Category : Various Text files
Archive   : RAH9401.ZIP
Filename : RAH9401.TXT

______ __ __ __ ______
/ __ / / \ \ \ \ \ / _\/_ \
/ /_/ /andom / /\ \ccess \ \_\ \umor | |____| |
/ _ _/ / ____ \ \ __ \ \__ \____/
/ / \ \ / / \ \ \ \ \ \ |_\____|
/_/ \_\ /_/ \_\ \_\ \_\ |____|
--------------------------------------------------
The Electronic Humor Magazine
--------------------------------------------------
Version 1 Release 0 January 1994

Editor: Dave Bealer

Member of the Digital Publishing Association

Copyright 1994 Dave Bealer, All Rights Reserved

Printed on 100% recycled electrons

Random Access Humor is an irregular production of:

VaporWare Communications
32768 Infinite Loop
Sillycon Valley, CA. 80486-DX2
USA, Earth, Sol System, Milky Way


WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
The "look and feel" of Random Access Humor has been specifically
earmarked, spindled and polygraphed. Anyone who attempts to copy
this look and feel without express written consent of the publisher
will be fed to rabid radioactive hamsters by our Security Director,
Vinnie "The Knife" Calamari.


TABLE OF INCONTINENCE:
About Vaporware Communications.....................................01
Editorial - The Virtual Word.......................................01
Lettuce to the Editor..............................................02
1993 RAH Online Industry Awards....................................03
Programmer X.......................................................05
The Smallification Wars--Where Will It End?........................07
Were It Not For Computers..........................................08
Oasis of Greed.....................................................09
The Eliminator 2000................................................12
RAH Logo Design Contest Results....................................14
The Twit Filter: The Know-It/Done-It-All...........................16
RAH Humor Review: "Mrs. Doubtfire".................................17
Announcements......................................................17
Taglines Seen Around the Nets......................................18
Masthead - Submission Information.................................A-1
RAH Distribution System...........................................A-2

Random Access Humor Page 1 January 1994

About Vaporware Communications

VaporWare Communications is an operating division of VaporWare
Corporation, a public corporation. Stock Ticker Symbol: SUKR
VaporWare Corporate Officers:

Luther Lecks
President, Chief Egomaniac Officer

Dorian Debacle, M.B.A. Gabriel Escargot
V.P., Operations V.P., Customer Service

Pav Bhaji, M.Tax.(Avoidance) Carlos Goebbels
V.P., Finance V.P., Political Correctness

Kung Pao Har Hoo, M.D., Ph.D., D.Sc. F.A.C.S, C.P.A., S.P.C.A.,
Y.M.C.A., L.E.D., Q.E.D., op. cit., et al.
V.P., Research & Development
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Editorial - The Virtual Word
by Dave Bealer

Virtual reality promises to be the hottest technology of 1994. Don a
pair of goggles and a glove, and you can go anywhere the programmer's
warped imagination can take you. To jaded generations reared on
television and video games, virtual reality promises the next level
of instant gratification. Go anywhere; kill anyone or anything.

The real surprise is that this is nothing new. A special kind of
virtual reality has existed for centuries. It requires no programs,
no microprocessors, no rubber chickens, not even any electricity.
The components of this ancient virtual reality machine are the
written word and the human imagination.

This fact first occurred to me during my junior year of college. My
roommate had been in the U.S. Navy. He had been to many far corners
of the world that I will likely never see in person. Despite this,
he once claimed that I was more well travelled than he was. When
asked to support this preposterous claim, he pointed out that I was
always reading science fiction, fantasy and many other types of
novels (rather than doing my schoolwork, of course).

In a way my roommate was right. I've been to all manner of fantastic
places, met amazing people, seen incredible things. These tours
started at my convenience, proceeded at my own pace, and broke for
dinner when my mother called. These excursions were led by legendary
guides such as Edgar Rice Burroughs, Robert Heinlein, Anne McCaffrey,
Douglas Adams, and J.R.R. Tolkien.

My roommate was always too busy to read much fiction, although I've
never had the nerve to ask just what was going on over on his side of
the room. Whatever it was, not reading more fiction was his loss,
but his decision. Truly tragic are those folks who cannot read at
all, people whose illiteracy bars them forever from the joy, the
splendor of a well crafted story. These unfortunates can certainly

Random Access Humor Page 2 January 1994

watch movies or television, but even Hollywood's most spectacular and
expensive special effects pale in comparison to the power of the
written word and the human imagination.

Some elements of fiction can never be adequately represented on the
screen, whether the screen is big or small, real or virtual. For
instance, nobody could ever do complete justice to the scenes
involving the infinite improbability drive on the _Heart of Gold_ in
the _Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_ books. It just can't be done.

Computers and high-tech gadgetry promise to raise entertainment to
new levels, but we can't afford to forget how to read and interpret

stories (and information) ourselves. We laugh at science fiction
tales of computers taking over the world, but if we lose the ability
to think for ourselves they just may do it some day. If it really
happens, it will be far from funny.

As you read these words, rejoice in your ability to do so. They can
be your passport to any place on Earth, to the stars, and beyond. No
batteries or assembly required. {RAH}
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Lettuce to the Editor

Recent shenanigans on the RAHUSER Internet mailing list:

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subj: Hello!!

-> Hi [email protected]!
->
-> How'ya doin' Curtis 'ol pal? Welcome to Rahuser, there's 2 of us
-> so far.

Actually, there are seven users on three continents, not counting
myself (not counting myself as a user or a continent, although
there has been some disagreement about the latter). Sadly, your
friend Curtis is not among the users in this group - he mailed
his add request *to the group*, not the listserver. I sent him
private e-mail on the subject.

//Dave\\
- - - - - - - - - - - -
We want to hear from our readers! Get the same kind of respectful
answers to YOUR questions. Send your e-mail to:
Internet> [email protected]
FidoNet> Lettuce at 1:261/1129
You can also ask your questions in one (or both) of our two new RAH
reader conferences. Internet users can subscribe to our RAHUSER
mailing list (send e-mail to: [email protected] for instructions)
and FidoNet users can ask their sysops to obtain the new RAHUSER echo
from the RAH Publication BBS (1:261/1129).

Random Access Humor Page 3 January 1994

1993 RAH Online Industry Awards
by Dave Bealer

Since nobody sued us over last year's awards article, we'll
report on the insanity of yet another year online. Literally
minutes of intensive research have gone into making these the
fairest, most objectionable (er, objective) awards available
today. Tomorrow, who knows?


>> Vaporware of the Year <<

Pretty Good Privacy
Oh, you can find it, if you know whom to ask. The U.S.
government would like everyone to pretend that it was never
released. Especially to evil foreigners, whose mail will now
be much more difficult to read. Of course, they're not *too*
pleased about being unable to read the mail of their own
citizens either, but they can't admit that.


>> Worst Online Idea of the Year <<

Putting American Politicians Online
Just when you thought is was safe to turn on your modem, the
inane blatherings of your elected "representatives" are now
being made available, at taxpayer expense, online. The scary
part is that some of these people can't even navigate a car
all the way across a bridge, much less use a computer.


>> Best Shareware Software <<

PC-Right
This modern shareware word processor has a built in sensitivity
checker. It prevents the user from using words or phrases that
could conceivably offend any of the world's reactionary special
interest groups. Since what actually does offend these groups
often changes from hour to hour, PC-Right incorporates revolu-
tionary artificial intelligence precognition algorithms. Those
who register get a special quick-index card to the 47 English
words that they're still allowed to use.


>> Highest Pressure Marketing Department <<

America Online
Joining is like falling off a log; quitting is like falling out
of a plane without a parachute into a mine field.

Random Access Humor Page 4 January 1994

>> Most PC-Owning Town <<

Marlow, New Hampshire, USA
Virtually everyone in town owns a PC, and they all got them
through the employee discount program of PC Connection, the
hardware/software mail order vendor where they all work. This
is a real modern day "company town." PC Connection is also the
only racoon owned and operated business in New Hampshire.


>> Ebenezer Scrooge Memorial Award <<

Prodigy
In a never ending quest to separate people from more of their
money, Prodigy switched from a fixed rate access charge structure
to hourly charges. The next software upgrade should provide
billing by the picosecond.


>> Best Hardware Innovation <<

Ryxel-Leamington Portable Combo
28.8 Cellular/Satellite FAX/Modem - Electric Toothbrush
The result of one of those cross-industry mergers, this little gem
allows you to keep in touch with your favorite online system from
literally anywhere Earth while keeping your teeth clean and bright.


>> The Lowest Standard <<

RIPOFF Graphics
The graphics standard which the online world has (for some
inexplicable reason) welcomed with open arms. Using CGA emulation,
this one is sure to be a favorite with optometrists around the world.


>> Online System of the Year <<

UFO Reality
This system runs on actual alien hardware taken from a flying saucer
that crash-landed in the Mojave Desert in Southern California. It
turns out that they crash there all the time, and that this explains
the "earthquakes" that plague the area. If you want to try this
system out, you'll need special front-end hardware and software
capable of communicating directly through the atmosphere using the
harmonic resonance of helium atoms. The hardware is readily avail-
able through mail-order science supply houses. Vendors have promised
front-end software for OS/2 and Windows NT for delivery next year.
So far the software is only available for CP/M and OS9. {RAH}
--------------
Dave Bealer is a thirty-something mainframe systems programmer who
works with CICS, MVS and all manner of nasty acronyms at one of the
largest heavy metal shops on the East Coast. He shares a waterfront
townhome in Pasadena, MD. with two cats who annoy him endlessly as he
writes and electronically publishes RAH. FidoNet> 1:261/1129
Internet: [email protected]

Random Access Humor Page 5 January 1994

Programmer X
by Greg Borek

Mr. Noodle, I'm glad you could meet me for lunch.

Well, Jenkins, I always have time for my managers. Besides, you made
it sound very important. What's so urgent?

Now that I have had time to think about it the matter I wanted to
discuss seems to lose some of its urgency. But the issue is still
important enough to bring to your attention.

Why a lunch meeting? Why not just bring this up at the manager's
weekly meeting?

I thought you should hear about this yourself first, away from the
office. I wanted to discuss one of my programmers, Franklin.

Franklin? One of my star employees. Excellent programmer, good
fellow, salt of the earth. Wins all kinds of productivity awards,
doesn't he? What about him?

I know he writes clear, concise, I dare say perfect code. Always
gets his work in on time, exactly to specification. Yes, he's a
wonderful employee, but have you ever actually met him?

Well, no, but he works the night shift, doesn't he?

That's what I wanted to talk to you about. Franklin is in my
department, and I felt that it was about time to meet him face to
face. Whenever I would send him e-mail to set up a meeting, he
always came up with a last minute excuse. I accepted his excuses
initially, but they became too regular, then too contrived. When I
asked his immediate supervisor, I was surprised to find out that he
has never met Franklin either. As a matter of fact, no one has.

How can that be? Some one must have hired him.

Apparently everyone thought someone else had recruited, interviewed,
and hired him. Curious, I wanted to investigate his personal life.

Why? That's a bit irregular, isn't it? Maybe he's just eccentric,
a hermit or something. As long as his work is excellent, I don't
think we should bother him. Hm. You don't suppose one of the other
employees is acting like a programmer?

No, I thought of that. They are all too busy with their own work,
and besides no one else has his genius for clarity. I thought I
might see him on payday when he picks up his paycheck, but he has
direct deposit. I decided I would drop in on him at home. I got his
address from personnel and visited his apartment building. I asked
the apartment manager about Franklin and he said that he has never
met him in person, that all of their business is conducted over the
telephone. Although he never met him personally, Franklin's an
excellent tenant: quiet, always pays the rent on time, no complaints.

Random Access Humor Page 6 January 1994

The manager didn't think it was odd no one ever saw Franklin because
of the hours he keeps. When I went to the apartment, you'll be
amazed at what I found.

What?

Absolutely nothing. The apartment is just a front. I resolved to
get to the bottom of this by surprising Franklin at the office. I
decided I would come in at night unannounced and confront him. I
came in one night and waited. He never showed. Of course, he may
have been sick. The thing is the next day, his work was done and he
had e-mailed several people during that time.

Could he be remotely accessing our computers?

Not possible, sir. The security we have set up doesn't allow access
from outside the building. I decided to go back the next night and
search the building for him. When I couldn't find him, I decided to
get drastic. Since no one else was in the building, I went outside
and turned on the alarms. If he was anywhere in the building he
would set off the motion detectors.

Did he?

No. Sir, what I am going to tell you may sound fantastic but it can
be the only explanation. Your star employee doesn't exist.

What? That is ridiculous. Someone has to be writing his code.

No sir, after careful study of network activity logs, computer CPU
usage, security files, and Christmas party attendance sheets, I can
only conclude that what we have here is a virtual employee.

A what?

Although Mr. Franklin is one of our best and most productive
employees, he is actually nothing more than a computer program that
is masquerading as a person. This is the only conclusion that can be
drawn after studying all of the facts.

What do you propose we do?

Absolutely nothing. {RAH}
--------------
Greg Borek is a C programmer with a "Highway Helper" (OK, "Beltway
Bandit" - but don't tell his boss we told you) in Falls Church, VA.
He has previously been mistaken for a vampire. Netmail to: Greg
Borek at 1:261/1129. Internet: [email protected]
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Real Programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real programmers are
around at 9 AM, it's because they were up all night.

Real Programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers
write in BASIC, at least after the age of 12.

Random Access Humor Page 7 January 1994

The Smallification Wars--Where Will It End?
by Jerry Weichbrodt

In the beginning there was ARC, and then there were PKARC, LHARC,
DWC, PAK, ARJ, PKZIP, .... We all found ourselves combing the boards
just trying to find the archiver to un-xxx (fill in your favorite
archive suffix above) that terrific new utility we just downloaded
from Joe Blow's BBS. Of course most of these folks wanted money for
their latest-and-greatest (for this week anyway) archiver, so we
walked around with guilt-ridden souls if we hadn't invested the
customary $500 in archivers for all occasions. After all, the
archiver of choice for a particular set of files really does depend
on the phase of the moon, the 10.7 cm solar flux, the barometric
pressure, and your horoscope, doesn't it?

Ok, I guess I had myself all reconciled to this state of affairs.
After all, everybody wants to make a buck, so the invention of the
1,850th iteration of the mouse trap is just the American way. And
then ... there was PKZIP version 2.04C. And then there was PKZIP
version 2.04E. And then there was PKZIP version 2.04G. And then
.... Well, I thought it would be fun to contemplate just where it
might all wind up. Try this on for size, if you would:

PRESS RELEASE

PKZIP VERSION 2.04Z

THE ULTIMATE IN COMPRESSION SOFTWARE

Features:
-Multiple archives in one cluster: Why waste an entire
512, 1024, or up to 4096 bytes on one single file.
PKZIP 2.04Z packs multiple zip-files into one cluster
with PKWARE's new ZleepingBag (TM) technology, the
best way ever to bag your zip-files.
-New Something-to-Nothing File Fractionalization (SNUFF)
compression algorithm reduces entire archive into one
VERY informative byte*.
-New -gbg (garble-but-good) option generates random passwords
for encrypted archives. Nobody, but nobody, will be able
to break into your secure data. Just try to unzip the
file yourself, and see how well it works!!
-New PKSFD option for creating self-deleting archives.
This takes the "This tape will self-destruct in five
seconds" concept one step further, applying it to the
space-age realm of computers.
-New -dm (delete-before-move) option deletes files from
disk and then moves them to the archive. This ensures
that archived files take up the smallest possible space
(zero bytes).

Random Access Humor Page 8 January 1994

With this host of new options, can you afford to be without
PKZIP version 2.04Z! Order your copy today and unclutter your
hard drive with PKWARE's new PKUHDR (PK Unconditional Hard Disk
Reformat) utility, included as a special bonus.

*Note: The new SNUFF algorithm is available in PKZIP but is
not supported in PKUNZIP. It is intended to be analogous with
the popular WOM (Write-Only-Memory) integrated circuit chip.



I'm going to order my copy today. How about you? {RAH}
--------------
Jerry Weichbrodt is an electrical engineer with General Motors in
Milford, Michigan. He's also a new father, so a sense of humor
is particularly important to him. His Internet address is:
[email protected]
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Were It Not For Computers
by Tim Casady

Ever notice how fellow employees often depend heavily on computers?
Everytime they lose your paycheck or haven't finished the work that
they swore on an electronic Bible they'd have completed a week ago,
they turn to the trusty computer and say, "It's the computer's
fault." This is a foolproof scheme used by fools. They don't even
need to know how to operate the computer. They just have to learn
the fine skills of pointing their index finger at their computer and
blaming it, knowing darned well that the computer will not speak up
in its own defense. This leads one to wonder: what would these same
employees do had computers never been invented?
***
disgruntled employee: It's pay day. What do you mean you can't give
me my paycheck until next week?
payroll officer: We're very sorry, but the waste paper basket deleted
it.
***
angry supervisor: Don't just sit there staring off into space. Get
back to work.
accountant: But I can't do any work right now, sir. My pencil is out
of order.
***
annoyed supervisor: Where are those files I said to put on my desk?
secretary: I can't get at them. The file cabinet is malfunctioning,
and the repairman won't be here until this afternoon.
***
executive manager: You were found making out with secretary in your
office. What do you have to say to yourself?
middle-level manager: Ummmmmmm.... I was down for maintenance? {RAH}
--------------
Tim Casady spends his work days not writing about undocumented
features in software programs. After work, he likes to do some
martial arts. Either it brings him inner peace, or else there is
something innately satisfying about kicking things after working with
computers for eight hours straight. If you feel like just leaving
him alone, then don't contact him at [email protected].

Random Access Humor Page 9 January 1994

Oasis of Greed
by Dave Bealer and Greg Borek

Last November two members of RAH's intrepid editorial staff journeyed
to the high desert of southern Nevada. We went there to engage in
statistical research. The statistical theories we were there to test
mainly involved cards, dice, and roulette wheels.

THE BEST LAID PLANS

The trip had been planned several months in advance. Our primary
concern had been to avoid being in Las Vegas while COMDEX was in
session. After all, what possible interest could the world's largest
computer trade show hold for a pair of programmer/journalists?

Truthfully, being misanthropes, our main desire was to avoid crowds
(read: people) as much as possible. We knew that a couple of new
hotels would be opening just a week before our arrival, but this
didn't appear to be a big problem. Most of the resulting crowds
would be focused on the newcomers themselves. All we had to do was
avoid them like the plague and we would be OK.

Imagine our chagrin when we found out that there was going to be a
Heavyweight Championship fight in Vegas on the last day of our three
day trip? This little bombshell was dropped on us at the airport as
we waited for our flight to Vegas. Of course it was far too late to
cancel or reschedule the trip.

GETTING THERE IS HALF THE FUN

Our Cattle Car Airways flight was non-stop and, surprisingly, not
full. Five hours in an upholstered aluminum can hurtling through
space is never a picnic, especially given the usually lousy food.
Greg managed to sleep part of the way (despite having the twit in
the seat in front of him reclined into his lap), Dave did not.

We landed at McCarran International just after midnight on Thursday
morning. Despite the time, the airport was mobbed. Despite the
crowds, guards insisted on inspecting the claim tickets for every
piece of checked baggage. Then we had the pleasure of waiting in
line at the rental car counter.

Finally we collected our assigned hunk of cheesy Detroit craftsman-
ship and headed for the hotel. We stayed at the Rio Suite Hotel and
Casino, a very nice place off the Strip. Although called suites, the
Rio features what are really just large rooms. The living room and
bedroom are combined into a large common area. It turns out that
there is a small window in the shower at head level that looks out

into the bedroom/living room area. This is a unique architectural
feature that neither of us had seen before, in a hotel or any other
kind of room. Maybe we've just lead sheltered lives.

Random Access Humor Page 10 January 1994

A RESTFUL VACATION

Since we would be in Las Vegas for less than 72 hours, we decided to
make the most of our time by sleeping as little as possible. This
wasn't too difficult the first night since we were all wound up from
the flight. It became increasingly difficult to stay awake as the
days wore on, so we did lose some time that could have been spent
gambling.

We split up during most of the first two days, since (although not
superstitious) we each feel the other has an adverse effect on our
luck while gambling. At night we would get together for dinner and
discuss our triumphs of the day.

On Thursday night we saw Lance Burton's magic show at the Hacienda.
Lance's six-pack of beautiful assistants were the highlight of the
show for us. We attended the late show since we had it on good
authority that during that show his assistants perform topless. It's
truly amazing what you can learn by lurking in the FidoNet LV_GAMBLER
echo.

THE STEALTH HOTEL

Between the Hacienda and the Excalibur is the new Luxor Hotel and
Casino. The Luxor is a huge pyramid which has been painted flat
black. In the daylight it looks fascinating, especially sitting next
to the medieval castle shaped Excalibur. At night the effect is
remarkable. Rather than throw lights directly at the side of the
building, as with all the other hotels on the Strip, the Luxor
supports a single powerful beacon of light at the pinnacle of the
pyramid.

The effect is that the pyramid itself vanishes. Only the beacon can
be seen. The side facing the Strip is illuminated by all the lights
hitting the Sphinx which forms the lobby. Seen from the other three
sides at night, the Luxor is like a stealth hotel. The only way you
can tell there is a building there is the fact that you can't see
anything behind the Luxor. There's also the matter of this powerful
beacon which can be seen for miles, and appears to be hanging in
midair.

Even more fascinating is the interior of the Luxor. In a design that
had to be inspired by Rube Goldberg, the entire outer surface is
taken up by windows to the 2500+ hotel rooms. Each room therefore
has one diagonal wall which contains a window. Each level of hotel
rooms has it's own corridor. The levels are connected by elevators
which move diagonally. (No, we didn't actually see these elevators
ourselves. But it's the only reasonable way the hotel room levels
could be connected in a building of this shape. Besides, someone
told us that's how they work.) The center of the building holds
offices, restaurants, machinery, and the casino. Suffice it to say
we're seriously considering staying at the Luxor next time we travel
to Las Vegas. We may even take some dead batteries along and leave
them in the room to recharge.

Random Access Humor Page 11 January 1994

THE REAL LAS VEGAS

One refreshing thing about Las Vegas is that it doesn't pretend to be
anything other than what it is. Many of the casinos, especially ones
off the Strip, advertise special deals for those who cash their
paychecks at the casino cage. These free drinks, free lunches (or
whatever) are good deals for those who don't gamble. Of course, how
many die hard non-gamblers are going to venture into a casino to cash
their paycheck just to get a free drink?

Since Dave is asthmatic, he looks for a no-smoking gambling
environment whenever possible. His favorite place is therefore
Silver City, a small casino just south of the Riviera on the Strip.
The entire Silver City building is no smoking all the time. The
antithesis of this is Arizona Charlie's, where they actually have a
tray of free cigarettes at each blackjack table.

THE FIGHT CARD

In addition to the new hotels and the Hollyfield-Bowe fight, there
was also a massive convention going on during the first two days of
our stay. The Strip was therefore gridlocked the whole time we were
there. The location of the Rio, behind Caesars at I-15 and Flamingo
Ave., turned into a major asset. We were able to use the interstate
to avoid travelling on the Strip except when our destination was on
the Strip. Even then we could get close to our destination before
descending into the gridlock.

As with most major American sporting events these days, there was a
blimp in attendance for the Heavyweight fight. Almost everyone has
a blimp these days. We had never seen the Trojan blimp before, but
it does have a certain logic to it, given the product - and the town.
A chance to watch the Trojan blimp enter the hangar always draws a
big crowd, usually of envious Democratic legislators.

On Saturday, the actual day of the fight, we left town and trekked
out across the high desert to the Arizona border. Neither of us had
seen Hoover Dam before, and it's quite impressive. Even more
impressive is the utter desolation of the area around the dam. Only
the small town of Boulder City and the vacation castles of the
wealthy overlooking Lake Meade break up the starkly beautiful
terrain. After a while you find yourself expecting the "Man With No
Name" to come riding over the horizon. Of course he's hanging out in
Carmel these days.

On the way back to Vegas we stopped off at the world famous Ethel M
chocolate factory in Henderson. Our legendary tracking skills had
failed us and we couldn't locate any of the dozens of Ethel M
locations in hotel lobbies on the Strip. Furthermore we're both
extremely cheap, and figured to get better prices at the factory
outlet store.

Random Access Humor Page 12 January 1994

THE FINAL INSULT

Finally it was time to get cleaned up, check out of the hotel, and
head back to the airport. The rental car company managed to rip Dave
off to the tune of $25 for a half-tank of gasoline with their
misleading refueling policy. We won't mention the name of the
company, but suffice it to say that no matter how much "harder they
try," they'll never get our business again.

The final insult was the fact that the prices at the Ethel M store in
the airport are EXACTLY THE SAME as at the factory outlet store. In
fact, by making our purchase at the factory, we were cheated out of
the free four-pack of Almond Krisps that the airport store was giving
out with each purchase of $15 or more. We each spent more than that.

We actually made it home with our bodies intact, if not our minds.
No parachutist landed on top of either of us during the trip. Of
course, if the parachutist had been one of Lance Burton's assistants,
we wouldn't really have minded. {RAH}
---------------------------------------------------------------------
ATTENTION BULLETIN BOARD SYSOPS:

Tired of those annoying breakins?

Had it up to HERE with people hacking your board?

Has your user account been stolen by some little dweebot that
cracked your system so many times you need a Cray to keep count?

Then you need . . .

The ELIMINATOR 2000 (tm), (c), (r)!

Yes, that's right . . . The ELIMINATOR 2000!

The Eliminator 2000 is a revolutionary device, about the size of a
small sports complex, brought to you by the makers of the Nuclear
Powered Potato Peeler, the Spam Fork, the 2-ton Potato Masher and the
Apathetic Grenade. Just insert the custom controller card into your
BBS computer, after reading the clear and concise 2,500 page randomly
numbered instruction manual written in Swahili, and the Eliminator
2000 is ready to protect your system. Its patented nuclear core
keeps your system operational and secure for approximately 1200
years.

At the slightest indication of a hacker attempting to break into your
BBS, the Eliminator 2000 snaps into action. After making a snapping
noise it traces the call to find out the location of the villain
(Note: only in areas that support CALLER ID). Then, upon discovering
the intruder's location, the Eliminator 2000 feeds the navigational
data into an internal ICBM with a modest nuclear warhead. The ICBM
is launched and system security is assured mere moments later when
the missile bathes the rapscallion with the soothing rays of a 5
kiloton nuclear explosion.

Random Access Humor Page 13 January 1994

Thus our credo, which should be your credo:

"The only good hacker is an irradiated hacker."

If your area does not support Caller Id then the Eliminator 2000
takes the following actions:

1. It launches a 5 kiloton warhead anyway (in a random direction
ensuring that wherever it explodes there won't be anyone there
that could *ever* think of hacking your board).

2. The Eliminator 2000 will protect the security of your data by
sending a pulse of 3 trillion volts through your serial port,
melting all computer components (not to mention the desk it rests
on) into a multi-colored river of molten slag, assuring that the
hacker cannot get anything out of your BBS.

If you purchase the Ernie Molding attachment, when the slag cools, it
will press your BBS remains into an attractive paperweight.

Comes is five attractive colors.

Rush out and order your Eliminator 2000 today!

Price: $2,045.92
Ernie Molding Attachment: $1,095,762,032,172.57

Furnished with four 5 kiloton ICBMs at no additional charge.

* Does not work under any version of DOS above 1.2, Windows (like
anything does?) and Windows/NT.

Send cash, check or money order to:

Oppenheimer Industries
RD1 Box1a
Los Alamos, New Mexico 87544

Makes a great gift for that sysop who is so hard to shop for. {RAH}
--------------
Vincent B. Navarino is some wacko from Monroe, NY, and the SysOp of
The Particle Board III BBS (FidoNet 1:272/60). After finally being
released from a local psychiatric center, he seeks out captive
Twinkies in order to release them back into the wild. Sometimes he
falls to his knees and sobs uncontrollably for no apparent reason.
Rumor has it he has not kissed a girl in over two years.
(Editor's note: Vincent didn't actually write the preceding
advertisement. We just thought you'd like to know this stuff.)
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Real computer scientists love the concept of users. Users are always
real impressed by the stuff computer scientists are talking about;
it sure sounds better than the stuff they are being forced to use
now.

Random Access Humor Page 14 January 1994

RAH Logo Design Contest Results
by Dave Bealer

You've already seen the winner on the cover of this issue, but here
are all the gory details. Apparently I set a difficult task with
this contest, because only five official entries were received. The
winner is:

Kelly Price of Severn, Maryland. Kelly's entry follows:
______ __ __ __ ______
/ __ / / \ \ \ \ \ / _\/_ \
/ /_/ /andom / /\ \ccess \ \_\ \umor | |____| |
/ _ _/ / ____ \ \ __ \ \__ \____/
/ / \ \ / / \ \ \ \ \ \ |_\____|
/_/ \_\ /_/ \_\ \_\ \_\ |____|

For his winning entry, Kelly will receive an AT&T Dataport
14.4 External FAX/Modem.

The other entrants, all of whom will receive a free copy of the
"Best of RAH" Electronic Book as soon as it becomes available, are
(listed in the order the entries were received):

Ralph Blanchette of Clinton Corners, New York:

o o o o o o o , '.
o , .
HAHAHAHAHAHA AHAH AHAH o`,AH
AHA HAH HAHAHA HAH ` o HA H
AHA HAH AHA HAH HAH A AHA
AHAHAHAHAHA HAH AHA HAHA o'AHAHA A
AHA HAH AHAHAHAHAHAH HAH `H AHA
HAHA AHAH HAH AHA AHAH ,Aoo AHAH
oooHoo...
* R A n D o M * A c C e s S * H u m o R -*-(_(`;

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Kees Van Duyne of Den Haag, Holland:

_\|||||||/_
= ~ ~ =
(: (o) (o) 🙂
( ^ )
( ___ )
( (___) )
___((()_____________()))____
RRRRRRR AA HH HH
RR RR AAAA HH HH
RRRRRRR AA AA HHHHHHHH
RR RR AA AA AA HH HH
RR RR AA AA HH HH
----------------------------
(c) 1993 Random Access Humor

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Random Access Humor Page 15 January 1994

Isaac Salpeter of Pensacola, Florida

Random Access Humor Random Access Humor Random Access Humor
Humo ccess Humor ccess Humo andom cess
Acce Humor ndom Acce Humor ndom Acce Humor ndom
Rand----------Humor Rand-----------umor Rand-----------umor
Acce Humor ndom Acce Humor ndom Acce Humor ndom
Humo andom cess Humo andom cess Humo andom cess
Random Access Humor Random Access Humor Random Access Humor
-----------------------------------------------------------
We buy the jokes wholesale, and pass the savings on to you!
-----------------------------------------------------------

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Giuliano Maciocci Jr. of Harare, Zimbabwe
(Ed. note: Giuliano was the only entrant who took advantage of the
fact there was no restriction on the number of entries to the
contest. The following are his most interesting efforts.)

________________________
| \__ (O)(O)
| Random Access Humour ___\ / \
\_______________________| / |
/ \ |
// ________ / /\__/
// _ / \ / /
/ \ / ____ \_/ /
//\ \ / / \ / //
V \ \/ / // \ /
\___/ \_____/

*********************************************************************
________ ________
| \ \ |-^-| \ \ | (Ed. note: I'm not sure
| \ \| | \ \| what this has to do with
`.____.' `.____.' RAH, but it looks cool.)

@@ @@
@@@@@ @@@@@
@@@@@@@@@@@@@

*********************************************************************
########
############### \\
####################
####################### )) _______________
.-~########################-._ | *Random* | ))
.-~ ######################### ~-.__ | **Access** |
.-~ o ######################## ~-| ***Humour*** |
@_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _##################### )) |_______________| ))
''' ''' Oo Oo
*********************************************************************
Random Access Humor Page 16 January 1994

___________________ _ _
/\ |\__/| .~ ~. ))
\_| RANDOM /O O `./ .'
| ACCESS {o__, \ {
| HUMOUR / . . ) \
| _______________`-` '-' \ } ))
\_/_____________ .( _( )_.'
'---.~_ _ _|

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
All in all, an interesting collection. Even this small response
clearly indicates RAH's international appeal. The five entrants
reside on three different continents. {RAH}
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The Twit Filter: The Know-It/Done-It-All
by Dave Bealer

This loathsome creature is common throughout human society, though
they seem to occur most frequently near universities, government
buildings, and computer centers.

Everyone knows the type: if you have a 3.96 GPA, the Know-It/Done-It-
All (KIDIA) has a 3.98. If you've climbed Mount Everest, the KIDIA
climbed it backwards walking on his hands, and set a new record time
in the process, of course. If you coded the current Data Structures
lab assignment in three days using 71 lines of C code, the KIDIA
coded it in two hours using 674 bytes of binary machine code. When
asked to produce proof of these astonishing feats, the KIDIA hems and
haws. Now is not the right time for such disclosures. Eventually it
becomes clear that there will never be a right time.

Particularly dangerous online, the KIDIA knows the extreme difficulty
of asking for proof of any fantastic claims. The KIDIA always has
the fastest CPU, the biggest hard drive, the fastest modem, the most
efficiently configured WINDOWS.INI settings, and all the newest whiz-
bang peripherals. For some reason simply possessing these things
isn't good enough for the KIDIA. She has to remind everyone that she
has them in at least one post every day.

There are only three options to choose from when confronted with a
KIDIA:

1) Kill yourself. Sure, this solves your problem, but what about
the rest of us?

2) Kill the KIDIA. Actually the ideal solution, although you may
have to spend a couple of weeks in jail. (Applies to the United
States only. This solution is NOT recommended in countries that
actually punish people for murder and other violent crimes.)

3) Put the KIDIA in your twit filter. Probably the best solution,
at least in countries where option 2 is not viable. It can even
be effective in the U.S. There's nothing KIDIAs hate more than
the thought that people are ignoring them. {RAH}

Random Access Humor Page 17 January 1994

RAH Humor Review: "Mrs. Doubtfire"
by Ray Koziel

"Mrs. Doubtfire" could be considered the "Tootsie" of the '90s. It
stars Robin William who is in good form as Daniel Hillard, a ne'er-
do-well actor/impersonator. His casual, devil-may-care attitude
toward life is in complete contrast with his wife, Miranda (played by
Sally Field). As a consultant for a design firm, her life has become
organized and hectic. The antics of her husband have become too much
for her and she files for a divorce. Currently without a job and an
apartment, Daniel is only allowed to see his three children on
Saturdays. Not satisfied with this, Daniel seeks whatever means
necessary to see his kids. Then, when he learns that Miranda is
looking for a housekeeper to watch the kids after school, he is
struck with a wonderful idea. With the help of his brother who is an
expert in makeup, Daniel puts his acting skills to the test and Mrs.
Doubtfire is born - a loving old lady from England. Mrs. Doubtfire
arrives on the scene just in time, as Miranda's new client turns out
to be an old flame (played by Pierce Bronson) looking to spark things
again.

"Mrs. Doubtfire" is very entertaining and enjoyable. Robin Williams
plays his part very well and has some excellent lines. Of course
there are a couple of the standard "switcheroo scenes" where Williams
must change in and out of costume in order to convince people Daniel
Hillard and Mrs. Doubtfire are two different people. All in all,
"Mrs. Doubtfire" was well done, breathing new life in an old gag.
-------------- {RAH}
Ray Koziel is a systems programmer/analyst for a consulting firm in
Atlanta. Since Ray has started contributing to RAH, his wife has
become more at ease now that he has a new target for his weird sense
of humor.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Announcements and Observations

CORRECTION: The name of Pablo Bianucci, the author of the article
"The Truth About Data Compression," was misspelled in the December
1993 RAH issue. We apologize for the error.
- - -
Due to copyright ownership concerns, RAH will no longer publish song
parodies. Do not submit such parodies, they will only be rejected.
- - -
In the best tradition of vaporware, the publication date for the
"Best of RAH" hypertext book has again slipped. The new expected
publication date is February 1, 1994. There is even some hope that
this date can be met, since some work has actually been done, unlike
when previous dates have been set.
- - -
In the "too much time on their hands" department, a RAH staff member
recently saw part of a televised graduate school course. This TV
University lecture was part of a course leading to a Masters degree
in Library Science. By the time the staff member fell asleep, it
was quite clear that the professor was going to spend an entire hour
lecturing about library catalog cards. And they say education is
dead.

Random Access Humor Page 18 January 1994

--- Taglines Seen Around the Nets

If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.

If it ain't broke yet, let me have a shot at it.

I'm being held prisoner in a chocolate factory. Don't send help.

Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?

9 out of 10 rotweilers prefer Jehovah's Witnesses.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.

Failure is not in falling down, but in staying down.

I shot JFK, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.

I love my country but I fear my government.

I escaped from a political correction facility.

I hit the CRTL key but I'm still not in control!

ONLINE? Hit for a quick I.Q. Test.

I am Mr. T of Borg. I pity da fool that resists me.

Of course I'm sane. The voices said so.

I don't see you, so don't pretend to be there.

Welcome to Earth - 75% water, 25% malls

PMS is a vicious cycle!

Nice underwear. Perhaps you should take them off your head.

I am Clinton of Borg. Your paycheck will be assimilated.

Women do come with instructions, ask them!

Well, to be Frank, I'd have to change my name.

They made us eat porridge. It was a gruelling experience.

I'm a writer. Prohibited by statute from having money.

You're gonna hurt all three of my feelings!

Tuesday is Human Sacrifice Day at the Sizzler - Tom Servo

Random Access Humor Page 19 January 1994

...just when I had you wriggling in the crushing grip of reason, too.

Two silkworms were having a race, but it ended in a tie.

A miser is someone who earns his money the hoard way.

You are in a maze of twisty little BBS menus, all alike...

If it can't be fixed with Vise-Grips & duct tape, it can't be fixed.

Rap is to music as the Etch-A-Sketch is to art.

It would never work. I'm Aquarius and you're ridiculous.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Mary had a little RAM, its bits were white as snow.

Member of PETA - People for the Eating of Tasty Animals

I just had a mental breakdown. Got any jumper cables?

Anger is a wind that blows out the lamp of the mind.

The longer a man is wrong, the surer he is that he's right.

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.

Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.

Do the words 'act of war' mean anything to you?

Klingon Prime Directive: If it moves, shoot it.


Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy?

I live in a quiet neighborhood - they use silencers.

A bird in the hand doesn't count in poker.

I! Finally! Figured! Out! How! To! Punctuate! Kirk's! Sentences!

What is a sysop and why would I want to Yell at it?

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!

I threw caution to the wind. The wind threw it back.

"Ensign Fodder, report to transporter for away team duty."

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Random Access Humor Page A-1 January 1994

Random Access Humor Masthead:

Editor & Publisher: Dave Bealer

Associate Editor: Greg Borek

Contributing Editors: Ray Koziel

Logo Design: Kelly Price

Contact: The Puffin's Nest BBS
FidoNet: 1:261/1129 (1200-14400/V.32bis)
BBS: (410) 437-3463 (1200-16800/HST)
Internet: [email protected]
[email protected]

Regular Mail: (Only if you have no other way to reach us!)
Random Access Humor
c/o Dave Bealer
P.O. Box 595
Pasadena, MD. 21122 USA

>> Legal Junk <<

Random Access Humor (RAH) is published ten times a year (September -
June) by Dave Bealer as a disservice to the online community.
Although the publisher's BBS may be a part of one or more networks at
any time, RAH is not affiliated with any BBS network or online
service. RAH is a compilation of individual articles contributed by
their authors. The contribution of articles to this compilation does
not diminish the rights of the authors. The opinions expressed in
RAH are those of the authors and are not necessarily those of the
publisher.

This entire publication is a work of satire (except for these legal
bits here). If anyone takes offense to something published herein,
the fault (a lack of a sense of humor) lies with them and not with
the magazine. The editors and publisher will not be held responsible
for the use or misuse of any information contained in this magazine.

Random Access Humor is Copyright 1994 Dave Bealer. All Rights
Reserved. Duplication and/or distribution is permitted for non-
commercial purposes only. RAH may not be distributed on diskette or
in hardcopy form for a fee without express written permission from the
publisher. For any other use, contact the publisher.

RAH may only be distributed in unaltered form. Online systems whose
users cannot access the original binary archive file may offer it for
viewing or download in text format, provided the original text is not
modified. Readers may produce hard copies of RAH or backup copies on
diskette for their own personal use only. RAH may not be distributed
in combination with any other publication or product.

Many of the brands and products mentioned in RAH are trademarks of
their respective owners.

Random Access Humor Page A-2 January 1994

>> Where to Get RAH <<

Copies of the current issue of RAH may be obtained by manual download
or Wazoo/EMSI File Request from The Puffin's Nest BBS (FREQ: RAH), or
from various sites in several BBS networks. Back issues of RAH may
be obtained by download or file request from The Puffin's Nest BBS.

Internet users may obtain RAH back issues as UUENCODED files attached
to e-mail. Free subscriptions are also available via mailing lists.
For more info, send an e-mail message to: [email protected]
The subject line and body can contain anything or be blank.

>> Writing For RAH <<

Article contributions to RAH are always welcome. All submissions
must be made electronically. File attach your article to a netmail
message to Dave Bealer at 1:261/1129. E-mail (with file attaches)
may also be sent via Internet to: [email protected]

Tagline and filler submissions may be made via e-mail. Article
submissions should be made via file. Submitted files must be plain
ASCII text files in normal MS-DOS file format: artname.RAH; where
artname is a descriptive file name and RAH is the mandatory
extension. If your article does not conform to these simple specs,
it may get lost or trashed. Also note that such imaginative names as
RAH.RAH might get overlaid by the blatherings of similarly minded
contributors. If your hardware is incapable of producing file names
in the proper format, you may send your article as one or more e-mail
messages. As the volume of mail increases it may not be possible to
make personalized responses to all submissions or correspondence
received.

The editors reserve the right to publish or not to publish any
submission as/when they see fit. The editors also reserve the right
to "edit", or modify any submission prior to publication. This last
right will rarely be used, typically only to correct spelling or
grammar misteaks that are not funny. RAH is a PG rated publication,
so keep it (mostly) clean.

RAH can accept only the following types of material for publication:
1) Any material in the public domain.
2) Material for which you own the copyright, or represent the copy-
right holder. If you wrote it yourself, you are automatically the
copyright holder.

In writing jargon, RAH is deemed to be given "One Time Rights" to
anything submitted for publication unless otherwise noted in the
message accompanying the contribution. You still own the material,
and RAH will make no use of the material other than publishing it
electronically in the usual manner. Your article may be selected for
publication in a planned "Best of RAH" electronic book. If you want
your copyright notice to appear in your article, place it as desired
in the text you submit. Previously published articles may be
submitted, but proper acknowledgement must be included: periodical
name, date of previous publication.

Random Access Humor Page A-3 January 1994

RAH Distribution System:
(Sites bearing the designation will accept your
contributions and forward them to the editors.)
(All these systems would be good places to find sysops with a sense
of humor...seemingly a rarity these days.)

The Puffin's Nest Pasadena, MD. Sysop: Dave Bealer
FidoNet> 1:261/1129 (410) 437-3463 16800 (HST/Dual)

Current RAH Issue (text format): FReq: RAH
Current RAH Issue (Readroom format): FReq: RAHR
Back Issues of RAH: (text) FReq: RAHyymm.ZIP
(RAH9209.ZIP for premiere issue)
Back Issues of RAH: (Readroom) FReq: RAHyymmR.ZIP
(RAH9302R.ZIP and later only)
Complete Writers Guidelines: FReq: RAHWRITE
Complete Distributor Info: FReq: RAHDIST

RAH Gateway Systems:

Pooh's Corner Fells Point, MD. Sysop: Mark Truelove
FidoNet> 1:261/1131 (410) 327-9263 14400 (V.32bis)
RBBSnet> 8:936/206 FilNet> 33:410/0 CandyNet> 42:1031/1


H*A*L Muskogee, OK. Sysop: Lloyd Hatley
FidoNet> 1:3813/304 (918) 682-7337 14400 (V.32bis)
RFNet> 73:102/1 RANet> 72:918/21 LuvNet> 77:101/1
DoorNet> 75:7918/205

The Shop Mail Only Flushing, NY. Sysop: Steve Matzura
FidoNet> 1:2603/203 (718) 460-0201 14400 (V.32bis)
ADAnet> 94:7180/1 JayNet> 17:99/100 WorldNet 62:4400/200
MusicNet.FTN> 88:8001/12
Cyberdrome Philadelphia, PA. Sysop: Mike Taylor
FidoNet> 1:273/937 (215) 923-8026 14400 (V.32bis)
PodsNet> 93:9600/2

Abiogenesis Kansas City, MO. Sysop: Scott Lent
FidoNet> 1:280/310 (816) 734-4732 14400 (V.32bis)
VirNet> 9:103/110 MailNet> 20:416/310 SuperNet> 43:1315/102

Datanet BBS Voorschoten, Netherlands Sysop: Ed Bakker
FidoNet> 2:281/101 31-71-617784 14400 (V.32bis)
Digital-Net> 15:200/512 MomNet> 71:2000/2

SoftCom Online Istanbul, Turkey Sysop: Tolga Yurderi
FidoNet> 2:430/1 90-1-2572790 16800 (HST/Dual)
GlobalNet> 52:9000/1 IntlNet> 57:90/1 HiTNeT> 102:1001/5

Random Access Humor Page A-4 January 1994

The Vision BBS Keflavik, Iceland Sysop: Jon Karlsson
FidoNet> 2:391/20 354-2-14626 14400 (V.32bis)
IceInet> 354:2/10

Incredible BBS Burleson, TX. Sysop: Don Teague
FidoNet> 1:130/82 (817) 447-2598 14400 (HST/Dual)
USPolNet> 30:603/103

The Harddisk Cafe Nidderau, Germany Sysop: Bernd Hohmann
FidoNet> 2:244/1682 49-6187-21739 19200 (Z19)
FidoClassic> 2:248/317 Gamesnet> 144:4906/153 BasNet> 255:1000/0

The Next Level Scarborough, ON, Canada Sysop: James FitzGibbon
FidoNet> 1:250/301 (416) 299-1164 19200 (Z19)
ZyXELnet> 18:105/301 ibmNet> 40:6482/301 NAnet> 81:416/520


Didi's Place Dearborn Heights, MI. Sysop: Diane Pahl
FidoNet> 1:2410/120 (313) 563-8940 14400 (V.32bis)
W-Net_fts> 66:636/0 CrossNet> 73:4100/3 SEMSOGNt> 94:101/0



RAH Official Distribution Sites:

-= AUSTRALIA =-
Northern Territory
Images Unlimited Darwin 3:850/110 61-89-41-1630 V.32bis

Victoria
The Flying Circus Highett 3:635/555 61-3-532-5224 V.32bis

-= BELGIUM =-
Proteus/2 Brussels 2:291/711 32-2-3752539 V.32bis

-= CANADA =-
Ontario
Typecast BBS Kingston 1:249/107 (613) 545-9148 V.32bis
The Next Level Scarborough 1:250/301 (416) 299-1164 Z19
Echo Valley Vanier 1:243/26 (613) 749-1016 HST

-= GERMANY =-
The Harddisk Cafe Nidderau 2:244/1682 49-6187-21739 Z19

-= ICELAND =-
The Vision BBS Keflavik 2:391/20 354-2-14626 V.32bis

-= NETHERLANDS =-
BIB Aalten Aalten 2:283/401 31-54-3774203 V.32bis
BBS Sussudio Denhaag 2:281/517 31-70-3212177 HST/Dual
Midkemia BBS Denhaag (MomNet) 31-70-3361872 V.32bis
TouchDown Hoofddorp 2:280/401 31-2503-24677 HST/Dual
Bommel's BBS Schiedam 2:285/800 31-10-4700939 V.32bis
Pleasure BBS Utrecht 2:281/705 31-30-934123 V.32bis
Datanet BBS Voorschoten 2:281/101 31-71-617784 V.32bis

Random Access Humor Page A-5 January 1994

-= PORTUGAL =-
The Mail House II Loures 2:362/29 351-1-9890140 V.32bis

-= SAUDI ARABIA =-
MidEast Connection Riyadh (NoFido) 966-1-4410075 V.32bis

-= SLOVENIA =-
R.I.S.P. Ljubljana 2:380/103 38-61-199400 V.32bis

-= UNITED STATES =-
Alabama
J & J Online Chickasaw 1:3625/440 (205) 457-5901 V.32bis
Digital Publ. Assoc Birmingham (NoFido) (205) 854-1660 V.32bis

California
InfoMat BBS San Clemente (P&BNet) (714) 492-8727 HST/Dual
Automation Central San Jose 1:143/110 (408) 435-2886 V.32bis
The Software Station Saugus 1:102/1106 (805) 296-9056 V.32
Marin County Net Sausalito 1:125/55 (415) 331-6241 HST/Dual

Connecticut
ModemNews Express Stamford (P&BNet) (203) 359-2299 V.32bis

Florida
Ruby's Joint Coconut Grove 1:135/373 (305) 856-4857 V.32bis
The Software Cuisine Miami 1:135/57 (305) 642-0754 V.32bis

Hawaii
Casa de la Chinchilla Honolulu (NoFido) (808) 845-1303 HST/Dual

Idaho
Phantasia BBS Boise 1:347/25 (208) 939-2530 V.32bis

Illinois
The Crossroads BBS Chicago 1:115/743 (312) 587-8756 HST/Dual
The Loonatic Fringe Elk Grove 1:115/542 (708) 290-8877 V.32

Indiana
Digicom Evansville 1:2310/200 (812) 479-1310 HST/Dual

Maryland
Wit-Tech Baltimore 1:261/1082 (410) 256-0170 V.32bis
Outside the Wall Baltimore 1:261/1093 (410) 665-1855 V.32
The File Exchange Cockeysville 1:2617/104 (410) 628-7243 HST/Dual
Pooh's Corner Fells Point 1:261/1131 (410) 327-9263 V.32bis
Cybersystems Frederick 1:109/713 (301) 662-8948 V.32bis
Robin's Nest Glen Burnie (P&BNet) (410) 766-9756 V.32
The Puffin's Nest Pasadena 1:261/1129 (410) 437-3463 HST/Dual

Michigan
Didi's Place Dearborn Heights 1:2410/120 (313) 563-8940 V.32bis

Mississippi
Ranch & Cattle South Columbus (NoFido) (601) 328-6486 V.32bis

Random Access Humor Page A-6 January 1994

Missouri
Abiogenesis Kansas City 1:280/310 (816) 734-4732 V.32bis

New Mexico
High Mesa Publishing Los Lunas 1:317/100 (505) 865-8385 V.32
Paula's House of Mail Los Lunas 1:317/317 (505) 865-4082 V.32bis

New York
The Shop Mail Only Flushing 1:2603/203 (mail only) V.32bis
The Wall-2 Middle Village 1:278/612 (718) 335-8784 HST/Dual
Particle Board 3 Monroe 1:272/60 (914) 783-2455 V.32
Computers & Dreams New York (NoFido) (212) 888-6565 V.32bis
ASB Ronkonkoma (NoFido) (516) 471-8625 V.32bis
Dome Ideas BBS Yonkers 1:272/104 (914) 968-2205 HST

Oklahoma
H*A*L Muskogee 1:3813/304 (918) 682-7337 V.32bis

Oregon
Bitter Butter Better Tigard 1:105/290 (503) 620-0307 V.32

Pennsylvania
Cyberdrome Philadelphia 1:273/937 (215) 923-8026 V.32bis
Milliways Pittsburgh 1:129/179 (412) 766-1086 HST/Dual

Texas
Sunlight Thru Shadows Addison (P&BNet) (214) 620-8793 V.32bis
Incredible BBS Burleson 1:130/82 (817) 447-2598 HST/Dual

Utah
Vital Signs Midvale 1:311/20 (801) 255-8909 V.32bis

Virginia
Pen & Brush Burke (P&BNet) (703) 644-5196 V.32bis
Data Empire Fredericksburg 1:274/31 (703) 785-0422 V.32bis
Flying Dutchman Newport News 1:271/237 (804) 595-9383 V.32bis
The Time Machine Newport News 1:271/236 (804) 599-6401 HST/Dual

Washington

Spokane Online Spokane 1:346/20 (509) 327-8540 V.32bis
Dragon's Cave Tacoma 1:138/198 (206) 752-4160 V.32bis

Wisconsin
The First Step BBS Green Bay 1:139/540 (414) 499-0659 V.32bis

=====================================================================

Although not official RAH distributors, the following large
commercial systems carry RAH. (Uploaded by the editor himself.)

Channel 1 Cambridge, MA. (617) 354-8873 (Readroom)

EXEC-PC Elm Grove, WI. (414) 789-4210 (Readroom)

SPACE Menlo Park, CA. (415) 323-4193

Software Creations Clinton, MA. (508) 368-4137