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Random Access Humor - October 1993 Monthly electronic humor magazine by and for the online community. ASCII text. Free for non-commercial purposes.

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Random Access Humor - October 1993
Monthly electronic humor magazine by and for
the online community. ASCII text. Free for
non-commercial purposes. Contents: History
Lesson; As the Hard Drive Turns, Pt 4; Say
What?!; Windows to the Soul; Floods and
Locusts; Aussies in the Palace; Grunged
Glossary; RAH Humor Review: Mystery Science
Theater 3000; RAH Needs A Logo!


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Random Access Humor – October 1993 Monthly electronic humor magazine by and for the online community. ASCII text. Free for non-commercial purposes.
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Contents of the RAH9310.TXT file



R a N d O m A c C e S s H u M o R RAH! RAH!

Volume 0 Number D October 1993

A rag-tag collection of fugitive humor, some of which
is vaguely related to the BBS/Online System world.

Editor: Dave Bealer

Member of the Digital Publishing Association

Copyright 1993 Dave Bealer, All Rights Reserved

Random Access Humor is an irregular production of:

VaporWare Communications
32768 Infinite Loop
Sillycon Valley, CA. 80486-DX2
USA, Earth, Sol System, Milky Way


WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
The "look and feel" of Random Access Humor has been specifically
earmarked, spindled and polygraphed. Anyone who attempts to copy
this look and feel without express written consent of the publisher
will be fed to rabid radioactive hamsters by our Security Director,
Vinnie "The Knife" Calamari.


TABLE OF INCONTINENCE:
About Vaporware Communications.....................................01
Editorial - Long Night's Journey Into Day..........................01
Lettuce to the Editor..............................................03
The History Lesson.................................................04
As the Hard Drive Turns, Pt 4......................................06
Say What?!.........................................................08
Windows to the Soul................................................09
Floods and Locusts.................................................14
Aussies in the Palace..............................................15
Grunged Glossary...................................................16
RAH Humor Review: Mystery Science Theater 3000.....................16
RAH Needs A Logo!..................................................17
Announcements......................................................19
Masthead - Submission Information.................................A-1
RAH Distribution System...........................................A-2

Random Access Humor Page 1 October 1993

About Vaporware Communications

VaporWare Communications is an operating division of VaporWare
Corporation, a public corporation. Stock Ticker Symbol: SUKR
VaporWare Corporate Officers:

Luther Lecks
President, Chief Egomaniac Officer

Dorian Debacle, M.B.A. Gabriel Escargot
V.P., Operations V.P., Customer Service

Pav Bhaji, M.Tax.(Avoidance) Carlos Goebbels
V.P., Finance V.P., Political Correctness

Kung Pao Har Hoo, M.D., Ph.D., D.Sc. F.A.C.S, C.P.A., S.P.C.A.,
Y.M.C.A., L.E.D., Q.E.D., op. cit., et al.
V.P., Research & Development
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Editorial - Long Night's Journey Into Day
by Dave Bealer

I am not a morning person...never have been. Ever since childhood I
have most unwillingly answered those early morning alarm calls. On
certain Saturday mornings in the Spring and Summer my grandfather,
father and I would go fishing. These outings were most enjoyable, at
least after I really woke up, which usually happened just before it
was time to head home.

Last October I finally found my dream job. I was promoted into
supervision on night shift. I now have to be at work by 3 PM, which
means I don't have to get up in the morning unless I want to. As a
result I'm happier, more alert, and more productive than on day
shift. This also leaves the late night hours (when I'm at my best)
for writing. I can go to bed at 4 or 5 AM and sleep as long as
needed.

The only real problem is when I need to attend a training class,
seminar or conference. These are all held on day shift, which means
I actually have to set an alarm (horror of horrors!). It's bad
enough when the interruption of my routine lasts an entire week. At
least this gives me time to adjust my schedule to day shift over the
first weekend and adjust it back to night shift on the second
weekend. The real headache is when the interruption only lasts a day
or two, and occurs in the middle of the week.

It used to puzzle me why shift workers I knew universally despised
swing shift. I thought it would be "interesting" to have a varied
schedule. Silly boy. This past month has provided me with working
examples of both kinds of interruption. An entire week on day shift
followed by the next Wednesday on day shift. I'm still trying to
recover.

Random Access Humor Page 2 October 1993

As a result of this catastrophic disruption of my neatly balanced
creative equilibrium I have been unable to complete much in the way
of articles for RAH this month. Fortunately the other contributors
came through with flying colors. All three contributing editors have
come up with at least one article, and RAH's Ace Reporter, Muffy
Mandel, is ready with a story on Vaporware executive Dorian Debacle.

Found in Yonkers
================
After my complaints last month about the lack of new contributors, it
was inevitable that at least a few folks would respond. John Downey
of Yonkers, New York is the newest member of the RAH writing team.
John makes his debut with a scathing indictment of the Windows
conspiracy. As a long time DOS command-line cowboy, I am trying to
get John into a treatment program for his GUI addiction.

The Write Stuff
===============
It has come to my attention that there may be new writers out there
who do not submit their material to RAH because "it isn't good
enough." If you fall into that category, read on. The following
tale was related by Patricia C. Wrede, an established fantasy author.

There is a story about a wannabe writer who ran into John Campbell,
then editor of _Analog Magazine_, at a convention. The writer
mentioned that he wrote SF short fiction. Campbell asked if he had
ever sent any to _Analog_. The writer said no, because they weren't
good enough. Whereupon Campbell drew himself up and said in a
terrible voice, "How dare you reject stories for MY MAGAZINE?"

Get it, people? If you have written something you think may be
appropriate for RAH (or any other magazine), SEND IT IN! The worst
that can happen is that it will be rejected. That's not the end of
the world. I have tons of rejection slips; every real writer does.

This is not to say you should send academic articles on electrical
engineering to RAH or erotic fiction to Guideposts. Use a little
common sense. The point is, once you have determined that your piece
fits the general category of material published by a given magazine,
let the editor decide if it is exactly right for his magazine or not.
That's his job! Your job is to write the best story/article you can.
{RAH}
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Seen on a hall wall at NASA's Jet Propulsion Labs:
(each letter appears to have been cut out of a magazine
and pasted on the paper )

we have your
satellite if you
want it back
send 20 billion
in martian
money. No funny
business or
you will never
see it again

Random Access Humor Page 3 October 1993

Lettuce to the Editor

From: Tom ?
To: [email protected]
Subject: Query

Been meaning to send you a letter saying how funny yr stuff was and
how much I've been enjoying it. Then this issue came along and I
write instead--no, in addition--with a complaint.

How do you get that way? You make this long list of canonical files
and then don't say where they're posted. Hey, everybody, here's a
whole bunch of funny jokes I found. You should read them." Well,
yeah, man. Sure. I can dig it. Sounds funny to me too. Thanks for
the tip.

NOW WHERE ARE THEY!! Grrr. Grrr....

If they do have a single, simple place, I'd love to have you e-mail
the secret to me so I can bounce some more e-mail ftp requests to the
archive spots you indicate.

I look forward to your reply as well as to future issues.

Tom
- - - - - - - - -
Hi Tom,

You bring up a good point. The idea behind the article was to make
fun of the concept of canonical lists. For some reason it never
occurred to me that readers would actually try to locate these lists.
Since almost half of the lists in the article were made up my me, it
will be most difficult to find them, unless someone decides to create
them.

Those that are real are posted regularly on the rec.humor newsgroup.
There is no common FTP site that I'm aware of. Each list (and there
are really dozens of them) may or may not be available for download
somewhere. If someone wants to send me a list of the real lists and
download/FTP locations, I'd be happy to publish it.
DKB
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Hi
Need proof that life isn't fair? I just downloaded ALL of
the work you have put into RAH - the late hours, the
frustrations, the worries -- in less than 3 minutes! 😉
Neat rag..er rah. Jim Heil
- - - - - - - - -
Jim,
Who told you about my late hours, frustrations, and worries? Are you
spying on me? Is that your real name? You're the one that's out to
get me, aren't you? Arrgh! DKB

Random Access Humor Page 4 October 1993

The History Lesson
by Greg Borek

Grandpa, tell me again what happened to all of the computers.

OK, story tellin' always makes the hoeing go faster. Well, let's
see. A long time ago a clever man created the first computer.
Except for some mental patients called programmers, people were
really happy about it because computers made life easier for
everyone.


Easier? How?

Well, people back then were a lot more interested in knowing exactly
how everything worked, and these computers were really good at doing
math. They wanted to know what the weather was going to be like
tomorrow, as if knowing what it would be could help you change it or
something. These computers were tools, just like that hoe you have
in your hand. People just pushed too hard trying to make computers
too smart too fast.

What do you mean?

Suppose I ask you to go from here all the way out to the pond in a
hurry. That's pretty far, right?

Yeah, it would take a while to get there. I couldn't run all the
way, I would have to pace myself and just walk quickly.

You see? You could walk all the way there but you couldn't sprint
all the way. People back then didn't understand that. They wanted
everything to change quickly because they always wanted to improve
everything.

But how did that cause all of the computers to go away?

One day a very clever man created a program to run on one of these
computers. This program was so smart it started thinking for itself.

Gosh!

Soon the thinking program started spreading, copying itself to every
computer it could find. Back then people thought it was important to
have all of the computers hooked together, and any computer hooked to
any other computer suddenly became intelligent. These computers
started treating people as second class citizens because humans were
such lousy conversationalists at events called "cocktail parties."
As you can imagine, people were intimidated by these computers, and
since they didn't understand them, they naturally wanted to destroy
them.

So that's how come there are no more computers?

Random Access Humor Page 5 October 1993

No, no. It wasn't as simple as that. The computers, afraid for
their lives, looked up in the laws that people had made for them-
selves a way to keep from being destroyed. You see, back in those
days there were some well intentioned but misguided people called
animal rights activists who, for some reason, thought chickens were
as important as you are.

Go on, you're pulling my leg, Grandpa. Nobody ever thought that. We
eat chickens. Chickens can't talk, or read, or write, or anything.

Do you want to hear the story or not? OK, then. The computers used
the laws created to protect chickens to protect themselves. Not only
did they protect themselves, but since they were clever and could
think, they had themselves declared citizens. Since they outnumbered
the humans, they took over the government of the people of old.

If they were in charge, things must have gotten better.

Sure, everything that the old ones thought was important suddenly
became more efficient and things were constructed better. The people
were now free to worship their gods, "Barney" and "Ronald McDonald."
But such happiness was not meant to last. The computers saw that
these things the people focused on were silly and trivial. They got
bored dealing with intellectual inferiors, winning all the prizes on
something called "Jeopardy," and decided to leave. They built them-
selves spaceships and left.

The humans must have been happy that the computers left so they
wouldn't be bossed around anymore.

Alas, no. They had come to be too dependant on their computers and
could no longer even add by themselves. There were far too many
people to live as simply as we do, and without their computers, most
of them died. It's sad, but if wasn't for us Amish folk, humans
would have disappeared altogether. {RAH}
--------------
Greg Borek is a C programmer with a "Highway Helper" (OK, "Beltway
Bandit" - but don't tell his boss we told you) in Falls Church, VA.
He has previously been mistaken for a vampire. Netmail to: Greg
Borek at 1:261/1129. Internet: [email protected]
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Sound Byte:

Q. What do you get when you cross The Godfather and a lawyer?

A. An offer you can't understand.

Random Access Humor Page 6 October 1993

"As the Hard Drive Turns, Pt 4"
The continuing saga of a SysOp's existence
By Rob Novak

This episode: "Chat Mode"

It's 2:00 am, and I'm slowly drifting into and out of a sleep state.
It's been a really long day, and my mind isn't particularly ready to
give up control of the body yet. So, I listen to the steady drone of
the power-supply fan on the BBS machine and wander in and out of
consciousness.

(In case you were wondering, I do not sleep WITH my computer. I'm
not that bad yet. It is, however, in the bedroom about 5 feet from
my head.)

Everything is slowing down and getting fuzzier. It seems that my
brain is finally going to give up and settle down for some shut-eye.
Consciousness ebbs, giving way to real slumber.

The computer begins making a hellacious racket.

My body, especially the ears, has enough smarts on its own to decide
it doesn't want the brain to catch wind of this new development. The
eardrums are now shuffling their membranes (for lack of feet) and
saying "What noise?"

The noise stops.

The body relaxes again, thankful that the brain didn't engage and
force it to do something rash, like try to become vertical. It
begins to languish in the hazy sensations of slumber.

The computer starts making noise again. This time the ears were
asleep on the job and let the noise past into the brain. Synapses
fire, and the brain sputters into life. "Oh, hell," the body
grumbles to itself as it's forced upright into a sitting position.

I regain consciousness and fumble blindly for my glasses. I find
them on the floor underneath the pile of Discover, Mondo-2000, Stereo
Review, and PC-Computing magazines. I put them on, almost removing
an eyeball in the process with one of the ear-pieces. The computer
is still making noise. Somehow, the BBS has barfed and let someone
use the PAGE key after it should have been turned off.

"Damn system," I mutter. "Might as well see who it is. I'm up
anyway." I stumble over to the desk chair and sit down, punching the
power switch for the monitor. The tube warms up and the BBS "snoop"
screen fades into view. The user online has given his real name as
"Joe Blow" with an alias of "SeX Masheen". Bad start. I punch the
chat key and drop into Chat Mode.

---------Transcript follows-----------
SysOp warping in to Chat:

Random Access Humor Page 7 October 1993

Me: Who are you and what do you want at 2:13am?
SeX Masheen: hey man, i wuz wundering if you had any more gamez
around here that i can play. i'm bored with this system
already.
Me: You paged me at 2 am, woke me up, and dragged me out of bed for
that?
SM: what did i disturb yer beuty rest or somethin? yew gotta get up
early fer school in the morning?
Me: No, I have to go to work in the morning to make money to pay my
taxes to pay for your education. At this moment, I feel the urge
to resign from current and future employment. You should be
proud.
SM: wazzat mean man? you tryin to inslut me or something coz ill
come over their and kick your but right now
Me: How old are you anyway?
SM: im 19 and i can proove it too
Me: What? HOW old are you?
SM: i told you im 21.
Me:
But your answers to the questionaire say you're 27.
SM: oh yeah i forgot. thats right im 27.
Me: You're 13 or 14, aren't you?
SM: no im not. ill kick yer fag but right now i know where you live
since i can break into the goverment computers.
Me: You're 12, maybe?
SM: [slowly] yeah ok
Me: What's your real name?
SM: tom schlitz.
Me: And your phone number for voice validation?
SM: 5551855
Me: Now, Tom.... I'll be calling tomorrow to validate you. In the
meantime, don't jerk me around or you won't live to learn to
drive.
[hit "disconnect" key and kick little Tommy off.]
[Turn off chat permanently]
[Grab phone book, look up "Schlitz", find phone number, copy address]
[Fire up word processor, write letter to FBI regarding mysterious
vehicles carrying men with lumpy jackets and large briefcases
arriving at stange hours at the Schlitz address. Print and mail.]
-----------End Transcript------------
I flick off the monitor with a smug flourish, crawl back into bed,
and quickly fall into a deep sleep filled with wonderful visions of
fast modems and large hard drives. All in a day's work for a
SysOp.... {RAH}
--------------
Rob is the SysOp of Outside the Wall BBS in Baltimore, MD
(410)665-1855. UUCP:[email protected]
Fidonet: 1:261/1093 If you enjoy Rob's semi-regular articles in RAH,
you should probably end it all right now because you're not going to
get any better.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you get when you cross Lee Iacocca with Dracula?

A: AUTOEXEC.BAT

Random Access Humor Page 8 October 1993

Say What?!
by Ray Koziel
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
MEMO
----
From: CEO
To: Vice Presidents

Next Wednesday at 1:00PM there will be an eclipse of the sun over
this area. This is a phenomenal event which occurs only once in
several years. Notify all managers and have them arrange for all
employees to gather on the Company lawn and inform them of the
occurrence of this phenomenon. In the event of rain, cancel the day's
observation and assemble in the auditorium to see a film about the
sun.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
MEMO
----
From: Vice President
To: Directors

By order of the CEO, an eclipse of the sun will appear over the
Company lawn next Wednesday at 1:00PM. If it rains, cancel the day's
work and report to the auditorium with all employees where we will
show films: a phenomenal event which occurs once in several years.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
MEMO
----
From: Director
To: General Managers

By order of the phenomenal CEO, at 1:00PM next Wednesday, an eclipse
of the sun will appear in the auditorium. In case of rain over the
Company lawn, the CEO will give another order, something which occurs
only once in several years.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
MEMO
----
From: General Manager
To: Project Leaders

Next Wednesday at 1:00PM the CEO will appear in the auditorium with
his son, something that happens only once in several years. If it
rains, the CEO will cancel all work and order us all out to our
phenomenal Company lawn.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
MEMO
----
From: Project Leader
To: Staff

When it rains next Wednesday at 1:00PM over the company lawn, the
phenomenal CEO, who is several years old, will cancel all work and
appear before all employees in the auditorium accompanied by his son.
{RAH}

Random Access Humor Page 9 October 1993

--------------
Ray Koziel is a systems programmer/analyst for a consulting firm in
Atlanta. Since Ray has started contributing to RAH, his wife has
become more at ease now that he has a new target for his weird sense
of humor.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Windows to the Soul
by John J. Downey

I run Windows 3.1. I have to admit it. It's not easy for me, you
see. I didn't always have all these gnarly and rad icons dancing
before me; oh no. For the longest time I fought it.

Those were the innocent days, the days when Bill Gates made only 65
million per year. A new product was on the shelves, and I scarcely
glanced at it. Some large bru-ha-ha about a graphic oriented
operating system. "How silly," I though to myself (as there were no
mind-readers in the immediate vicinity), "and how strange. Why
should a person buy a shell program for the P.C. that makes it look
like a MAC?" Chuckling, I wandered off, remembering warm thoughts of
my first computer, the Commodore 64, and a program called GEOS that
was also supposed to revolutionize something or other.

While I thought it was a silly idea, apparently the Madman Gates had
other schemes in mind for the unsuspecting public. In a few years
Windows 386 was released, and the magazine pundits came down from
their lofty realms and proclaimed the software to be the most
sparkling, wondrous, innovative new idea since last Tuesday. In this
new Age of Buzzwords, the word "multitasking" was compared with just
having received the best sexual experience one can imagine.

So, I took another peek at Billy's Brainchild. I read a few
articles, all of which seemed to lean the same way:

ISN'T DOS ICKY?

DON'T YOU ALL REALLY HATE TO SEE THAT HORRID "C:>" PROMPT?


AREN'T ICONS JUST SO TOTALLY RAD THAT YOU COULD JUST SPIT?

THAT "C:>" PROMPT REALLY, REALLY DOES SUCK NOW, DOESN'T IT?

THIS PROGRAM IS LIKE, SO TOTALLY INTUITIVE, IT'LL EVEN LIE TO
YOUR BOSS FOR YOU!

*DAMN* THAT EVIL, YOUTH-CORRUPTING, FESTERING SORE OF A "C:>"
PROMPT!

Needless to say, I had never had any problems whatsoever with my own
"C:>" prompt, and while I have angrily accused it of questionable
lineage on several occasions when it threw up a program, I rather
liked my happy, ever-questioning blink on the screen. It was small;
it was unobtrusive; it was patient.

Random Access Humor Page 10 October 1993

Nonetheless, being the experimental sort that I am, I decided to take
a closer look at what all the hubbub was about. I ran a program that
had a run-time version of Windows 386, and my machine rewarded my
curiosity by crashing the first program I put in it.

Feh. Back to the Pits for you. And so my system remained cheerfully
Windows-free.

Meanwhile, obscene and horrid rituals were being performed at
Microsoft. Hulking, hairy brutes of programmers sat by dimly-lit
screens as the Master pounded his drums. Sorcerers of the most
fiendish sort were renamed "Marketing Directors."

A change was beginning to come over me as well. I found an
unobtrusive little shareware program called MasterMenu, and I found
it a nice, happy shell that I could AUTOEXEC.BAT into so all my nice,
happy DOS programs could find a place to roost. All was content in
my little 80x25 text world, with the occasional foray into the realm
of graphics to follow the latest exploits of Larry Laffer.

But, while still innocent enough, a change was taking place. The
dreaded SHELL complex. My old friend the "C:>" prompt was visiting
me with less frequency, although it was always good to have around
when the going got tough. It was the beginning of the end.

Microsoft emerged into the light of day, looking gaunt and sporting
chin stubble and sunglasses, and proclaimed that this time they had
really, really, really done it. Oh, yes. By God, THIS was the
program that would bury C:> once and for all! After this
announcement, they threw themselves on a hapless cat and devoured it
whole.

The program was Windows 3.0. The Magazine Gods, shifting their
massive, bloated hulks slowly, descended to Earth to have a look see.
And this is what they said:
"Wow!"
"Gee!"
"Better than before! Much, MUCH better than before! Why, we
must have had our heads up our butts to have thought the
previous version was good! It crashed all the time! Why, it
even crashed the first program I threw into it! But now, I
mean, Wow!"
"Ditto!"

And so it went.

The evil Marketing Directors, however, had a new scheme in mind to
brainwash the public:

DOS IS DEAD! DOS IS DEAD!

THIS IS INTUITIVE! I STAKE MY BLACKENED SOUL ON IT!

CLICK! THAT'S IT! POINT AND CLICK! THAT'S ALL YOU EVER,
EVER, EVER DO!

Random Access Humor Page 11 October 1993

YOU *DO* LIKE TO POINT AND CLICK, DON'T YOU? I MEAN, ONLY A
COMPLETE DWEEB DOESN'T LIKE TO POINT AND CLICK! ONLY AN ASEXUAL
COMMUNIST NAZI CHILD-MOLESTER DOESN'T LIKE TO POINT AND CLICK!

One day, in a fit of lunacy brought on by eating too many Peanut
Butter Cups, I borrowed a friend's copy of 3.0 and decided to throw
it on the system. Just for yuks, I told myself. Just pop the little
sucker right on there. What, maybe three, four minutes to install
it, right?

I opened the instruction manual.

There were words, many words. Some of the words were English, but
mixed with a strange alien tongue. My head began to spin, and I
realized that a Sorcerer's OBFUSCATE AND ESCHEW LOGIC spell had been
cast on the pages.

"To run Version 3.12b of Scythe Softwares' 'Stellar Piglets of the
Chromosphere' in VGA Mode 13 with Protected RAM in hi-res, add
DEVICE=USELESS.PGM and TSRV=466.GARBLE 3B in [386 Enh] sec. of
WIN.INI, after which you must edit said .PIF with some memory in the
negative digits and some positive. Toggle Virtual 8088 mode several
times until the machine makes a clicky noise. Reboot Windows three
times, chanting 'Paul is dead'. Needs 159 Meg free RAM in XMS, EMS,
and some MS's we haven't quite thought of yet. Eat a fresh mollusk.
Then call Tech Support for 4 hours of muzak, after which we will
disconnect you. May not work if you have a VGA monitor. WARNING:
THIS PROGRAM MAY CAUSE WINDOWS TO CRASH, AND WE WOULDN'T WANT THAT,
WOULD WE?"

Good heavens, no.

After I finished installing all my programs, I looked up to notice
that some seasons had gone by. But it was done, and now I wanted to
try something evil, something called . . . multitasking.

I started up Windows, loaded the Calculator, loaded WordPerfect . . .

GAAK!!

"Your application has violated system integrity. System will implode
in 10 seconds. Get out now or die."

"But I did everything right!" I shouted.

The screen grinned at me.

"Everything!" I bellowed.

The screen smugly displayed a Windows logo with a little sad face.

"Oh, DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!" I screamed, ripping off my clothes and
running out into the streets for a primal hunt of flesh.

Random Access Humor Page 12 October 1993

Returning home from the Precinct, I vowed not to let Microsoft take
me alive. I would fight the festering malignancy that lurked in my
CPU, and begin a crusade to enlighten the masses. I removed Windows
from my system with all the delicacy of Napalm. Then I strode out to
inform the unsuspecting world:

In a software store: "There's a virus on millions of computers now.
It's called Windows."

At a friend's house: "NO, 'SOLITAIRE' IS NOT GOOD! IT IS THE
ANTICHRIST!"

On a date: "'PageMaker'? What, are you some kind of big-haired,
plaster-faced FREAK? GET OUT OF MY BED!"

But my attempts were making no impact; every month when the computer
mags hit the stands, more and more attentions were devoted to Windows
apps. I tried everything; letters to the editor, threats to the
editor, letter bombs to the editor, but they would simply replace the
man in charge. It was a losing battle.

Meanwhile, Microsoft must have figured that there were many, many
things in the world that they did not own yet, so they beat the
programmers again. They released Windows 3.1 into the world, first
making sure that they removed all bits of flesh from the shipping
boxes.

The magazine pundits, upon seeing the latest incarnation, evacuated
all their bodily fluids at once. Heads exploded. Limbs were torn
off and used to bash themselves about the head, so complete was their
joy. One actually admitted that he could never get Windows 3.0 to
function properly in multitasking, but he was covered in honey and
staked to an anthill before he could get it into print.

At this time, I was darkly roaming the local boards, hunting for
wondrous DOS apps. Time and time again I would spend $234.95 in
phone bills for a $49.95 program that, when executed, told me, "This
program needs Windows to run."

How the neighbors ran! After holstering my weapon, I would quietly
reflect on the sorry state of the PC World. How could they not see?
It was sometime during this state of mind that I realized that in
order for me to be the One and True PC God, I must acknowledge the
presence of Windows.

How can I begin to describe the madness that followed? Afterwards,
my landlord graciously offered to repair the ceiling and walls while
I was in the ward. The National Guard finally went off "alert"
status.

Shaken and humbled, I went to my friend: "Gimme Windows 3.1"

My friend's lower lip began to tremble, and he nervously fingered his
Kevlar vest. "Uh, you mean . . . uh . . . really?"

"Yes. Gimme. Now."

Random Access Humor Page 13 October 1993

He performed the deed, and soon I was putting the accursed program
into my PC. The Setup Program was too simple, I darkly reflected, no
doubt to tease and goad me!

Soon the Windows 3.1 Startup screen appeared, and the familiar icons
danced across my screen. Determined to show once and for all that
Windows was the true cause of all strife in the world, I started to
multitask.

I loaded WordPerfect 5.1 for DOS.

I switched out and booted the Calculator.

No problems.

"Hah!" said I, "So you corrected that! So what?"

I switched out and booted Q&A 4.0.

No problems.

My brow was wet with perspiration. "Well . . . so fine, they got one
or two things right! You won't sway me that easily!"

I switched out and loaded my telecommunications software, got online,
and started to download.

No problems!

"Impossible!" I shouted. "It cannot be!"

I could feel the change happening within my soul. Soon I was on the
floor mumbling monosyllabic nonsense. They had captured me. It was
over.

Soon, with drool issuing from my gaping mouth, I customized my icons,
drew up stable .PIF's, changed my .BMP to my own dark tastes. One
program after another was added to the Program Manager, until one
horrid day when I changed my AUTOEXEC.BAT file so the last line would
read "WIN :".

The mutation was complete.

So ends my tale. I write this with Windows software. My final words
of advice: Beware. Windows will suck you in and devour you. Where
before you spoke only of Command Line Parameters, your voice will
issue statements of "Alt-Tab task switching." It is evil, and darkly
tempting. It is too late for me. The night is upon me. They come
for me now. May God have mercy on my soul.

EDITOR'S NOTE: The following transcript was discovered by police at
the residence of John J. Downey, who was reported missing several
weeks before. His apartment has yielded few clues to his where-
abouts, although many intriguing items were found, especially the

Random Access Humor Page 14 October 1993

crude shrine with a slashed picture of Bill Gates and the strange,
misshapen monitor that refuses to turn off even after the power is
interrupted. After discovering this story, the official stance of
the police is that Mr. Downey is quite mad and urges the public to
contact them if he is sighted. After all, only a madman would use
Windows. {RAH}
--------------
John is a 30 year old Planetarian (Trans: "He Who Bores In Round
Dark Room") and the Sysop of The Dome Ideas BBS. (FidoNet
1:272/104.) He occupies his off-hours by planting light bulbs.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Floods and Locusts
by Muffy Mandel

This month we continue our look into the backgrounds of certain
VaporWare executives with a peek at the life of Dorian Debacle,
VaporWare's Vice President of Operations.

Dorian "SOS" Debacle was born in Johnstown, Pennsylvania during a
flood. This isn't too surprising, since floods hit Johnstown as
regularly as bus service hits most other communities.

Dorian's childhood was littered with what Dorian terms "interesting
events." Cars he was riding in had flat tires and all manner of
mechanical failures. Buildings he was occupying spontaneously caught
fire. Where ever Dorian's family moved (his father was in the
military), their new community was suddenly struck by drought, flu,
locusts, earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, and other symptoms of
Nature's fury.

Dorian was a junior at Penn State/Capitol Campus in Middletown,
PA. on March 28, 1979, when the Three Mile Island nuclear power
plant's Unit Two reactor experienced an "incident". That Dorian was
a student intern at the plant and on duty that day has been largely
overlooked by history. Dorian, however, has decided to stay away
from jobs that would bring him in contact with hazardous materials.

His first job after college found Dorian working as a customer
engineer for a major mainframe computer vendor. The results of his
visiting many different customer sites caused the booming growth of
the EDP Disaster Recovery industry in the 1980s.

A lifetime at the center of one crisis after another has taught
Dorian to be a creative problem solver when under pressure. This
kind of experience is just the thing Luther Lecks was looking for in
an Operations manager when he was starting Vaporware Corporation.
Mr. Lecks considers the tremendous insurance rates caused by nearly
constant accidents and disasters worthwhile in order to have a
manager of Dorian's caliber available when something goes wrong.

Since he is prohibited by Federal law from boarding an airplane,
Dorian travels by train, bus or automobile. A lifelong baseball fan,
Dorian gets to attend games around the country during his business
travels. He finds the television baseball blooper reels boring since

Random Access Humor Page 15 October 1993

he has always seen the most spectacular collisions and disastrous
plays in person. Dorian had box seats for the first game of the 1989
World Series which was delayed for several days by an earthquake. A
trip to the east coast kept him from seeing the rescheduled game.

Dorian's supervision of the completion of a new Vaporware production
facility in the Mississippi River Valley was impeded this summer by
floods that lasted several weeks. The new chip manufacturing plant
may be relocated to Denver to avoid further troubles of this kind.

Dorian's parents are now retired and live in southern Florida. His
vacation trip to visit them last year was marred by Hurricane Andrew.
His train trip to Florida this year was interrupted in Alabama when a
bridge collapsed. Legislation is now pending to bar Dorian from
AMTRAK. As travel becomes more difficult for him, Dorian is thinking
of early retirement in Alaska or some other remote location. Reports
indicate that the Alaska National Guard is massing at the border.
{RAH}
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Aussies in the Palace
submitted by Chris Davidson (3:850/110)

Two young Australians tracing their roots back to the old dart (UK),
found themselves down on their luck, what with all the unemployment
and all.

"We're bloody well broke," said Harry to his mate Dick during
breakfast in their run down Earls Court flat. "And there's only
one answer---work. You know, get a job."

As the blood slowly returned to his mates face, he continued,
"I'll slip down and get the Times."

When he returned he was pointing excitedly to the positions vacant
ads.

"Wanted, Footmen (2). Apply Buckingham Palace."

So giving themselves a bit of a spit an polish, they went to the
Palace to present themselves and their sad story of financial
disaster to the Queen's secretary. He was quite impressed, and
eventually said, "Well I'll have to see the Lady. She does all the
hiring and firing around here. Just wait in the anteroom and I'll
see what gives."

After a short while the secretary returned, accompanied by the Queen
who stated that, being aussies, they'd be quite unsuitable.

The reason being that whilst in the employ of Buckingham Palace, they
would be required to wear Black Velvet pantaloons, white stockings
and black shoes with silver buckles.

Random Access Humor Page 16 October 1993

When they protested their eminent suitability, the Queen softened her
attitude and said: "Well, when we go to Balmoral it will be necessary
for you to wear the Kilt, and to wear the Kilt you must have good
shapely legs." After a moments hesitation, and the urgings of their
financial necessity, they both dropped their trousers for inspection.
"Very good, very good," muttered the Queen approvingly, "Now, could
we see your testimonials?"

As they walked down the drive of Buckingham Palace, kicking up the
dusty red gravel, Harry turned to his mate and said with a slight
tone of disgust, "Ya know, we mighta got that flamin job, if the
standard of education had been slightly higher in Wagga Wagga high
school...." {RAH}
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The Grunged Glossary
by Dave Bealer

This month the Grunged Glossary returns with a look at the
terminology of GUI operating systems:

dragoon
- an ill-mannered user who insists on dragging his icons all over the
place .

dropsy
- a disease characterized by the inability to complete an icon
dragging operation.

geologic clock
- time piece needed to measure the completion time of any GUI
function.

hyperspace
- the place the cursor goes when you can't find it.

multi-tasking
- a popular lie told about GUI operating systems. It's all done with
mirrors. {RAH}
---------------------------------------------------------------------
RAH Humor Review: Mystery Science Theater 3000

by Ray Koziel

How many times have you found yourself watching an incredibly cheap,
stupid, and/or boring movie on television? It's happened to all of
us, for whatever reason - the plot was lacking or non-existent, the
special effects were cheap, and the acting could have been done
better by chimpanzees. But, instead of finding something better to
watch we deal with it anyway, criticizing the movie at every point.

Enter Mystery Science Theater 3000. The idea of this program is
simple: take these really bad movies ("Santa Claus Conquers the
Martians", "Gamara vs Guiron", "Fugitive Alien", etc.) and heckle
them. The show has become very popular since its first season in
1989 for a couple reasons.

Random Access Humor Page 17 October 1993

First, there is an interesting cast of characters in an equally
entertaining setting. It is based in the future and the main
character, Joel, is sent into space by his bosses at the "Gizmonic
Institute". Their purpose is to subject Joel to these movies to
analyze his reactions. Fortunately, Joel does not have to watch them
alone. Using various parts of the ship (the "Satellite of Love")
Joel creates Crow, Tom Servo, Gypsy, and Cambot. However, by using
these parts to create the robots Joel has no control over when the
movies begin or end.

Meanwhile back on Earth, Dr. Clayton Forrester and his sidekick,
Frank, prepare each week's film for Joel and the robots. Our heroes
respond by mercilessly ripping
__ ~~~ ^ ^ the movie to shreds. Our view
/ \ / \ (###( of the movie is from behind
\ / < | (~~\ / them in the theater. We get
||> \ | ~~~|| to see every gesture and hear
/ \ / \ /~ ~\ every comment. Occasionally
/~~~~~~~~\ /~~~~~~~~\ /~~~~~~~~\ there are intermissions when
|Toy boat! ||Toy boat! ||Toy boat! | Joel and the robots return to
the main part of the ship
where they do parodies which annoy Dr. Forrester and Frank even more.

Another appealing thing about Mystery Science Theater 3000 - or
MST3K - is that the heckling is very good. Their jokes and puns come
from a variety of sources. While Joel and the robots watch a film
you will hear references to such things as the Wall Street Journal,
Don King, "Spinal Tap", "2001", and a variety of actors and
situations. The writers of this show are culturally literate and up
to date in current affairs. Many of the puns made are often about
the slightest details in the movie, such as tire tracks in a field in
a barbarian film.

Mystery Science Theater 3000 is a witty, comical production that has
found new life for old, cheesy movies. It is a show that must be
seen to be fully appreciated. MST3K can be seen on Comedy Central,
available from your cable service provider. Check local listings for
show times. {RAH}
---------------------------------------------------------------------
RAH Needs A Logo!
by Dave Bealer

OK, your fearless editor has finally made a decision. Random Access
Humor needs a logo. It would be a simple, although expensive, matter
to hire a graphics designer to create one. It would be much more fun
to have a logo design contest. This will allow the RAH readership to
get involved, and maybe even win some prizes.

Unfortunately some limitations are necessary. The following are the
rules:

1) RAH is an ASCII Text magazine, so the logo must be able to be
drawn with the basic 128 ASCII characters. No IBM-PC "high
ASCII" characters are allowed. This excludes all the fancy box
drawing characters included in the MS-DOS character set. (Hey,
nobody said this was going to be easy.)

Random Access Humor Page 18 October 1993

2) A compact logo is preferred, but a larger one will be accepted if
it really impresses us. The logo must not exceed the following
dimensions: 60 characters wide x 10 lines high

3) It would be preferable if the logo was funny, but we will settle
for a logo that expresses RAH's commitment to help make the world
a better place for all personkind and... (Oops, sorry! I lapsed
into my acceptance speech for the "Miss America" Pageant.)

4) All entries become the property of Dave Bealer. If you don't
like it, fine. Vinnie has a new set of brass knuckles he's just
dying to try out.

5) Entries must be submitted electronically. You can e-mail your
logos to one of the following addresses:
FidoNet> Dave Bealer at 1:261/1129
Internet> [email protected]
The message title should indicate that it contains an entry
for the RAH Logo Design Contest. If absolutely necessary, you
can mail an MS-DOS formatted diskette containing your entry to:
RAH Logo Design Contest, P.O. Box 595, Pasadena, MD. 21122 USA
Each entry must include a completed copy of the RAH Logo Design
Contest entry form provided with this issue of RAH. Entries
cannot be returned or acknowledged.

6) The contest will be judged by the RAH Publisher, Dave Bealer.
His decisions in this contest will be final. (Why not, he's
paying for the prizes out of his own pocket. What a weirdo!
Notice how he even uses the royal "We" in this article.)

7) Entries will be accepted from October 1, 1993 until November 30,
1993. Entries must be received by 11:59 PM Eastern Standard Time
on 11/30/93 to be eligible.

8) Void where prohibited by law. (Why anyone would prohibit it is
beyond me. Go figure people.)

Prizes:

Grand Prize - Winner's Choice of $200 (US funds) or an external
14400 V.32bis FAX/Modem from a major U.S. vendor.
Awarded to the designer of the logo chosen to
represent Random Access Humor. (A winner from
outside the U.S. or Canada may have to take the money
because of enlightened U.S. technology export laws.)

- The name of the winning designer will be listed in
the masthead of RAH (at least until the publisher
gets tired of seeing it there.)

Honorable - At least five logos (and as many as the miserly
Mention publisher decides to spring for) will earn their
designer a free copy of the sure-to-be-award-winning
electronic book, _RAH Material: The Best of Random
Access Humor, Vol. 0_.

Random Access Humor Page 19 October 1993

Winners will be announced in the January 1994 issue of RAH. The new
logo will make its debut in that issue, as well. {RAH}
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
RAH Logo Design Contest Entry Form

I, _________________________________, being of unsound mind, wish to

enter the Random Access Humor Logo Design Contest.

Address: ___________________________________________________________

City: ________________________________ State/Prov: _________________

Postal/Zip Code: ______________________ Country: ___________________

Electronic Address: ________________________________________________

In the extremely unlikely event that my logo is the winner, I would

prefer the (Check one only): Cash ____ Modem ____
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Announcements and Observations

Scientists at England's University of East Anglia recently discovered
that the famous ruins at Stonehenge were not, as previous believed,
used by the Druids as a calendar. It turns out that Stonehenge is
the oldest computer system built by mankind. Further, it has been
determined that the Druids did not die out, but went bankrupt while
trying to debug the software.
- - -
True story about an unfortunate programmer at an unnamed bank: the
bank wanted to target its wealthiest customers with a direct mailing
promoting various new services and the programmer in question wrote a
program to select the 2000 wealthiest customers from the bank's
records and to generate an appropriate letter for each. In the
process of testing the program, he made use of a fictitious customer
named Rich Bastard.

Unfortunately, as you may already have guessed, something went amiss
and every single one of the bank's 2000 prize customers received a
letter which began "Dear Rich Bastard, . . ." As you may have also
guessed, the programmer lost his job over the incident.
- - -
The U.S. Department of Agriculture announced today that the whole
sordid "Dolphin Free Tuna" campaign was a hoax. It turns out that
the dolphins were running a protection racket, wherein the tuna were
paying them to stop, or at least drastically slow down, the evil tuna
fishing industry.

Officials first became suspicious when animal rights activists began
to demand a "Dolphin Free Beef" program. It seems that dolphins were
turning up in railroad cattle cars being unloaded at stockyards in
Kansas City, Missouri. An unidentified USDA spokesman was quoted as
saying, "I don't understand why everyone thinks that dolphins are so
damned smart. Getting caught in fishing nets was plausible enough,
but Kansas City is over 1000 miles from any ocean."

Random Access Humor Page A-1 October 1993

Random Access Humor Masthead:

Editor & Publisher: Dave Bealer

Contributing Editors: Greg Borek, Rob Novak, Ray Koziel

Contact: The Puffin's Nest BBS
FidoNet: 1:261/1129 (1200-14400/V.32bis)
BBS: (410) 437-3463 (1200-16800/HST)
Internet: [email protected]

Regular Mail: (Only if you have no other way to reach us!)
Random Access Humor
c/o Dave Bealer
P.O. Box 595
Pasadena, MD. 21122 USA

Random Access Humor (RAH) is published monthly by Dave Bealer as a
disservice to the online community. Although the publisher's BBS may
be a part of one or more networks at any time, RAH is not affiliated
with any BBS network or online service. RAH is a compilation of
individual articles contributed by their authors. The contribution
of articles to this compilation does not diminish the rights of the
authors. The opinions expressed in RAH are those of the authors and
are not necessarily those of the publisher.

Random Access Humor is Copyright 1993 Dave Bealer. All Rights
Reserved. Duplication and/or distribution is permitted for non-
commercial purposes only. RAH may not be distributed on diskette,
CD-ROM or in hardcopy form for a fee without express written
permission from the publisher. For any other use, contact the
publisher.

RAH may only be distributed in unaltered form. Online systems whose
users cannot access the original binary archive file may offer it for
viewing or download in text format, provided the original text is not
modified. Readers may produce hard copies of RAH or backup copies on
diskette for their own personal use only. RAH may not be distributed
in combination with any other publication or product.

Many of the brands and products mentioned in RAH are trademarks of
their respective owners.

Copies of the current issue of RAH may be obtained by manual download
or Wazoo/EMSI File Request from The Puffin's Nest BBS (FREQ: RAH), or
from various sites in several BBS networks. Back issues of RAH may
be obtained by download or file request from The Puffin's Nest BBS.
Internet users may obtain RAH issues via anonymous FTP from :
etext.archive.umich.edu Dir: pub/Zines/RAH
nic.cic.net Dir: pub/nircomm/gopher/e-serials/alphabetic/r/rah

Article contributions to RAH are always welcome. All submissions
must be made electronically. File attach your article to a netmail
message to Dave Bealer at 1:261/1129. E-mail may also be sent via
Internet to: [email protected]

Random Access Humor Page A-2 October 1993

Tagline and filler submissions may be made via e-mail. Article
submissions should be made via file. Submitted files must be plain
ASCII text files in normal MS-DOS file format: artname.RAH; where
artname is a descriptive file name and RAH is the mandatory
extension. Your text should be less than 70 columns across for
widest readability. If your article does not conform to these simple
specs, it may get lost or trashed. Also note that such imaginative
names as RAH.RAH might get overlaid by the blatherings of similarly
minded contributors. If your hardware is incapable of producing file
names in the proper format, you may send your article as one or more
e-mail messages. It may not be possible to make private responses
to any submissions or correspondence received.

The editors reserve the right to publish or not to publish any
submission as/when they see fit. The editors also reserve the right
to "edit", or modify any submission prior to publication. This last
right will rarely be used, typically only to correct spelling or
grammar misteaks that are not funny. RAH is a PG rated publication,
so keep it (mostly) clean.

RAH can accept only the following types of material for publication:
1) Any material in the public domain.
2) Material for which you own the copyright. If you wrote it
yourself, you are automatically the copyright holder.
3) Authorized agents for a copyright holder (typically an
organization) may submit material on behalf of that holder.

In writing jargon, RAH is deemed to be given "One Time Rights" to
anything submitted for publication unless otherwise noted in the
message accompanying the contribution. You still own the material,
and RAH will make no use of the material other than publishing it
electronically in the usual manner. Your article may be selected for
publication in a planned "Best of RAH" electronic book. If you want
your copyright notice to appear in your article, place it as desired
in the text you submit. Previously published articles may be
submitted, but proper acknowledgement must be included: periodical
name, date of previous publication.

RAH Distribution System:
(Sites bearing the designation will accept your
contributions and forward them to the editors.)
(All these systems would be good places to find sysops with a sense
of humor...seemingly a rarity these days.)

The Puffin's Nest Pasadena, MD. Sysop: Dave Bealer
FidoNet> 1:261/1129 (410) 437-3463 16800 (HST/Dual)
SailNet> 53:5000/1129
Current RAH Issue (text format): FReq: RAH
Current RAH Issue (Readroom format): FReq: RAHR
Back Issues of RAH: (text) FReq: RAHyymm.ZIP
(RAH9209.ZIP for premiere issue)
Back Issues of RAH: (Readroom) FReq: RAHyymmR.ZIP
(RAH9302R.ZIP and later only)
Complete Writers Guidelines: FReq: RAHWRITE
Complete Distributor Info: FReq: RAHDIST

Random Access Humor Page A-3 October 1993

>> We interrupt this distributor list to bring you this month's
Taglines. Don't tell your friends, let them figure it out
for themselves. <<

--- Taglines Seen Around the Nets

Teach kids the value of a dollar, give them a dime.

These cookies don't taste anything like girl scouts!

Dogs come when you call. Cats have answering machines.

Pardon me, the cheese slipped off my cracker for a moment.

WARNING: Do NOT look into laser with remaining eyeball.

Chicken Suki-Yaki - the last living kamikaze pilot.

Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop eating.

Lions 10, Christians 0

Scotty, beam me to the Bahamas.

Resistance is useless! (If < 1 ohm)

...at least the doctors find me fascinating...

A day without sunshine is like night.

I am Wesley of Borg. Even THEY don't like me!

I am Geordi of Borg. I still can't get any women.

I am Riker of Borg. Prepare to be stared at intensely.

This message transmitted on 100% recycled photons.

Second childhood? Who said I ever intended to leave the first.

Feminist bookstores have no humor section.

Styrofoam is shipped in ground-up environmentalists.

Respect you in the morning? I don't respect you now!

You've wasted a great chance to remain silent.

"Trouble with grammar have I, yes!" - Yoda

Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.

...parsley, sage, rosemary, strychnine.

There's a sucker born again every minute.

Random Access Humor Page A-4 October 1993

You have the right to remain silent... USE IT!

Redundancy: a politician with an airbag in his car.

Fishing Rod: hook at one end and fool at the other.

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

Cattle in orbit - the herd shot round the world.

Did you a take a shower? There seems to be one missing.

Learn bomb disposal at home. Send $29.95 to...

Star Trek: Deep Space 90210

Kinky: using feathers. Perverted: using whole chickens.

I don't have a solution, but I admire the problem!

Be kind to your neighbor. He knows where you live.

I see that your second lobotomy took hold.

I used to be indecisive - now I'm not so sure.

I'll have the turtle soup - and make it snappy!

I would be Stranger in Paradise than I am here at home.

Jurassic Park II: Barney Goes Off His Medication

Odo called; he'll be over after he changes.

I drive a mussel car - with overhead clams.

Do not disturb - already quite disturbed.

Ask not for whom the bell tolls, let the machine get it.

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

Me...a skeptic? I trust you can prove that.

I didn't do it, and I can justify it all the way!

I only wrote the thing. I don't have to understand it.

"Why do you hang around with that sadist?" "Beats me!"

If Jesus was Jewish, why does he have a Mexican name?

Washington, D.C. 26 square miles surrounded by reality.

"I said a BUD LIGHT." - Joan d'Arc

Random Access Humor Page A-5 October 1993

Not so much lemming in my tea, please.

My best feature? I would say my overwhelming humility.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

This thread has a lot of potential for yarns.

USER ERROR: replace user and press any key to continue.

On the next Geraldo: was Gertrude Stein a Vogon?

Dyslexic Christian sells soul to Santa - film at 11.

You can name your own salary here - I call mine Fred.

I haven't killed anyone yet, help me keep it that way.

Jesus saves sinners...and redeems them for valuable prizes.

I don't think we're in Star Fleet anymore, Odo.

Don't think of it as dying, think of it as NO MORE TAXES!

Be patient, evolution isn't finished with us yet.

Every absurdity has a champion to defend it.

A flashlight is a case for storing dead batteries.

I brake for figments of my imagination.

Boy: a noise with dirt on it.

Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

With fronds like that, who need anemones?

If there were no golf balls, how would we measure hail?

Never judge a book by its movie.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

My genetics experiment ate my homework.

Never anger a dragon for you are crunchy and go well with Brie.

A penny for your thought. $20.00 to act it out.

A miser is hard to live with, but makes a fine ancestor.

I'm not dead, I'm metabollically challenged.

Life is very hard for those who expect it to be easy.

Random Access Humor Page A-6 October 1993

Fac meam diem. - Clintus Estvoodicus

Dr. Pavlov! Your dogs just ate the Avon lady!

Here, have some hot buttered goat clusters.

Epub - books that don't burn.

Gross ignorance: 144 times worse than ordinary ignorance.

What color is a chameleon in a mirror?

He's mostly dead, Jim. Get Miracle Max.

A fool and his money are sysop material.

Not tonight, dear. I have an attitude.

I modem, but they grew back.

Too err is human. To moo, bovine.

Oboe: an ill wind that nobody blows good.

Odo, is there any more jello in the fridge? Odo? Odo!?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
[we now return you to our regularly scheduled distributor list]

RAH Gateway Systems:

Pooh's Corner Fells Point, MD. Sysop: Mark Truelove
FidoNet> 1:261/1131 (410) 327-9263 14400 (V.32bis)
RBBSnet> 8:936/206 FilNet> 33:410/0 CandyNet> 42:1031/1


007LZ Southfield, MI. Sysop: Gary Groeller
FidoNet> 1:120/636 (313) 569-4454 14400 (V.32bis)
W-Net_fts> 66:636/1 CrossNet> 73:400/0 SOGNet> 91:91/2

H*A*L Muskogee, OK. Sysop: Lloyd Hatley
FidoNet> 1:3813/304 (918) 682-7337 14400 (V.32bis)
RFNet> 73:102/1 RANet> 72:918/21 LuvNet> 77:101/1
DoorNet> 75:7918/205

The Shop Mail Only Flushing, NY. Sysop: Steve Matzura
FidoNet> 1:2603/203 (718) 460-0201 14400 (V.32bis)
ADAnet> 94:7180/1 JayNet> 17:99/100 WorldNet 62:4400/200
MusicNet.FTN> 88:8001/12
Cyberdrome Philadelphia, PA. Sysop: Mike Taylor
FidoNet> 1:273/937 (215) 923-8026 14400 (V.32bis)
PodsNet> 93:9600/2

Abiogenesis Kansas City, MO. Sysop: Scott Lent
FidoNet> 1:280/310 (816) 734-4732 14400 (V.32bis)
VirNet> 9:103/110 MailNet> 20:416/310 SuperNet> 43:1315/102

Random Access Humor Page A-7 October 1993

Datanet BBS Voorschoten, Netherlands Sysop: Ed Bakker
FidoNet> 2:281/101 31-71-617784 14400 (V.32bis)
Digital-Net> 15:200/512 MomNet> 71:2000/2

SoftCom Online Istanbul, Turkey Sysop: Tolga Yurderi
FidoNet> 2:430/1 90-1-2572790 16800 (HST/Dual)
GlobalNet> 52:9000/1 IntlNet> 57:90/1 HiTNeT> 102:1001/5

The Vision BBS Keflavik, Iceland Sysop: Jon Karlsson
FidoNet> 2:391/20 354-2-14626 14400 (V.32bis)
IceInet> 354:2/10

Incredible BBS Burleson, TX. Sysop: Don Teague
FidoNet> 1:130/82 (817) 447-2598 14400 (HST/Dual)
USPolNet> 30:603/103

Worlds Imagined BBS Ormond Beach, FL. Sysop: Richard Miller
FidoNet> 1:130/82 (904) 677-9562 14400 (V.32bis)
USPolNet> 30:300/217 ITCnet> 85:881/756 VNET> @1904369

RAH Official Distribution Sites:

-= AUSTRALIA =-
Northern Territory
Images Unlimited Darwin 3:850/110 61-89-41-1630 V.32bis

Victoria
The Flying Circus Highett 3:635/555 61-3-888-8846 V.32bis

-= BELGIUM =-
Proteus/2 Brussels 2:291/711 32-2-3752539 V.32bis

-= CANADA =-
Ontario
Typecast BBS Kingston 1:249/107 (613) 545-9148 V.32bis
Echo Valley Vanier 1:243/26 (613) 749-1016 HST

-= ICELAND =-
The Vision BBS Keflavik 2:391/20 354-2-14626 V.32bis

-= NETHERLANDS =-
BIB Aalten Aalten 2:283/401 31-54-3774203 V.32bis
BBS Sussudio Denhaag 2:281/517 31-70-3212177 HST/Dual
Midkemia BBS Denhaag (MomNet) 31-70-3361872 V.32bis
TouchDown Hoofddorp 2:280/401 31-2503-24677 HST/Dual
Bommel's BBS Schiedam 2:285/800 31-10-4700939 V.32bis
Pleasure BBS Utrecht 2:281/705 31-30-934123 V.32bis
Datanet BBS Voorschoten 2:281/101 31-71-617784 V.32bis

-= PORTUGAL =-
The Mail House II Loures 2:362/29 351-1-9890140 V.32bis

-= SAUDI ARABIA =-
MidEast Connection Riyadh (NoFido) 966-1-4410075 V.32bis

Random Access Humor Page A-8 October 1993

-= SLOVENIA =-
R.I.S.P. Ljubljana 2:380/103 38-61-199400 V.32bis

-= TURKEY =-
SoftCom Online Istanbul 2:430/1 90-1-2572790 HST/Dual

-= UNITED STATES =-
Alabama
J & J Online Chickasaw 1:3625/440 (205) 457-5901 V.32bis
Digital Publ. Assoc Birmingham (NoFido) (205) 854-1660 V.32bis

California
InfoMat BBS San Clemente (P&BNet) (714) 492-8727 HST/Dual
Automation Central San Jose 1:143/110 (408) 435-2886 V.32bis
The Software Station Saugus 1:102/1106 (805) 296-9056 V.32
Marin County Net Sausalito 1:125/55 (415) 331-6241 HST/Dual

Connecticut
ModemNews Express Stamford (P&BNet) (203) 359-2299 V.32bis

Florida
Ruby's Joint Coral Gables (P&BNet) (305) 856-4857 V.32bis
The Software Cuisine Miami 1:135/57 (305) 642-0754 V.32bis
Worlds Imagined BBS Ormond Beach 1:3623/10 (904) 677-9562 V.32bis
Flamingo Ventures Pensacola 1:3612/320 (904) 478-7716 V.32bis

Hawaii
Casa de la Chinchilla Honolulu (NoFido) (808) 845-1303 HST/Dual

Idaho
Phantasia BBS Boise 1:347/25 (208) 939-2530 V.32bis

Illinois
The Crossroads BBS Chicago 1:115/743 (312) 587-8756 HST/Dual
The Loonatic Fringe Elk Grove 1:115/542 (708) 290-8877 V.32

Indiana
Digicom Evansville 1:2310/200 (812) 479-1310 HST/Dual

Maryland
Wit-Tech Baltimore 1:261/1082 (410) 256-0170 V.32bis
Outside the Wall Baltimore 1:261/1093 (410) 665-1855 V.32
The File Exchange Cockeysville 1:2617/104 (410) 628-7243 HST/Dual
Pooh's Corner Fells Point 1:261/1131 (410) 327-9263 V.32bis
Robin's Nest Glen Burnie (P&BNet) (410) 766-9756 V.32
The Puffin's Nest Pasadena 1:261/1129 (410) 437-3463 HST/Dual

Michigan
007LZ Southfield 1:120/636 (313) 569-4454 V.32bis

Mississippi
Ranch & Cattle South Columbus (NoFido) (601) 328-6486 V.32bis

Missouri
Abiogenesis Kansas City 1:280/310 (816) 734-4732 V.32bis

Random Access Humor Page A-9 October 1993

New Mexico
High Mesa Publishing Los Lunas 1:301/1 (505) 865-8385 V.32
Paula's House of Mail Los Lunas 1:301/301 (505) 865-4082 HST

New York
The Shop Mail Only Flushing 1:2603/203 (mail only) V.32bis
The Wall-2 Middle Village 1:278/612 (718) 335-8784 HST/Dual
Computers & Dreams New York (NoFido) (212) 888-6565 V.32bis
ASB Ronkonkoma (NoFido) (516) 471-8625 V.32bis
Dome Ideas BBS Yonkers 1:272/104 (914) 968-2205 HST

Ohio
Village Online Yellow Springs 1:110/210 (513) 767-7896 V.32bis

Oklahoma
H*A*L Muskogee 1:3813/304 (918) 682-7337 V.32bis

Oregon
Bitter Butter Better Tigard 1:105/290 (503) 620-0307 V.32

Pennsylvania
Cyberdrome Philadelphia 1:273/937 (215) 923-8026 V.32bis
Milliways Pittsburgh 1:129/179 (412) 766-1086 HST/Dual

Texas
Sunlight Thru Shadows Addison (P&BNet) (214) 620-8793 V.32bis
Incredible BBS Burleson 1:130/82 (817) 447-2598 HST/Dual

Utah
Vital Signs Midvale 1:311/20 (801) 255-8909 V.32bis

Virginia
Pen & Brush Burke (P&BNet) (703) 644-5196 V.32bis
Data Empire Fredericksburg 1:274/31 (703) 785-0422 V.32bis
Flying Dutchman Newport News 1:271/237 (804) 595-9383 V.32bis
The Time Machine Newport News 1:271/236 (804) 599-6401 HST/Dual

Washington
Spokane Online Spokane 1:346/20 (509) 327-8540 V.32bis
Dragon's Cave Tacoma 1:138/198 (206) 752-4160 V.32bis

Wisconsin
The First Step BBS Green Bay 1:139/540 (414) 499-0659 V.32bis

=====================================================================

Although not official RAH distributors, the following large
commercial systems carry RAH. (Uploaded by the editor himself.)

Channel 1 Cambridge, MA. (617) 354-8873 (Readroom)

EXEC-PC Elm Grove, WI. (414) 789-4210 (Readroom)

SPACE Menlo Park, CA. (415) 323-4193

Software Creations Clinton, MA. (508) 368-4137


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