Dec 062017
 
A collection of lawyer bashing jokes.
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A collection of lawyer bashing jokes.
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An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for
a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation.
The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of
questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer
excused himself, and made a series of measurements and
calculations before returning to the board room and announcing,
"Four." The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the
same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused
himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research.
After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards
and many calculations, he also announced "Four." The lawyer was
interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end
of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all
the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone
was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked
"How much do you want it to be?"

Following a distinguished legal career, a man arrived at the
Gates of Heaven, accompanied by the Pope, who had the misfortune
to expire on the same day. The Pope was greeted first by St.
Peter, who escorted him to his quarters. The room was somewhat
shabby and small, similar to that found in a low-grade Motel
6-type establishment. The lawyer was then taken to his room,
which was a palatial suite including a private swimming pool, a
garden, and a terrace overlooking the Gates. The attorney was
somewhat taken aback, and told St. Peter, "I'm really quite
surprised at these rooms, seeing as how the Pope was given such
small accommodations." St. Peter replied, "We have over a
hundred Popes here, and we're really very bored with them. We've
never had a lawyer."

Q: Do you know how to save five drowning lawyers?
A: No.
Reply: Good!

Q: Why don't snakes bite attorneys?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: Why do male attorneys usually wear tight shirt collars and
ties?
A: It keeps their foreskins from creeping up and covering their
faces.

Q: How can you tell that an attorney is about to lie?
A: His lips begin to move.

Q: How can you tell the difference between an attorney lying
dead in the road and a coyote lying dead in the road?
A: With the coyote, you usually see skid marks.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?

An attorney passed on and found himself in Heaven, but not at all
happy with his accommodations. He complained to St. Peter, who
told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment.
The attorney immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but
was then told that he would be waiting at least three years
before his appeal could be heard. The attorney protested that a
three-year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf
ears. The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him
that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few
days, if the attorney was willing to change venue to Hell. When
the attorney asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in
Hell, he was told, "We have all of the judges."

As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a
plan that would allow him to take at least some of his
considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he
trusted most - his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He
told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I
die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin
so that I can try to take it with me." All three agreed to do
this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached
the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside. While riding
in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said "I have to
confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good
churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do
this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took
$10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put
$20,000 in the coffin." The physician then said, "Well, since
we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I
didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a
disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very
new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford
it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that
I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would
have wanted me to do that." The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed
of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held
my personal check for the full $30,000."

The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will
no longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their
place, they will use attorneys. They have given three reasons
for this decision:
1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats.
2. The medical researchers don't become as emotionally attached
to the attorneys as they did to the rats.
3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats
won't do.

A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He
asked "Give it to me straight. How long have I got?" The
physician replied that he doubted that his patient would survive
the night. The man then said "Call for my lawyer." When the
lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one
side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man
then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for
several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The
man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side, and I
thought I'd check out the same way."

Q: What do you get if you send the Godfather to law school?
A: An offer you can't understand.

Q: What do you get if you send a prostitute to law school?
A: A f***ing know-it-all.

Q: What do you call 400 lawyers at the bottom of the Pacific
Ocean?
A: A great place to start.

Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in
a Porsche?
A: The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Q: Do you know why being a lawyer is the opposite of having
sex?
A: Because it's all bad and some is worse.

A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were dining at the
country club one day, and the conversation turned to the subject
of their respective dogs, which were apparently quite
extraordinary. A wager was placed on who had the most
intelligent dog. The physician offered to show his dog first,
and called to the parking lot, "Hippocrates, come!" Hippocrates
ran in, and was told by the doctor to do his stuff. Hippocrates
ran to the golf course and dug for a while, producing a number of
bones. He dragged the bones into the country club, and assembled
them into a complete, fully articulated human skeleton. The
physician patted Hippocrates on the head, and gave him a cookie
for his efforts. The architect was only marginally impressed,
and called for his dog, "Sliderule, come!" Sliderule ran in, and
was told to do his stuff. The dog immediately chewed the
skeleton to rubble, but reassembled the fragments into a scale
model of the Taj Mahal. The architect patted his dog and gave
him a cookie. The attorney watched the other two dogs, and
called "Bullshit, come!" Bullshit entered and was told to do his
stuff. Bullshit immediately sodomized the other two dogs, stole
their cookies, auctioned the Taj Mahal replica to the other club
members for his fee, and went outside to play golf.

Good News: A busload of lawyers ran off a cliff. The bus was
destroyed and there were no survivors.
Bad News: There were three empty seats.

Q: What do you have when you bury six lawyers up to their necks
in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A doberman pinscher.

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the
criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person
assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets
arrested, we call him a defense lawyer.

A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin
arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at
the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter started to escort him inside,
when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some
sort of mistake. "I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!" St.
Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering
the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case. When St.
Peter returned, he told the attorney, "I'm afraid that the
mistake must be yours, my son. We verified your age on the basis
of the number of hours you've billed to your clients, and you're
at least 108."

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting
forest pathways one day, when they collided at the point where
the pathways meet. They immediately began to argue with one
another as to who was at fault for the mishap. When the snake
remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be
given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been
blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the
collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of
being blind. The snake said that his greatest regret was the
loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his
reflection in water, and for that reason did not know exactly
what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared
that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help
each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head
to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was. The
snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit.
After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy
fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a
tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!" The rabbit was
much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the
favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a
few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy,
you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the
time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"

A man went into the Chamber of Commerce of a small town,
obviously desperate. He asked the man at the counter, "Is there
a criminal attorney in town?" The man replied, "Yes - but we
can't prove it yet."
A man walked into a curio shop and began to browse. He was
attracted to a brass rat on a shelf behind the counter. He asked
the shopkeeper for a price, and was told to make an offer.
Presently they agreed on a price, and the brass rat changed
hands. The shopkeeper warned the customer as he took the money,
"This sale is final. If you leave the shop with the brass rat, I
won't take it back under any circumstances." The customer agreed
and left with the rat. As he walked home, he noticed that a live
rat came scurrying out of an alley and began to follow him. Soon
there were more, all following him and milling bout his feet.
The man began to run, but the rats kept up, and more joined the
procession. After a few minutes, thousands of rats were chasing
after the man. The man ran frantically for the river, and threw
the brass rat into the water. The live rats followed the brass
rat, and soon all had drowned. The man returned to the curio
shop, and on seeing him enter, the shopkeeper shouted, "I told
you, the sale was final! You cannot return the brass rat!" The
customer replied, "That's no problem. I just wondered if you had
a brass lawyer in stock."

A police chief, a fire chief, and a city attorney were traveling
together by car to a municipal management conference in a distant
city. Their car broke down in a rural area, and they were forced
to seek shelter for the night at a nearby farmhouse. The farmer
welcomed them in, but cautioned them that there were only two
spare beds, and that one of them would have to sleep in the barn
with the farm animals. After a short conference, the police
chief agreed to take the barn. Shortly after retiring, a knock
was heard on the door of the farmhouse. The party inside
answered to find the police chief standing there, complaining
that he could not sleep. There were pigs in the barn, he said,
and he was reminded of the days when everyone called him a pig.
The fire chief then volunteered to exchange with the police
chief. A short time later, another knock was heard at the door.
The fire chief complained that the cows in the barn reminded him
of Mrs. O'Leary's cow that started the Chicago fire, and that
every time he started to go to sleep, he started to have a
fireman's worst nightmare, that of burning to death. The city
attorney, in desperation for sleep, then agreed to sleep in the
barn. This seemed like a good idea until a few minutes later,
when another knock was heard at the door. When the occupants
answered the door, there stood the very indignant cows and pigs.

A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a
headstone inscribed "Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man."
The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and
asked "Mommy, why did they bury two men there?"

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician
that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she
was not sure that it was such a good idea. The doctor asked, "Do
you enjoy it?" She said that she did. He asked, "Does it hurt
you?" She said that it didn't. The doctor then told her, "Well,
then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if
that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get
pregnant." The woman was mystified. She asked "You can get
pregnant from anal sex?" The doctor replied, "Of course. Where
do you think attorneys come from?"

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when Satan
appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a
proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the
rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues
will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of
money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul,
your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents,
and parents-in-law, and the souls of all your friends and law
partners." The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then
asked, "So, what's the catch?"

It was so cold last week that I saw several attorneys with their
hands in their own pockets.

Q: What's the difference between female prosecutors and
terrorists?
A: You can negotiate with terrorists.

A woman wrote to Dear Abby: I have a dilemma. I am about to get
married, but I haven't been totally honest with my fiance'. My
mother is a well-known madam, my father is a convict, and my
brother is a lawyer. My sister sells heroin to the children at
the school down the street. She started doing that after my
father got sent to prison for molesting her. I also have a
problem - I'm wanted in three states for embezzlement. Taking
all that into consideration, this is my question: how do I tell
my fiance' about my brother the lawyer?

A hitchhiker is standing on the roadside near the law school with
his thumb out. A motorist stops, and asks, "Are you a lawyer?"
He tells him that he is not. The motorist drives off. A second
motorist stops and asks, "Are you a lawyer?" He again replies
that he is not. The motorist drives off. A third motorist, this
time a striking, voluptuous blonde, stops, and asks, "Are you a
lawyer?" The hitchhiker says that he is. The girl tells him to
get in, and off they go. After a few minutes of admiring the
driver, the hitchhiker exclaims, "This is really something. I've
only been a lawyer for five minutes, and already I'm thinking
about screwing somebody!" NEVADA 1991-1992 SEASON AND BAG LIMIT ON ATTORNEYS

1. Any person with a valid Nevada hunting
license may harvest attorneys.

2. Attorneys may be taken with traps and
deadfalls. Currency may not be used
as bait.

3. Attorneys may not be killed with a
motorized vehicle. If accidentally
struck, the hunter should move the
carcass to the roadside, and proceed
to a car wash.

4. It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a
snowmobile, watercraft, or aircraft. Marked police vehicles
may be used as shooting platforms.

5. It is unlawful to shout, "WHIPLASH," "AMBULANCE," or "FREE
SCOTCH" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

6. It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW or
Mercedes dealerships.

7. It is unlawful for a hunter to disguise himself as a
reporter, drug dealer, female law clerk, sheep, accident
victim, physician, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose
of hunting attorneys.

8. Care should be used so as not to endanger any remaining
species. We would not want a repetition of the disaster
that followed the "no limit" season on the subspecies
"Honest Lawyer." That particular variety is now extinct.
Excessive harvesting of other species could dry up the
supply of palm grease, cheap three-piece suits, and forked
tongues that efficient dressing of lawyers' carcasses yield.

SPECIAL NOTE: There is a $500 bounty on Silver-Tongued Narcotics
Dealer-Defenders. No season, no limit. A man asked a lawyer his fee, and was told it was $50.00 for
three questions. "Isn't that awfully steep?" he asked. "Yes,"
the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

Q: Why does California have the most lawyers, and New Jersey
the most toxic waste dumps?
A: New Jersey got first pick.

It seemed that the son of a Spanish lawyer graduated from
college and was considering the future. He went to his father,
who had a very large office, and asked if he might be given a
desk in the corner where he could observe his father's
activities. He could be introduced to his father's clients as a
clerk. This way, he could decide on whether or not to become a
lawyer. His father thought this to be a splendid idea, and this
arrangement was set up immediately.
On his son's first day at work, the first client in the
morning was a rough-hewn man with calloused hands, in workman's
attire, who began the conversation as follows:
"Mr. Lawyer, I work for some people named Gonzales who have
a ranch on the east side of town. For many years I have tended
their crops and animals, including some cows. I have raised, the
cows, tended them, fed them, and it has always been my
understanding and belief that I was the owner of the cows. Mr.
Gonzales died and his son has inherited the farm, and he believes
that since the cows were raised on his ranch and fed on his hay,
the cows are his. In short, we have a dispute as to the
ownership of the cows."
The lawyer said, "I have heard enough. I will take your
case. DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!"
After the tenant farmer left, the next client came in. A
young, well-dressed man, clearly a member of the landed class.
"My name is Gonzales. I own a farm on the east side of the
town," he said. "For many years, a tenant farmer has worked for
my family tending the crops and animals, including some cows.
The cows have been raised on my land and fed on my hay, and I
believe that they belong to me, but the tenant farmer believes
that since he raised them and cared for them, they are his. In
short, we have a dispute over ownership of the cows."
"I heard enough. I'll take your case. DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE
COWS!"
After the client left, the son came over to his father with
a look of concern. "My father, I know nothing of the law, but it
seems to me that we have a serious problem regarding these cows."
"DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!" said the lawyer. "The cows
will be ours!"

Q: Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
A: Cats keep trying to bury them.

Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the
attorney charged her $100.. She gave him a $100 bill, not
noticing that it was stuck to another $100 bill. On seeing the
two bills stuck together, the ethical question came to the
attorney's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"

A lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case. The
client who had attended the trial was out of town when the jury
came back with its decision, which was for the lawyer and his
client. The lawyer immediately sent a telegram to his client,
reading "Justice has triumphed!" The client wired back, "Appeal
at once!"

A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to
his place of eternal torment, he saw a lawyer making passionate
love to a beautiful woman. "What a ripoff," the man muttered.
"I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend
it with a beautiful woman." Jabbing the man with his pitchfork,
the escorting Satan snarled, "Who are you to question that
woman's punishment?"

A lawyer was asked if he like to become a Jehovah's Witness. He
declined, as he hadn't seen the accident, but would still be
interested in taking the case.

People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch
either being made.

The reason that there is a penalty for laughing in court is that
otherwise the jury would never be able to hear the evidence.

A jury is a collection of people banded together to decide who
hired the better lawyer.

Applying for a job, a new lawyer was asked if paying back his law
school tuition would be any special problem. He replied that he
paid it back right after his first case. When asked how he
managed that, he said, "Well, my dad sued me for it and won."

What's the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
The rooster clucks defiance.

A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding.
He stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks, stated to no one in
particular, "Lawyers are horses' asses." One of the locals spoke
up on hearing this: "Mister, watch what you say. You're in horse
country."

The lawyer wandered home at 3 AM. His wife became very upset,
telling him, "You're late! You said you'd be home by 11:45!"
The lawyer replied, "I'm right on time. I said I'd be home by a
quarter of twelve."

Did you hear about the lawyer who stepped in cow dung, and
thought that he was melting?

A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who
among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions
represented. The physician said, "Remember that, on the sixth
day, God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the
first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."
The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens
and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first
engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than
medicine." Then, the lawyer spoke up, "Yes, but who do you think
created all of the chaos and confusion?"

Lorenzo Dow, an evangelist of the last century, was on a
preaching tour when he came to a small town one cold winter's
night. He entered the local general store to get some warmth,
and saw the town's lawyers gathered around the pot-bellied stove,
discussing the town's business. Not one offered to allow Dow
into the circle. Dow told the men who he was, and that he had
recently had a vision where he had been given a tour of Hell,
much like the traveler in Dante's Inferno. When one of the
lawyers asked him what he had seen, he replied, "Very much what I
see here: All of the lawyers, gathered in the hottest place."

A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very
anxious to impress potential clients. When he saw the first
visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately
picked up his phone and spoke into it," I'm sorry, but my
caseload is so tremendous that I'm not going to be able to look
into your problem for at least a month. I'll have to get back to
you then." He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and
said, "Now, what can I do for you?" "Nothing," replied the man.
"I'm here to hook up your phone."

Lawyers are safe from the threat of automation taking over their
professions. No one would build a robot to do nothing.


The following is the text from a pamphlet attached to "Gummy
Lawyers" candies, which are shaped like tiny sharks:

Gummy Lawyers: Like the real thing, they'll leave a bad
taste in your mouth.

Soon the irate calls will pour in. Folks will protest the
preposterousness of packaging sharks in airtight bags and
labeling them as Gummy Lawyers. Perhaps they're right.
Such mean-spiritedness is unfair. To the sharks.

Ichthyologists - scientists who study fish - contend that
sharks, dreaded carnivores of the deep, have simply been
given a bad rap. They may stalk, snap at and swallow their
prey alive, but, after all, they have to eat. So far, no
one has successfully defended lawyers for preying on an
unwitting public. Beyond that, the similarities between the
two species make them well-nigh indistinguishable:

"Shark" comes from the German "schurke," meaning greedy
parasite. While no brave soul has gotten close enough
to determine where lawyers come from, logic and common
sense dictate a similar derivation.

Sharks, unlike most fish, have no bones; their
skeletons are mad entirely of cartilage. Lawyers, too,
are spineless - as willing to argue one side of a case
as the other. For the right price.

Best known as scavengers of the dead and dying, sharks
have well-honed sensors with which they can track the
sounds of other injured and struggling beings. They
are also equipped with fine senses of smell that allow
them to detect minute dilutions of blood (one part
blood to one million parts water) up to one-quarter
mile away. Precisely the distance a hopeful personal
injury lawyer will run behind an ambulance to toss a
business card.

From the moment of birth, sharks' skin is tough and
rough - covered with thousands of tiny hard teeth call
denticles that abrade any passerby made of softer
stuff. Lawyers are also thick-skinned. Easily
identified by their humorlessness and abrasive
personalities, they are the bane of many social
gatherings.

For many years, tiger sharks were the only animals
known to harm each other while still in the womb; the
first two sharks to hatch eat all the other egg
capsules. It was then discovered that while budding
lawyers are somewhat more subtle, they are just as
deadly. Entire families have been found, bored to
death, by the constant pronouncements of precocious
lawyers-to-be.

A shark will swallow anything - up to half its own size
- in one gulp. Several hundred years ago, a naturalist
wrote that the headless body of a knight in armor was
found in a white shark's stomach. Inside another was
more recently found a sea lion, a horse and the body of
another seven-foot-long shark. Lawyers, too, will
swallow anything - even their pride - as increasing
numbers of lawyer hopefuls trudge to law school each
year for three years of browbeating in the hopes of
financing their Porsches.

Some sharks even prey on their own kind. The smell and
taste of blood in the water can trigger them into an
obsessed Feeding Frenzy, in which they often eat their
own bodies while twisting and turning to get more food.
This is not unlike the Litigation Frenzy, where lawyers
are pitted against other lawyers, and ultimately
themselves, to waste reams of paper while losing sight
of a fair resolution for their clients.

A doctor, a priest and a lawyer are caught out at sea when a
storm breaks, battering their small boat with sheets of rain
and blasts of wind. Looking off the bow, they spot still
more cause for pause: the surrounding waters are thick with
circling sharks. As the storm intensifies, it is clear that
their only hope for survival is to swim for shore for help.
The three draw straws, and the lawyer, who gets the
shortest, bravely jumps overboard. At once, he is
approached by a toothy shark. "Jump on my back and I'll
take you in," says the shark. The lawyer hops on and grabs
a fin. The doctor and priest are awestruck. "Hey,"
explains the shark. "It's just professional courtesy.

("Gummy Lawyers" are available for $5.31 postpaid from Nolo
Press, 950 Parker St., Berkeley, CA 94710)

Q: The tooth fairy, an honest lawyer, and an expensive,
dishonest lawyer are in the same room. There is a $500 bill
on a table in the room. When they leave, the money is gone.
Who took it?
A: Since there is no such thing as the tooth fairy or an honest
lawyer, the answer is obvious.

Q: What can a goose do that a duck can't do that a lawyer won't
do?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.

A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when
the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to
handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then
turned to the lawyer and remarked, "I never know how to handle
the situation when I'm asked for medical advice during a social
function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?" The
lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so. So,
the next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill.
The lawyer also sent one to the doctor.

Q: What do you call parachuting lawyers?
A: Skeet.

Two lawyers were walking along the beach, when they saw two
gorgeous girls lying in the sand. One lawyer said to the other,
"Hey, let's go over there and screw those two girls." The other
lawyer replied, "Sure. Out of what?"

Q: What's the difference between lawyers and vultures?
A: Vultures can't take their wing tips off.
A: The vulture eventually lets go.

Q: What separates police officers from the lowest form of life
on the earth?
A: In the courtroom, it's the partitions around the witness
stand.

Q: How do you greet a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
A: "Good morning, your honor."

Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A: A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.
A lawyer was driving his big BMW down the highway, singing to
himself, "I love my BMW, I love my BMW." Focusing on his car,
not his driving, he smashed into a tree. He miraculously
survived, but his car was totaled. "My BMW! My BMW!" he sobbed.
A good Samaritan drove ny and cried out, "Sir, sir, you're
bleeding - my God, your left arm is gone!" The lawyer,
horrified, screamed, "My Rolex! My Rolex!"

A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket, and
ordered a double scotch. A few minutes later, the man again
peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine
was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket,
he told the bartender that he's had enough. The bartender said,
"I've got to ask you - what's with the pocket business?" The man
replied, "I have my lawyer's picture in there. When he starts to
look honest, I've had enough."

Q: How was copper wire invented?
A: Two lawyers arguing over a penny.

A Bar Association charter flight was hijacked by terrorists.
When the terrorists made their press release, they said that,
until their demands were met, they would release one lawyer per
hour.

A man wanted very badly to see a Broadway play, but it took a
year to get tickets. He put in his order and waited. Finally,
the big day came and he went off to the theatre. When he sat
down, he saw a man in the seat in front of him, with an empty
seat adjacent. In conversation, he learned that the man was an
attorney, and that he had purchased the other seat for his wife,
who was unable to come at the last moment. The astonished man
asked the lawyer why he would let such a valuable commodity go to
waste, not giving it to a friend or relative who wanted to come
to the play. The lawyer replied, "Yes, several of those wanted
to come, but they're all at my wife's funeral."

Lawyer: someone who makes sure that he gets what's coming to you.

Q: What do you get if you beat the shit out of a lawyer?
A: An empty suit.

There's an interesting new novel about two ex-convicts. One of
them studies to become a lawyer, the other decides to go
straight.

Four out of five doctors say that if they were stranded on a
deserted island with no lawyers, they wouldn't need any aspirin.

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could
only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the
newspaper?

A lawyer discussing trial strategy with his partner said, "When I
address the jury, I'll plead for clemency."
"Nothing doing!" shouted his partner. "Let Clemency get his own
lawyer!"

Q: What is the difference between a poisonous snake and a
lawyer?
A: You can make a pet out of the snake.

Q: What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common?
A: Both have a big head that consists mostly of mouth.

Q: Why should lawyers always be buried face down?
A: If they wake up, they'll start digging.

Q: While driving down a desert highway, you see Saddam Hussein
on one side of the road, and a lawyer on the other. Which
do you hit first?
A: Hussein. Business before pleasure.

Q: What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A: One is a bottom-dwelling, garbage-eating scavenger. The
other is a fish.

The two partners in a law firm were having lunch when suddenly
one of them jumped up and said, "I have to go back to the
office - I forgot to lock the safe!" The other partner replied,
"What are you worried about? We're both here."

Q: Why is it dangerous for lawyers to walk onto a construction
site when plumbers are working?
A: The plumbers might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.

A man went to a brain surgeon to request a brain transplant . He
noted prices were different for brains available from various
donors. A doctor's brain was $500, a banker's brain was $1500,
and a scientist's brain was $2500. Then, he noticed in a far
recess of the shelf, a jar marked with a price tag of $50,000.
When he inquired about the unusually high price, he was told,
"Oh, that's a lawyer's brain - it's never been used!"

Two boys were walking in the woods when one boy spied a nut
on the ground. When the other boy picked it up, they started to
argue.
One boy said, "The nut is mine, I saw it first." The other
boy said, "The nut is mine, I have it in my possession."
They were just about to fight when, luckily, along came a
lawyer. The boys appealed to the lawyer to adjudicate their
dispute.
The lawyer thanked the boys for the opportunity and said, "I
will settle your dispute this way. Because you saw the nut
first, I will give you this half. Because you had the nut in
your possession, I will give you this half. And, for my fee,
I'll keep the meat."


 December 6, 2017  Add comments

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