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**** The Bridgekeeper Scene from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" ****
**** Transcribed from memory by Bret Shefter '89 ([email protected]) ****
**** in yet another of his weird moods on 3/25/86 ****
**** Revised to 99.314156% accuracy with the tape by ****
**** Malcolm Dickinson '89 ([email protected]) on 12/1/86. ****

**** This is transcript #14 in the film ****
**** and is continued, with a slight time lapse, from GRENADE PYTHON ****


Narrator: As the horrendous black beast lunged forward, escape for Arthur and
his knights seemed hopeless. When suddenly, the animator suffered a
fatal heart attack! The cartoon peril was no more. The quest for
the Holy Grail could continue.

( Arthur and his knights are hacking their way through thick underbrush
when suddenly... )

Arthur: There it is! The Bridge of Death!
Robin: (in despair) Oh, great.
Arthur: Look! There's the old man from Scene 24!
Bedevere: What is he doing here?
Arthur: He is the keeper of the Bridge of Death. He asks each traveller
five questions--
Galahad: Three questions--
Arthur: Three questions. He who answers the five questions--
Galahad: Three questions--
Arthur: (perturbed) --three questions, may cross in safety.
Robin: What if you get a question wrong?
Arthur: Then you are cast...into the Gorge of Eternal Peril!!!
Robin: Oh, I won't go!
Galahad: Who's going to answer the questions?
Arthur: Sir Robin!
Robin: (suprised) Yes?
Arthur: (continuing) Brave Sir Robin, you go.

(pause)

Robin: Hey...I've got a great idea! Why doesn't Launcelot go?
Launcelot: Yes, let me go, my liege. I will take it singlehanded.
(about to draw sword) I shall make a feint to the North-East, and
then--
Arthur: No, no, no... hang on, hang on, hang on!
*Just* answer the five questions--
Galahad: Three questions--
Arthur: Three questions as best you can, and we shall watch. And pray.
Launcelot: (sheathing sword) I understand, my liege.
Arthur: Good luck, brave Sir Launcelot! God be with you!

(Launcelot approaches the bridge. Suddenly, the BRIDGEKEEPER speaks. )

Bridgekeeper: (cackling nastily)
STOP!
Who would cross the Bridge of Death
Must answer me
These questions three
Ere the other side he see.
Launcelot: (stoically) Ask me your questions, Bridgekeeper. I am not afraid!
Bridgekeeper: (cackling all the while) What...is your name?
Lancelot: My name is Sir Lancelot of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper: What...is your quest?
Lancelot: To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What...is your favorite color?
Lancelot: Blue.
Bridgekeeper: Right, off you go.

(pause)

Lancelot: (realizing that was it) Oh, thank you. Thank you very much!

(and off he goes. The knights look at each other.)

Robin: That's EASY!!!
(A mad rush for the bridge. Robin arrives first. The knights cluster behind.
A few sniff and wrinkle their noses, and the group backs off.)

Bridgekeeper: STOP!
Who approacheth the Bridge of Death
Must answer me
These questions three
Ere the other side he see.
Robin: (excitedly) Ask me the questions, Bridgekeeper, I am not afraid.
Bridgekeeper: What...is your name?
Robin: Sir Robin of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper: What...is you quest?
Robin: To seek the Holy Grail!
Bridgekeeper: What...is the capital of Assyria?

(pause)

Robin: (indignant) I don't know THAT!! (An unseen force whisks him up and over
the side.) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

(The knights pause, realizing this may be a bit tougher than all that.)

**** Note: The following bit was cut from the movie. ****

Bedevere: What shall we do, sire?
Arthur: Well, I'm not sure, but...
Bridgekeeper: (off) What...goes black, white, black, white, black, white?
Sir Gawain: (off) Uh...er...ah...Babylon? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

**** Movie resumes. ****

( Galahad approaches the bridge. )

Bridgekeeper: STOP!
What...is your name?
Galahad: Sir Galahad of Camelot!
Bridgekeeper: What...is your quest?
Galahad: I seek the Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What...is your favorite color?
Galahad: (relieved) Blue! (starts across; oops) No! YELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW!!!!

(Arthur steps forward... the Bridgekeeper cackles some more.)

Bridgekeeper: STOP!
Bridgekeeper: What...is *your* name?
Arthur: It is Arthur, King of the Britons!
Bridgekeeper: What...is your quest?
Arthur: To seek the Holy Grail!
Bridgekeeper: What...is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?
Arthur: (brief pause) What do you mean, an African or European swallow?
Bridgekeeper: (confused) Huh? What? I...I don't know that...
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUGGHHHHHHH!
(he is thrown into the Gorge of Eternal Peril.)
Arthur crosses the bridge.
Bedevere: (crossing behind Arthur) How do you know so much about swallows?
Arthur: Well, you have to know these sorts of things when you're a
king, you know...


**** Note: The following bit was *also* cut from the movie. ****

(Arthur and Bedevere approach a gigantic lake.
A boat in the shape of a dragon glides slowly
towards them. As they prepare to cross, the
same old man suddenly appears before them.)
Boat-keeper: STOP!
He who would cross the Sea of Fate
Must answer me these questions twenty-eight!
(Arthur and Bedevere look at each other. They look at the old man. They look
back at each other. They pick the old man up, throw him in the water, and
board the ship.)

**** Here ends the bit that was cut from the movie, and with it the ****
**** file BRIDGE PYTHON, transcript #14 from the film, ****
**** and with IT, the MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL transcript series. ****