Contents of the DOS-JOKE.DOC file
* UNREGISTEREDCOPY * $14.90 DOS-JOKE.DOC
* DOS-JOKE *
VERSION 1.7 C.S.S. Inc.
COPYRIGHT 3005 GLENMORE AVE.
1990, 1991, 1992 BALTIMORE, MD 21214
CREATIVE SOFTWARE SOUNDS Inc. (410) 665-0193
Call TOLL FREE 1-800-847-0309 for CREDIT CARD orders.
Table of Contents
I. Introduction...................................... 1
II. Files on this Disk................................ 2
III. How to INSTALL/RUN DOS-JOKE....................... 3
IV. Errors/Problems................................... 4
V. How to use DOS-JOKE............................... 5
VI. Other Speech Products............................. 6
VII. Shareware Distribution............................ 10
VIII. Ordering Information.............................. 12
DOS-JOKE is a new comedy program with real human speech and digital
sound effects. Did you ever see the candid camera show where there is a
guy hiding in the mail box, talking to people as they walk by - well
that is what this program is like. DOS-JOKE will look just like your
PC DOS but with a comedy twist. The high quality speech works thru
your PC speaker. When a user try's to enter a command, DOS-JOKE will
say a nasty or rude comment in response. If no command is entered,
DOS-JOKE will wait for a period of time (you select the delay time) and
then say comments and sound effects to grab the persons attention or
drive them crazy. You can run this package for days !!!!. Use this to
play jokes and gags on your family, friends and coworkers. Don't let
the other person know what is going on (play along with the joke or
hide from the user). try video recording this.
To register, send $14.90 to C.S.S. Inc.
II. Files on this Disk
Below is a list of the files that should be on this distribution disk:
RUNME.BAT RUN THIS, for the first time user of this package.
DOS-JOKE.EXE This is the main program file. This file should
be executed to run the program.
DOS-JOKE.DOC This document file. To print this document
type: "print dos-joke.doc" from D.O.S..
DOS-JOKE.SLB This is a sound library files used by DOS-JOKE.EXE
ORDER.FRM Order form for DOS-JOKE and JOKE-TALK.
PRINTDOC.BAT This will print all of the document files.
III. How to INSTALL/RUN DOS-JOKE
We recommend that you INSTALL this package on your HARD DRIVE.
SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS: 256K of memory
any graphic monitor (EGA/VGA recommended).
If you have a FLOPPY based system, insert the disk into the A
drive, then log onto the A drive, by typing in:
Then to start the program, type in :
* If you have a HARD DRIVE system, insert the disk into your A
drive, then make a subdirector on your hard drive, by typing in:
Then log onto the DOS-JOKE subdirector, by typing in:
Then copy all the files on this disk to the subdirector on
your hard drive, by typing in:
Then to start the program, type in :
REMOVE ALL TSR PROGRAMS AND HAVE 256K OF FREE MEMORY AVAILABLE
BEFORE RUNNING THIS PROGRAM.
If the speech output is not loud enough, this is usually caused by a
inexpensive PC that has a ceramic speaker built on to the mother board
or the speaker is placed in a bad location in your system unit. There
is no cure for this problem (your PC is not 100% IBM compatible).
If the sound output is distorted or muffled or slow, this usually
reflects that the speaker is placed in a bad location in your system,
or a TSR (Terminate and Stay Resident) program is running.
Remove all TSR programs before running DOS-JOKE.
If you receive a BGI graphics error, this usually reflects that a
graphics card was not detected in your system. This product supports
CGA, EGA,VGA, HERC, MDA and SVGA graphic systems. Try using your
graphics setup program to select one of the above graphic systems.
If you have a problem with the keyboard this maybe caused by not
having enough memory in your system (512K needed) or the file size
in your config.sys file is to small. Try increasing your file size.
If you have any problems other then the ones listed above, please call
us or send us a letter, with the error information. This will enable us
to correct the error(s). THANKS........
V. How to use DOS-JOKE
To start the program type in DOS-JOKE at the dos prompt (C>). Read
the introduction screen and enter a wait (delay) number between 1 and
5. This number will tell DOS-JOKE to wait for a period of time before
sending the background speech or sound effects to the pc speaker.
1 - 30 seconds (grab their attention)
2 - 1 minute (default - press any key)
3 - 5 minutes (drive them crazy)
4 - 10 minutes (send them to the funny farm)
5 - 30 minutes (you can run this for days)
(set you watch by this one)
When you enter a wait number, a C> will appear on the screen and
the computer will look like and feel just like dos. Walk away from
the computer and find a good spot to watch the action. You can time
the wait period with your watch. Press ^C at anytime to abort the
* Let the person go as far as they can before giving away the joke.
* You can advance DOS-JOKE to the gag you like, by holding down the
return key. This will suppress the sound output.
* Set the wait number to 5 (30 minutes) and turn off the video monitor.
This will drive a person crazy, trying to figure out where that sound
is coming from.
* If you work in a office, try running this before you go to lunch or
before you leave for the day (the cleaning people will get a kick out
* Try video recording this gag and send it into one of the TV comedy
shows (home video, candid camera, etc.).
* Please register your shareware. We will send you the complete package
when you register, plus a free second speech package.
VI. Other Speech Products
When you register your software we will send you a updated list of
other products for multimedia, business, educational and personal use.
JOKE TALK is a new type of HUMOR program with real human speech that
will say several jokes, play NAME THAT TUNE, VOICE IMPERSONATIONS,
ADULT jokes and much more. Some of the nifty funnies are : computer
jokes, phone rings, greetings, on-liners and the CANDID CAMERA SHOW.
This product will give you hours of entertainment and is has the
capability to copy jokes to other computers. This will allow you to
play practical jokes on your family and friends. (only $29.90)
MULTIMEDIA 1 will allow you to create your own custom presentations,
demo's, tutorials, courseware, reports and much more. With this
package you can combine real human speech, music and sound effects
with high resolution images (up to SVGA). Create a talking slide show.
This package includes:
* OVER 1 MEG. of speech, music and sound effects.
* display GIF, PCX, PIC, TIFF and TARGA files.
* Supports CGA, EGA, VGA and SVGA (upto 1024 x 768)
* MOTION and SPECIAL EFFECTS.
* INTEGRATED DEVELOPMENT EDITOR with:
* MULTIPLE OVERLAPPING WINDOWS
* PULL DOWN MENU
* FULL MOUSE SUPPORT
* COPY and PASTE features
* IMAGE PROCESSING FUNCTIONS
* Screen CAPTURE capability
* Optional SOUND BLASTER support
* NO ROYALTIES
As an added service, we can provide you with custom speech for your
application and we can digitize (capture) your video recording, photos
and any art work that you create. Now you can incorporate sound,
graphics and video images into one package. All this for only $59.00
ALPHABET and WORDS
ABC-TALK is a NEW EDUCATIONAL PROGRAM with a real human voice that
teaches children how to talk, learn the alphabet, read, spell and
work with a computer. ABC-TALK will teach young children to say
early words (hi, mama, dada, I love you, drink, please, thank you,
up, bye, etc.) and how to interact with a computer. For older
children, ABC-TALK will teach them to say and understand the
alphabet, how to find letters on the keyboard, how to recognize
the letters in words and how to spell words. Also included is the
ABC SONG and EASY DRAW for your child's creativity. The voice output
will work with any IBM PC compatible and any graphic monitor. This
program will give children great encouragement to learn. When a
question is answered correctly, ABC-TALK will say positive words (way
to go, great, excellent, etc.). The hi-resolution graphics are
designed to bring out the childs creativity by using kaleidoscopes
and collages (the child will recognize various objects , letters
and words hidden in the graphics). (For only $ 25.00)
NUMBERS and COUNTING
123-TALK is designed for children 2-8 years old. This program will
teach your child how to say numbers, recognize numbers on the keyboard,
and remember their phone number. After you child learns basic numbers,
123-TALK will teach your child how to count balloons, addition and
subtraction. Also includes in this package is easy draw II and the
123 song. This is one of our best selling packages. (For only $ 25.00)
OTHER PRODUCTS WITH TALKING TEACHER under development.
COLORS and SHAPES - Designed for children 1-7 years old.
Cost only $19.50
ADDITION and SUBTRACTION - Designed for children 4-9 years old.
Cost only $24.50
MULTIPLICATION and DIVISION - Designed for children 7-11 years old.
Cost only $24.50
WORD GAMES GRADE 1-3 - Designed for children 6-9 years old.
Cost only $29.50
WORD GAMES GRADE 4-6 - Designed for children 9-12 years old.
Cost only $29.50
EARLY SPANISH - Designed for children 4-12 years old.
Cost only $29.50
PC-TALK (THE VOICE LIBRARY)
The VOICE LIBRARY is a NEW product for business and personal
applications. The library consist of words and phrases the can be
used in all sorts of possibilities. There is no special hardware need
to run the VOICE LIBRARY (works thru the PC speaker). The voice
commands can be put in any batch file (*.bat) and added to your
programs/menus. This package is very easy to use, you simply need to
type PC-TALK at the dos prompt, followed by the words you would
like to say
example: to say happy birthday,
type in: PC-TALK happy birthday
Also included in this package is a PCX display program that can be
used to display pcx pictures. This will give you a TALKING SLIDE
SHOW capability. (This package contains over 1,000,000 bytes of
SPEECH, MUSIC and SOUND EFFECTS (3 disk) for only $29.50)
SW-TALK (THE VOICE LIBRARY for programmers)
The VOICE LIBRARY is a NEW product for SHAREWARE AUTHORS/PROGRAMMERS.
The library consist of over 100 words that can be used to give your
programs a more professional touch and help increase your registrations.
Excellent voice quality That works thru the PC speaker. The voice
commands can be added to any batch file (*.bat) and/or added to your
programs (shell command). This package is very easy to use, you simply
need to type SW-TALK at the dos prompt, followed by the words you would
like to say.
example: to say PLEASE REGISTER YOUR SHAREWARE
type in: SW-TALK REGISTER
Also included in this package is a PCX display program that can be used
to display pcx pictures. This will allow you to design a fancy intro.
screen for your programs. (Cost only $ 25.00)
SHOW TALK (THE SHOW STOPPER)
Did you ever see the candid camera show where there is a guy hiding
in the mail box talking to people as they walk by - well that is what
this product is. It is intended to be used to attract people to the
computer (your show booth or retail store), IT'S A REAL HEAD TURNER.
This program will draw fancy collages and about every 30 seconds it
will say catch phrases (in real human speech), to try and catch the
persons attention. Some of the phrases are:
HELLO - IS THERE ANYONE OUT THERE,
HEY THERE GOOD LOOKING (FEMALE VOICE),
HEY YOU OVER THERE, COME ON OVER HERE,
PLEASE GET ME OUT OF HERE,
TRY PRESSING A KEY
and many more. When the person presses a keyboard key, SHOW TALK will
say a joke or sing a song or play name that tune. This is a great
CUSTOMER CATCHER for your next show. You can also use this in a retail
store or to play jokes on your friends. (Cost only $ 15.00)
GOTCHA is a NEW ARCADE ACTION/STRATEGY GRAPHIC GAME. This game
is CHALLENGING, very ADDICTIVE and lots of FUN. GOTCHA has high
speed Nintendo style graphics, arcade sound effects and voice output,
multiple skill levels and VGA graphic support. The object of the game
is to move your sphere on the playing grid in such a way that you
outlast and/or entrap the computer's sphere. The computer uses
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE based decision making to move it's sphere.
There are four rounds in this version, each round is more difficult
to beat and use different tactics to entrap your sphere. When you
complete all four rounds, a wild graphic screen will entertain you.
We feel this game is a new and exciting interactive graphic game.
First there was PAC-MAN, then there was TETRIS, now there is GOTCHA !!.
(For only $14.50) Available in 1993
VII. Shareware Distribution
Shareware is a growing concept for now and the future. This gives
YOU the chance to freely obtain and try out this software to see if it
fits your needs or provides you with entertainment. Shareware means
that you try it, and if you like it, you should BUY it....
If you continue to use this Shareware program, after trying it out,
you are expected to register your copy with C.S.S. Inc. and pay the
registration fee. What you get in return will be the latest version
of this program , PLUS A FREE second program.
Please support the Shareware concept. This will enable us to
continue to support our software and create new and exciting speech
programs. Considering the price of a comparable commercial software
package, it's obvious that Shareware is a good deal for everyone.
There are real advantages to the Shareware system. You get to try
out software to make sure it's compatible with your system and that it
fits your needs before you "buy" it. C.S.S. Inc. saves the expense of
advertising, packaging and distribution and passes the savings on to you.
Plus, We are much more accessible than commercial software sources, so
your questions and suggestions are much more likely to be responded to.
Copyright laws apply to both Shareware and commercial software, and
the copyright holder retains all rights, with a few specific exceptions
as stated below. Shareware authors are accomplished programmers, just
like commercial authors, and the programs are of comparable quality. (In
both cases, there are good programs and bad ones!) The main difference
is in the method of distribution.
Shareware is a distribution method, not a type of software. You
should find software that suits your needs and pocketbook, whether it's
commercial or Shareware. The Shareware system makes finding software
easier, because you can try before you buy. Shareware has the ultimate
money-back guarantee- if you don't use the product, you don't pay for it.
If you are a Shareware dealer and plan on adding this program to
your library, please send us a letter so we can add you company to
our database. This will allow us to send you any updates to this
program and all future Shareware programs that we develop.
DISCLAIMER OF WARRANTY
THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED "AS IS," THERE ARE NO WARRANTIES, EXPRESSED
OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO THE IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF
MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE, AND ALL SUCH
WARRANTIES ARE EXPRESSLY AND SPECIFICALLY DISCLAIMED. NEITHER C.S.S.
Inc. PRODUCTS NOR ANYONE ELSE WHO HAS BEEN INVOLVED IN THE CREATION,
PRODUCTION, OR DELIVERY OF THIS SOFTWARE SHALL BE LIABLE FOR ANY DIRECT,
INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, OR INCIDENTAL DAMAGES ARISING OUT OF THE USE
OR INABILITY TO USE SUCH SOFTWARE . THIS DISCLAIMER SHALL BE GOVERNED
BY THE LAWS OF MARYLAND.
The files and programs on this disk may not modified or deleted.
Please do not arc or zip these files.
Disk vendors, those who sell Shareware for a profit shall not
charge more then $10.00 per disk.
The programs cannot be sold as part of some other package, without
written permission from C.S.S. Inc..
The distribution disk cannot contain any other programs. If you plan
on adding this program to a CD-ROM package, please write us for approval.
When distributed via a modem link all files must be transferred
in a archive format. We recommend that you use ZIP or ARC format
when you would like to transfer this program over a telecommunication
VIII. Ordering Information
To order the new version of DOS-JOKE plus a free second speech program:
* Send $14.90 U.S. dollars (free shipping in USA, $2.50 shipping
for foreign orders).
* Make your check or money order payable to C.S.S. Inc..
* Send payment to the address below.
3005 Glenmore Ave.
Baltimore, MD 21214
* VISA, MASTER CARD or AMERICAN EXPRESS credit card orders:
* CALL toll free 1-800-847-0309
If you have any comments or suggestions, please
send us a letter or reach us on CompuServe [70461,3520] or
CALL at (410) 665-0193.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT