Dec 302017
Various scripts from old Monty Python shows.
File PYTHON.ZIP from The Programmer’s Corner in
Category Various Text files
Various scripts from old Monty Python shows.
File Name File Size Zip Size Zip Type
ARGUMENT.TXT 8981 3577 deflated
BLCKMAIL.TXT 3733 1777 deflated
BLESSING.TXT 1575 776 deflated
BOOKSHOP.TXT 5599 2176 deflated
BRIDGE.TXT 5480 1744 deflated
BRIGHT.TXT 1525 644 deflated
BRNGDEAD.TXT 1778 735 deflated
BRUCES.TXT 3733 1652 deflated
CASTLE.TXT 2270 1137 deflated
CHEESE.TXT 6897 2388 deflated
CRUNFROG.TXT 4178 2018 deflated
DEADBISH.TXT 3281 1360 deflated
DULLUGLY.TXT 701 318 deflated
FISHLIC.TXT 4348 1709 deflated
FLYSHEEP.TXT 2257 930 deflated
FOURYORK.TXT 3089 1347 deflated
FRONTDEM.TXT 4054 1656 deflated
GALAXY.TXT 1738 811 deflated
GRENADE.TXT 3095 1231 deflated
JAIL.TXT 4492 1756 deflated
KNIGHTNI.TXT 3257 1104 deflated
KNIGHTS.TXT 1571 706 deflated
LANCELOT.TXT 15324 5222 deflated
LEPER.TXT 4839 1904 deflated
LUMBRJCK.TXT 1913 817 deflated
MANGER.TXT 4402 1680 deflated
MARKET.TXT 6475 2382 deflated
MEDOCTOR.TXT 1361 492 deflated
MOOSE.TXT 1369 767 deflated
NAUTCHEM.TXT 9131 3303 deflated
NUDGE.TXT 2361 920 deflated
OPENSONG.TXT 753 320 deflated
PENGUIN.TXT 2748 1169 deflated
PETSHOP.TXT 6834 2634 deflated
PILATE.TXT 4550 1662 deflated
REPRESS.TXT 3967 1626 deflated
RIGHTS.TXT 2905 1070 deflated
SIRROBIN.TXT 2173 927 deflated
STRING.TXT 4021 1596 deflated
SWALLOW.TXT 2790 1195 deflated
WISEMEN.TXT 3901 1592 deflated
WITCH.TXT 3208 1309 deflated

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Contents of the ARGUMENT.TXT file

**** The argument sketch
**** from Monty Python's Flying Circus
**** Transcribed by Nick Weinkauf 10/10/89
**** After an inacurate version by Malcolm Dickinson

Screen: (Blue world revolves with similar background and BBC ONE at the
Voice Over: And now on BBC one--Six more minutes of Monty Python's
Flying Circus.

A man walks into an office.

Man: Hello, I'd like to buy an argument, please.
Receptionist: Certainly, sir. Have you been here before?
Man: No, I 'aven't.
Receptionist: I see, Do you want to have a full argument or were you
thinking of taking a course?
Man: Well, what would be the cost?
Receptionist: Well, it costs 1L for a 5 minute argument or almost
8L for a course of ten.
Man: Hmmm, Well I think it's probably best if I start with the one
and see how it goes from there, o.k.?
Receptionist: Fine, I'll see who's free at the moment.
Mr. Bates is free, but he's a little bit concilliatory.
Yes, well, try Mr. Bard, Room 12.
Man: Thank you.

He enters room 12.

Man: Well, I was told outside that...
Man: What?
A: OH! Oh! I'm sorry! This is abuse!
M: (smiling) Oh! Oh I see! Well, that explains it!
A: Oh no, you want room 12A, next door.
M: I see...Sorry...
A: Not at all! No, that's alright.
M: (leaves room)
A: (under his breath) stupid git.

The man goes into room 12A. Another man is sitting behind a desk.
Man : (knocks)
Other Man: Come in.
Man: Is this the where I come for an argument?
Other Man:(pause) I've told you once.
Man: No you haven't!
Other Man: Yes I have.
M: When?
O: Just now.
M: No, you didn't!
O: Yes I did!
M: Didn't!
O: Did!
M: Didn't!
O: I'm telling you, I did!
M: You did NOT!
O: Oh I'm sorry, is this a five minute or the full half hour?
M: (Confused) (Pauses) Oh, Just the five minute one. (Closes door
and sits down.)
O: Oh, a five. Thank you.
O: Anyway, I did.
M: You most certainly did not!
O: Now let's get one thing perfectly clear: I most definitely told you!
M: You did not.
O: Yes I did.
M: You did not.
O: Yes I did.
M: Didn't!
O: Yes I did!
M: Didn't!
O: Yes I did!
M: Look, this isn't an argument!
O: Yes it is!
M: No it isn't! It's just contradiction!
O: No it isn't!
M: Yes, it is!
O: It is NOT!
M: It IS! You just contradicted me!
O: No, I didn't!
M: Oh, you DID!
O: oh, no, no, nonono!
M: You did just then!
O: No, no, nonsense!
M: (exasperated) Oh, this is futile!!
O: No, it isn't!
M: I came here for a good argument!
O: No, you didn't. You came here for an argument!
M: Well, an argument is not the same thing as contradiction.
O: (Pauses) It CAN be!
M: No, it can't!
M: An argument is a connecting series of statements to establish a
O: No, it isn't!
M: Yes it is! 'tisn't just contradiction.
O: Look, if I *argue* with you, I must take up a contrary position!
M: Yes but it isn't just saying "No it isn't".
O: Yes it is!
M: No it isn't! (Pauses and looks away, slightly confused)
M: (Continuing) Arguments are an intellectual process. Contradiction is
just an automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says.
O: No, it isn't.
M: Yes, it is!
O: Not at all!
M: Now look...

The Other Man hits a bell on his desk and stops.

O: Thank you. Morning!
M: (stunned) What?
O: That's it. Mrning.
M: I was just getting interested!
O: Sorry, the five minutes is up.
M: That was never five minutes just now!!
O: 'fraid it was.
M: (leading on) No it wasn't.....
(Short Pause)
O: I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue any more.
M: What??
O: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five
M: But that was never five minutes just now!
Oh Come on!
This is ridiculous!
O: I very sorry, but I told you I'm not allowed to argue unless you pay.
M: Oh, alright. (takes out his wallet and pays again.) There you are.
O: Thank you.
M: (clears throat) Well...
O: Well what?
M: That was never five minutes just now.
O: I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!
M: I just paid!
O: No you didn't!
M: I DID!!!
O: No you didn't!
M: I DID!!!
O: No you didn't!
M: I DID!!!
O: I'm arfraid you did not.
M: I don't want to argue about that!
O: Well, I'm very sorry but you didn't pay!
M: Ah hah! Well if I didn't pay, why are you arguing? Got you!!
O: No, you haven't!
M: Yes I have! (short pause)
If you are arguing, I must have paid.
O: Not necessarily. (short pause)
I *could* be arguing in my spare time.
M: I've had enough of this!
O: No, you haven't! (incentively)
M: Oh, Shut up! (Man leaves)

Man enters another room.

Man: I want to complain!
Complainer: You want to complain?? Look at these shoes I've had 'em for
three weeks and thier almost worn through.
Man: No, I want to complain about the...
Cpmplainer: You can complain but if nothing happens you mine as well not
bothered and my back huts and when have you ever had a fun...
Man: (shuts the door)

Man enters another room.
Man is hit on the head with a large hammer (not HUGE, just large)

Man: AAaooooouuUUU!!!
Man With Hammer: Oh no no. Hold your head like this and the go WWAAAAHHH!
Try it again!
Man With Hammer hits him again.
Man: WWHHOooooAAA!
MWH: Better. Better, but WWAAAAHHH! WWAAAAHHH! Hold you hands here.
Man: NO!
Man With Hammer hits him again.
MWH: That's it! That's it, Good!
Man: Stop hitting me!
MWH: What?
Man: Stop hitting me!
MWH: Stop hitting you?
Man: Yes!
MWH: Well, what did you come in here for?
Man: I came to complain!
MWH: Oh, I'm sorry that's next door; It's being hit on the head lessons
in here.
Man: (Pauses) What a STUPID concept!!

Man in a raincoat enters. (Inspector Fox)

Fox: Right! Hold it in here!
Man: What?
MWH: What?
Fox: Allow me to introduce myself; I'm Inspector Fox of the Light
Entertainment Police, Comedy Division, Special FLYING Squad!
Fox: (Hits Man on the head.) Shut up!
MWH: No, no, no, WWAAAAHHH!
Fox: (Hits MWH on the head.) And you!
Fox: He's Good. (Talks to Man) You could learn a thing or two from him!
Right! Now, You two, Me olde cuties: You are NICKED!
Man: What FOR?
Fox: I'm charging you under section 21 of the Strange Sketch Act!
Man: The WHAT?
Fox: You are hereby charged if you did willfully take part in a strange
sketch. That is a skit, spoof or Vienette of unconventional nature
with the intent to cause greavous mental confusion with the great
british public!
(Camera Zooms in.) Fox to camera: Evening all!
MWH: And he talked!
Fos: AND YOU TALKED! (Hits Man on the head again!)
Fox: That's excellent! Right, Come on down to the yard.

Man with raincoat enters room, and places a hand on the shoulder of
Inspector Fox. ( Inspector Thomson Gazelle )

ITG: Hold it, hold it, hold it!
Allow me to introduce myself: I'm Inspector Thomson Gazelle of the
Program Planning Police, Light Entertainment Division, Special
ITG: (Hits Fox on the head.) SHUT TUP!
Fox: IEyaahHH!
MWH: He's good!
ITG: (Hits MWH on the head.) SHUT TUP!
Man: Rotten!
ITG: (Hits Man on the head.)
ITG: Good! Right! I'm arresting this entire show on three accounts:
One, Acts of itself conscious be'avior contrary to the Naughty
In Front Of The Children ACT.
Two, Always saying it's so and so of the yard every time the
fuzz arrives.
And three, And this ones the cruncher, Offenses against the
Getting Out Of Sketches Without A Proper Punch-Line ACT. Namely,
simply ending every sktch by just 'aving a policeman come in and...
(pauses to think)

A man with a raincoat opens the door and puts a hand on the shoulder of
Inspector Thomson Gazelle.

Man who just entered : Hold it!
ITG: it's a fair cop...

Another man behind the man who just entered places a hand on the man in
door's shoulder.

Screen blanks out.

Screen: (Blue world revolves with similar background and BBC ONE at the
Voice Over: And now on BBC one--One more minute of Monty Python's
Flying Circus.

 December 30, 2017  Add comments

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