Dec 162017
 
Text file full of jokes.
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1) HOW MANY CALIFORNIANS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB?
A: NONE! THEY SCREW IN HOT TUBS.

2) HWY DID THEY STOP THE LEPPER HOCKEY GAME?
A: THERE WAS A FACE-OFF IN THE CORNER.

3) WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MONONUCLEOSIS AND HERPIES?
A: YOU GET MONONUCLEOSIS FROM SNATCHING KISSES.

4) WHY DID HELLEN KELLER BURN HER HAND?
A: SHE TRIED TO READ THE WAFFLE IRON.

5) WHAT DO YOU CALL A SPANISH LADY WHO HAD BOTH OF HER LEGS AMPUTATED AT
THE THIGHS?
A: CONSWEYLO!

6) WHAT DO INDIANS CALL A SHORT JOKE?
A: MINI HA HA.

7) WHEN TWO BULLETS GOT MARRIED, WHAT DID THEY GET NEXT?
A: LITTLE B-B'S.

8) WHAT DID GENERAL CUSTAR WEAR AT "CUSTARD'S LAST STAND"?
A: AN ARROW SHIRT.

9) WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A ROOSTER WITH A BAG OF M&M'S?
A: A COCK THAT COMES IN YOU MOUTH BUT NOT IN YOUR HANDS.

10) WHAT IS THE LOWEST CALORIE CEREAL?
A: QUERIOS... YOU TOSS THEM IN A BOWL, AND THEY EAT EACH OTHER.

11) DID YOU HEAR ABOUT "POST'S" NEW CEREAL CALLED "PROST-TOASTIES"?
A: YOU TOSS THEM IN A BOWL AND ALL THEY DO IS LAY AND BANG.

12) WHY DID THE OLD MAN HAVE "HERPIES OF THE EYELIDS"?
A: BECAUSE HE WAS LOOKING FOR LOVE IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES.

13) WHY DO WOMEN GET MORE HEMOROIDS THAN MEN?
A: BECAUSE GOD MADE MEN PERFECT ASS HOLES.

14) WHAT IS LEFT IN WOMEN'S UNDERPANTS AFTER SEX?
A: CLITTY LITTER.

15) WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOUR JOB AND YOUR WIFE?
A: AFTER TWENTY YEARS YOUR JOB STILL SUCKS.

16) WHAT DO YOU CALL THE DELIVERY ROOM OF A HOSPITAL?
A: A LABOR UNION.

17) WHAT DO YOU CALL A NURSE WITH DIRTY KNEES?
A: A HEAD NURSE.

18) WHAT DO YOU CALL AN ADULT TOY?
A MOTEL.

19) DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE LADY LAWYOR WHO WAS MOONLIGHTING AS A CALL GIRL?
A: SHE WAS A PROSTITUTING ATOURNEY.

20) WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU TAKE L.S.D. WITH THE PILL?
A: A TRIP WITHOUT THE CHILDREN.

21) WHY DID THE MAN TAKE TWO HITS OF L.S.D.?
A: HE WANTED A ROUND TRIP.

22) WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A ROOSTER WITH A TELEPHONE POLE?
A: A COCK THAT WANTS TO REACH OUT AND TOUCH SOMEONE.

23) WHAT DO YOU GET IF YOU KISS A PARROT?
A: CHIRPIES... IT'S A CANARIAL DESEASE, AND UNTWEETABLE.

24) WHAT DO YOU GET IF A TERRORIST PUTS A BOMB IN A FRENCH KITCHEN?
A: NEPOLEAN BLOWN-A-PART.

25) DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE 65 YEAR OLD FLASHER WHO WAS PLANNING TO RETIRE?
A: HE SAID, "NAAA... I THINK I'LL STICK IT OUT ANOTHER YEAR.

27) WHY WERE HELEN KELLER'S FEET YELLOW?
A: HER PET DOG WAS BLIND TOO.

28) THERE WERE THREE MEN AT A HOUSE OF ILL REPUTE. ONE WAS RUNNING IN; ONE
WAS RUNNING OUT AND ONE WAS JUST INSIDE. FROM THIS INFORMATION... WHAT
WERE THEIR NATIONALITIES?
A: 1) RUSSIAN, 2) FINISH, AND 3) HYMALAYAN.


29) WHAT DO WOMEN AND JELLO BOTH HAVE IN COMMON?
A: THEY BOTH WIGGLE WHEN YOU POKE THEM.

30) WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A SORORITY GIRL AND A TOILET?
A: ONE DOESN'T FOLLOW YOU HOME AFTER YOU'RE DONE USING IT.

31) WHY DOES THE HONEYMOON LAST FOR ONLY SEVEN DAYS?
A: BECAUSE SEVEN MAKES A WHOLE WEEK.

32) WHY DID THE JEWISH GIRL WEAR A GOLD DIAPHRAM?
A: SHE WANTED HER MEN THINK THAT THEY WERE COMMING INTO MONEY.

33) WHAT DO YOU DO WITH A QUADRAPLEGIC DOG?
A: TAKE HIM OUT FOR A DRAG.

34) WHAT DID THE LEPPER GIRL DO WHEN SHE GOT EXCITED?
A: SHE THREW HER HANDS UP INTO THE AIR.

35) WHAT ARE THE THREE RINGS THAT COME WITH MARRIAGE?
A: 1) ENGAGEMENT RING, 2) WEDDING RING, AND 3) SUFFERING.

36) WHAT IS THE WORST FEAR FOR A TEST-TUBE BABY?
A: ELLA FITZGERALD.

37) WHY ARE TEST-TUBE BABIES SO EXPENSIVE?
A: BECAUSE THEY HAVE A WOMB WITH A VIEW.

38) DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE ORCHESTRA WHO WAS STRUCK DOWN BY LIGHTENING?
A: HE WOULD HAVE DIED, BUT HE WAS A POOR CONDUCTOR.

39) WHAT IS CHINA'S MOST FAVORITE COOK BOOK?
A: 101 WAYS TO WOK YOUR DOG.

40) WHAT DID THE LEPPER SAY TO THE PROSTITUTE?
A: KEEP THE TIP.

41) WHAT DO YOU CALL A GROUP OF LEPPERS IN A HOT TUB?
A: STEW.

42) WHAT DO YOU CALL A MAN IN POOL WITH NO LEGGS?
A: BOB.

43) WHAT DO YOU CALL A WOMAN WITH ONE LEGG?
A: ILENE.

44) WHAT DID THE DOW SAY WHEN SHE CAME OUT OF THE FORREST?
A: BOY... THAT'LL BE THE LAST TIME I DO THAT FOR TWO BUCKS.

45) HOW FAST CAN YOU GO WHEN MAKING LOVE?
68, AT 69 YOU MIGHT BLOW A ROD.

46) WHAT'S BETTER THAN A 69?
A: 77, YOU GET EIGHT MORE.

47) WHY DOESN'T SMOKEY THE BEAR HAVE ANY CUBS?
A: BECAUSE EVERY TIME HIS WIFE GETS HOT, HE HITS HER OVER THE HEAD WITH
A SHOVEL.

48) WHERE DO YOU GET VIRGIN WOOL?
A: FROM UGLY SHEEP.

49) WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A SORORITY GIRL AND TRASH?
A: YOU ONLY HAVE TO TAKE THE TRASH OUT ONCE A WEEK.

50) WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A SORORITY GIRL AND A LIMOUSINE?
A: SOME PEOPLE HAVEN'T BEEN IN A LIMOUSINE.

51) WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A SORORITY GIRL AND A BOWLING BALL?
A: YOU CAN ONLY GET THREE FINGERS IN A BOWLING BALL.

52) WHY DID THE LEPPER FAIL HIS DRIVING TEST?
A: HE LEFT HIS FOOT ON THE GAS PEDDLE.

53) WHY DID HELLEN KELLER WEAR TIGHT JEANS?
A: SO PEOPLE COULD READ HER LIPS.

54) WHAT DO YOU CALL A PARAPLEGIC WATER SKIER?
A: SKIP.

55) WHAT DO JEWISH AMERICAN PRINCESSES MAKE FOR DINNER?
A: RESERVATIONS.

56) WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN CROSS A JEWISH AMERICAN PRINCESS WITH A COMPUTER
SYSTEM?
A: A SYSTEM THAT JUST WON'T GO DOWN ON YOU.

57) WHY WERE THE INDIANS THE FIRST ONES TO COME TO AMERICA?
A: BECAUSE THEY HAD RESERVATIONS.

58) WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A MUMMY WITH A DECK OF CARDS?
A: AN ACE BANDAGE.

59) WHAT IS THE WETTEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD?
A: ENGLAND, THEY HAVE A QUEEN AND SHE'S BEEN REIGNING FOR YEARS.

60) HOW DO YOU STOP A JEWISH AMERICAN PRINCESS FROM HAVING SEX?
A: MARRY HER.

61) WHAT DO YOU CALL A CHINEESE GROCERY CLERK?
A: CHINEESE CHECKERS.

62) WHAT IS AN ELEPHANT?
A: A MOUSE FIT TO GOVERNMENT SPECIFICATIONS.

63) WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU KISS A PARROT?
A: CHIRPIES, IT'S A CANARIAL DESEASE, AND IT IS UNTWEETABLE.

64) WHAT COUNTRY HAS THE MOST AGRESSIVE MEN LIVING IN IT?
A: AUSTRAILIA, THEIR MEN ARE SO AGRESSIVE, THAT THEY WILL GET A WOMAN
PREGNANT JUST TO KILL A RABBIT.

65) WHAT'S A BABY HARP SEAL'S FAVORITE DRINK?
A: CANADIAN CLUB SODA ON THE ROCKS.

66) WHY DID THE BOSS STAPLE HIS SECRETARIES BOOBS TOGETHER?
A: BECAUSE HE FIGURED THAT "IF HE COULDN'T LICK'M HE'D JOIN'M."

67) HOW CAN YOU TELL IF A POLOCK IS DROWNING?
A: BY THE GREASE SLICK ON THE WATER.

68) WHAT WOULD YOU CALL AN ARTIST HANGING HIMSELF?
A: AN ARTICHOKE.

69) WHAT DO YOU CALL TWO GAY MEN NAMED "BOB"?
A: ORAL ROBERTS.

70) WHAT'S BIG AND GREY AND COMES IN QUARTS?
A: AN ELEPHANT.

71) WHAT IS THE BROWN STUFF BETWEEN ELEPHANTS' TOES?
A: SLOW NATIVES.

72) WHY IS THERE NO PRIVACY IN CHINA?
A: BECAUSE IT'S CAPITAL IS "PEKING".

73) HAVE YOU HEARD OF THE NEW VINERIAL DESEASE THAT CAUSES POST NASAL DRIP?
A: IT'S CALLED "SNIFLESS".

74) WHAT DO YOU CALL A JEWISH AMERICAN PRINCESS'S WATER-BED?
A: "THE DEAD SEA".

75) HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN A JEWISH AMERICAN PRINCESS HAS SLEPT IN YOUR
WATER-BED?
A: IT'S ICE SOLID THE NEXT MORNING.

76) WHAT DO YOU CALL MISS. PIGGY'S DOUCHE BAG?
A: HOG-WASH.

77) WHAT DID THE GRAPE SAY, WHEN AN ELEPHANT SAT DOWN ON IT?
A: NOTHING... IT JUST GAVE OUT WITH A LITTLE WINE.

78) WHY DIDN'T CHARLES AND DIANE NAME THEIR FIRST CHILD "UP"?
A: BECAUSE EVERY CHRISTMAS THEY WOULD HAVE TO SIGN THEIR CARDS "UP,
CHUCK & DI."

79) WHAT DO YOU CALL A GAY BAR WITH NO SEATS?
A: A FRUIT STAND.

80) WHAT HAS FOUR WHEELS AND FLIES?
A GARBAGE TRUCK.

81) WHAT DOES PLAYING "BRIDGE" AND HAVING SEX HAVE IN COMMON?
A: IF YOU DON'T HAVE A GOOD PARTNER, THEN YOU BETTER HAVE A GOOD HAND.

82) WHY DO WOMEN SKY-DIVERS WEAR TAMPONS?
A: SO THEY DON'T WHISTLE ON THE WAY DOWN.

83) HAVE YOU EVER SMELLED MOTH BALLS?
A: HOW DID YOU HOLD THEM? BY THEIR WINGS OR BY THEIR BALLS?

84) DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE F.B.I. AGENT WHO WAS SHADDOWING A GAY LIBERAION
FIGURE?
A: HE WAS DISMISSED FOR BLOWING HIS ASSIGNMENT.

85) WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A JEWISH AMERICAN PRINCESS AND THE
BERMUDA TRIANGLE?
A: THE BERMUDA SWALLOWS SEA MEN.

86) WHY DID THE EASTER BUNNY HIDE ITS EGGS?
A: BECAUSE IT DIDN'T WANT ANYONE TO KNOW THAT HE WAS SCREWING AROUND
THE CHICKENS.

87) HOW DO YOU GET 1000 VIETNAMESE IN A SHOE BOX?
A: BY PAINTING THE WORD "BOAT" ON THE SIDW.

88) WHAT IS IRISH AN HAS AN I.Q. OF 140?
A: A VILLAGE.

89) WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A FOUR LEAF CLOVER WITH POISON OAK?
A: A RASH OF GOOD LUCK.

90) WHY DID GEORGE STEINBRENNER HIRE LINDA LOVELACE TO PLAY FOR THE NEW
YORK YANKEES?
A: BECAUSE WHILE SHE MAY BLOW A FEW NOW AND THEN, SHE WON'T CHOKE ON
THE BIG ONE.

91) WHY DO JEWISH PEOPLE HAVE BIG NOSES?
A: BECAUSE THE AIR IS FREE.

92) WHAT DO YOU CALL A SMILING ROMAN WITH BLACK HAIR BETWEEN HIS TEETH.
A: GLADIATOR.

93) HOW WAS THE GRAND CANYON CREATED?
A: SOMEONE DROPPED A WUARTER IN A CROUD OF JEWS.

94) DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE POLOCK WHO LOCKED HIMSELF OUT OF HIS CAR?
A: HE HAD TO GET A COAT HAGER THE GET HIS FAMILY OUT.

95) DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE POLOCK WHO WENT TO HIS DOCTOR?
A: HIS DOCTOR SAID "YOU HAVE SUGAR IN YOU URINE", SO HE WENT HOME AND
PISSED IN HIS CORN FLAKES.

96) WHAT IS THE BRAVEST ANIMAL IN THE JUNGLE?
A: A FROG. BECAUSE HE WARTS OFF ALL ATTACKERS.

97) HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN YOU HAVE GOTTEN A LETTER FROM A LEPPER?
A: HIS THUMB IS STUCK TO THE STAMP.

98) WHAT IS THE BEST GIFT YOU COULD GIVE AN 83 YEAR OLD WOMAN?
A: MICKEY... HE'LL EAT ANYTHING.

99) DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BUSINESSMAN WHO WENT TO A LEPPER COLONY?
A: HIS BUSINESS WAS DOING GREAT, THAT IS... UNTIL HIS BUSINESS FELL OFF.

100) WHERE DID PRINCE CHARLES SPEND HIS HONEYMOON?
A: INDIANA.

101) HAVE YOU HEARD OF THE NEW FEMENINE DEORDERANT CALLED "SSY"?
A: IT TAKES THE "PEE YOU" OUT OF PUSSY.

102) HOW MANY LETTERS ARE THERE IN THE ALPHABET?
A: 26??? NO! WHEN E.T. WENT HOME, HE TOOK V.D. WITH HIM.

103) WHY ARE BLACKS SO FAST?
A: BECAUSE THEY HAVE HAD NENE MONTHS DODGING COAT HANGERS.

104) WHAT DO YOU GET, WHEN YOU CROSS A ROOSTER WITH A BAG OF POTATOES?
A: A DICTATOR.

105) WHAT IS YELLOW AND LIVES OFF DEAD BEETLES?
A: YOKO ONO.

106) WHY DO WOMAN HAVE LEGGS?
A: SO THEY DON'T LEAVE A TRAIL LIKE A SLUG.

107) WHY DID THE MAN CALL HIS DOG "HERPIES"?
A: BECAUSE HE WOULDN'T HEEL.

108) WHAT DO YOU GET, WHEN YOU CROSS AN ONION WITH A DONKEY?
A: A PIECE OF ASS THAT BRINGS TEARS TO YOUR EYES.

109) WHAT DO YOU CALL A MAN ON THE MOUNTAIN SIDE WITH NO ARMS OR LEGGS?
A: CLIFF.

110) WHAT DO YOU CALL A MAN ON A GRILL WITH NO ARMS OR LEGGS?
A: FRANK.

111) WHAT DO YOU CALL A WOMAN ON A GRILL WITH NO ARMS OR LEGGS?
A: PATTY.

112) WHAT IS THIS-- IE ?
ER ?
A: STEVIE WONDER'S AUTOGRAPH.

113) DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE TWO GAY SCOTTSMEN?
A: THEY WERE "GERALD FITZPATRICK" AND "PATRICK FITZGERALD"

114) WHAT DO YOU GET, WHEN YOU CROSS A NEGRO WITH AN APE?
A: NOTHING. THERE ARE JUST SOME THINGS THAT AN APE WON'T DO.

115) WHY DID MICKEY SHOOT MINEY?
A: BECAUSE SHE WAS FUCKING GOOFEY.

116) WHAT DO YOU CALL A MEGRO ON A LIPISON STALION?
A: LEROY ROGERS.

117) WHAT ARE THE FIRST THREE WORDS A NEGRO LEARNS TO SAY?
A: "ATTENTION K-MART SHOPPERS".

118) WHAT DO YOU CALL A PARAPLEGIC AGAINST THE WALL?
A: ART.

119) WHAT DO YOU CALL A PARAPLEGIC ON THE FLOOR?
A: MAT.

120) WHAT DO YOU CALL A PARAPLEGIC IN A WHOLE?
A: DOUG.

121) WHAT DO YOU CALL A PARAPLEGIC ON TOP OF DOUG?
A: PHILL.

122) WHAT DO YOU CALL A PARAPLEGIC IN THE Y.M.C.A.?
A: JIM.

123) WHAT DO YOU CALL A POLOCK, WHO CAN ADD?
A: GIFTED.

124) HOW MANY F.B.I. AGENTS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB?
A: FIVE! ONE TO DO IT, AND FOUR TO WATCH.

125) WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A NEGRO WITH A MEXICAN?
A: A CAR THIEF THAT'S TOO LAZY TO STEAL.

126) WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A NEGRO WITH A PHILIPINO?
A: A CAR THIEF THAT CAN'T DRIVE.

127) HOW DO YOU STOP BLACK KIDS FROM BOUNCING ON YOUR BED?
A: BY PUTTING VELCRO ON THE CEILING.

128) HOW DO YOU GET BLACK KIDS DOWN FROM THE CEILING?
A: GIVE A MEXICAN KID A BAT, BLINDFOLD HIM, AND TELL HIM THAT THERE'S
A PINYATA SOMEWHERE IN THE ROOM.

129) WHAT DID JAMES BRADY TEL PRESIDENT REAGAN AFTER THE ASSASINATION
ATTEMPT?
A: I HAVE HALF A MIND TO QUIT THIS JOB.

130) WHAT DO YOU CALL A PHILIPINO WITH THREE OR MORE DOGS?
A: A RANCHERO.

131) HOW DOES ANITA BRYANT SPELL RELIEF?
A: A-I-D-S.

132) DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE WAR BETWEEN THE GERMANS AND THE POLOCKS?
A: THE POLOCKS THROUGH DYNAMITE, AND THE GERMANS LIT THEM AND THROUGH
THEM BACK.

133) WHY WAS "PRINCESS DI" SO DISAPPOINTED ON HER WEDDING NIGHT?
A: SHE THOUGHT THAT ALL RULERS WERE SUPPOSE TO BE TWELVE INCHES LONG.

134) DYD YOU HEAR ABOUT THE GIRL WHO ASKED HER BOYFRIEND TO KISS HER WHERE
IT SMELLS?
A: HE TOOK HER TO TACOMA.

135) HOW IS CHRISTMAS CELEBRATED IN A JEWISH HOME?
A: THEY PUT PARKING METERS ON THE ROOF.

136) WHAT DOES A JEWISH AMERICAN PRINCESS SAY WHEN SHE IS REACHING AN
ORGASM?
A: MON, I'VE GOT TO HANG UP NOW.

137) WHAT MAKES BLACKS SO HORNY?
A: AFRO-DISIACS.

138) WHY DON'T BLACKS TAKE ASPRIN?
A: BECAUSE THEY ARE SO PROUD THAN TO PICK COTTON OUT OF BOTTLES.

139) WHAT DO YOU CALL A GIRL WITH NO ARMS OR LEGS IN A CASH REGISTER?
A: PENNY.

140) WHAT DO YOU CALL A GIRL WITH NO ARMS OR LEGS ON A GAMBLING TABLE?
A: BETSY.

141) WHAT DO YOU CALL A GIRL WITH NO ARMS OR LEGS WORKING IN A VINEYARD?
A: SHERRY.

142) WHAT DO YOU CALL A GIRL WITH NO ARMS OR LEGS ON A MUSIC STAND?
A: CAROL.

143) WHAT HAS FOUR WHEELS AND FILES?
A: A DEAD CRIPPLE IN A WHEEL CHAIR.

144) WHAT'S BROWN AND HANGS UP IN THE ATIC?
A: DIAHREA OF ANNE FRANK.

145) DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE NEW MALE HYGENE DEORDINANT CALLED 'UMPIRE'?
A: IT GETS RID OF FOUL BALLS.

146) WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED RUBBERS?
A: MAKE THEM INTO A TIRE AND CALL IT 'GOODYEAR'.

147) WHY DO MEN SLEEP BETTER ON THEIR SIDE?
A: BECAUSE THEY HAVE A KICK STAND.

148) WHAT DO PITCHERS AND GIGILOS HAVE IN COMMON?
A: THEY BOTH HAVE FAST BALLS.

149) WHY ARE PREGNANT WOMEN LIKE DEFECTIVE TYPEWRITERS?
A: THEY KEEP SKIPPING PERIODS.

150) DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE PROSTITUTE WITH A DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY?
A: SHE'LL BLOW YOUR MIND.

151) WHAT ARE THE THREE BEST THINGS ABOUT A WOMAN?
A: 1) THEY CAN BLEED WITHOUT CUTTING THEMSELVES,
2) THEY CAN BURY A BONE WITHOUT DIGGING A HOLE,
3) THEY CAN MAKE A MAN COME WITHOUT CALLING THEM.

152) WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A SEWING MACHINE AND A JOGGER?
A: A SEWING MACHINE HAS ONLY ONE BOBBIN.

153) WHAT IS THE ULTIMATE JEWISH DELEMA?
A: HAM ON SALE.


154) WHY DON'T JEWISH PEOPLE PLAY GOLF?
A: THEY CAN'T SAY FOUR. THEY CAN ONLY SAY THREE NINETY-NINE.

155) WHY DON'T BASKETBALL PLAYERS MAKE GOOD LOVERS?
A: BECAUSE THEY DRIBBLE AND THEN SHOOT.

156) DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE TWO GAY LAWYERS?
A: THEY TRIED EACH OTHER.

157) WHY DO HUNTERS MAKE THE BEST LOVERS?
A: 1) THEY GO DEEP INTO THE BUSH;
2) THEY SHOOT MORE THAN ONCE; AND
3) THEY ALWAYS EAT WHAT THEY CATCH.

158) HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN A JEWISH AMERICAN PRINCESS HAS SLEPT IN YOUR WATER
BED?
A: THE WATERBED IS ICE SOLID THE NEXT MORNING.

159) WHAT DO YOU CALL A COW WITH TWO LEGS?
A: LEAN BEEF.

160) WHAT DO YOU CALL A COW WITH NO LEGS?
A: GROUND BEEF.

161) IN ITALY HOW DO YOU SEPERATE THE MEN FROM THE BOYS?
A: WITH A CROWBAR.
(OR)
WITH A 2 X 4.

162) WHAT IS THE FIRST THING A SORORITY GIRL DOES IN THE MORNING?
A: GETS UP AND GOES HOME.

163) WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A SORORITY GIRL AND A JAR OF JIFF
PEANUT BUTTER?
A: A SORORITY GIRL SPREADS EASIER.

164) WHY DO WALRUSSES LIKE TO GO TO TUPPERWARE PARTIES?
A: BECAUSE THEY LIKE TIGHT SEALS.

165) WHAT TWO THINGS IN THE AIR COULD GET A SORORITY GIRL PREGNANT?
A: THEIR LEGGS.

166) WHAT IS WORST THAN K-Y JELLY ON BILLY JEAN-KING?
A: CUM ON EILEEN.

167) WHY DO VALLEY GIRLS TAKE TWO BIRTH CONTROL PILLS AT A TIME?
A: THEY WANT TO BE "FER SURE, FER SURE".

168) DO YOU KNOW HOW KLU-KLUX-KNEVEL GOT FAMOUS?
A: HE TRIED TO JUMP 250 NEGROS WITH A STEAM ROLLER.

169) WHAT DO YOU CALL A MEXICAN WITHOUT ARMS?
A: TRUSTWORTHY.

170) WHY DO DOGS LICK THEMSELVES?
A: BECAUSE THEY CAN.

171) DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE GAY FOOTBALL PLAYER?
A: HE STARTED THE SEASON AS A TIGHT END AND ENDED UP AS A WIDE
RECEIVER.

172) WHEN IS CHINESE FOOD THE HAPPIEST?
A: WHEN IT IS BEING EATEN.

173) DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE ITALIAN GARBAGE COLLECTOR?
A: HE HAD TO GET A LARGER APPARTMENT.

174) WHY ARE GERMANS SO WORRIED ABOUT GETTING INTO HEAVEN?
A: YOU'D BE NERVOUS IF YOU HAD A MILLION 6 MILLION JEWS WAITING FOR YOU
IN HELL.

175) WHY DO JEWISH WOMEN LIKE CIRCUMSIZED MEN?
A: THEY LIKE ANYTHING THAT IS 20% OFF.

176) WHAT ARE THREE THINGS THAT YOU CAN'T GIVE A NEGRO?
A: 1) THIN LIPS, STRAIGHT HAIR, AND A JOB.

177) WHY DO NEGROS WARE HATS AT THE BEACH?
A: BECAUSE THEY ARE AFRAID THE SEAGALS WILL SHIT ON THEIR LIPS.

178) WHY DON'T ANT EATERS EVER GET SICK?
A: BECAUSE THEY ARE FILLED WITH LITTLE ANTIBODIES.

179) WHAT DO YOU CALL A COW WITH A HISTORECTOMY?
A: DECALFINATED.

180) WHAT DO QUEERS CALL SPEED BUMPS.
A: HEMEROIDS.

181) HOW DOU OUT MAKE A CAT SOUND LIKE A DOG?
A: SOAK HIM IN LIGHTER FLUID AND LIGHT IT, AND HE GOES
WOOF.

182) WHAT DOES A HOUSE WIFE DO WITH AN ASS HOLE?
A: SHE PACKS HIM A LUNCH AND SENDS HIM OFF TO WORK.

183) IF YOU ARE AN AMERICAN IN THE KITCHEN, THEN WHAT ARE YOU IN THE BATH
ROOM.
A: EUROPEAN.

184) HOW DID HELLEN KELLER MEET HER HUSBAND?
A: ON A BLIND DATE.

185) WHAT DID HELLEN KELLER DO WHEN SHE RAN INTO THE WALL?
A: SHE SCREAMED HER HANDS OFF.

186) DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE NEW HELLEN KELLER DOLL?
A: WIND IT UP AND IT WALKS INTO WALLS.

187) HOW DID HELLEN KELLER GO CRAZY?
A: BY READING A STUCKO WALL.

188) DID YOU HEAR ABOUT HELLEN KELLER'S NEW BOOK?
A: IT'S CALLED "AROUND THE BLOCKS IN EIGHTY DAYS"

189) WHY DO POLISH PEOPLE CARY DIMES WITH THEM ON DATES?
A: SO IF THEY CAN'T COME, THEY'LL CALL.

190) WHY IS THE SUICIDE RATE SO LOW IN POLAND?
A: IT IS HARD KILLING YOURSELF BY JUMPING OUT OF THE BASEMENT WINDOW.

191) WHY DO POLISH PEOPLE HAVE BEAUTIFUL NOSES?
A: BECAUSE THEY ARE HAND PICKED.

192) DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE TWO POLISH HUNTERS?
A: THEY WERE DRIVING ALONG THE ROAD, WHEN THEY SAW A SIGN SAY "BARE
LEFT", SO THEY WENT HOME.

193) DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE POLISH CAR POOL?
A: THEY ALL MEET AT WORK.

194) DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BUM WHO WALKED UP TO A JEWISH MOTHER ON THE
STREET AND SAID "LADY, I HAVEN'T EATEN FOR THREE DAYS."?
A: "FORCE YOURSELF!", SHE REPLIED.

195) WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN KARATE AND JODO?
A: KARATE IS A METHOD OF DEFENSE, AND JUDO IS WHAT BEGALS ARE MADE OF.

196) WHAT IS THE NEW WEBSTER DICTIONARY'S DEFINITION OF "CONFUSION"?
A: "FATHER'S" DAY IN HARLUM.

197) WHAT DO YOU CALL A GAY MILKMAN?
A: DAIRY QUEEN.

198) HOW DO YOU GET A ONE ARMED POLE OUT OF A TREE?
A: WAVE AT HIM.

199) WHAT DO SAY TO A ONE LEGGED HITCH HICKER?
A: HOP IN.

200) WHY DOES THE POPE WARE GYM SHORTS?
A: HE DOESN'T WANT TO LOOK DOWN ON THE UNEMPLOYED.

201) TWO NUNS WERE TAKING A STROLL THROUGH THE PARK AT NIGHT, WHEN TWO MEN
JUMPED THEM FROM BEHIND, RIPPED OFF THEIR HABBITS, AND PROCEDED TO RAPE
THEM. SISTER GREGORY, BRUISED AND BATTERED, LOOKS UP TOWARD THE
HEAVENS AND SAYS "FORGIVE HIM LORD, FOR HE KNOWS NOT WHAT HE DOES."
SISTER THREASA LOOKS OVER AT HER AND SAYS "MINE DOES."

202) DO YOU KNOW WHY POLISH WOMEN CAN'T USE VIABRATORS?
A: BECAUSE THEY CHIP THEIR TEETH.

203) WHY DO TAMPONS HAVE STRINGS?
A: SO YOU CAN FLOSS AFTER EATING.

204) WHAT'S RED AND HAS SEVEN LITTLE DENTS?
A: SNOW WHITE'S CHERRY.

205) WHY DO WOMEN HAVE TWO HOLES?
A: SO THAT WHEN THEY'RE DRUNK YOU CAN CARRY THEM HOME LIKE A SIX PACK.

206) WHY'S PUBIC HAIR CURLY?
A: IF IT WAS STRAIGHT IT WOULD POKE YOU EYES OUT.

207) WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A NYMPHONANIAC AND A LOVER?
A: A LOVER STOPS TO EAT.

208) WHY AREN'T WOMEN ALLOWED TO SWIM IN THE OCEAN ANY MORE?
A: BECAUSE THEY CAN'T GET THE SMELL OUT OF THE FISH.

209) DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BLIND GYNOCOLGIST?
A: HE CAN READ LIPS.

210) WHAT'S THE FIRST THING ADAM SAID TO EVE?
A: STAND BACK. I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG THIS THING GETS.

211) WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A ROOSTER WITH A PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICH?
A: A COCK THAT STICKS TO THE ROOF OF YOUR MOUTH.

212) WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A ROOSTER WITH AN OWL?
A: A COCK THAT STAYS UP ALL NIGHT.

213) HOW IS A MAN LIKE A SNOW STORM?
A: YOU DON'T KNOW WHEN HE'S COMMING, HOW MANY INCHES YOU'LL GET, OR
HOW LONG HE'LL STAY.

214) DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE POLISH FOX WHO GOT HIS PAW CAUGHT IN A TRAP?
A: HE GNAWED OFF THREE PAWS BEFORE HE GOT FREE.

215) WHAT DOES AN ELEPHANT USE FOR A VIABRATOR?
A: AN EPILEPTIC.

216) WHY DOES DR. PEPPER COME IN A BOTTLE?
A: BECAUSE HIS WIFE DIED.

217) WHY CAN'T SANTA CLAUS HAVE CHILDREN?
A: BECAUSE HE ONLY COMES ONCE A YEAR.

218) WHY IS BILLY JEAN-KING SO GOOD PLAYING TENNIS?
A: BECAUSE SHE CAN SWING BOTH WAYS.

219) WHAT WILL IT TAKE TO REUNITE THE BEATLES BACK TOGETHER?
A: THREE MORE BULLETS.

220) WHY DO POLISH PEOPLE HAVE HOLES IN THEIR FACE?
A: BECAUSE WHEN THEY EAT WITH A FORK, THEY KEEP MISSING THEIR MOUTH.

221) WHAT HAPPENS IF A POLE DOESN'T PAY THEIR GARBAGE BILL?
A: THEY STOP DELIVERING.

222) HOW DO YOU SINK THE POLISH NAVY?
A: PUT IT IN THE WATER.

223) WHY DON'T EMPLOYERS GIVE POLISH PEOPLE MORE THAN A THIRTY MINUTE LUNCH?
A: BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO RETRAIN THEM.

224) WHAT BITES BUT DOESN'T SWALLOW?
A: A JEWISH GIRL.

225) DO YOU KNOW HOW COPPER WIRE WAS INVENTED?
A: SOMEONE DROPPED A PENNY IN A CROWD OF JEWS.

226) WHAT IS A JEWISH AMERICAN'S FAVORIT POSITION?
A: BENDING OVER FOR CREDIT CARDS.

227) WHY DO JEWISH GIRLS THINK THAT PROSTITION IS SUCH A GREAT BUSINESS?
A: BECAUSE YA GOT IT, YA SELL IT, YA STILL GOT IT.

228) WHAT DO YOU CALL 10,000 BLACKS AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN?
A: A GOOD START.

229) WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU PUT AN "ODOR EATER" IN THE SHOES OF A BLACK MAN?
A: HE DISAPPEARS.

230) WHY DO MEXICANS EAT BEANS?
A: SO THEY CAN HAVE A BUBBLE BATH AT NIGHT.

231) HOW DO YOU DISTINGUISH THE CLANS IN SCOTLAND?
A: IF THERE'S A 1/4 POUNDER UNDER HIS KILT, THEN HE'S A MAC DONALD.

232) WHAT IS A JAPANESE GIRL'S FAVORIT DAY?
A: ERECTION DAY.

233) WHAT DO YOU CALL A HOOKER WITH NO LEGGS?
A: A NIGHT CRAWLER.

234) WHAT DO YOU CALL A MAN WITH NO ARMS OR LEGGS ON THE BOTTOM OF THE
OCEAN?
A: SANDI.

235) WHAT DOES A RUBICK'S CUBE AND A COCK HAVE IN COMMON?
A: THE MORE YOU PLAY WITH IT THE HARDER IT GETS.

236) WHAT DOES A LIFESAVER DO THAT A MAN CAN'T DO?
A: COME IN SEVEN DIFFERENT FLAVORS.

237) WHY DID GOD GIVE WOMEN NIPPLES?
A: TO MAKE SUCKERS OF MEN.

238) WHAT DO YOU CALL A VIRGIN ON A WATERBED?
A: A CHERRY FLOAT.

239) WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOUR KOTEX CATCHES ON FIRE?
A: TAMPON IT.

240) WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A LIGHT BULB AND A PREGNANT WOMAN?
A: YOU CAN ALWAYS UNSCREW A LIGHT BULB.

241) WHAY'S PLAYBOY'S DEFINITION FOR A "WIFE"?
A: "AN ATTACHMENT YOU SCREW ON THE BED TO GET THE HOUSE WORK DONE."

242) WHAT DOES AN OVEN AND A WOMAN BOTH HAVE IN COMMON?
A: YOU HAVE TO GET BOTH HOT BEFORE YOU PUT THE MEAT IN.

243) HOW DO YOU MAKE A HORMONE?
A: 1) DON'T PAY HER. (or)
2) PUT SAND IN HER VASILINE.

244) WHAT DO YOU CALL AN INDIAN WITH HERPIES?
A: CHIEF RUNNING SORE.

245) WHAT'S A LEPPER'S THEME SONG?
A: "PUT YOUR HAND ON MY SHOULDER".

246) WHAT DO YOU CALL A GAY MAN WITH DIARHEA?
A: JUICY FRUIT.

247) WHAT DO YOU CALL A GAY DENTIST?
A: THE TOOTH FAIRY.

248) WHAT DOES A MAN DO STANDING UP, A WOMEN DOES SITTING DOWN, AND A DOG
DOES WITH ONE LEGG?
A: SHAKE HANDS.

249) WHAT DID SPOCK FIND IN THE TOILET?
A: THE CAPTAIN'S LOG.

250) WHY CAN'T YOU GO THE BATHROOM AT A BEATLE'S CONCERT?
A: BECAUSE THERE'S NO JOHN.

251) WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A TIRE AND A BLACK MAN?
A: TIRES DON'T SING, WHEN YOU PUT CHAINS ON.

252) HOW CAN YOU TELL, WHEN A POLISH WOMAN IS HAVING HER PERIOD?
A: WHEN SHE'S WARING ONLY ONE SOCK.

253) HOW ARE GOAL TENDERS AND POLISH WOMEN ALIKE?
A: THEY BOTH CHANGE THEIR PADS AFTER THREE PERIODS.

254) WHAY DO DILDOWS AND SOYBEANS HAVE IN COMMON?
A: THEY ARE BOTH MEAT SUBSTITUTES.

255) WHY DID THE FELLOW TRADE HIS WIFE IN FOR AN OUTHOUSE?
A: BECAUSE THE HOLE WAS SMALLER AND THE SMELL WAS BETTER.

256) WHY DO WOMEN HAVE TWO HOLES CLOSE TOGETHER?
A: IN CASE YOU MISS.

257) WHAT DO YOU HAVE WHEN 50,000 BLACKS JUMP OUT OF AIRPLANES AT THE SAME
TIME?
A: NIGHT TIME.

258) WHY DON'T BLACK PARENTS LET THEIR CHILDREN PLAY IN THE SNND BAX?
A: BECAUSE CATS WILL BURY THEN.

259) HOW DO YOU STOP FIVE BLACKS FROM BEATING UP ON A WHITE GIRL?
A: THROW THEM A BASKET BALL.

260) WHAT DO YOU CALL A GROUP OF MEXICANS HOLDING HANDS AROUND A HOUSE?
A: A SPICKET FENCE.

261) DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE MEXICAN WHO WAS KILLED IN A PIE EATING CONTEST?
A: A COW STEPPED ON HIS HEAD.

262) WHAT DO LAOTIONS CALL THE DOG CATCHER'S TRUCK?
A: MEALS ON WHEELS.

263) HOW DO YOU CLEAR OUT A K-MART STORE?
A: YELL, "IMMIGRATION".

264) WHY ARE THERE NO MORE CATHOLICS IN MEXICO CITY?
A: THEY'RE ALL "QUAKERS".

265) WHY ARE MEXICANS BUYING UP ALL THE CABBAGE PATCH DOLLS?
A: TO GET THEIR BIRTH CERTIFICATES.

266) WHAT DO YOU CALL A NICARAGUAN BIRTH-CONTROL PILL?
A: CONTRA-CEPTIVE.

267) THREE MEN IN AN AIRPLANE CRASH, DIE, AND GO TO HELL. THEY HAPPEND TO
CATCH THE DEVIL IN A GOOD MOOD, AND HE TELLS THEM THAT FOR TWENTY
DOLLARS APIECE THEY COULD RETURN TO EARTH ALIVE. AFTER THE OFFER WAS
DISCUSSED FOR A BIT, THE IRISHMAN PULLED OUT TWENTY DOLLARS AND -POOF-
FOUND HIMSELF BACK AT HOME.

"WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOU?" ASKED HIS WIFE. AFTER HE EXPLAINED,
SHE ASKED CURIOUSLY, "SO WHERE ARE THE OTHER TWO?"

"GOT ME." SAID THE IRISHMAN. "WHEN I LEFT, THE JEW HAD THE DEVIL DOWN
TO SEVENTEEN-FIFTY AND THE BLACK SAID HE SHOULD BE GETTING A CHECK FROM
THE GOVERNMENT ANY DAY NOW."

268) DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE FAMOUS POLISH DOCTOR?
A: HE PERFORMED THE SUCCESSFUR HEMORRHOID TRANSPLANT.

269) DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE POLISH MOTHER WHO WALKED AROUND WITH A ICE PACK
ON HER BREASTS?
A: SHE WANTED TO KEEP THE MILK FRESH.

270) WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A JEWISH AMERICAN PRINCESS AND A
FREEZER?
A: YOU HAVE TO PLUG IN A FREEZER.

271) HOW IS CHRISTMAS CELEBRATED IN A JEWISH HOME?
A: THEY PUT PARKING METERS ON THE ROOF.

272) DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE NEW JEWISH BANK?
A: WHEN YOU CALL UP THE TELLER COMPLAINS, "YOU NEVER VISIT. YOU NEVER
WRITE. YOU ONLY CALL WHEN YOU WANT MONEY."

273) WHAT MAKES BLACKS SO HORNY?
A: AFRO-DISIACS.

274) WHY DON'T BLACKS TAKE ASPIRIN?
A: THEY'RE TOO PROUD TO PICK COTTON OUT OF THE BOTTLE.

275) HOW DO YOU FIND A BLIND MAN IN A NUDIST COLONY?
A: IT AIN'T HARD.

276) WHAT DO YOU GET FROM A MIDGET COCKSUCKER?
A: A LOW BLOW.

277) DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE GUY WHO LOST THE USE OF HIS ENTIRE LEFT SIDE?
A: HE'S ALL RIGHT NOW.

278) DID YOU HEAR THE ROCK HUDSON DIED FROM FOOD POISONING?
A: HE ATE A BAD WENNIE.

279) WHAT DOES P. L. O. STAND FOR?
A: PUSH LEON OVERBOARD.

280) WHAT DO REAGON AND A TYPEWRITER HAVE IN COMMON?
A: A SEMICOLON.

281) DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE MALE HYGENE DEORDINANT CALLED "UMPIRE"?
A: IT GETS RID OF FOUL BALLS.

282) WHY IS VIRGINITY LIKE A BALLOON?
A: ONE PRICK AND IT'S ALL OVER.

283) DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE PROSTITUTE WITH A MASTERS IN PSYCHOLOGY?
A: SHE'LL BLOW YOUR MIND.

284) WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A SEWING MACHINE AND A LADY JOGGER?
A: A SEWING MACHINE HAS ONLY ONE BOBBIN.

285) WHO ARE THE SIX MOST IMPORTANT MEN IN A WOMAN'S LIFE?
A: 1) THE DOCTOR: HE SAYS, TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF.
2) THE DENTIST: HE SAYS, OPEN WIDE.
3) THE HAIRDRESSER: HE SAYS, DO YOU WANT IT TEASED OR BLOWN?
4) THE INTERIOR DECORATOR: HE SAYS, YOU'LL LIKE IT ONCE IT'S IN.
5) THE MILKMAN: HE SAYS, DO YOU WANT IN FRONT OR IN BACK?
6) THE BANKER: HE SAYS, IF YOU TAKE IT OUT, YOU'LL LOSE
INTEREST.

286) WHY DO FAGS BECOME PALEONTOLOGISTS?
A: TO FIND A HOMO ERECTUS.

287) HOW DO YOU GET RID OF CRABS?
A: FIND A COCKSUCKER WHO LIKES SEAFOOD.

288) WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU SCREW A LEPER?
A: A PIECE OF ASS.

289) DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE NEW SOCIAL PROGRAM IN THE LEPER COLONIES?
A: IT'S CALLED GOVERNMENT HANDOUTS.

290) WHY THE POLISH LEPER GO TO THE AMUNITION DEPOT?
A: TO SEE IF HE COULD BUY SOME ARMS.

291) DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE LEPER COLONY AGAINST NUCLEAR PROLIFERATION?
A: THEY'RE ALREADY DISARMED.

292) HOW DID THE LEPER CASTERATE HIMSELF?
A: HE JERKED HIMSELF OFF.

293) HOW COME THE LEPER COULD'NT SPEAK?
A: THE CAT GOT HIS TONGUE.

294) DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE NEW SCRATCH 'N SNIF STICKERS FOR LEPERS?
A: THEY INCLUDE A NOSE.

295) WHY WAS THE LEPER KICKED OFF THE RELAY TEAM?
A: HE LOST THE LAST LEG OF THE RACE.

296) HOW COME NO ONE IN THE LEPER COLONY COULD WALK AFTER THE WAR?
A: BECAUSE THEY WERE DEFEATED.

297) WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HOLDUP AND A STICKUP?
A: AGE.

298) WHAT DOES A BATERY AND AN OLD MAN'S DICK HAVE IN COMMON?
A: THEY BOTH HAVE DRY CELLS.

299) WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU DROP A PIANO DOWN A MINE SHAFT?
A: A-FLAT MINOR.

300) HOW MUCH CALCIUM IS THERE IN A FRENCH KISS?
A: ENOUGH TO MAKE A BONE SIX INCHES LONG.

301) WHAT COMES AFTER THE POSITION 69?
A: MOUTHWASH.

302) WHAT HAS TWO BALLS AND EATS ANTS?
A: UNCLES.

303) WHAT DO YOU CALL SOMEONE WITH A GONORHREA FETTISH?
A: A CLAPTOMANIAC.

304) WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A XEROX COPIER AND A WURLITZER?
A: A REPRODUCTIVE ORGAN.

305) WHY IS A BOSS LIKE A DIAPER?
A: HE'S ALWAYS ON YOUR ASS AND USUALLY FULL OF SHIT.

306) WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A SCHOOL BUS AND A CUCUMBER?
A: ALL OF THE LITTLE PRICKS ARE ON THE OUTSIDE OF A CUCUMBER.

307) HOW DO YOU MAKE INSTANT EASTER?
A: TWO AND A JEW.

308) WHY CAN'T JEWS EAT GERMANS?
A: BECAUSE THEY GIVE THEM GAS.

309) WHAT'S A POLISH ABORTION?
A HUNGRY RAT ON A STRING.

Why does the new Polish navy use glass bottomed boats?
- So they can see the old Polish navy.

What do you call an experimental monkey in a Cuisinart
- Rhesus Pieces.

A urologist claimed that he could diagnose any condition just by testing
a person's urine. One man, who had tennis elbow, decided to fool the
doctor. He made an appointment, received his specimen jar, and was told
to come back the next day. That night he urinated in the bottle, then
his wife did, followed by his daughter, and then the family dog. Then
he beat off in it. He returned the next day with his sample and gave
it to the doctor for testing. Four hours went by before the doctor came
out. He was really sweating. "you know," he said, "it took me a long
time, but I think I've got it at last. Your wife has VD, your daughter
is pregnant, your dog has mange, and if you would quit beating off, you
wouldn't have tennis elbow."

THE SAFEST TIME TO DRIVE IN LOS ANGELES IS SUNDAY AT 9AM BECAUSE
THE WHITE FOLKS ARE IN CHURCH, THE BLACK FOLKS ARE IN JAIL, AND
THE MEXICANS HAVEN'T GOTTEN THEIR CARS STARTED YET.

Did you hear the one about the all-expenses-paid vacation for losers?
- Grace Kelly drives you to the airport.
- Thurman Munson flies you to a remote tropical island.
- Ted Kennedy's your chauffeur on the island
- You go yachting with Natalie Wood.
- You have drinks with William Holden.
- And Roman Polanski stays home and watches your kids.

A black man was wandering on the beach when he encountered a lamp
burning diesel oil. Bemused, he rubbed it a few times, whereupon a
genie emerged and offered him three wishes. The black immediately
replied, "I want to be White, Tight, and Outta sight!" The genie says,
"Yes, master, your wish is my command.....POOF.........
the black turns into a Tampax.

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
- You can unscrew a lightbulb
*
What is the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?
- You can't hear an enzyme.
*
Have you heard of the new Oriental cook book?
- 101 Ways to Wok your dog.
*

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE NEW CHARITY CREATED BY MICHAEL JACKSON
AND RICHARD PRYOR?
THE IGNITED NEGRO COLLEGE FUND!!
What is the Ignited Negro College Fund's motto?
A mind is a terrible thing to baste.

Which reminds me of the question on last year's SAT--"Which of these
words doesn't belong, and why? Wife, meat, or blowjob?"
Obviously blowjob. You can beat your wife, you can beat your meat, but
you can never ever beat a blowjob.

What is the difference between a job you've had for five years and a
wife you've had for five years?
The job still sucks.

What is the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
.........Beer nuts are about a buck- thirty-nine and deer
.........nuts are under a buck.


WHERE DOES VIRGIN WOOL COME FROM? UGLY SHEEP.

What do elephants use for tampons? Sheep.

How come Mexican families never Bar-B-Que?
....because the beans keep slipping through the grill..

WHAT DO YOU CALL AN ETHIOPIAN WITH THREE DOGS? A CATERER.

WHAT IS THE WORLD'S FASTEST LAND ANIMAL?
AN ETHIOPIAN CHICKEN.

3 men have been stuck on a desert island for 5 years. One day
one of them stubs his toe on something, so he digs it up and its
a lamp. As he pulls it out of the sand, out comes a genie. "You
have freed me from the lamp," said the genie, "so I will grant
you three wishes." They decide that they will have one wish
apiece. The Italian says, "I wish to go back to sunny Italy,
where the food is wonderful, the wine flows, and the women are
beautiful..." he's gone. The Jew says, "I am so thankful
that I can get up this horrible island, I wish to go to Israel
where I can give my eternal thanks at the Western Wall..." and
he's gone too. Only the Pole remains.
"And your wish, sir?" says the genie. "Gee, it's gotten
really lonely here. I wish I had my two friends back."
Poof . . . .

WHAT DO YOU CALL A MAN WITH NO ARMS, NO LEGS, AND AN 11 INCH
SEX ORGAN? SLIGHTLY DISABLED.

HOW MANY ETHIOPIANS DOES IT TAKE TO FILL A PHONE BOOTH?
ALL OF THEM........

WHAT DO YOU SAY TO A ITALIAN IN A 3-PIECE SUIT? WILL THE
DEFENDENT PLEASE RISE?


OK. theres this cliff, if you jump off of it and say something
your wish will be granted. so, an Italian runs up and says 'a bird'
and he flies away. next an American jumps off and says, 'an
eagle' Next, a Jew comes running, trips and says 'oh shit'
and nothing happens.

How do you separate the men from the boys in San Francisco?
With a crowbar.

What do Berkeley coeds put behind their ears to attract men?
Their ankles.

What's another use for a Venetian Blind? Ethiopian Bunk Beds.

St peter was processing admissions to heaven and asked each
entrant if he or she had been faithful during marriage. The
first guy said absolutely and was given a Mercedes Benz to drive
around in. The second said pretty much except for 1 week he ran
off with his secretary, so he got a Ford LTD. The last one said
are you kidding? I was a marketer and had 6 women in every city
I visited! So St Peter can't even give him a Volkswagon Bug...he
has to use a skateboard. So off he goes on the skateboard, and
he sees the guy with the Mercedes kicking his new car. What's
wrong with your car, doesn't it run? It runs fine, said the
faithful husband. I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard.


WHAT DO YOU CALL AN ETHIOPIAN WITH SESAME SEEDS ON HIS HEAD?
A QUARTER POUNDER.


Two drunks were sitting in an alley when they realized that
together they had only $1. Realizing that this was not enough
to get them both drinks one thought quickly and bought a hot
dog. He and his companion then went into a bar and ordered a
round of drinks and sloshed them down. Just before the bartender
came around with the check
the bright drunk pulled out the hotdog, put it in his companion's
fly and gobbled at it. The bartender yelled, "Fags!" and
threw them out of the bar. This worked so well they used the
system at twenty more bars and had a fine time. In the morning
one turned to the other and said, "I'm thirsty, where's the hot
dog." The other replied, "Hell, we lost the hot dog after the
first bar."


The three great lies of Western Civilization:

The check is in the mail.
I'll respect you in the morning.
I won't come in your mouth.

The three great lies of Polish civilization:

The Czech is in my mouth.
I won't come in the mail.
(That's all.)

This guy goes into a doctor's office to get a checkup. The doctor
noticed that the man had a tapeworm up his behind. So the doctor said
for him to come every morning for the next two weeks and he should
bring a pretzel and a cookie. So the man came the next morning and the
doctor said for him to pull down his pants. To the man's horror, the
doctor put the pretzel up his behind, followed by the cookie. Confused
and scared the man came for the next two weeks, with the same results.
On the day before the last day of the two weeks, the doctor told him
to bring a pretzel and a sledgehammer, instead of a cookie. The next
morning, the man came to the doctor as usual and the doctor did the
thing with the pretzel. A few minutes later the tapeworm came out of
the guy's behind and said, "Where the heck's my cookie?" and WHAM!
that's the end of the tapeworm.

****************************************************************

What has 20,000 legs and an I.Q. of four???
------> The Saint Patrick's Day Parade.

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE POLISH GENTLEMAN WHO ACCIDENTALLY LOCKED
HIS KEYS IN HIS CAR?
IT TOOK HIM 3 HOURS TO GET HIS WIFE OUT OF THE CAR....

WHAT DO YOU CALL SOMEONE WITH SYPHILLIS, GONORRHEA, AIDS AND HERPES??
AN INCURABLE ROMANTIC.

What's 10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1?
Bo Derek getting older.

What's 7,8,9,10?
....The woman next to you at the singles bar at 9,10,11,12
o'clock.

Did you hear about the Texan who was so big that when he died,
there wasn't a coffin big enough to fit him?
They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoe box.

What's red, green, blue, yellow, purple, and orange? ......
.....an Italian dressed up.

What do you call an Italian who marries a black?
.....a social climber.

How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
.............None, that's a hardware problem.

What do you call an Ethiopian taking a dump?
....a show-off.

How do you tell an Ethiopian Jew from other Ethiopians?
....by the gold Rolex around his waist.

What do you call an Ethiopian in a dinner jacket?
....an optimist.



 December 16, 2017  Add comments

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