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R a N d O m A c C e S s H u M o R RAH! RAH!

Volume 0 Number 3 December 1992

A rag-tag collection of fugitive humor, some of which
is vaguely related to the BBS/Online System world.

Editor: Dave Bealer

Copyright 1992 Dave Bealer, All Rights Reserved

Random Access Humor is an irregular production of:

VaporWare Communications
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Sillycon Valley, CA. 80486-DX2
USA, Earth, Sol System, Milky Way

VaporWare Communications is an operating division of VaporWare
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Luther Lecks
President, Chief Egomaniac Officer

Dorian Debacle, M.B.A. Gabriel Escargot
V.P., Operations V.P., Customer Service

Pav Bhaji, M.Tax.(Avoidance) Carlos Goebbels
V.P., Finance V.P., Political Correctness

Kung Pao Har Hoo, M.D., Ph.D., D.Sc. F.A.C.S, C.P.A., S.P.C.A.,
Y.M.C.A., L.E.D., Q.E.D., op. cit., et al.
V.P., Research & Development

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The "look and feel" of Random Access Humor has been specifically
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Vinnie "The Knife" Calamari.


TABLE OF INCONTINENCE:
Editorial - Attack of the Holiday Modemers.........................01
Cereal Communications 101..........................................02
Online Song Book: The Twisted Pairs................................03
My Computer and I..................................................05
'Twas the Night Before Installation................................06
Taglines Seen Around the Nets......................................07
Masthead - Submission Information.................................A-1

Random Access Humor Page 1 December 1992

Editorial - Attack of the Holiday Modemers
by Dave Bealer

According to a recent statistic the online world gains about 9000 new
users each day. This statistic is merely an average. A large share
of these new users flood into the online world around the holidays,
having received a modem as a present.

Unfortunate timing, since this is precisely the time of year when the
sysops, those crisis counselors of the online world, are most likely
to be distracted from their hotlines by bothersome family matters.

New modemers are easy to spot, since they fumble around a system like
a freshly decapitated chicken. Their posts, when they finally
discover the E)nter Message command, are usually something along the
lines of the following:

"Send me mail!"

"How do I download, and where is the pirate software?"

"Where is the 'ANY' key?"

Obviously many holiday modemers received their new modem as part of a
package deal with an equally new PC. These folks haven't even
mastered DOS yet, and are woefully unprepared for the challenge of
serial communications with distant computers.

On other matters, the FidoNet Nodelist Monster has swallowed Net 261
(Baltimore, Maryland) whole again. NODELIST.332 does not include
*any* of the nearly eighty FidoNet systems in Baltimore. This mess
effectively disables 25% of RAH distribution systems. Godzilla has
been summoned from his retirement home inside Mount Pinatubo in the
Philippines and is expected to make the Monster disgorge his ill-
gotten meal. With any luck Baltimore will be back for a triumphant
return in NODELIST.339.

This edition of RAH has somehow turned into the computer poetry and
song issue. Speaking of songs, did you hear that the Clinton
Administration is going to replace "Hail to the Chief" with "Dueling
Banjos?" I am still amazed that the people of this country elected a
president from the Land of Inbreeding. Sorry...the politically
correct term is Land of the Genetically Challenged.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Sound Byte:

What's the difference between a virus and Windoze?
- A virus always works.
- A virus does not occupy *all* available disk space.
- A virus is less annoying.
- A virus doesn't ask for original disks.

Random Access Humor Page 2 December 1992

Cereal Communications 101
by Dave Bealer

With the PC industry unit counter approaching "Over 100 Million
Served" it seems appropriate to discuss one of the most common
elements of any modern PC, the cereal ports.

The earliest personal computers where fruit-based, with the majority
being Apples. These early machines although personal, were
definitely not personable, and rarely communicated with other
computers. Some of them actually had printers attached locally
through parallel ports, which transmit all 8 bits in a byte of data
simultaneously. Parallel ports were fine for slow, early PCs. Hook
one up to a flame throwing 486 with a static memory cache bigger than
the back forty, however, and a parallel port ends up looking a lot
like the Los Angeles Freeways at rush hour, and it's just as speedy.

The device which revolutionized PC communications is called the
Universal Asynchronous Receiver/Transmitter, or UART. To me this
acronym always sounds like an American actress from the deep south
trying to do Shakespeare: "Romeo! Romeo! Where U-ART thou, Romeo?"
The first UARTS were made from farina, and turned out to be slightly
runny under many conditions.

As technology advanced, oatmeal UARTS made their appearance, which
had lots of body and were less prone to breakdown under hard use.
Modern UARTS are usually constructed of some form of bran medium and
constitute "high fiber" communications. This medium was found to be
most effective when formed as a series of rings.

When networking, cereal communications were found to be more
effective when the media rings were laced with orange, lemon and
cherry artificial flavorings. This type of network came to be known
as a "fruit loop," although the officially adopted name was Toucan
Ring Network.

UART technology continues to advance quickly. Industrial Smoke and
Mirrors, the hardware division of VaporWare Corp., is currently
working on a new super-high speed UART. It is called the
ISM16555550MCT, and is a milk-cooled, turbo-charged UART. Early
testing has yielded transfer rates of almost 256KB/sec. The major
limitation is the requirement for a super-conducting transmission
medium. Dr. Hoo, Director of Research for ISM, has revealed that a
new form of super-conducting strawberry licorice whip is being
developed in the ISM labs.

Random Access Humor Page 3 December 1992

Online Song Book: The Twisted Pairs
by Dave Bealer

Almost everyone is familiar with how computers are influencing the
musical arts. MIDI hardware and software proliferate. Some it is
even affordable.

What many are only now becoming aware of is the influence that
computers are having on the *content* of song lyrics. The following
are some lyrics from the increasing popular folk-rock group, The
Twisted Pairs.

Online America
by the Twisted Pairs

(* Sung to the tune of "America" by Paul Simon. *)

Let us be sysops,
We'll marry our modems together.
I've got some shareware
On my C: drive.
So we bought a pack of floppy disks,
And Procomm for Windows,
And logged on
To Online America.
"Kathy," I said,
As we Freq'ed some files from Pittsburgh,
"BinkleyTerm seems like a dream to me now.
It took me four tries
To logon to Maximus.
Welcome to Online America."

Laughing at the twits,
Playing games in the doors,
She said the man with 286
Was a spy.
I said "Be careful,
His upload is really a virus".
"Toss me a floppy disk,
I think there's one in my raincoat."
"We filled the last one
An hour ago."

So I looked at the user list,
She read the system log;
And a user hacked into our system.
"Kathy, we're lost," I said,
And I knew she was weeping.
"C:'s empty and it's shaking and
I don't know why."
Counting the callers
On the New Jersey Chat Line.
They've all called
Online America.
All called Online America.

Random Access Humor Page 4 December 1992

The User
by The Twisted Pairs

(* Sung to the tune of "The Boxer" by Paul Simon *)

I am just a user
Though my modem seldom works,
I have squandered my phone bills
For a hard-drive full of software
What's this lunacy?
All games and GIFs,
Still a man D/Ls what he wants to use,
And disregards the rest.

Ignoring my home
And my family,
I am no more than a toy,
In the clutches of hackers
In the humming of the carrier
Running scared,
Paying tolls,
Seeking out the multiline boards
Where the power users go,
Looking for the systems
Only they would know.

In the clearing stands a user,
And a file-leech by his trade,
And he carries the reminders
Of every sysop who twitted him,
Or cut access till he cried out
In his anger and his shame,
"I am starting my own board."
But the user still remains.


Bridge Over Troubled Routers
by The Twisted Pairs

When you're bleary, the net is down.
When sleep is in your eyes, the pager goes off.
Who's on your side, when times get tough?
When backups can't be found,
Like a bridge over troubled routers
I will save your butt.

Like a bridge over troubled routers
I will save your butt.

When you're down and out,
When you're offline,
When throughput drops so hard
I will comfort you.
I'll take your part,
When downtime comes.

Random Access Humor Page 5 December 1992

When blame is all around,
Like a bridge over troubled routers
I will save your butt.

That new net version,
Bring it up,
Your time has come to shine,
All your users on their way.
See how they smile.
If you need a break
I'm logging on right now.

Like a bridge over troubled routers
I will save your butt.
Like a bridge over troubled routers
I will save your butt.


Of course, most musically aware people remember The Twisted Pairs'
first big hit, the science fiction ballad, "You Can Call Me HAL".
---------------------------------------------------------------------
My Computer And I
by Bettie Dendekker (Fido 1:271/236)

My computer and I don't see eye to eye;
It thinks that it's perfect, you see.
Which causes such stress (enough to depress)
When it says, "I have no drive c:"

I panic! I scream! You silly machine!
Enough of this kind of talk!
The drive's in its slot (don't tell me it's not)!
Do you think it went out for a walk?

Please try once again, my dear little friend.
I feel that you've just overlooked it.
Take a good look around; it's sure to be found
You mindless, electronic nitwit!

While I sit befuddled, the computer (unruffled)
Disdains and ignores me completely.
It digs its toes in, (if it could, it would grin)
And repeats, "I have no drive c:"

I plead, I cajole, I offer my soul!
(By now, I'm becoming quite desperate.)
I offer it bribes--two more floppy drives!
Find c:, I really do need it!

That fiend with a screen is loathsome and mean,
It cares not one whit about me.
I swear I hear chortles, remarks about "mortals",
And STILL it won't find drive c:

Random Access Humor Page 6 December 1992

I'm beaten, I know it, but darned if I'll show it!
I push retry just to annoy.
As I live and breathe, do my eyes deceive?
There's DOS! Oh, rapturous joy!

Wait a minute, I cry! You're caught in a lie!
Explain this discrepancy to me!
It says not a word to explain the absurd.
It thinks that it's perfect, you see.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
'Twas The Night Before Installation

(From an anonymous printout from somewhere in California)

'Twas the night before installation,
And all through the shop,
Not a program was working,
It sure was a flop.
The programmers hung by their tubes in despair,
In hope that a miracle soon would be there.

The users were nestled all snug in their beds
While visions of inquiries danced in their heads.
When out in the hall there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter.
And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a Super-Programmer (with a six-pack of beer).

His resume glowed with experience so rare,
He turned out great code with a bit-pusher's flair.
More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name:
On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete!
On Batch! On Closing! On Functions Complete!

His eyes were glazed over, fingers nimble and lean,
From weekends and nights in front of a screen.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Turning specs into code; then turned with a jerk,
And laying a finger upon the "Enter" key,
The system came up and worked perfectly.

The Updates updated, the Deletes, they deleted;
The inquiries inquired, and Closing completed.
He tested each whistle and each bell,
with nary an abend, and all had gone well.

The system was finished, the tests were concluded;
The users' last changes were even included.
And the users exclaimed with a snarl and a taunt,
"It's just what I asked for, but not what I want!"

Random Access Humor Page 7 December 1992

--- Taglines Seen (by Dave and Robin Kirkey) Around the Nets

SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .

I call things as I see them; If I didn't see them, I make them up!

Open mouth, insert foot, echo internationally.

Docs? Why would I want to look at the Docs. Nurses are better 🙂

Tag line thievery ... On the next Geraldo!

"Could you continue your petty bickering? I find it most intriguing."

Drop your carrier ... we have you surrounded!

We now return to our regularly scheduled flame-throwing.

Do what you will with this tagline, just don't bother me about it!

A feature is a bug with seniority.

Not tonight, dear. I have a modem.

Two most common elements in the universe: Hydrogen & Stupidity.

Illiterate? Write for FREE HELP!

DOS never says "EXCELLENT command or filename"...

If it wasn't for C, we would be using BASI, PASAL and OBOL!

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

File not found, I'll load something *I* think is interesting.

Practice safe fax...ALWAYS use a cover slip.

BRAIN.COM file closed. (A)rgue (R)etry (F)orget It

The dead outnumber the living more than 30 to 1.

Support safe housing; use condos.

Jesus Saves! Passes to Moses, He shoots. He SCORES!

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you!

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Random Access Humor Page A-1 December 1992

Random Access Humor Masthead:

Editor: Dave Bealer

Acting Deputy Assistant Editor: Scott White

Contact: The Puffin's Nest BBS
FidoNet: 1:261/1129
Internet: f1129.n261.z1.fidonet.org
BBS: (410) 437-3463 (1200-14400/V.32bis)

Regular Mail: (Only if you have no other way to reach us!)
Random Access Humor
c/o Dave Bealer
P.O. Box 595
Pasadena, MD. 21122 USA

Random Access Humor (RAH) is published monthly by Dave Bealer as a
disservice to the online community. Although the publisher's BBS may
be a part of one or more networks at any time, RAH is not affiliated
with any BBS network or online service. RAH is a compilation of
individual articles contributed by their authors. The contribution
of articles to this compilation does not diminish the rights of the
authors. The opinions expressed in RAH are those of the author(s)
and are not necessarily the opinions of the publisher.

Random Access Humor is Copyright 1992 Dave Bealer. All Rights
Reserved. Duplication and/or distribution is permitted for non-
commercial purposes only. Any system which charges hourly connect
fees is obviously commercial. Any system which charges more than $5
per month ($60/year) for download privileges is also considered to be
a commercial system for these purposes and may not distribute RAH.
RAH may not be distributed on diskette or in hardcopy form for a fee.
For any other use, contact the publisher.

RAH may only be distributed in unaltered form. Online systems whose
users cannot access the original binary archive file may offer it for
viewing or download in text format, provided the original text is not
modified. Users may produce hard copies of RAH or backup copies on
diskette only for their own personal use. RAH may not be distributed
in combination with any other publication or product.

Many of the brands and products mentioned in RAH are trademarks of
their respective owners.

Copies of the current issue of RAH may be obtained by manual download
or Wazoo/EMSI File Request from The Puffin's Nest BBS (FREQ: RAH), or
from various sites in several BBS networks. Back issues of RAH may
be obtained by download or file request from The Puffin's Nest BBS.

Article contributions to RAH are always welcome. All submissions
must be made electronically. File attach your article to a netmail
message to Dave Bealer at 1:261/1129. E-mail may also be sent via
Internet to: [email protected]

Random Access Humor Page A-2 December 1992

Tagline and filler submissions may be made via e-mail. Article
submissions should be made via file. Submitted files must be plain
ASCII text files in normal MS-DOS file format: artname.RAH; where
artname is a descriptive file name and RAH is the mandatory
extension. Your text should be less than 70 columns across for
widest readability. If your article does not conform to these simple
specs, it may get lost or trashed. Also note that such imaginative
names as RAH.RAH might get overlaid by the blatherings of similarly
minded contributors. If your hardware is incapable of producing file
names in the proper format, you may send your article as one or more
e-mail messages. It will not be possible to make private responses
to any submissions or correspondence received.

The editors reserve the right to publish or not to publish any
submission as/when they see fit. The editors also reserve the right
to "edit", or modify any submission prior to publication. This last
right will rarely be used, typically only to correct spelling or
grammar misteaks that are not funny. RAH is a PG rated publication,
so keep it (mostly) clean.

RAH can accept only the following types of material for publication:
1) Any material in the public domain.
2) Material for which you own the copyright. If you wrote it
yourself, you are automatically the copyright holder.
3) Authorized agents for a copyright holder (typically an
organization) may submit material on behalf of that holder.

In writing jargon, RAH is deemed to be given "One Time Rights" to
anything submitted for publication unless otherwise noted in the
message accompanying the contribution. You still own the material,
and RAH will make no use of the material other than publishing it
electronically in the usual manner. If you want your copyright
notice to appear in your article, place it as desired in the text
you submit. Previously published articles may be submitted, but
proper acknowledgement must be included: periodical name, date of
previous publication.

RAH Distribution System:
(Sites bearing the designation will accept your
contributions and forward them to the editors.)
(All these systems would be good places to find sysops with a sense
of humor...seemingly a rarity these days.)

The Puffin's Nest Pasadena, MD. Sysop: Dave Bealer
FidoNet> 1:261/1129 (410) 437-3463 14400 (V.32bis)
SailNet> 53:5000/1129 CinemaNet> 68:1410/101
(RAH Publication Site)
Current RAH Issue: FReq: RAH
Back Issues of RAH: FReq: RAHmmyy.ZIP
Complete Writers Guidelines: FReq: RAHWRITE
Complete Distributor Info: FReq: RAHDIST

Random Access Humor Page A-3 December 1992

RAH Gateway Systems:

My House -=FBBS=- Cheasapeake, VA. Sysop: Scott White
FidoNet> 1:275/6 (804) 424-0394 14400 (V.32bis)
RaceNet> 73:108/1 4X4Net> 44:2600/6 SportsNet> 73:108/6
RecoveryNet> 12:2600/6 Flynet> 196:30/0 PetNet> 73:108/6
InterSports> 103:1032/0

Pooh's Corner Fells Point, MD. Sysop: Mark Truelove
FidoNet> 1:261/1131 (410) 327-9263 14400 (V.32bis)
RBBSnet> 8:936/206 FilNet> 33:410/0 CandyNet> 42:1031/1


The Depths of Hell Bayonne, NJ. Sysop: Eric Knorowski
FidoNet> 1:107/813 (201) 437-5706 14400 (HST)
FishNet> 21:102/101 CandyNet> 42:1011/1 ChateauNet> 100:5801/100


007LZ Southfield, MI. Sysop: Gary Groeller
FidoNet> 1:120/636 (313) 569-4454 14400 (V.32bis)
W-Net_fts> 66:636/1

The Edge of Sanity Dearborn, MI. Sysop: Tom Smith
FidoNet> 1:2410/279 (313) 584-1253 9600 (V.32)
SogNet> 91:7/4279

H*A*L Muskogee, OK. Sysop: Lloyd Hatley
FidoNet> 1:3813/304 (918) 682-7337 14400 (V.32bis)
RFNet> 73:102/1 RANet> 72:918/21 LuvNet> 77:101/1
DoorNet> 75:7918/205

The Shop Mail Only Flushing, NY Sysop: Steve Matzura
FidoNet> 1:2603/203 (718) 460-0201 14400 (V.32bis)
ADAnet> 94:7180/1 JayNet> 17:99/100 WorldNet 62:4400/200
MusicNet.FTN> 88:8001/12

RAH Official Distribution Sites:

Automation Central San Jose, CA. Sysop: Radi Shourbaji
FidoNet> 1:143/110 (408) 435-2886 14400 (V.32bis)

Wit-Tech Baltimore, MD. Sysop: Doug Wittich
FidoNet> 1:261/1082 (410) 256-0170 14400 (V.32bis)

Incredible BBS Burleson, TX. Sysop: Don Teague
FidoNet> 1:130/82 (817) 447-2598 9600 (V.32)

Milliways Pittsburgh, PA. Sysop: David Cole
FidoNet> 1:129/179 (412) 766-1086 14400 (HST/Dual)

Supernova BBS Scotstown, Quebec Sysop: Ian Hall-Beyer
FidoNet> 1:257/40 (819) 657-4603 2400

Random Access Humor Page A-4 December 1992

Data Empire Fredericksburg, VA. Sysop: Richard Hellmer
FidoNet> 1:274/31 (703) 785-0422 2400


Outside the Wall Baltimore, MD. Sysop: Rob Novak
FidoNet> 1:261/1093 (410) 665-1855 9600 (V.32)