Dec 312017
 
History of WW2 as told by the mistakes of students.
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History of WW2 as told by the mistakes of students.
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I was grading finals a week or two ago, and had given to my students as an
"identify" (identify and state the significance of...) the term "the Erie
Canal."

One student eschewed many of the niceties such as dates, location, etc., but
did note that the Erie Canal was a waterway ("north of Ohio") that linked the
Northeast and the Northwest, and improved trade.

Then the student went on to say, "Now it is Lake Erie, and used mainly for
relaxation and recreation."

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College freshmen and sophomores, mostly. Two years ago, I had a student
write, "The Vietnam War started when the Vietnamese bombed Pearl Harbor."

I've also had a student explain that the U.S. would never run out of energy
because new coal was being formed all the time. This same student thought
that "interchangeable parts" (a la Eli Whitney) meant "transformers," and
wrote that the American South did not need as many machines as the North,
because they could change their machines around to make other machines.

These were all _serious_ answers. I am not making them up.

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One of my colleagues put up one of those magic marker chalkboards, so that
everybody could write priceless statements like that down. The board fills up
rather quickly.

One of my friends, who now is a professor at Tennessee Tech, taught a World
War II class here for several years. He actually compiled a "history" of the
Second World War from student statements. The following is a sample (all
misspellings are rendered faithfully):

"Germany was beated in World War One. After the Versai treaty, the German
people had no goals in life other than giving themselves enough food to eat
and shelter to keep war. Germany was very depressed. Hitler was their Masia.
He picked his people up, dusted their backsides, told them they were great and
gave them bread to eat. Hitler wanted his people to spread out and breathe.
Anti-Semitism was one of Hitler's most well-known attributes. He used the
unsavory Jews and Slavics to infuriate his people. He brought the German
people out of the gutter.

"Ludwig Beck, a British officer, wrote the Hosenback Memorandum, which said
that Germany must move if it was to achieve the needed Liebaumstraum.
Imperialism was the "in thing" in the 30s and 40s, so Hitler annexed
Australia, and just like Reagan, Germany was back. Romania was taken for oil,
and Albania for rubber and iron or. Germany and Austria sort of got together.
This was called the Anslush. The Germans wanted to smash Rhineland to get back
at Russia for World War One. Rhineland was the location of Russia's major oil
fields. "Blitzkreig" describes the effective defense of the Rhineland."

"Chamberlain was a wimp. He let the Nazis take over the Ardennes, and ravage
Europe at no cost. The Germans landed in Kursk, and proceeded to overrun
Poland before anyone knew what was going on. The Poles tried to use their
horses as tanks, and lost. Then they tried to hold the Maginot Line. Britain
declared war because it stated in the treaty of Versaille that Poland was a
British protectorate. The British people were tired of not doing anything and
forced the signing of the Warsaw Pact. Chamberlain still held negotiations
with the Germans in Muncie during the invasion. Much fighting took place in
the Sudetenland between the Germans and British. 90% of the Germans lived in
Sudetenland. Sedan was given to the USSR in accordance with the non-
aggression pact.

"Hitler was megalomacic. After Poland he went on and on and on. Hitler fired
Fritz and Blomberg because he thought they were both faggots. The German army
trained 24 hours a day, SEVEN days a week, while the Allies just sat. Hitler
conquered Europe because he didn't take a defeat until after Europe was
conquered. In the beginning the Germans did well because they basically fought
no one tough. Denmark was cake. So was Sweden. In the invasion of Norway,
however, The "Blucher" was sunk near the Norwegian capital of Dunkirk.
Eventually the Germans set up a Comissar system in Norway. France, Bulgaria
and Belgim were next on Hitler's hit parade. "Eagle Day" was named for the
invasion of Bulgaria."

It goes on and on and on. If people want, I might post another
installment.

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World War II, part II.

"The Germans were blessed with great strateegists like Rommell, Bach,
Runckstedt and Von Arm. In the 1941 campaign for France, the Germans were
going to use the Von Schwin Plan, but General Gugarian developed a new plan.
The Germans used special "Aunschluss" divisions to aid in the capture of small
towns. The German air force helped by dropping bombs. Stukas were very
effective with their 75mm cannon. After Germany broke the Maginot Line,
Panzer Leader Einsatsgruppen crossed the river in France instead of holding
the line like he was supposed to. The Germans found the going through the
Ardennes impossible, so they plowed through the Meuse River and reached the
English Coast in about two weeks. The French were just too weak, and the
British were non-existant. English and French troops were pushed to Tobruk,
an important harbor in Finland.

"Winston Churchill said England wouldn't surrender even if their island sinks.
He ordered the sinking of the French fleet in Mers-el-Marine. Brition was in
sad shape. They cut down trees and put them on the beaches hoping they looked
like guns. They were fighting World War Two with World War One methods. This
caused great problems until they realized which war they were in. The British
did have good leaders like Montgoney and Bradley and a whole host of others.
George Dowding was foreign minister for defense. He stressed the role of the
mighty RAF in ground attack. His radar helped Britian immensely because it
broke German Siper codes.

"Dresden was a city in England destroyed by strategic bombing. It was bombed
until there were no targets left, except the railraods and factories. There
was no sense in bombing Dresden, it was just full of Japanese citizens. Soon
Hitler gamboled on evasion. The Germans launched Operation Sealion into the
Coral Sea, but the British knew the German plan before they went into action.
During Operation Olympic, the British landed in Germany, quickly pushed the
Germans out and forestalled the invasion of Russia. The British also landed
at Kiev, routing German and Italian defenders."

"On June 22, 1941, Italy stabbed France in the back. Italy got in it for the
fun of it. Their army wasn't worth a shit. The Italians didn't exist in
overall strategy. There were no military minds in the Italian High Command.
Officers bought their commissions so they could eat pasta, meet beautiful
women, and have a nice uniform to wear to local cocktail parties. They had
many cowardly and incompetent officers, i.e. Beppo Smchidt, Grazziano, and
Frtichz Bloomberg. Bologilo was unable to lead a squad, let alone an army.
They were the worst band of bunglers in the war.

"Mussolini was Hitler's chubby little clone. He invaded Greece, Ethiopia and
several other low African countries. The Italian operations were
characterized by retreat. General Manstein, the great Italian war leader,
captured, or tried to, the town of Cyrilia. The British accidentally pushed
the Italians from East Africa, while a torpedo run sunk over four Italian
battleships in Toronto. An air rade got Ben Ghazio, and the Greeks would not
lay down and die. Soon the Italians attached themselves to Hitler. He sent
the Africa Core to the Dessert War. This turned out to be a sea saw battle of
attraction.

"By 1942, the war was going well, Germany was winning and all was right with
the world. General Donitz was Chief of the U-boats. He used the "Wolf Pact"
against Great Britain. He led subs to New Orleans and Venezuela to blow away
oil tankers. With no submarine force at all, his "Wolf-packing" techniques
sunk allied ships right and left until the end of the war. Then 30,000 out of
40,000 U-boat crews died."

If interest is still there, I will continue...

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World War Two, Part III

"After the Fall of France, Hitler got drunk for six months, after catching a
nasty victory disease. The Nazis needed more Leibersraum, so they attritted
as much land as possible. Hitler invaded Hungary, Bulgaria, and Yougoslavia.
To get at Yougoslava, the Germans had to go through Finland. In Africa,
Rommel's tactics were great, but his strategical stunk. Malta was very
important, because it was part of Sicily. Malta's radar could pick up German
convoys. The Germans thought their was a leak in one of their men.

"Greed for Cacus oil prompted Hitler to invade Russia. Hitler launched
Operation "Market-Garden," the coded name for the invasion on September 22,
1940. The Germans thought the sub-humans would simply fall down and shout
"Hail Hitler." Stalin was as much of a slime as Hitler. He shot all his
generals except Zhakarov. He killed everybody in the Ukraine. Stalin had his
pants down when the Germans came into battle. He was worried about letting
all that Lenin had built slide down the toilet. He wasn't in the mood to
defend his borders, so he sat around until December 5th. Bearacaucrats saved
the Russian Bare.

"For the first six days, the invasion went well. General Manstein overran
Crete and the Yukrain, but the Germans went too far in capturing land and
killing people. It rained and snowed for the next two days. Russia became a
massive pool of quicksand, so the tanks got stuck and run down in the
logistical department. Soon the Germans were just too far east, with long
linguistic lines and broad fronts, to adequately supply. So they attacked
again when the weather cleared, and captured Moscow, which is why the Russians
have a German government today.

"It didn't hurt the Russians to lose a few million men here and there. If it
wasn't for General Zuche, though, the Russians would have become Hitler's
personal farm workers. Zuche "sicked" his troops on the Nazis, with orders to
take Vyuzmuk. The Germans lost the battle for Moscow because they had no
clothes. The high command had wanted to bring up clothing and supplies, but
Hitler said no, Germany must drive on and prosper. The Germans drove to Moscow
and froze their asses off. This really stiffened the German advance.

"Russian soon went on the offensive and destroyed German resistance at such
places as Stalingrad, Krusk, and Antwerp. Britain lend-leased lots of
tractors to Russia, which were transmuted into tanks. At Stalingrad, the
Russians used tanks for the first time. They destroyed the German 6th Army
under Palers. Every German politician was killed. Rumania was surrounded.
This turned the Eastern Front around. After the tide changed, the Germans
started letting Italians become commanders.

"The United States got in the war to help its ally, France. Churchkill,
Roosevelt, and Stalin met at Malta. Roosevelt was a master politician, which
meant that he was cautious, and would never commit fully. He decided on
Africa, which had no strategic signifigance, but was just a good place to
train troops. One landing was at Casablanca, and the other at Caen. The
British and Americans commanded each other.

"Even though they were militarily strategic, the Germans were often
outsmarted, and they sucked at logistics. This is because if you weaken all
the services of your armed forces you take out all of their strength. In the
militarial sense, Germany was very operational. The overtaking of Poland, for
example, was due to specific operational tactics. Germany's military
industrial complex was non-existant. As Allies, the Axis had to import most of
its aloys, some steal, and raw matreiral.

"Rommel won at Trobuck, but the Allies finally won at El Alein. The British
and the English captured Tobruk during a different phrase of the battle. The
Germans took it back to prevent Great Britain from shutting down the railroad
to Narvik. Allied tank power out did the "dessert fox" and it retreated
towards Berlin. The Germans gave a last stand at Malta before going to Italy.
The Allies played a trick on Hitler and landed at Sissily instead of Sardinia.
The Germans lost their entire reserve unit in this battle, but Izenhower was
wounded in a Tunisian port. German morale began to slip as more and more men
got killed.

"The use of combined operations in the air resulted in a complete turn around.
The British were "into" night bombing. The Americans flew in the daylight
hours so the men could see who they were fighting with. Area bombing was the
number one style, though the bombs mostly hit Farmer Brown's cows. The
British used P-31's to escort their obsolete "Sperling" bombers. Our bombers
trained in Arizonia, so they didn't need escorts. The British bolted pieces of
metal on the bottoms of their planes, thus throwing radar off. They dropped
windows, which were nothing more than glass, which really confused the
Germans.

"The British, United States, and the Soviets all raided Hamburg. The firs
tbomb hit a lumber mill, which caught fire, and caused a lot of havoc, not to
mention deaths. Even though Hamburg was reduced to ashes the cathedrals and
other important landmarks were avoided during the bombing. Hamburg was a
success, but Numberg was a blunder. American B-52's missed the ball bearing
plant where tank engines were made at Shwerfurt. Afterward, Ira Acher and
Albert Speer assumed command of American air combat. The Germans began
building V1 and V2 bombers, which Hitler tested out on the Jews."

Again, if you are getting tired of this let me know. But if you want me to
post the next installment, let me know as well.

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World War II, part IV

"We ultimately won the most important air battle, the Battle of Attrition. In
this battle we surprised the Nazis, who thought we were coming a day later.
WE could send in hundreds of bombers per day, and if they were all lost, big
deal, we could always send more. We sent a million bombers against Cologne.
This massive attrition, however, did make the stratosphere dangerous to
pilots. All this infuriated Hitler and made him even more megolamacic, because
when your industry is doing badly, your linguistics suffers, too. He put Al
Speer, a military mystic, in charge of production of Germans, replacing Ernst
Udet. Speer increased production of Leopard tanks by 50%.

"The Allies landed in South France so they could capture the port of Naples.
They had good leaders, like Bradley, who was an able general, but always let
the Germans escape. Eisenhower got ashore but he lost 80% of his men. They
had to put a leash on Patton. He was suppossed to go to Falaise, but wound up
in Metz. Patton shot at will into Europe and continued to raise hell even when
the Germans weren't there anymore. Monty had the Germans half-trapped near
Falaise, but the 15th Army escaped across the Schliest River, and kept the
port of Antwerp closed until the winter of 1945. Monty stopped because there
was dirt onhis boots.

"`Market Garden' was Montgomery's blackest of black eyes. The Allies had 30
Armed Corps for this trapse through Holland. The 101st dropped at Eichorn,
the 82nd at Nijemejen, and the British 1st at Antwerp, all trying to capture
bridges `with tact.' Then the Home Guard tried to march straight down the
road from Edinburgh to Arnhem. The plan called for the Allies to destroy
bridges as they went aloneg. The major problem was that there were too many
bridges that needed destroying. Another problem was that once the bridges
were destroyed, the Allies couldn't cross the rivers. Many pieces of
equipment couldn't cross the rivers so numerous logistical problems resulted.
The entire operation was something of a miserable failure.

"The Germans were a success with their own people but not those of other
countries. Socially, Hitler killed off Jews, gypsies and faggots. For a
while it was thought all the undesirables could be put on a desolate island,
but this wouldn't have worked. Thru Barbarossa, Sealion and other German
offensives, undesireable elements were subject to such inhumane punishments as
death. Each army had kill teams called Einsatzgrupen that killed Russian Jews
on contact. They killed many unnecesary civilians. The Germans felt that if
they were rid of the Jews, then the Allies wouldn't attack.

"Heydrich, one of Hitler's `big boys' and top goons, was a creul man with
pretty blue eyes. He was in charge of RASH, the beuerocratic heart of the
Gespo. He called the Waseea conferance. Everybody in Germany came. At this
meeting they discussed the final salvation of the Jews. Some medical students
were beheaded and tortured. But on July 20th, Von Schleffenberg tried to have
assissinated Hitler. He took a bomb into the Wolf's Lair. It blew Hitler's
arm off, but didn't kill him. Hitler abolished court martials and reverted to
military law.

"During Operation Overlord, Hitler was on some train ride and couldn't be
reached. Ouradour Sur Glane was the only German counter-offensive. First,
the air force bombed the village. The SS took the town hostage. Then the
infamous "Nazi Division", part of the SS-crimnals, hung all of the men from
every available lamppost. Then they trapped the women and kids in a barn and
blew it up. Six hundred villagers were put in a church, and they set it on
fire. The whole village was destroyed by the elimination of people. This
maliscious massacre shows the creul and inhuman way in which the Wassen SS
thought in World War Two.

"General Zushuh pushed on in the East, relying on armored units and bad
winters. The Russians would spurt at 150 miles a clip. The Germans took
terrendous casualties on the Eastern Front from Zyachov. After the battle of
Antwerp, the USSR pushed the Nazis out of the Ardennes and into the Dieppe
River. The Russians made a dash for the Balkins, because Russia always needed
a warm water port. On the last day of the war, the underground came up. The
Poles "uprose", but they were flattened by Russian artillery and German
engineers.

"As the final push into Germany was going on, Rommel was defeated in the
desert by the British. The Americans eventually just let their armies on the
loose and attacked whatever and whoever possible. Hitler shot his load in the
Battle of the Bugle. He ordered another counter attack, but there were only
five panzer divisions left and they had no feul or ammunitions, so the Germans
just chewed themselves up. The Allies raced through Belguim, and Warsaw was
about the extent of our drive. Once Germany lost all their submarines, tanks,
air force and men, they finally surrendered, which was just as well, because
if Germany had lasted longer, she would have been atomically bombed.

"If I had been running the war, I would have given the Russians three months
to pull out of Western Europe, or I would have let Patton go ahead and stomp
them. But if Hitler had concentrated a little more on the war, I might be
writing this in German."

I want to reemphasize, that all spellings were reproduced accurately. This
concludes the European section; if people want, I'll start posting the Asian
section (which is shorter). I think there are things that all people here can
enjoy, but for those of you most familiar with WWII, this is generally
funnier.

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The History of the Second World War: Asia

"The three Axis nations may have been Allies, but they were hardly alike.
Japan was ruled by the Rising Sun. Internal unrest hampered Japan as her
leaders played "musical chairs." The feudal, divine-God people of Japan were
loyal to Emporer Hirshita. Hirshita wanted to contral China, Mongolia, and
the entire Pacific Ocean. The Japanese military was young and hateful of
Allied taxes. Japanese Nomonhans visited the US, gaining knowlege of naval
powers. All the Japanese wanted to do was kill Americans.

"The Soviet Union and Italy were in the midst of civil wars and Hitler didn't
trust the yellows. Rommel used Singapore, an orient city, in his overtaking
of North Africa. German power stayed there until he regrouped. The Chinese
were getting supplies from Britain down a long road from Malta. The Japanese
demaned Great Britain close the road. Montgomery set up bases and airstrips in
the Philippines. Eventually Japan defeated the Germans in the Phillipines in
1942.

"The Japanese were very strategically oriented, that is, they fought when it
was least expected. The British were drinking tea in Malaysia when the Japs
sank the Repulse and some other British ship. The Japanese threw the British
out of the Malay Archipeligo and Tsing Tao. They used Singapore as a base for
the invasion of China. After the attack the Chinese decided to boycott
Japanese goods.

"The Japanese moved against the Americans, and put a dark glow around the
world. The Americans were taking Sunday off when the Japs attacked, using
Zero fighters equipped with Rolls-Royce automobile engines. They sent a few
thousands of these planes to bomb Pearl Harbor. The `Saratoga' was tourapart.
All our destroyers were destroyed.

"America's plan for the Pacific War was called `Clockwork Orange.' General
Stark, the CNO, had another plan called `Plan Dog.' MacArthur believed that
he could bring Japan to its feet by cutting off its materials. He set up
headquarters in New Zealand, because that was the only place in the South
Pacific not occupied by the Japs. We were in the basement operationally until
Savo Island made us realize the Japs weren't Coke bottle kids. The battle of
Midway prevented the Japs from invading the Australates' coast. The Japanese
fleet broke down at Midway and was aniahlated. Big Mac began his campaign of
`island jumping', and meeting resistance. Because of some brilliant
strategies, and a lot of luck, and magic, we were able to produce some major
battles, such as Qualacanal. Tarwarwa was a real butt-kicking. They shot the
shit out of them. The Jap Navel was now confined to harber in Burma for lack
of feul.

"The weather, diseases, and volcanos proved troublesome to the Americans. We
had to build small islands for supply purposes. The Jungle met with the
Ocean, and this caused the Americans major supply difficulties. When shells
were sent in the Jungle, many parrots died, but few Japs. Admiral Yamato, a
great general, believed in massive infantry movements with little rest in
between.

"The Japs had the right idea, but lacked the equipment to back them up. The
Japanese economy wasn't shining brightly. The United States produced tanks
and airplanes like candy, while American subs taxed Japan's `dindling' trade.
Nonetheless, the Japanese did not roll over and play dead. Instead, they
gradually became more phantomical. They retreated into caves and other
subterranean defensive positions. The Japanese liked to hole up like ants in
mountanous regions. They were dug in very deeply into every nook and cranny
of every island. The Americans had to extricate these dug-in Nips. We
`bulldozed' our way into Japanese forts, clearing out about 120,000 dead
Japanese per island. The foot by foot fighting had a great cost in American
lives, because the hand to hand combat nullified the use of artillery.

"After the Marianas, General McCarthy bypassed Truck, and moved into Malya,
though he begged to be sent to the Pillipine Islands. To beat the Japanses,
Admiral Nemits had to get his big boats to beat their big boats. He destroyed
all of Japan's land and carrier-based aircraft at `Great Mary Anne Turkey
Shoot.' The 7th fleet was seriously endangered at Leyte Gulf, a battle in the
South Pacific near New Zealand. The Japanese attacked in three separate
coloms. Admiral Nimmits escaped to the north. When the Americans saw the
Japanese fleet, Admiral `Bull' Haizley panicked, and started bombing and
fighting crazily, never realizing what was going on. For some reason, the
Japs went home.

"The Americans still suffered huge losses because of `Kassicansee' attacks.
Kamikaze pilots were stupid, they ran right into the American ships, but they

still tended to unnerve the Americans a bit. The Japs sent Kamaikazes into
battleships, cruisers, or whatever else they felt like blowing up. This was
not, however, an efficient use of pilots. Eastern China was full of war, and
the Japs ran low on Raw Matterreal. Iwo Jima was diastoruous. They put
100,000 suicidal troops on Okinawa, which is in the Rukyrus. The Japanese
suffered a stoic loss there. The troops were reduced to eating each other to
stay alive.

"Finally the US launched Operation Olymic and landed on Kirayushu. The
landings went pretty good, but once the troops got ashore the Japs started
firing. We were badly mauled by everything that could kill a soldier by a
half-million Japs. The scrapping of Olympic led to the rise of the atomic
bomb. President Turman decided to drop the H-bomb. After the second H-bomb
was dropped on Naskinska, Japan was willing to stop the fight. Prime Minister
Hirohito surrendered. Thank God for the bomb!"

Well, that's it, folks: everything you ever wanted to know about World War
II, but were afraid to ask. Hope you enjoyed it.

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