**** FEAR NO MAN (Advertisement) ****
**** From Monty Python's Brand New Papperbok ****
**** Transcribed by Evil Dondi ( [email protected] ) ****
FEAR NO MAN!
I'll make you a MASTER of LLAP-Goch, ...the Secret Welsh ART of SELF
DEFENCE that requires NO INTELLIGENCE, STRENGTH or PHYSICAL courage. The
FANTASTIC SECRETS of the SECRET world-famous method of SELF DEFENCE, kept
secret for centuries because of their DEADLY POWER to MAIM, KILL, SMASH,
BATTER, FRACTURE, CRUSH, DISMEMBER, CRACK, DISEMBOWEL, CRIPPLE, SNAP and
HARM are now revealed to YOU in the English Language by a LLAP-GOCH
master AT HIS OWN RISK, PROVIDED you promise to MAIM, CRUSH, DISEMBOWEL
and so on ONLY in SELF DEFENCE. (This is just to cover ourselves, as you
WHY "At his own risk?"
BECAUSE if his fellow masters of LLAP-GOCH DISCOVER his IDENTITY, they
will PUNISH HIM SEVERELY for revealing the DEADLY secrets he had promised
to keep SECRET, without giving them a piece of the ACTION, and also
BECAUSE of the TERRIBLE risk of PUNISHMENT he runs under the Trades
WHAT is LLAP-GOCH?
IT is THE most DEADLY form OF SECRET self-DEFENCE that HAS ever been
widely advertised and available to EVERYONE.
WHY ALL the CAPITALS?
Because THE most likely kind OF person TO answer THIS sort OF advertise-
ment HAS less trouble under-STANDING words if they ARE written in BIG
WHAT is LLAP-GOCH again?
It is an ANCIENT Welsh ART based on a BRILLIANTLY simple I-D-E-A, which
is a SECRET. The best form of DEFENCE is ATTACK (Clausewitz) and the
most VITAL element of ATTACK is SURPRISE (Oscar HAMMERstein). Therefore,
the BEST way to protect yourself AGAINST any ASSAILANT is to ATTACK him
before he attacks YOU... Or BETTER... BEFORE the THOUGHT of doing so has
EVEN OCCURRED TO HIM!!! SO YOU MAY BE ABLE TO RENDER YOUR ASSAILANT
UNCONSCIOUS BEFORE he is EVEN aware of your very existence!
No longer need you feel WEAK, helpless, INDECISIVE, NOT fascinating and
ASHAMED of your genital dimensions. No more need you be out-manoeuvred
in political debate!! GOOD BYE HUMILIATION, wisecracking bullies, Karate
experts, boxing champions, sarcastic vicars, traffic wardens; entire
panzer divisions will melt to pulp as you master every situation without
INADEQUACY. PROTECT YOUR LOVED ONES. You will no longer look pitiful
and spotty to your GIRL FRIENDS when you leave some unsuspecting passer-
by looking like four tins of cat food! They will admire your MASTERY and
DECISIVENESS and LACK OF INADEQUACY and will almost certainly let you put
your HAND inside their BLOUSE out of sheer ADMIRATION. And after seeing
more of your expert disabling they'll almost definately go to bed with
you, although obviously we can't ABSOLUTELY guarantee this, still it's
extremely likely and would make learning LLAP-GOCH really worthwhile al-
though legally we can't PROMISE anything.
Why WELSH Art?
LLAP-GOCH was developed in Wales because for the average Welshman, the
best prospects of achieving a reasonable standard of living lie with the
acquisition of the most efficient techniques of armed robbery.
HOW do I learn?
No, you mean "How do YOU Learn." I know already.
HOW do You Learn?
You receive ABSOLUTELY FREE your own special personal LLAP-GOCH Picture
Book with hundreds of PHOTOGRAPHS and just a very few plain, clear and
simple, easy to understand words. Only a FOUR-SECOND WORK-OUT Each Day!
And you will be ready to HARM people!
* DEVELOP UP TO 38" BICEPS
* GROW UP TO 12" TALLER
* LOSE UP TO 40" OF FAT IN YOUR FIRST WORK-OUT!
* PROLONG YOUR LIFE BY UP TO 1,000 YEARS
* GO TO BED WITH UP TO ANY LUDICROUS NUMBER OF GIRLS YOU CARE TO THINK OF
PROVIDING YOU REALIZE THIS STATEMENT IS QUITE MEANINGLESS AS THE PHRASE
"UP TO" CLEARLY INCLUDES THE NUMBER "NOUGHT."
WHAT Does it Cost?
This, like LLAP-GOCH, is a SECRET but you will find out sooner or later,
don't worry. MAIL DARING HAIR-RAISING MONEY-SAVING HALF-PRICE NO-RISK
FREE-TRIAL COUPON NOW!
O.K. Hounourable Master, I accept your daring, hair-raising, mind-
boggling, blood-curdling, no-risk, half-price, free-trial offer to reveal
the secrets of LLAP-GOCH in a plain wrapper at once. Yes Master, I never
again want to be 'Weak In The Knees' and 'Chicken Out' and 'Wet My Pants'
when insulted and attacked. I agree never to abuse the principles of
LLAP-GOCH or consult a lawyer. I am over 4. I have an extra Y chromo-
some. Bill me later. I understand that if I am not completely satisfied
I have been had.
NAME _________________ AGE __ ADDRESS _____________
CITY _______________ STATE ____________ ZIP _______
Please also enroll me under your special Car Insurance Scheme. I under-
stand that I do not have to sign anything to make this completely binding
**** end of file LLAPGOCH PYTHON 5/10/87 ****