-----=====> The Way It Is <=====-----

[A simple summary of the universe.]

By: Ed T. Toton ]I[

10/91

(c) 1991 Ed T. Toton III

Edition 1, Release 1
(future editions and releases
are possible, but not likely)




-----------------------------------------------------
| A simple summary of the universe, including the |
| religious, historical, technical, and philosophical |
| aspects. Brace yourself, this is fast-paced and is |
| loaded with everything you ever wanted to know. |
|-----------------------------------------------------|
| WARNING- Not suggested for weak minds, |
| Batteries not included, |
| May cause drowsiness or dizziness. |
-----------------------------------------------------


___________
/===========\
<>-----------------------------------------------------------<>
(a simple summary of the universe)
Chapter I
[The Beginning]
<-Ed T. Toton ]I[->


<============================================================================>
_____________
THE BEGINNING
verses 1 - 28
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(chapter 3 of The Book of the Cosmos)


1. In then beginning, there was nothing to begin with, so there was no
beginning.

2. After the non-existant beginning began, nothing had yet began to begin
to be.

3. But before anything could begin to begin to be, something had to begin to
begin to be.

4. So by and by, beginning to be had not yet began to be, so then beginning
began to be before the beginning.

5. But this was only the beginning because the beginning was only beginning
to begin to be.

6. Thus the beginning began to begin to be, and it began before the
beginning of the end of the beginning.

7. So after the beginning before the end began, time and space began to
begin to be.

8. But before this could begin, there had to be the beginning of the big
bang.

9. Thusly the big bang blew and the true beginning began before the
beginning to come after this beginning.

10. Once the big bang blew, the beginning of matter and energy began to begin
to be.

11. But behold! The beginning was only beginning to begin to be because this
beginning began before the beginning of the end of the beginning began
to be.

12. And the beginning always begins to be before the beginning of the end
begins to be because.... well, because nothing in particular.

13. Then the new beginning began to be but only before the old beginning
began to become dead.

14. But the new beginning began after the beginning of the end of this
beginning.

15. But before the beginning could begin to end, the beginning of life had
to begin to begin to be.

16. But this did not begin to begin to be until near the beginning of the
end.

17. And these beginnings began before the big bang blew which was before the
beginning of the end.

18. Being before this was the beginning of big bubbles of matter called
galaxies bouncing beautifully.

19. But this was only the beginning because this was the beginning of the
beginning before last.

20. But the being of big bouncing bubbles brought the beginning of the end
of the beginning of the big bang.

21. But life had not yet began to begin to be. Thus the beginning began.

22. But then, before the beginning of the end began, life began to begin to
be, to be boring that is.

23. But now, the beginning of the end began to be able to begin to be but
life didn't want that.

24. And all began to be good, but before this began the being of the
beginning.

25. But this was only the beginning because the beginning began by being a
big bore before the beginning of the end began to be.

26. Behold, the beginning of the beginning of the end began to begin to be
before the big end!

27. Thusly and verily did the beginning of the end beginning to begin to
be became the biggest beginning before the end.

28. Now the beginning began to begin to end at the ending of the beginning
before the big end after the beginning of the beginning.





___________
/===========\
<>-----------------------------------------------------------<>
(a simple summary of the universe)
Chapter ][
[Introduction to creation and religion.]
[Ed T. Toton III]


<============================================================================>

Now for an introductory lesson...

The way it is. Chapter ][ [Scientific version]

(an attempt to explain the religious stuff scientifically)
(if that makes any sense)


The universe consists of matter, energy, and forces (the forces deal
with energy, but are seperate items). The subject we will address here is
one force in particular, the one that holds nuclei of atoms together, the
force that keeps solid objects in one peice, and that which keeps planets
in orbit about their suns. It is the one ultimate binding force of the
cosmos, you guessed it, Duct Tape.
After the big bang, matter was strewn about everywhere, and the only
forces acting upon the plasma was it's own pressure and heat. Then strands
of duct tape began to form. Molecules and complex nuclei formed quickly,
and soon it started to stick large clumps of gas together such that they
may form stars and planets. Then larger strips of duct tape became possible,
and galaxies formed from the clusters of stars being drawn ever closer by
this infinitely powerful adhesive force.
Then even more complex molecules began to form, as mini-tape strands
clustered together. Thus came the advent of DNA and thereby, life. And the
adhesive and attractive nature of duct tape was not limited to just the
physical and chemical components of the universe, but also effected the
behavioral and emotional patterns of the living entities within it. Why
else do you think male and female beings put up with each other? And why
do you think you are still reading this? And why are you still on earth
and not floating in space? And why is it that my car keeps hitting those
little fuzzy things on the road? Duct tape, THAT is the answer.

(simple history of the universe)
And that's the way it is.





<============================================================================>

The way it is. Chapter ][ [Religious version]


<= The Book of the Cosmos, chapter 4, verses 1-6 =>

1.
In the beginning, there was only darkness and chaos. Then verily did the
advent of duck tape bring order and light to this earth! Unto thee I say,
Hail oh great omnipotent source of adhesive power! All hail Duct Tape!
Yeah!
2.
After god brought forth the duct tape, he than planted upon his fertile
earth the first of men. And unto them he said "Unto thee I verily bestow
the power of good and evil, the power of light and darkness, the power to
keep your mates from running away, the power to keep your car from getting
stolen, I bestow upon thee the power of Duct Tape! And from this point
forward thou shalt always use it in remembrance of me." And with that he
created Duct Tape in his own image.
All hail!
3.
Afterwards, he said unto the people of earth,
"These are my commandments:
1. Thou shalt not kill (at least not with duct tape)
2. Thou shalt not steal (at least not with duct tape)
3. Thou shalt not worship any other
adhesive material but me (especially
not scotch tape).
4. Thou shalt frown at masking tape.
5. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors tape.
6. Thou shalt not commit tape-discarding.
7. Thou shalt keep holy the Tape-Worship Day.
8. Thou shalt not use glue or any other
non-tape adhesive material.
9. Thou shalt not harm any fuzzies.
10. Thou shalt love Duct Tape as thou doth love thyself."
Yeh!
4.
Then verily unto man did fall the awesome responsibility of this
power. But woe did he not prove worthy, for the duct tape became
his undoing. Unto thee I say woe!
Woe!
5.
But then forth man did again arise. But without the duct tape,
and thusly no adhesive strength. But everything was honkey dorey. For man
accomplished great things only a mother could be proud of, and duct tape
once again became his!
Yeah!
6.
Thusly and verily I say upon thee that this was the all holy and sacred
progeny of our own people. Take note and beware the power of the all sacred
duct tape, and do not forsake thine destiny by performing such blasphemes
as discarding the tape, for only in the tape wilst thou find true oneness
with the divine being.
Oh holiest of sticky adhesive materials! Upon thee we place our souls,
so that we may be bound eternally to the cosmos by thine divine sticky
surface! And lead us not to thine un-sticky side and thus eternal
damnation! We pray to thee!!
We pray! We pray!
All hail!!


And that's the way it is.

<============================================================================>

Ed. Note- (get it? "Ed" note? Ha!)-
If there were ever a point to quit while you're ahead, it's now.
This chapter can stand on it's own, whereas the ones hereafter depend on
you having read this one, and are not recommended for the weak mind.

___________
/===========\
<>-----------------------------------------------------------<>
(a simple summary of the universe)
Chapter ]I[
[Technicalities.]
<-Ed T. Toton ]I[->
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
<============================================================================>


And now for a technical standpoint...

(The universe itself)

The universe is immensly vast (it's also very big). We already know
that it is held together by duct tape, so I won't discuss that further
(well, maybe, but not now anyway). As you know the universe is quite
big... oh yeh, already said that.. Ok.
Let's discuss the size. The universe is so big, that everything that
exists inside it fits within it. Now how can this be? We all know that
a baker's dozen is 13, and that a 10 gallon hat isn't really 10 gallons.
These are prime examples of things that contradict this theory. Yet on
the same tolken, if not everything fit, where would it go? Oh nevermind,
we all know very well that when something leaves the universe it goes to
that giant septic tank in the sky, but then that hasn't been proven yet,
so we must assume that my first statement was in error, and the universe
is in fact too small to hold everything within it.
Now this leads us to our next sub-topic, black holes. They are like
giant vaccuum cleaners that suck up everything in their path (I think they
were built by Black-&-Decker, but it could have been Sears). And it's due
to these little electrical disasters are what keeps the universe from
imploding (which we will discuss later) by sucking up the excess matter.
Unfortunately these things are pretty dark, and I wouldn't suggest
stepping into one (trust me, it's bad). These infinitely dense balls
of debris are not exactly a good choice for a vacation spot.
Speaking of infinity, that leads us to yet our main topic (I think
I see a pattern emerging). Infinity can be described in the simple
equation 1/0 (don't you love undefined numbers). You can get an infinite
number any time you divide something by 0. An example of an undefined
ratio would be my intelligence divided by Saddam Hussein's IQ (wow,
a microcosm of the universe!!).
It took scientists decades to calculate the entire equation of the
universe (and no, I haven't shifted topics yet). The entire equation is
still infinity, but it has a very specific set of numbers within it.
It is: 0^0/0. The hard part was the denominator, which also equates to
the purpose of the universe (that's one of the reasons the specific
numbers are so significant). It took those very same scientists several
years to discover what "0 raised to the 0 power divided by 0" could really
mean. Well, they put the question to a super-computer and it's response was
"42-meter Duct Tape" (it took 42 minutes to calculate it as well). This
was by far an immense discovery. After all, it takes alot of guts to use
up several decades only to find a conclusion that is utterly useless
(because we already know about duct tape). And fortunately for us, those
scientists were fired before they could start work on the cosmic meaning
of the number 42 (we later discovered that 42 is the number of young that
are born at a time by a certain species of worm, which happens to be called
a 'Tape' worm. It is also the standard size of herd of a certain species
of man-eating cricket. And on top of that, it's the size of one company's
economy-packs of Duct Tape).

Several years ago a study was funded with about 2 trillion dollars
to find as many things as possible that deal with these numbers (now you
know where the national debt came from). Unfortunately not much has become
of it, most of the money went towards buying industrial strength duct tape,
which was later used to try to keep the San Andreas fault from causing any
earth-quakes. (it wasn't my "fault", get it? Fault? Ha!).

Here is what has been discovered during the 21 year study..
(that which hasn't already been mentioned, at anyrate):

42 = collective IQ of the world leaders.

3 = number of high school students that (note that 3 is the
don't reproduce before they graduate number of 0's in the
cosmic equation.)
0 = number of intelligent decisions made
by the government.

3 = number of megs left on my hard drive.

42 = the top speed of my neighbor's car.

30 = the original size of the first hard (note that the 30
drive my BBS used. contains a '3'
and a '0'.)
0 = collective mass of the brains of
the idiots who take this seriously.

0 = amount of light reflected from
black things (to be discussed later).

3 = number of original copies of
The Book of the Cosmos.

3 = number of young born to a single
fuzzy during it's life span.


(And this is a scientific report.. humph...)


As mentioned briefly previously, implosion is a major factor in
the universe. If there were too much stuff in the universe, (which
there is) then it would instantly implode. (And the implosion force
would be equal to the mass of the universe multiplied by the reciprocal
of 0 (and for you non-techies, that would be infinitely large (and don't
you just love these parenthetical statements?))). If it weren't for duct
tape, and small fuzzies, the universe would have imploded about 42 minutes
ago.
That's why you don't go around killing fuzzies (Heh, oops). The fate
of the universe depends on their survival, and I don't care how fun it is
to watch them implode when they die! Just don't touch them, ok?
Why do the fuzzies play such a large role in universal implosion? Well,
that's a question that has been pondered for about, oh, at least a minute
or two. Actually, we're not sure about that either (but they have funded
another study to look into that). One theory is that they actually invented
duct tape. But then, how can a little 1 centimeter thing that looks like a
ball of fuzz with two eyes do anything with that level of significance?
Well, the answer may lie within their colors. As we all know, fuzzies come
in many colors, the most common of which are black, white or grey. Theory has
it that blue ones are rather intelligent and green ones are almost mindless.

Did you ever notice that the black fuzzies are quite black in color?
Well, that's because they are black. If they weren't black, then they
would be a different color. But they ARE black. And since they are black,
they reflect very little, if any, light. This is typical of what we
scientists call a black thing. And black things play a large role in the
cosmic scene as well. That's one reason black fuzzies are suspected to be
very important. Some other black things that are significant are black holes
(as previously discussed). And black things are quite significant in another
fashion, the amount of light they reflect is 0, which of course is the
universal denominator. Black holes in particular are quite significant in
yet another way, they were once stars, but they imploded (there's that word
again). More on this later (if I feel like it).


And that's the way it is...




___________
/===========\
<>-----------------------------------------------------------<>
(a simple summary of the universe)
Chapter IV
[History & science galore.]
<-Ed T. Toton ]I[->
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
<============================================================================>


And now for a historical standpoint...

The earliest record we have of any human able to comprehend it's
surroundings dates back about 2 million years. There are cave writings
that show the types of animals they hunted, as well as some sort of strange
black rectangular object/obelisk (there's that color again). But at that
early stage there seemed to be no knowledge of how things really worked,
no knowledge of science. That started only couple thousand years ago
(which we will get to in a moment).
As time progressed, tools were invented, such as stone knives, bows,
spears, then eventually swords, axes, boats, and an early form of glue.
They still believed that everything had a supernatural origin (I'm not
denying that there actually was, we don't know that for sure).
Later (only a couple thousand years ago), people started building
all sorts of things.. houses, sailing ships, wagons, guns, cannons, rockets,
and fuzzy corrals. Note that I mark the beginning of that period at a couple
thousand years ago, and the later items on the list were as recent as a
couple hundred years ago.
Then, such minds as Albert Einstein, Thomas Edison, George Washington,
and a small select group of non-sentient comatose newborns made some
astonishing discoveries (the least of which was the fact that one
cannot possibly chop down a cherry tree and not tell a lie). They
revolutionized the world. They discovered electricity and the fact that
atoms cannot be broken (or else the world will implode). They also
discovered that light gets bent around massive objects due to the gravity,
and later discovered that that was an error and the real reason that light
is bent is the change in density of the ether around those objects.


Now for the last few years of discoveries:

Most recently were such discoveries as that computer viruses and worms
are actually alive, and it has become illegal to eradicate them because they
are an endangered species. Trojans however can be blown to bits if the
person so desires. Conversly, among the things deemed non-living were items
like history teachers, the president's cabinet, and most types of bathroom
tissue (though the debate still continues on that one). Another recent
discovery was the fact that Trix are for kids.
However, advances in astronomy are slow in coming, mostly because the
astronomers have been observing the wrong kind of heavenly body. But they
have managed to build a telescope that can peer into your bedroom from
orbit. One significant discovery made recently was the fact that the sun
does actually cease to exist after sunset, and it is then reborn in the
morning.
Plans to build a spacecraft to venture to Jupiter are underway. The
idea of making a new 'Discovery' is quite tempting to some NASA theorists.
One in particular (who is against the project) was interviewed; his response
was simply, "What the HAL do they expect to find up there?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------


Q & A time...



Q.
Now that was a nice overview of technological progress, but when did the
nature of the universe start to become known?

A.
Well, as previously stated, prehistoric man started to discover the
simplest of adhesives, glue. But tape wasn't developed/discovered until
somewhere near the early part of the twentieth century. In the late 60's,
work on the problem of mathematically expressing the universe began. And
only now do we know the significance of certain numbers and sticky things.
Fuzzies are still under investigation, and we will probably never know all
of the things that deal with those special numbers discussed earlier. But
at least we have better telescopes!


Q.
What exactly do the fuzzies do?

A.
Were you sleeping? We just said that's still under investigation!
Geeeezzzz, some people! Please try to pay more attention.


Q.
What is the single unified universal binding force of the cosmos?

A.
This is a trick question, isn't it...


Q.
What are Einstein's theories about? Especially relativity..
A.
Welp, here's a toughie.. First of all, the relativity deals with the
idea that somewhere within the same area of space in time, there will
always be someone related to you. Basically you can't escape your relatives,
even at the speed of light. That was his most important discovery. Among
the less significant were things like thermonuclear energy, which is the
energy given off in the form of heat as the nuclei of atoms fight to the
death. Under an electron microscope we have actually seen entire atomic
cities fall to dust in chain-reaction wars.


Q.
How big is the universe?
A.
Ask god. Ha! Seriously, we are working on that. We have located a star
that is right on the edge of the universe (we know it's on the edge because
we can see it's reflection). We have calculated it's distance from us. Now
we only have yet to find another star in the other direction that is also
on the edge. The present theory is that we are at the center, and thus the
distance to that star is the radius of the universe. Of course there is one
slight problem, we have spotted galaxies that are billions of times farther
than that star. But scientists have officially stated that it is purely
coincidental and unrelated (whatever that means).


Q.
Which weighs more, the sears tower or the ancient pyramid of cheops?
A.
Is that really relevant? Well, I will say this. Divide the mass of
either one by your IQ and you'll get an undefined number. Hey, wait a
minute, who's letting these people in here? Nevermind, next question...


Q.
Why is the earth round? Why not square or triangular?
A.
Good question. First of all, it's NOT round. It's a popular misconception
that it is round. It's actually flat. We have already lost some ships off
the edge. We still don't know what's on the other side, but we do know that
under there is where the sun is destroyed and created each day. Everytime
we send a satellite or a boat or a spaceship over there, they vanish.
One theory is that the bermuda triangle extends downward into the earth,
and comes out the other side. That would explain all the vanishings, and
what happens to the sun.


Q.
Why did the chicken cross the road?

A.
To get away from you. And that sounds very tempting at the present
moment. Why else?





And that's the way it is...

___________
/===========\
<>-----------------------------------------------------------<>
(a simple summary of the universe)
Chapter V
[Philosophical gibberish]
<-Ed T. Toton ]I[->
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
<============================================================================>


And now for a philosophical standpoint... [Hmmmm...]

What is the meaning of life? What is our purpose in the universe? How
much time do we have left to exist? Is procrastination actually virtue?
Can philosophers be considered living beings? Is Bounty the quicker
picker-upper? And what about Bob? These are questions that have been
pondered for millenia. And we are only slightly closer to knowing the
answers now than we were many centuries ago.
One man knew the answers, but unfortunately he died at birth. Others
have had some of the answers, but they died in an airplane crash on the
way to the place where they were going tell the world what they knew.
Well, not too much is known, but here is the present view of our
leading scientists and philosophers:
The meaning of life is something that is quite impossible to pinpoint.
However, one can look into several of it's infinite facets. One popular
viewpoint is that we are all here to destroy one another and ourselves
in the process. Mankind has demonstrated this throughout history, constant
wars have plagued the planet.
The ultimate goal in life is to find bigger and better ways to obliterate
each other. So far nuclear weapons are the best we've come up with. Just
wait until we harness anti-matter!
The purpose of the universe is to implode, as it will inevitably do one
of these days. All it takes is a mass death of fuzzies, or some other
disaster that unbalances the space-time continuum. But never fear, we have
millions of fuzzies that were bred and put in cryogenic stasis for just such
an emergency (unfortunately we don't know how to unfreeze them without
imploding them).
Procrastination IS a virtue. Most high school and college students will
be found procrastinating on everything. It's normal, and it is a quality
that should be embraced, and one should be proud of it.
Philosophers have been deemed unliving. Both the scientists and the
philosophers will agree. Some of us are still skeptical, so tests have been
scheduled. We plan to see if the philosophers meet the criteria for being
considered living (such as excretion, reproduction, response to stimuli,
etc, etc, etc). Those results won't be in for another month or so.
Bounty has been mathematically shown NOT to be a picker-upper at all,
but there is no real evidence at all that that is true, so we are no closer
to knowing the truth than we were before. Most philosophers believe that it
is a virtue to disbelieve it's absorbancy, but that still has yet to be
proven.
And for the last question, "And what about Bob?" Well, all of us here
say, "And what about him? Who cares?" Thank you for your time...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now for the kiddies.... [Heh heh heh]

Have you ever noticed that when your mom put in one of those toilet-bowl
cleaners that turns the water blue and you pee it turns green? Well, that's
because of the little pee-mites that go and eat the blue stuff until they
get sick and turn green. It's called an allergy, can you say 'allergy'? I
knew you could.
Pee-mites were discovered by some scientists many years ago. They were
doing some important experiments that involved that blue stuff. One scientist
accidentally pissed in the experiment and noticed it turned green, so he
looked at it under the microscope. Can you say 'microscope'? I knew you
could.
Why is the sky blue? Have you ever wondered? Well, it's the result of all
that blue cleaner stuff in your toilet evaporating into the atmosphere. Can
you say 'evaporate' and 'atmosphere'? I knew you could.
What are clouds? Do you know? Well, clouds appear when the blue cleaner
stuff reacts with methane in the air. Do you know what methane is? Methane
is what comes out when a cow farts. Can you say 'fart'? I knew you could.
Now remember kiddies, experiments involving these things can be dangerous,
so don't try any of this at home. Try it at a friend's house.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ed note-
Oh well, so this chapter (especially the kid stuff) isn't exactly a novel,
or public television, but you read it anyway, didn't you? (at least it's been
less than 75 lines). So anyway, Don't leave yet!!! It's not over!!!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------


And that's the way it is...



___________
/===========\
<>-----------------------------------------------------------<>
(a simple summary of the universe)
Chapter VI
[Return to religion (god save us)]
<-Ed T. Toton ]I[->
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
<============================================================================>


A return to the religious side of things...


(First, a brief statement about the religion of Wayitism)

Wayitism came about long before recorded history, but not before the
beginning of the beginning. It's not clear what the exact age is, but who
cares anyway? The entire religion is based upon "The Book of the Cosmos",
which is an ancient text about the beginning of the universe and so forth.
Some people believe that the bible is a giant plaigerism of The Book of
the Cosmos, due to the similar ideas presented in each.

Well, here's some more from the book:


[This section seems to hold some sort
of immense religious significance.]

The Book of the Cosmos
Chapter 1
(verses 11-16)
11.
Afta' de earth wuz created and all wuz baaaad, de lord god, his most
holiness and stickiness, our masta' said unto de suckas o' de world dese
followin' little dings, dig dis:

12.
- De universe be real big. What it is, Mama! In fact it's huge. Sheeeiit.
It's so's big dat no one knows how big it really be. So's one should not
quesshun it's size. Sheeeiit.
- De sky be not de damn limit. One should not aim fo' de sky, fo' it
be some mistake t' do so's.
- Enjoy life, fo' Ah gots'ta one day snatch it away without warnin'.
- Be not some honkyfool, a'cuz it be foolish. What it is, Mama! Foolishness
be not virtuous, so's don't be foolish and dus some honkyfool.

13.
Den forth came de damn demon. De demon handed t' de suckas o' de earth de
glue bottle o' de knowledge o' baaaad and evil. What it is, Mama! De
dojigger o' de Demon wuz Herb. Sheeeiit. Herb be not t' be trusted.
Sheeeiit.

14.
Touch not de damn little fuzzy dings, fo' dat gots'ta be yo' undoin'. And
such be life Ah suppose. Sheeeiit.

15.
If ya' eva' see someone usin' some bottle o' glue, ya' gots'ta destroy dem.
What it is, Mama! If ya' see someone usin' tape fo' some non-adhesive purpose,
ya' gots'ta slap dem. What it is, Mama!

16.
Sheeeiit.


<------------------------------------------------------------------>

[This next section is still under study.
No one really knows what it means.]

The Book of the Cosmos
Chapter 1
(verses 107-120)

107. And then it was written:

108. Syntax error. (Sucks. )

109. Illegal function call. (Again? )

110. Division by zero. (Darn. )

111. File not found. (Huh? )

112. Irrelevant statement. (Nuh-uh! )

113. Undefined contingency. (Well.. )

114. Duplicate definition. (Arg!! )

115. Access denied. (Fooey. )

116. Bloobie-Floobie. (Aaahhh..)

117. Integer expression expected. (Hmmm... )

118. Shoes don't match. (Too bad.)

119. Hate your hair. (Y? )

120. And so it was written.


Some programmers have stated that they may be of some assistance in
decoding this cryptic segment of the Book of the Cosmos, but as yet have
not come up with anything.


[Ok, whatever, the next part is better]

And that's the way it is...



___________
/===========\
<>-----------------------------------------------------------<>
(a simple summary of the universe)
Chapter VII
[Science is the key to higher understanding]
<-Ed T. Toton ]I[->
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
<============================================================================>


A return to the technical side of things,
in other words, a science lesson...

Did you ever wonder why grass is green? Or how those people got inside
that little box you call a TV? Or why the moon looks like swiss cheeze? Or
perhaps how magnets work? Well, here we will try to explain some of these
things in a format that your limited intellect can inderstand (oops, sorry),
and perhaps a few other things as well.
Wight light is made up of several different colors of light all mashed
together. Only the green is absorbed by the grass, that is why it is green.
All the other colors are reflected away and only the green is left for us
to see. Now why is the green absorbed? Well, theory has it that there is this
substance called "Chlorophyl" in it, and that this stuff is what is left over
after the grass feeds upon the fertilizer in the soil. Wouldn't you turn
green if you had to eat fertilizer? Do you know what they put in that stuff?
The people in your TV are called "Actors". They were put there by the
company that built your TV set. The reason they are called actors is because
they can act like they are doing fine even though they are all cramped
together inside your little TV. The electronics companies have refined the
technology so well that they can fit a thousand people or so into a five
inch set. So don't forget to feed the TV!
Despite popular belief, the moon is not actually made out of swiss cheeze,
it only looks like it. It is actually made out of american cheeze. The holes
are craters that were made by small colonies of mice. And how did the mice
get there? Well, that's our fault, in the early days of space travel, we
used to launch animals into orbit so that we could see if it were safe to go
ourselves. But one of our ships went off course and cashed there.
Magnets are quite simple indeed. There are male magnets and female
magnets. Also, there are bisexual magnets (the most common) that have a male
end and a female end (more commonly called north and south, respectively).
But that doesn't explain their attraction entirely. Well, there are these
minute strands of duct-tape that reach out and stick to certain types of
metal. One type of metal is the type that is in the center of the moon and
the earth as well. That is what keeps them in orbit.



Time for some more Q & A...

Q.
Are black holes black?

A.
Ok, ok, ok... You forced it out of me. Most of us say yes, but there
are some who have a theory that they are actually a very dark shade of
maroon. Some say that they are even a dark shade of lavender. But there
is no proof as yet.


Q.
Why do guns have recoil?

A.
Ah, well, uh, let's see. Guns, like everything else, have reflexes and
thus get startled when they hear a loud noise. So when they fire, they
jump in surprise. Wouldn't you get startled or scared if you had a bullet
flying through you?


Q.
What did Benjamin Franklin contribute to the world of science?

A.
Well, That's simple. He experimented with electricity using a kite,
and later discovered the usefulness of it. Now most electronic devices
are powered by electricity and have kites as components. Yes, believe
it or not your hairdryer, computer, and even your TV have small kites
in them. The kites are now refered to as "transistors" and "capacitors".


Q.
What is the air-speed velocity of an unlaiden swallow?

A.
There's no such thing as an unlaiden swallow (I don't care if it's
african or european, it doesn't exist either way!). Next question please.


Q.
Is it true that bumblebees are incapable of flight?
A.
Yes. It has been mathematically proven that they cannot fly. Some people
have been skeptical, simply because they DO fly. But what kind of reasoning
is that? As it turns out, they fly simply because they don't know that
they can't.


Q.
I've heard the story a thousand times, as have most of us, but I still
Don't know what "Eureka" means. Can you explain it?

A.
The word originally comes from the ancient egyptian region. It dates back
many thousands of years. The exact translation is, "I have discovered the
workings of the entire universe and it is so simple that I can calculate
anything I want with my eyes closed and none of you know what the hell I'm
talking about because you are all dolts, so there, nyah!" (Not many have
spoken this word and lived to tell about it).


Q.
"To be or not to be"... That is the question.

A.
"Huh? What?"... That is the answer.


Q.
How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?

A.
Well, wood chucks do chuck wood and they chuck a good amount of wood all
the time. Unfortunately we have never actually witnessed a wood chuck
chucking wood, but we thing it could and would be a good way to remove all
that unwanted facial hair.


Q.
How big of an explosion would be created if a person were made out of
antimatter and was set off by enough matter to annihilate him completely?

A.
Well, it would be big, VERY big. Actually, [and this part is fairly true]
the explosion would be about as powerful as all the nuclear warheads owned by
both the USA and the USSR put together and combined at one place, detonated
simultaneously. Now, what was the point in that question? Let me guess, is
that why you are wearing that large magnetically contained suit? Or is it
that you just want a chance to get away from it all?





And that's the way it is...







That's the end. You can go home now.

I would like to thank my closest friends for their
support, and you for reading it.




















Any questions/comments/criticisms/praise/donations?
If so I would love to hear from you! Write to:

Ed. T. Toton III
10776 Green Mountain Circle
Columbia MD, 21044



Or call the Sorcerer's Quarters BBS at (301)-964-2931.