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Random Access Humor: PC Humor Magazine for July 1993.

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Random Access Humor - July 1993
Monthly electronic humor magazine by and for
the online community. ASCII text. Free for
non-commercial purposes. Contents: Things
That Go Bump in the Hard Drive; Electronic
Tower of Babel; The Truth Behind MTBF;
DaffyNitions (M-Z); RAH Humor Review;
Taglines Seen Around the Nets.

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Random Access Humor: PC Humor Magazine for July 1993.
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Contents of the RAH9307.TXT file

R a N d O m A c C e S s H u M o R RAH! RAH!

Volume 0 Number A July 1993

A rag-tag collection of fugitive humor, some of which
is vaguely related to the BBS/Online System world.

Editor: Dave Bealer

Member of the Digital Publishing Association

Copyright 1993 Dave Bealer, All Rights Reserved

Random Access Humor is an irregular production of:

VaporWare Communications
32768 Infinite Loop
Sillycon Valley, CA. 80486-DX2
USA, Earth, Sol System, Milky Way

The "look and feel" of Random Access Humor has been specifically
earmarked, spindled and polygraphed. Anyone who attempts to copy
this look and feel without express written consent of the publisher
will be fed to rabid radioactive hamsters by our Security Director,
Vinnie "The Knife" Calamari.

About Vaporware Communications.....................................01
Editorial - Desperately Seeking Boredom............................01
Lettuce to the Editor..............................................02
Electronic Tower of Babel..........................................03
Things That Go Bump in the Hard Drive..............................05
The Truth Behind MTBF..............................................07
DaffyNitions (M-Z).................................................07
RAH Humor Review: Usenet alt.comedy.british Newsgroup..............11
Taglines Seen Around the Nets......................................13
Masthead - Submission Information.................................A-1
RAH Distribution System...........................................A-2

Random Access Humor Page 1 July 1993

About Vaporware Communications

VaporWare Communications is an operating division of VaporWare
Corporation, a public corporation. Stock Ticker Symbol: SUKR
VaporWare Corporate Officers:

Luther Lecks
President, Chief Egomaniac Officer

Dorian Debacle, M.B.A. Gabriel Escargot
V.P., Operations V.P., Customer Service

Pav Bhaji, M.Tax.(Avoidance) Carlos Goebbels
V.P., Finance V.P., Political Correctness

Kung Pao Har Hoo, M.D., Ph.D., D.Sc. F.A.C.S, C.P.A., S.P.C.A.,
Y.M.C.A., L.E.D., Q.E.D., op. cit., et al.
V.P., Research & Development
Editorial - Desperately Seeking Boredom
by Dave Bealer

It's been an interesting summer so far here in Pasadena. I blew out
a tire at high speed on the Baltimore Beltway (an amateur demolition
derby venue that surrounds the city) but somehow managed to avoid
death and/or dismemberment. The tire blew when I ran over a kitchen
sink that someone had carelessly left lying in the middle of the fast
lane. All right, it wasn't REALLY a kitchen sink, but it sure looked
like one during the split second I had to try and avoid running over
the stupid thing. Actually both tires on the passenger side were
damaged beyond repair, but the front one managed to hold up while I
limped the car to a tire store. Fortunately the trip to the tire
store was only a few miles since my car has one of those tiny spare
tires meant for a go-cart. The fact that this incident occurred on
the first day of my vacation should have warned me that I was in for
a bad time this summer.

Actually, when the kitchen sink hurled itself in front of my car I
was on my way back to Pennsylvania to visit Uncle Fred for the last
time. I did finally get to see him a couple of days later, just two
weeks before he died. Uncle Fred was a funny man. Not in the way a
Dave Barry or Steven Wright is funny, but he was always ready with a
clever comment. Fred was a mechanic and a card player whose special
love was pinochle. Greg Borek and I both consider him our favorite
six-handed partner. The extra limbs came in especially handy when
dealing. Fred was a good man...the world could use more like him.

Greg Borek swam across the Chesapeake Bay on June 13th. Greg denies
that it had anything to do with the fact that Vinnie was chasing him
at the time. Greg wasn't sure that he would have an article ready
for this month's issue. We'll have to see just how persuasive Vinnie
can be.

Random Access Humor Page 2 July 1993

Considering the recent flap over syringes in soda cans I'm hesitant
to report my next near mishap, but it really happened. Two co-
workers and I were having a luncheon buffet at work consisting of
some Chinese carry-out food when I bit into a piece of glass. The
glass in question was 5/8" long, about 1/4" wide at the widest point,
and 3/32" thick, a piece of green bottle glass. The odd thing about
it was that the glass was hidden inside the stem of a green onion
(also known as a scallion). The odds against a piece of glass
accidentally becoming lodged in the stem of a scallion in this fashion
are very high. Fortunately I bit into the glass on the flat side and
was not injured, although my molar left a mark in the glass.

Needless to say my co-workers and I were quite unhappy that night
since none of us were sure if we had ingested any glass. We were
lucky as it turns out. The owner of the restaurant merely gave us
our money back, and denies that the glass came from his place. We'll
just see what the County Health Department has to say about this.

As for me, I'm considering relocating to someplace safe, like
downtown Detroit. Yep. Things sure have been interesting, like in
that ancient Chinese curse: "May you live in interesting times."
>>>> Lettuce to the Editor <<<<

Dear Dave,
Ever since reading my first copy of RAH (Volume 0 Number 3) I
have also been able to keep my insanity only by reading every single
word in each month's issue of RAH. I have tried to get a RAH cult
together, but nobody would give me enough money to buy that faster
modem I was going to use to download RAH quicker each month.
Also, please don't make that cool hypertext annual edition of RAH
(in September) that you mentioned in the last (June) issue commercial
software, especially $9999.99. Make it freeware, otherwise I will
stand outside VaporWare HQ with a giant picket sign saying 'No
Keep on RAHing!
Mike Russo ([email protected])
- - - - - -
Thanks for the confused words, Mike. I can assure you that no
grapes, Chilean or otherwise, are used in the production of RAH.
Vinnie's hamsters may eat grapes from time to time, but that
shouldn't matter to any of our readers.

As far as the annual edition is concerned, it will definitely be a
commercial product. It will probably fall in the low end of the
price range mentioned last month, however. The monthly issues of RAH
are and will remain freeware. Where else can you get humor of this
quality for nothing? If annual edition sales warrant, next year we
will start producing RAH t-shirts, hats, hamster cages, toilet paper,
curtains, bed sheets, etc.
Help Wanted - Food Taster. Must like spicy Chinese food and be
willing to work odd hours. Call (410) 555-OUCH

Random Access Humor Page 3 July 1993

Electronic Tower of Babel
by Dave Bealer

Most newcomers to the BBS hobby are stunned by the bewildering
variety of BBS software packages they must contend with. Commands
and screens are different for each package, and sometimes for
different versions of the same package. This guide is intended
to provide some basic information about each major software package
in use on bulletin boards today.

Mailer software:
These packages are known as "front-end" mailers, because they are the
software that actually answers incoming calls. The mailer then
determines whether the call is a network mail call or a human caller
for the BBS. They do this by taking the pulse of the incoming
caller. Since other mailers are not alive, they have no pulse.

- Freeware that gets the job done brutally and efficiently. It will
always be back.

DoorBell V2.10 NC (Non-contributing)
- Users of this version aren't helping to make the payments on
the author's Porsche.

- Mailer written by a midget (like a fantasy come true).

- Snooping mailer used by the bosses of the CRIME network to
maintain absolute control over their members.

BBS Software:
This is the software that allows the caller to actually download
files, enter doors, download files, read messages, download files,
read bulletins (ha!), download files, enter messages or download

BTBBS (Bigger Than a BreadBox System)
- A system that keeps you guessing.

The Kernel BBS
- Stiff, proper and formal. A thoroughly professional package.

PC Bored
- Not what you think: politically correct BBS software.

Mountain Goat
- A sure-footed and surprisingly agile system.

- Polly wanna chat?

Kitchen Sink Net
- A new entry that comes with everything. No utilities needed.

Random Access Humor Page 4 July 1993

- A truly portable, illuminating package. Batteries not included.

- The final destination system for all true BBS warriors.

Sopwith Camel
- Recent versions have had some trouble with looping. But, all in
all, a sturdy system.

- Functionality is the name of the game for this no-frills package.

- Written in BASIC, one of the first Freeware BBS packages. This is
the "see Spot run" of BBS software packages.

- Avoids all pretense of offering features other than file
downloading. Works directly with most popular CD-ROM collections.

BBS Utilities:
Features are often added to BBS software packages in a haphazard
fashion when they are added at all. Enterprising sysop/programmers
often cook up their own utilities to add some desired function. Many
of these features are eventually added to the core BBS software, but
others are not.

BBS Utilities can be divided into two major categories: those written
to work with a specific type of BBS software, and those written to
work with almost any BBS package. The sheer volume and variety of
BBS utilities makes it impossible to adequately cover the field with
anything less than a book length work. Nevertheless, a brief sample
of the utilities available is presented here for your confusion.

Attack of the Alien Zombie Vampires
- A Game door. This particular game involves defending the planet
against some un-ET-like visitors from an extremely violent
galaxy. We're talking a galaxy that is more violent that
downtown Beirut, but not quite as violent as downtown
Washington, DC. Most of the game seems to consist of watching
the bad guys tear the heads off of humans in slow motion, all
vividly depicted in your choice of RIP or NAPLPS graphics.

Download Counters
- These utilities allow fad conscious users to only download those
files that are very popular. These utilities maintain the count
for each file and insert the count somewhere in the file
description. Some BBS packages already provide these counters
as a standard feature, but a few of those need extra help to
handle those 7 digit counts that are becoming commonplace on the
larger (2 or more line) boards.

Random Access Humor Page 5 July 1993

Last National Time Bank
- Allows users to save access time not used today against the day
they want to spend six straight hours playing "Attack of the
Alien Zombie Vampires" or reading _War and Peace_ online.

User Record Twaddler
- This is a behind-the-scenes utility used by the sysop to perform
such useful feats as twitting every user whose last name begins
with "Q" on a daily basis. This product represents a whole class
of utilities which allow sysops to automatically slice, dice, and
make julienne fries out of user records, file areas, message
bases, individual files and messages on the system, that new
users' first born child, and other important system resources.

If you are a new BBS user and reading this article has left you more
confused than ever, fear not. Sysops are only slightly more aware of
how their systems work than you are. {RAH}
Dave Bealer is a thirty-something mainframe systems programmer who
works with CICS, MVS and all manner of nasty acronyms at one of the
largest heavy metal shops on the East Coast. He shares a waterfront
townhome in Pasadena, MD. with two cats who annoy him endlessly as he
writes and electronically publishes RAH. FidoNet> 1:261/1129
Internet: [email protected]
Things That Go Bump in the Hard Drive
by Ray Koziel

Man has been trying to prove the existence of ghosts and spirits for
generations. In this attempt to prove their existence, various
classifications have been made. An example is "poltergeist", which
classifies ghosts that tend to be mischievous and playful. Recently
there appeared a new category of ghosts - "cybergeists." These are
ghosts which inhabit computers and are able to somehow communicate
with them directly.

The first reports of a cybergeist comes from Paris, France. An
accountant by the name of Jean-Claude Beaubien believes his computer
is inhabited by the ghost of Napoleon. "I recall my first encounter
quite well," Jean-Claude explains. "I like to play chess, so at work
I have a PC version of a chess game that I play on break. One day I
was playing the game and was getting frustrated because I could not
beat the computer. Then, right before my eyes, one of the pieces
moved without me touching the keyboard! I was amazed! It was that
move that showed me what I needed to do and I eventually won the
game. Since then I've had similar help with my games and I began to
realize that this could not be a virus - there was some kind of
entity inside my PC! One day I tried asking him what his name was
and the word 'Napoleon' appeared on the screen. With the skill and
strategy he displays while playing chess I feel this ghost must be
the spirit of Napoleon Bonaparte himself!"

Random Access Humor Page 6 July 1993

Another report of cybergeist activity comes from Susan Gudenbed, a
secretary in New York City. "I've always been one to run a tight
ship. I don't like letting files clutter around so as soon as I feel
I'm finished with something I delete it off my PC. I can't stand
having all these files taking up space on my disk drive. About a
month ago I erased a bunch of files pertaining to a proposal my boss
was working on. The proposal never fell through so I felt I could
get rid of the data. The next morning I came into work and all the
files were back on my PC! My first idea was I thought I erased them
but actually forgot to so I just deleted them again. The next
morning the same thing happened! I thought I was beginning to loose
my mind! But that same day my boss rushed up to me asking for the
data in those files. It appears the other party had second thoughts
on the proposal and wanted to look at the figures again. There must
have been something in my PC which somehow kept me from completely
deleting those files as it knew I would need them. Now I am
convinced that some sort of spirit exists in my PC because it has
helped me many times recovering files I thought had been lost."

It appears that not all cybergeists have good intentions. There have
also been reports about PCs suffering from the worst disk crashes and
program anomalies yet there were no viruses or hardware problems
detected. It could only mean the existence of cybergeists.

Ronald Wizzbanger, expert in the study of ghost and paranormal
activities, shares his views about the existence of cybergeists.
"The possibility of the existence of ectocyber-activity is
phenomenal! If ghosts are able to inhabit and haunt houses and such,
why not a computer? This could be the lead we've been waiting for in
advancing artificial intelligence by studying how spirits can
interface with the circuitry of a PC. Also imagine being able to
transfer someone's spirit from the human body into that of an android
- thereby extending that person's existence. Why, the possibilities
of this technology could be endless!"

What do you think? Are cybergeists real or just fabrications to
cover for miscoded programs and human error? We may never know for
certain, but if your PC begins to act a bit out of the ordinary,
don't rush for the virus scanners. Your PC may have just turned into
a new home for someone beyond the grave! {RAH}
Ray Koziel is a systems programmer (C++ and Pascal) for Blue Cross
Blue Shield of IL's EMC-Net, a private bulletin board used for
electronic submission of insurance claims. Living in Chicago with a
wife, a new baby boy and two dogs, Ray has found RAH helpful in
keeping his insanity. FidoNet: 1:115/542 (The Loonatic Fringe BBS)
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks,
"Do you want mustard with that?"

Random Access Humor Page 7 July 1993

The Truth Behind MTBF
submitted by Albert Fixl (Sunnyvale, CA)

>From Tue Jun 22 11:42:40 1993
Subject: Forwarded: MTBF daemon

From the net:

Sun Microsystems has long been aware that too high a value for system
MTBF (measured in days or fractions thereof) leads to a stultifying
sense of boredom and complacency on the part of the network
administrator. Thoughtfully, SUN has incorporated the little-known
MTBF daemon, which is quietly spawned at boot time, to ensure that all
users are exposed to the excitement of real breakdowns at reasonable
intervals. MTBFd is intelligent insofar that it automatically detects
the busiest server on the network and grafts itself onto the server's
sendmail daemon. Lifeboat simulations are no substitute for that
first actual file-scrambling catastrophe. Quoting the MTBFd (8) man
page, "it's not actually data corruption, as we use a special write-
only encryption algorithm." The initial panic and wringing of throats
soon gives way to the familiar elation of the front-line soldier
under fire: sinews are stiffened, blood is summoned. Site-wide
solidarity is magically rewoven as an almost forgotten camaraderie
emerge to weather the blitz. "For the system administrator shall lie
down with the controls engineer, yea, even the simple coder shall lie
down with the OI group leader." -- St. Presper's Epistolary Update to
the Pascalites, Release V, Level 1.2. The traditional supplier/user
frictions also, surprisingly, disappear since the user is now, as it
were, a born-again nonuser, and by definition a prospect for
*something*. Long-forgotten salespersons will arrive to offer
condolences and quotations for extended and enhanced service:
contracts, add-ons, RAID systems, UPSes, upgrades, and newly-released
allegedly working software. Eventually, the peaceful boredom of
uptime will be restored, prisoners exchanged, scapegoats tried and
executed, memorials erected to lost files, and a candle placed on the
console to honor the Unknown Coder.

----- End Included Message ----- {RAH}
DaffyNition Taglines (M-Z)
compiled by Rob Nykvist (Theodore, AL)

MAD: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence...

Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can't be fixed...

Maniac: An early computer built by nuts...

Marriage: A sentence, not a word...

Marriage: The mourning after the knot before...

Masturbation: The human version of AUTOEXEC...BAT

Medical Staff: Doctor's cane...

Random Access Humor Page 8 July 1993

Memory dump: Amnesia...

Microwave: Signal from a friendly micro...

Microwave: Wave from a midget...

Minor Operation: Coal digging...

Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses...

Mistress: Something between a mister and a mattress...

Mixed Doubles: Renee Richard and Martina Navratolova...

Mobile: [Mo-BEEL'] -n... Cultural center of the Universe...

Modem: How a Southerner asks for seconds...

Mondays: The potholes in the road of life...

Morbid: Higher offer...

Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once...

Newsflash: Headless body found in topless bar...

Nitrate: Cheaper than a day rate...

Node: Was aware of...

Nostalgia: The good old days multiplied by a bad memory...

Nymphomaniac: A girl that can only count up to sex...

Organic: Musical...

Outpatient: Person who has fainted...

Oxymoron: One who has used too much acne goo...

Papsmear: Fatherhood test...

Paranoia: Believing this tagline is written about you...

Parking lot: A place where arguments start from scratch...

Parking space: An area that vanishes as you make a U-Turn...

PEBKAC: Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair...

Pedestrian: Someone who found a place to park...

Pelvis: Cousin of Elvis...

Perot: (A)bort (Q)uit (E)nd (T)erminate...

Random Access Humor Page 9 July 1993

Pessimist: An optimist with experience...

PETA: People for the Eating of Tasty Animals...

Peter Pan: A washbasin in a house of ill repute...

Petting: A study in anatomy in braille...

Pickle: A cucumber soured by a jarring experience...

Postoperative: Letter carrier...

Procastinator: A fishing expert, gifted at casting lures...

Prostate: Flat on your back...

Protein: In favor of young people...

Prune Juice: The breakfast for Runers...

Psychoceramics: The study of Crackpots...

Purranoia: The fear that your cat is up to something...

Purring: Sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness...

Purrpetual: Everlasting love for domesticated felines...

Purrpetual motion: A kitty playing...

Purrson: A male kitty...

Purrverse: Poem about a strange kitty...

Pussability: A surprised kitty's "BOING..."

Pussy Whip: The dessert topping for cats...

Recovery Room: Place to do upholestry...

Rectum: Dang near killed him...

Redundancy: An air bag in a politician's car...

Rheumatic: Amourous...

Rubber band: Flexible musicians...

Secretion: Hiding something...

Seizure: Roman emperor...

Semiconductor: Part-time band leader...

Serology: Study of knighthood...

Random Access Humor Page 10 July 1993

Sit In: When you sit down to stand up for your rights...

Skydiver: A guy whose talks fall flat...

Soviet spy-dancer: A ballet ruse...

Stack Error: Lost on a cluttered desk...

Stack Overflow: Too many pancakes...

Tablet: A small table...

Elephone: How elephants call home...

Terminal glare: A look that kills...

Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport...

Terror: A female Klingon with PMS...

Three stages of Sex: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly...

Trojan: Storage device for replicating codes...

Tumor: More than one...

Urine: Opposite of "You're Out..."

Valorus: Large animal vit tusks; lives in vater...

Varicose: Near by...

Varicose Veins: Veins very close to each other...

Vein: Conceited...

Wedding rings: The world's smallest handcuffs...

WOMEN.ZIP: A great program, but it doesn't come with

WOMAN.ZIP: Great Shareware, but be careful of viruses...

ZMODEM: Big bits, Soft blocks, Tighter ASCII... {RAH}
Said by my girlfriend just prior to her vacation to Mexico:

"I Have to be careful what I drink down there
because they have orgasms in the water."

Forget Spring Water, let's bottle some Mexican water.

submitted by: Christopher Boerma

Random Access Humor Page 11 July 1993

RAH Humor Review: Usenet alt.comedy.british Newsgroup
by Dave Bealer

Is your regular humor conference/echo/newsgroup getting you down?
Are you sick of the same old blonde jokes, Koresh and burn jokes,
and "Mommy, mommy" jokes being repeated on a weekly basis? Then
consider reading the USENET alt.comedy.british newsgroup. Despite
their country's generally dull reputation, British humorists have
been showing the rest of us how high class humor should be done for
many years.

Monty Python and Benny Hill are the most well known British comedy
shows, at least in the United States. A few discerning individuals
are familiar with some of the other good shows, such as Blackadder;
Fawlty Towers; Red Dwarf; Yes, (Prime) Minister and The Young Ones.
Discussions of all these programs and many others occur regularly in
the alt.comedy.british newsgroup.

Since this is not a moderated newsgroup you will see an occasional
brain dead post by some clueless Neanderthal, but these are rare
compared to other humor conferences. Most of the posts in this
conference are not actually examples of British comedy, but requests
for information regarding British comedies and comedians.

Article 3046 (20 more) in alt.comedy.british:
From: [email protected] (The Bean)

Subject: Re: Blackadder merchandising question
Date: Mon, 14 Jun 1993 01:04:11 GMT
Organization: University of Illinois at Urbana
Lines: 19

[email protected] (Scott Sherman) writes:

>Does anyone know of a catalog or store that sells Blackadder
>memorabilia? Such things as mugs, t-shirts, torture devices, etc.

>Please E-Mail any responses to:

>Scott Sherman
>Internet: [email protected]
>Bitnet: [email protected]

>Thanks in advance

This past Saturday was a "Blackadder Fest" on PBS here in Seattle.
They were offering T-shirts, buttons, etc. as incentive to donate to
the station. Dunno if these were of the same design mentioned in the
other follow-up post.


Random Access Humor Page 12 July 1993

Article 3095 (6 more) in alt.comedy.british:
From: [email protected] (Simon Foster)

Subject: Re: BlackAdder Season 5
Date: Sat, 19 Jun 93 16:00:37 -1000
Lines: 19

In <[email protected]>
[email protected] (JOEY BERNER) writes:

>Does anyone know if the fifth season of BlackAdder is available on
>video. It is the one where they are in outer space. If it's
>available, let me know. I have the other four seasons but the fifth
>one eludes me. Also, is there a BlackAdder FAQ available? If so,

To my knowledge there isn't a BA5, and the writers have said they
don't intend to produce any more Black Adders'. However, you may be
thinking of th Black Adder Christmas Special (where there is an
'outer space' scene) which is available on BBC Video.

- - - - - -
For those unfamiliar with Internet acronyms, a FAQ is a list of
"Frequently Asked Questions." Such lists exist for many of the
leading British comedies, such as Blackadder; Monty Python, etc.
Other lists are dedicated to a specific actor, such as Rowan
Atkinson (whose best known works include Blackadder and Mr. Bean).
A large proportion of the participants in this newsgroup are either
Brits or Aussies, although people from around the world like British
comedy. {RAH}

RAH is now being distributed in Australia. Brett O'Hara of The
Flying Circus BBS in Highett, Victoria (a suburb of Melbourne) is
providing RAH to those "down under." Thanks, Brett! For those
keeping score, that's three continents down, four to go.

RAH will likely switch from monthly publication to a "10 times a
year" schedule starting in 1994. There will be issues each month
from September through May, then a single Summer issue, probably
released on July 1st. It turns out that Summer is just too busy for
me to publish the magazine every month and do it justice. This issue
may turn out to be a little thin, and August will be worse. I'd
rather publish RAH less frequently than turn out an inferior product.

The Puffin's Nest BBS (The Home of RAH) will be undergoing major
hardware and software upgrades during July 1993. These changes will
include a shift from MS-DOS to OS/2. We apologize in advance for
any difficulties experienced connecting to the system during the
conversion/upgrade process. {RAH}

Random Access Humor Page 13 July 1993

--- Taglines Seen Around the Nets

In need of a good reformatting.

A career is a job that takes about 20 more hours a week.

29A, the hexadecimal of the Beast.

Life would be much easier if I had the source code.

Love is grand, divorce is twenty grand.

She criticized my apartment, so I knocked her flat.

I played poker with tarot cards; got a flush and five people died.

Sir, sonar reports screw noises.

I'm not conceited, I just can't stand mortals.

SET DEVICE=EXXON to screw up your environment.

Electric chairs are period furniture; they end a sentence.

Oh, goody! My Alludium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator!

Are the voices in my head bothering you?

But you thaid is was a pith helmet!

Recovering blonde.

My kid just beat up your honor student.

I need some duck tape. My duck has a quack in it.

Is there a Lemon Law for Presidents too?

My BBS is baroque now. Please call Bach later with your Handel.

She won't last forever, so why give her a diamond?

If you pull the wings off a fly, does it become a walk?

God is real, unless declared "integer."

All the world's a stage, but most of us are stage hands.

When you have sour cream every problem looks like a potato.

Come in, Beverly, and I'll show you a real Picard maneuver.

But you can't let her drive! She's legally blonde!

If I want your opinion, I'll read your entrails.

Random Access Humor Page 14 July 1993

The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only heavier.

"I'm a lawyer." "Honest?" "No, the usual kind."

Is this yours? Your dog left it on my lawn.

I fought the lawn and the lawn won.

In God we trust, all others we voice verify.

WARNING: No user serviceable characters in this tagline.

Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/nope)

A crucifix? Oy vey, have you got the wrong vampire!

I practice safe eating...I use condiments.

I am Dangerfield of Borg. Respect is irrelevant.

Beam me up Scotty! The liberals have taken over!

Sensors identify the creatures as "scrubbing bubbles."

{ed. note: This may have been funnier before one of my
proof-readers spotted a typo:}

Senors identify the creatures as "scrubbing bubbles."

{her question was: "Is this supposed to be a Spanish tagline?"}

Random Access Humor Page A-1 July 1993

Random Access Humor Masthead:

Editor & Publisher: Dave Bealer

Non-Contributing Editor: Greg Borek

Contact: The Puffin's Nest BBS
FidoNet: 1:261/1129
BBS: (410) 437-3463 (1200-14400/V.32bis)
Internet: [email protected]
[email protected]
Regular Mail: (Only if you have no other way to reach us!)
Random Access Humor
c/o Dave Bealer
P.O. Box 595
Pasadena, MD. 21122 USA

Random Access Humor (RAH) is published monthly by Dave Bealer as a
disservice to the online community. Although the publisher's BBS may
be a part of one or more networks at any time, RAH is not affiliated
with any BBS network or online service. RAH is a compilation of
individual articles contributed by their authors. The contribution
of articles to this compilation does not diminish the rights of the
authors. The opinions expressed in RAH are those of the authors and
are not necessarily those of the publisher.

Random Access Humor is Copyright 1993 Dave Bealer. All Rights
Reserved. Duplication and/or distribution is permitted for non-
commercial purposes only. RAH may not be distributed on diskette,
CD-ROM or in hardcopy form for a fee without express written
permission from the publisher. For any other use, contact the

RAH may only be distributed in unaltered form. Online systems whose
users cannot access the original binary archive file may offer it for
viewing or download in text format, provided the original text is not
modified. Readers may produce hard copies of RAH or backup copies on
diskette for their own personal use only. RAH may not be distributed
in combination with any other publication or product.

Many of the brands and products mentioned in RAH are trademarks of
their respective owners.

Copies of the current issue of RAH may be obtained by manual download
or Wazoo/EMSI File Request from The Puffin's Nest BBS (FREQ: RAH), or
from various sites in several BBS networks. Back issues of RAH may
be obtained by download or file request from The Puffin's Nest BBS.
Internet users may obtain RAH issues via anonymous FTP from : Directory: pub/Zines/RAH

Article contributions to RAH are always welcome. All submissions
must be made electronically. File attach your article to a netmail
message to Dave Bealer at 1:261/1129. E-mail may also be sent via
Internet to: [email protected]

Random Access Humor Page A-2 July 1993

Tagline and filler submissions may be made via e-mail. Article
submissions should be made via file. Submitted files must be plain
ASCII text files in normal MS-DOS file format: artname.RAH; where
artname is a descriptive file name and RAH is the mandatory
extension. Your text should be less than 70 columns across for
widest readability. If your article does not conform to these simple
specs, it may get lost or trashed. Also note that such imaginative
names as RAH.RAH might get overlaid by the blatherings of similarly
minded contributors. If your hardware is incapable of producing file
names in the proper format, you may send your article as one or more
e-mail messages. It will not be possible to make private responses
to any submissions or correspondence received.

The editors reserve the right to publish or not to publish any
submission as/when they see fit. The editors also reserve the right
to "edit", or modify any submission prior to publication. This last
right will rarely be used, typically only to correct spelling or
grammar misteaks that are not funny. RAH is a PG rated publication,
so keep it (mostly) clean.

RAH can accept only the following types of material for publication:
1) Any material in the public domain.
2) Material for which you own the copyright. If you wrote it
yourself, you are automatically the copyright holder.
3) Authorized agents for a copyright holder (typically an
organization) may submit material on behalf of that holder.

In writing jargon, RAH is deemed to be given "One Time Rights" to
anything submitted for publication unless otherwise noted in the
message accompanying the contribution. You still own the material,
and RAH will make no use of the material other than publishing it
electronically in the usual manner. Your article may be selected for
publication in a planned "Best of RAH" electronic book. If you want
your copyright notice to appear in your article, place it as desired
in the text you submit. Previously published articles may be
submitted, but proper acknowledgement must be included: periodical
name, date of previous publication.

RAH Distribution System:
(Sites bearing the designation will accept your
contributions and forward them to the editors.)
(All these systems would be good places to find sysops with a sense
of humor...seemingly a rarity these days.)

The Puffin's Nest Pasadena, MD. Sysop: Dave Bealer
FidoNet> 1:261/1129 (410) 437-3463 14400 (V.32bis)
SailNet> 53:5000/1129 CinemaNet> 68:1410/101
Current RAH Issue (text format): FReq: RAH
Current RAH Issue (Readroom format): FReq: RAHR
Back Issues of RAH: (text) FReq: RAHyymm.ZIP
(RAH9209.ZIP for premiere issue)
Back Issues of RAH: (Readroom) FReq: RAHyymmR.ZIP
(RAH9302R.ZIP and later only)
Complete Writers Guidelines: FReq: RAHWRITE
Complete Distributor Info: FReq: RAHDIST

Random Access Humor Page A-3 July 1993

RAH Gateway Systems:

Pooh's Corner Fells Point, MD. Sysop: Mark Truelove
FidoNet> 1:261/1131 (410) 327-9263 14400 (V.32bis)
RBBSnet> 8:936/206 FilNet> 33:410/0 CandyNet> 42:1031/1

007LZ Southfield, MI. Sysop: Gary Groeller
FidoNet> 1:120/636 (313) 569-4454 14400 (V.32bis)
W-Net_fts> 66:636/1 CrossNet> 73:400/0 SOGNet> 91:91/2

H*A*L Muskogee, OK. Sysop: Lloyd Hatley
FidoNet> 1:3813/304 (918) 682-7337 14400 (V.32bis)
RFNet> 73:102/1 RANet> 72:918/21 LuvNet> 77:101/1
DoorNet> 75:7918/205

The Shop Mail Only Flushing, NY. Sysop: Steve Matzura
FidoNet> 1:2603/203 (718) 460-0201 14400 (V.32bis)
ADAnet> 94:7180/1 JayNet> 17:99/100 WorldNet 62:4400/200
MusicNet.FTN> 88:8001/12
Cyberdrome Philadelphia, PA. Sysop: Mike Taylor
FidoNet> 1:273/937 (215) 923-8026 14400 (V.32bis)
PodsNet> 93:9600/2

Abiogenesis Kansas City, MO. Sysop: Scott Lent
FidoNet> 1:280/310 (816) 734-4732 14400 (V.32bis)
VirNet> 9:103/110 MailNet> 20:416/310 SuperNet> 43:1315/102

Datanet BBS Voorschoten, Netherlands Sysop: Ed Bakker
FidoNet> 2:281/101 31-71-617784 14400 (V.32bis)
Digital-Net> 15:200/512 MomNet> 71:2000/2

Parity BBS Ocean Isle, NC. Sysop: Pat Finnerty
FidoNet> 1:3627/107 (919) 579-1672 14400 (HST/Dual)
EchoNet> 50:5018/107 RANet> 72:919/20

SoftCom Online Istanbul, Turkey Sysop: Tolga Yurderi
FidoNet> 2:430/1 90-1-2655079 14400 (V.32bis)
GlobalNet> 52:9000/1 IntlNet> 57:90/1 HiTNeT> 102:1001/5

RAH Official Distribution Sites:

The Flying Circus Highett 3:635/555 61-3-532-5224 V.32bis

-= CANADA =-
Typecast BBS Kingston 1:249/107 (613) 545-9148 V.32bis

Random Access Humor Page A-4 July 1993

BIB Aalten Aalten 2:283/401 31-54-3774203 V.32bis
BBS Sussudio Denhaag 2:281/517 31-70-3212177 V.32bis
TouchDown Hoofddorp 2:280/401 31-2503-24677 HST/Dual
Bommel's BBS Schiedam 2:285/800 31-10-4700939 V.32bis
Pleasure BBS Utrecht 2:281/705 31-30-934123 V.32bis
Datanet BBS Voorschoten 2:281/101 31-71-617784 V.32bis

R.I.S.P. Ljubljana 2:380/103 38-61-199400 V.32bis

-= TURKEY =-
SoftCom Online Istanbul 2:430/1 90-1-2655079 V.32bis

J & J Online Chickasaw 1:3625/440 (205) 457-5901 V.32bis
Digital Publ. Assoc Birmingham (NoFido) (205) 854-1660 V.32bis

InfoMat BBS San Clemente (NoFido) (714) 492-8727 HST/Dual
Automation Central San Jose 1:143/110 (408) 435-2886 V.32bis
The Software Station Saugus 1:102/1106 (805) 296-9056 V.32
Marin County Net Sausalito 1:125/55 (415) 331-6241 HST/Dual

The Software Cuisine Miami 1:135/57 (305) 642-0754 V.32bis
Flamingo Ventures Pensacola 1:3612/320 (904) 478-7716 V.32bis

Casa de la Chinchilla Honolulu (NoFido) (808) 845-1303 HST/Dual

The Crossroads BBS Chicago 1:115/743 (312) 587-8756 HST/Dual
The Loonatic Fringe Elk Grove 1:115/542 (708) 290-8877 V.32

Digicom Evansville 1:2310/200 (812) 479-1310 HST/Dual

Wit-Tech Baltimore 1:261/1082 (410) 256-0170 V.32bis
Outside the Wall Baltimore 1:261/1093 (410) 665-1855 V.32
The File Exchange Cockeysville 1:2617/104 (410) 628-7243 HST/Dual
Pooh's Corner Fells Point 1:261/1131 (410) 327-9263 V.32bis
The Puffin's Nest Pasadena 1:261/1129 (410) 437-3463 V.32bis

CALnet @node.1 Detroit 1:2410/120 (313) 836-8275 V.32
007LZ Southfield 1:120/636 (313) 569-4454 V.32bis

Ranch & Cattle South Columbus (NoFido) (601) 328-6486 V.32bis

Abiogenesis Kansas City 1:280/310 (816) 734-4732 V.32bis

Random Access Humor Page A-5 July 1993

New Mexico
High Mesa Publishing Los Lunas 1:301/1 (505) 865-8385 V.32
Paula's House of Mail Los Lunas 1:301/301 (505) 865-4082 HST

New York
The Shop Mail Only Flushing 1:2603/203 (mail only) V.32bis
The Wall-2 Middle Village 1:278/612 (718) 335-8784 HST/Dual
Maj. Woody's Retreat New York 1:278/719 (212) 486-6281 V.32bis

North Carolina
Parity BBS Ocean Isle 1:3627/107 (919) 579-1672 HST/Dual

Storyboard Yellow Springs 1:110/210 (513) 767-7896 V.32bis

H*A*L Muskogee 1:3813/304 (918) 682-7337 V.32bis

Bitter Butter Better Tigard 1:105/290 (503) 620-0307 V.32

Cyberdrome Philadelphia 1:273/937 (215) 923-8026 V.32bis
Milliways Pittsburgh 1:129/179 (412) 766-1086 HST/Dual

Sunlight Thru Shadows Addison (NoFido) (214) 620-8793 V.32bis
Incredible BBS Burleson 1:130/82 (817) 447-2598 HST/Dual

Vital Signs Midvale 1:311/20 (801) 255-8909 V.32bis

Data Empire Fredericksburg 1:274/31 (703) 785-0422 V.32
Flying Dutchman Newport News 1:271/237 (804) 595-9383 V.32bis
The Time Machine Newport News 1:271/236 (804) 599-6401 HST/Dual

Spokane Online Spokane 1:346/20 (509) 327-8540 V.32bis
Dragon's Cave Tacoma 1:138/198 (206) 752-4160 V.32bis

The First Step BBS Green Bay 1:139/540 (414) 499-0659 V.32bis

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