Category : Databases and related files
Archive   : LRS.ZIP
Filename : AIDS.FLE

What to say and do, or not say, when tragedy strikes a friend

Acceptable -Concentrate on their feelings not you own

Not-Acceptable -Concentrating on your feelings and expressing those feelings
in words (tears are acceptable). Never compare one of your personal tragedy
to this one or try to suggest anything could be worse. Never ask for more than
general details such as -How did it happen-. Be prepared for a negative
reaction at some points the believed will be pleased that you asked, at other
points they will be terribly upset.

Acceptable
We/I am thinking about you
We/I am with you.
We/I love you.

Acceptable
Offer to do routine things.
errands

Must do -Listen. it may take up to two years to talk out a serious tragedy.

Must do -Be prepared for anger and rejection. Tragedy sometimes induces
unreasoning anger at everyone and everyone and everything. Be prepared to
forget the words.

Important. Be there, Call seen cards indicating your concern. Some may
want to be alone with grief but most people want friends to care.

Be patient. It may take a long time.

Don't say things to terminally ill people that you know to be untrue. Don't
say "everything will be fine" but something which indicates your hope and
caring.

Remember that guilt is part of grief for many people. People start asking
"what ifs" and "whys" about actions they may or may not have taken to avoid
the tragedy. There are always other possibilities for action but your response
should be reason that relieves this blame. Assure the person that guilt is
a typical reaction.

Nina Herrmann Donnelly of I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO SAY, says

Do Say
"I'm here"
"I'll help in whatever way I can unless that is something you don't want
right now".
"It's good to see you laugh, John would have like that: he always liked to see you
happy."
"It's so hard, isn't it, each time a new memory comes up."

Don't Say
"I know just how you fell."
"You have to be brave --you're the man in the family now."
"At least you have the other children."
"I have a friend who's going through the same thing--it's terrible for her."
"Life must go on-- you know you'll feel better some day."
"I feel almost worse than you do about this."

Get a book, such as Donnelly's book.