Category : Various Text files
Archive   : PYTHON.ZIP
Filename : STRING.TXT

The String Sketch (from Matching Tie and Handkerchief)

Advertising Executive:
Aah, come in, come in, Mr....Simpson. Aaah, welcome to
Mousebat, Follicle, Goosecreature, Ampersand, Spong,
Wapcaplet, Looseliver, Vendetta and Prang!
Man: Thank you.
Ad. Exec: Do sit down. My name's Wapcaplet, Adrian Wapcaplet...
Man: How'd'y'do.
Ad. Exec: Now, Mr. Simpson-- Simpson, Simpson-- French, is it?
Man: No...
Ad. Exec: Aah. Now, I understand you want us to advertise your
washing powder.
Man: String.
Ad. Exec: String, washing powder, what's the difference? We can sell
*anything.*
Man: Good. Well, I have this large quantity of string; a hundred
and twenty-two thousand miles of it, to be exact, which I
inherited. And I thought if I advertised it--
Ad. Exec: Of course! A national campaign! Useful stuff, string; no
trouble there.
Man: Ah, but there's a snag, you see. Due to bad planning, the
hundred and twenty-two thousand miles is in three-inch
lengths...So it's not very useful.
Ad. Exec: Well, that's our selling point:
"Simpson's Individual *Stringettes!*"
Man: What?
Ad. Exec: "The NOW String!" Ready-Cut, Easy-to-Handle! "Simpson's
Individual *Emperor* Stringettes: Just the *right* length!"
Man: For what?
Ad. Exec: "A Million Household Uses!"
Man: Such as?
Ad. Exec: Uhmm...Tying up very small parcels, attatching notes to pigeons'
legs, uh, destroying household pests...
Man: Destroying household pests?! How?
Ad. Exec: Well, if they're bigger than a mouse, you can strangle them
with it, and if they're smaller than a mouse, you flog them
to death with it!
Man: Well surely!....
Ad. Exec: "Destroy Ninety-Nine Percent of All Known Household Pests with
Pre-Sliced, Rustproof, Easy-To-Handle, Low-Calorie Simpson's
Individual Emperor Stringettes, Free from Artificial Coloring,
'As Used in Hospitals!'"
Man: 'Ospitals!?!?!?!!?
Ad. Exec: Have you ever in a Hospital where they didn't have string?
Man: No, but it's only string!
Ad. Exec: ONLY STRING?! It's everything! It's...it's waterproof!
Man: No it isn't!
Ad. Exec: All right, it's water-resistant, then!
Man: It isn't!
Ad. Exec: All right, it's water-*absorbent*! It's..."Super-Absorbent
String! ABSORB WATER TODAY WITH SIMPSON'S INDIVIDUAL WATER
ABSORB-A-TEX STRINGETTES! AWAY WITH FLOODS!"
Man: You just said it was waterproof!
Ad. Exec: Shush! "AWAY WITH THE DULL DRUDGERY OF WORKADAY TIDAL WAVES!
USE SIMPSON'S INDIVIDUAL FLOOD PREVENTERS!"
Man: You're mad!
Ad. Exec: Shut up, shut up, shut up! Sex, sex sex. Must get sex into it.
Wait, I see a television commercial:
There's this nude woman, in a bath, holding a bit of your
string. That's great, great, but we need a doctor, got to
have a medical opinion...There's a nude woman in a bath with
a doctor--that's too sexy. Put an Archbishop there watching
them, that'll take the curse off it. Now, we need children
and animals...
There's two kids admiring the string, and a dog admiring the
archbishop who's blessing the string. Uhh...international
flavor's missing...make the archbishop Greek Orthodox. Why
not Archbishop Makarios? No, no, he's dead... never mind, we'll
get his brother, it'll be cheaper... So, there's this nude
woman....