Category : Various Text files
Archive   : HISTORY.ZIP
Filename : HISTORY.TXT

 
Output of file : HISTORY.TXT contained in archive : HISTORY.ZIP






One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History
teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student
blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following
history of the world from certifiably genuine student
bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States,
from eight grade through college level. Read carefully, and
you will learn a lot.


The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They
lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The
climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to
live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are
cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids
in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pramids are a
range of mountains between France and Spain.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the
first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created
from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I
my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on
Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's
birthmark. Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve
sons to be partiarchs, but they did not take to it. One of
Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without
straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made
unleavened bread, which is bread made without any
ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to
get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at
playing the liar. He fougth with the Philatelists, a race of
people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's
sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The
Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric
and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the
River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears i
"The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in
which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on
his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by
another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around
giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from
an overdose of wedlock.
In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled
the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor
was a coral wreath. The government of Athen was democratic
because the people took the law into their own hands. There
were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that
they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were
doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were
outnumbered because the Persians had more men.
Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call
people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very












long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their
hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields
of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought
he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who
would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to
them.
Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the
Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod
mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of
Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of
the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the
Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice
for the same offense.
In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The
greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems
and verse and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of
William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while
standing on his son's head.
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt
the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to
the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences.
He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It
was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that
made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of
great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the
Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he
invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the
circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the
world with a 100-foot clipper.
The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry
VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his
knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen
she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her
troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out
and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William
Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous
only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his
merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one
of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his
situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In
another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the
King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an
example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as
Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote".
The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise
Lost." Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise Regained."
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher
Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while
cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina,
the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the
Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they
landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who
came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The












Indian squabs carried porposies on their back. Many of the
Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which
proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one
for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were
born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the
English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would
send their pacels through the post without stamps. During
the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over
stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing.
Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay
for taxis.
Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the
Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin
Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence.
Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his
pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented
electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse
divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790
and is still dead.
George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time
became the Father of Our Country. Then the Constitution of
the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility.
Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep
bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.
Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log
cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was
President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion
there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg
address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the
back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation
Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-
Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher
and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the
night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got
shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture
show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a
supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable
time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book
called "Candy". Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is
chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling
off the trees.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so
was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half
English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the
present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He
was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the
forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven
expired in 1827 and later died for this.
France was in a very serious state. The French
Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The
Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and












it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the
crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then
the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at
Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems
and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to
inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she
couldn't bear him any children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the
British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.
Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for
63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her
life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was
the final event which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of many great
inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat
caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick
invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred
men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis
Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a
naturailst who wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madman
Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the
Marx Brothers.
The First World War, cause by the assignation of the
Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of
human history.





































  3 Responses to “Category : Various Text files
Archive   : HISTORY.ZIP
Filename : HISTORY.TXT

  1. Very nice! Thank you for this wonderful archive. I wonder why I found it only now. Long live the BBS file archives!

  2. This is so awesome! 😀 I’d be cool if you could download an entire archive of this at once, though.

  3. But one thing that puzzles me is the “mtswslnkmcjklsdlsbdmMICROSOFT” string. There is an article about it here. It is definitely worth a read: http://www.os2museum.com/wp/mtswslnk/