included: periodical
name, date of previous publication.

RAH Distribution System:
(Sites bearing the designation will accept your
contributions and forward them to the editors.)
(All these systems would be good places to find sysops with a sense
of humor...seemingly a rarity these days.)

The Puffin's Nest Pasadena, MD. Sysop: Dave Bealer
FidoNet> 1:261/1129 (410) 437-3463 14400 (V.32bis)
SailNet> 53:5000/1129 CinemaNet> 68:1410/101
Current RAH Issue (text format): FReq: RAH
Current RAH Issue (Readroom format): FReq: RAHR
Back Issues of RAH: (text) FReq: RAHmmyy.ZIP
(RAH0992.ZIP for premiere issue)
Back Issues of RAH: (Readroom) FReq: RAHmmyyR.ZIP
(RAH0293R.ZIP and later only)
Complete Writers Guidelines: FReq: RAHWRITE
Complete Distributor Info: FReq: RAHDIST

Random Access Humor Page A-3 March 1993

RAH Gateway Systems:

Pooh's Corner Fells Point, MD. Sysop: Mark Truelove
FidoNet> 1:261/1131 (410) 327-9263 14400 (V.32bis)
RBBSnet> 8:936/206 FilNet> 33:410/0 CandyNet> 42:1031/1

The Depths of Hell Bayonne, NJ. Sysop: Eric Knorowski
FidoNet> 1:107/813 (201) 437-5706 16800 (HST/Dual)
FishNet> 21:102/101 CandyNet> 42:1011/1 ChateauNet> 100:5801/100

007LZ Southfield, MI. Sysop: Gary Groeller
FidoNet> 1:120/636 (313) 569-4454 14400 (V.32bis)
W-Net_fts> 66:636/1

The Edge of Sanity Dearborn, MI. Sysop: Tom Smith
FidoNet> 1:2410/279 (313) 584-1253 9600 (V.32)
SogNet> 91:7/4279

H*A*L Muskogee, OK. Sysop: Lloyd Hatley
FidoNet> 1:3813/304 (918) 682-7337 14400 (V.32bis)
RFNet> 73:102/1 RANet> 72:918/21 LuvNet> 77:101/1
DoorNet> 75:7918/205

The Shop Mail Only Flushing, NY. Sysop: Steve Matzura
FidoNet> 1:2603/203 (718) 460-0201 14400 (V.32bis)
ADAnet> 94:7180/1 JayNet> 17:99/100 WorldNet 62:4400/200
MusicNet.FTN> 88:8001/12
WRITER'S BIZ BBS Waynesville, MO. Sysop: Rick Arnold
FidoNet> 1:284/201 (314) 774-5327 14400 (v.32bis)
RBBSnet> 8:921/705

Cyberdrome Philadelphia, PA. Sysop: Mike Taylor
FidoNet> 1:273/937 (215) 923-8026 14400 (V.32bis)
PodsNet> 93:9600/2

Abiogenesis Kansas City, MO. Sysop: Scott Lent
FidoNet> 1:280/310 (816) 734-4732 14400 (V.32bis)
VirNet> 9:103/110 MailNet> 20:416/310 SuperNet> 43:1315/102

RAH Official Distribution Sites:

J & J Online Chickasaw 1:3625/440 (205) 457-5901 V.32bis
Night Watch Birmingham 1:3602/26 (205) 841-2790 HST/Dual

Dragon's Cave Berkeley 1:161/412 (510) 549-0311 V.32bis
InfoMat BBS San Clemente (NoFido) (714) 492-8727 HST/Dual
Automation Central San Jose 1:143/110 (408) 435-2886 V.32bis
The Software Station Saugus 1:102/1106 (805) 296-9056 V.32
Marin County Net Sausalito 1:125/55 (415) 331-6241 HST/Dual

Random Access Humor Page A-4 March 1993

The Software Cuisine Miami 1:135/57 (305) 642-0754 V.32bis

The Blue Note BBS Pocatello 1:347/26 (208) 233-8782 V.32bis

The Crossroads BBS Chicago 1:115/743 (312) 587-8756 HST/Dual
The Loonatic Fringe Elk Grove 1:115/542 (708) 290-8877 V.32

Digicom Evansville 1:2310/200 (812) 479-1310 HST/Dual

Wit-Tech Baltimore 1:261/1082 (410) 256-0170 V.32bis
Outside the Wall Baltimore 1:261/1093 (410) 665-1855 V.32
Pooh's Corner Fells Point 1:261/1131 (410) 327-9263 V.32bis
The Puffin's Nest Pasadena 1:261/1129 (410) 437-3463 V.32bis

The Edge of Sanity Dearborn 1:2410/279 (313) 584-1253 V.32
CALnet @node.1 Detroit 1:2410/120 (313) 836-8275 V.32bis
007LZ Southfield 1:120/636 (Mail only) V.32bis

Abiogenesis Kansas City 1:280/310 (816) 734-4732 V.32bis
WRITER'S BIZ BBS Waynesville 1:284/201 (314) 774-5327 V.32bis

New Jersey
The Depths of Hell Bayonne 1:107/813 (201) 437-5706 HST/Dual

New Mexico
High Mesa Publishing Los Lunas 1:301/1 (505) 865-8385 V.32
Paula's House of Mail Los Lunas 1:301/301 (505) 865-4082 HST

New York
The Wall-2 Middle Village 1:278/612 (718) 335-8784 HST/Dual
The Shop Mail Only Flushing 1:2603/203 (mail only) V.32bis

H*A*L Muskogee 1:3813/304 (918) 682-7337 V.32bis

Cyberdrome Philadelphia 1:273/937 (215) 923-8026 V.32bis
Milliways Pittsburgh 1:129/179 (412) 766-1086 HST/Dual

Quebec, Canada
Supernova BBS Scotstown 1:257/40 (819) 657-4603 2400

Incredible BBS Burleson 1:130/82 (817) 447-2598 V.32

Data Empire Fredericksburg 1:274/31 (703) 785-0422 HST

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