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A History of the World
by Richard Lederer

One of the fringe benefits of being an English or history teacher is
receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have
pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine
student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from
eighth grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.

The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the
Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that
the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are
cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a
huge triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains between France and

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the
Bible, Guinnesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their
children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's father?" God asked Abraham to
sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's
birthmark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patri-
archs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse
to the Israelites. (1)

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led
them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made
without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get
the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines. (2)

Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three
kinds of columns -- Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths. A
myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him
in the river Stynx until he became intollerable. Achilles appears in "The
Iliad", by Homer. Homer also wrote "The Oddity", in which Penelope was the
last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not
written by Homer, but by another man of that name. (3)

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice.
They killed him. Socrates died of an overdose of wedlock. (4)

In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and
threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government
of Athens was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands.
There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't
climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought with the
Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men. (5)

Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History calls people Romans
because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the
guests wore garlics in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the
battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he
was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his
poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames (6), King
Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his troops before
the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized bu Bernard Shaw, and
victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta
provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer
of the times was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote
literature. (7) Another tale tells of William Tell (8), who shot an arrow
through an apple while standing on his son's head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of
their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg
for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated
by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that
made him the Father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and
discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a histor-
ical figure because he invented cigarettes. (9) Another important invention
was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a
100-foot clipper. (10)

The government of England was a limited mockery. (11) Henry VIII found
walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was
the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed
herself before her troops, they all shouted, "hurrah." Then the navy went out
and defeated the Spanish Armadillo. (12)

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. (13)
Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He
lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies, and
errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation
by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to
convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet
are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear
was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote." (14) The next great author was
John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife died and he wrote
"Paradise Regained."

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great
navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships
were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later, the Pilgrims
crossed the Ocean, and this was known as "Pilgrim's Progress." (15) When they
landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians, who came down the
hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises
on the backs. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their
cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one
for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John
Smith was responsible for all this. (16)

One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in
their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post
without stamps. During the War, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing
balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. (17)
Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the
Declaration of Independence. (18) Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his
clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented
electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against
itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father
of Our Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to
secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the
right to keep bare arms. (19)

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother
died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own
hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said,
"In onion there is strength." (20) Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg
Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an
envelope. He also freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation,
and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. (21) But the
Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent
victims. It claimed it represented law and odor. (22) On the night of April
14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the
actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes
Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire
invented electricity (23) and also wrote a book called "Candy." Gravity was
invented by Isaac Walton. (24) It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when
the apples are falling off the trees.

Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel
was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. Bach
died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf.
He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even
when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died
for this. (25)

France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomp-
lished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French
Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the
crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish
gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon
became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. (26) He
wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a Baroness, she
couldn't bear children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in
the East and the sun sets in the West. (27) Queen Victoria was the longest
queen. She sat on a thorn for sixty-three years. Her reclining years and
finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. (28)
Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts.
The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus
McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
(29) Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. (30) Louis Pasteur discov-
ered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the "Organ
of the Species." Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of
the Marx Brothers.

The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf,
ushered in a new error in the anals of human history. (31)


Mr. Science's Very Own Educational Footnotes:

(1) Unfortunately, ever since this, the Jews have been handed a lot more
trash from practically everyone else.

(2) The effect of the bill for feeding this menagerie may be judged by the
following ditty, found scratched into the side of Solomon's throne,
presumably by the King's own hand:
"How doth the fretful porpentine / increase each shining hour..."

(3) Possibly Homer, but probably not.

(4) See any account of Socrates' domestic relations with his wife, Xanthippe
(which in my simple translation comes out 'Yellow Horse'), to see how an
overdose of wedlock could be possible. Sounds like an old-time sitcom in
places... what a wife!

(5) That sounds suspiciously like this economics lesson, which I think is
attributed to Calvin Coolidge or maybe Herbert Hoover (or one of our
greatest presidents, surely):
"When many people are out of work, unemployment results."
Really cuts to the heart of the matter, doesn't it?

(6) But too late for poor Socrates.

(7) Just in case there is anyone out there who actually likes the Canterbury
Tales, you may change your mind after reading MY version of the roster of
The Streete Walker, the Pympe, the Loan Sharke, and the Conne Man,
Larrye, Moe, Curlye, and Shempe, the Dude, the Male Nurse, the Jazze
Synger, the Deputye of Fyfe, the Auctioneer, the Wympe, the Slave Girl,
the Ryver-Boate Gambler, Dopey, Sneezy, the Presse Secretarye, the
Eunuch, the Soothsayer, the Professore and Marye Ann, and Uncle Tomm
Willys and All.
If you are all good I won't be forced actually to upload the text of my
"Canterbury Wails"...

(8) Do tell!

(9) As well as those little premium coupons that come on every pack,
redeemable for valuable gift items.

(10) OUCH!!!!! But then, I guess you would need a big clipper to do THAT.

(11) A tradition continued to this very day.

(12) After such an awe-inspiring sight, they just had to go out and do
something drastic, and there was the Armadillo (or whatever)...

(13) Actually, Shakespeare himself spelled his name so many ways in writing
that choosing which is 'correct' is more a matter of statistics than of
English... no fooling. But just try explaining this to an English
teacher who's just marked your creative spelling effort wrong! I'll try
to find the list of fifty or so ways he signed his name -- quite funny.
Includes stuff like "Shaxpeere".

(14) No doubt because Don Quixote's squire, Sancho Panza, rides on a donkey.

(15) The Pilgrims' Progress was such a long trip that they all developed
Bunyans on their feet...

(16) Oh, John, if only you hadn't gotten mixed up with both that Pocahontas
chick and Priscilla Mullens! I just knew it'd all end in tears.

(17) Have you ever heard a peacock 'crowing'? They are known as the world's
most beautiful bird with the world's ugliest voice. I know, because I
live about a block from a family that keeps a flock (no, more like a
HERD) of peacocks, and the unearthly weird cries of those awful critters
has more than once woken me up... and not a Redcoat in sight!

(18) It is not generally known that the Declaration was originally intended
to be sung, not written; this plan was quietly dropped when the drafters
of the proposed musical heard each other's singing voices.

(19) This right is essential to the fisticuffs involved in a typical round of
domestic hostility.

(20) Compare this to Friar Laurence's statement in "Romeo and Juliet" (Act
II, Scene III):
"O, Mickle is the powerful grace, that lies / In plants, herbs, stones,
and their true qualities."
Could the mysterious substance mickle exist in the onion as well?

(21) These "ex-Negroes" apparently received citizenship in exchange for their
Negrohood. They are now blacks.

(22) Correct on the one count -- the "Clue Clux Clan" stinks, alright.

(23) Starting a long and bitter patent dispute with Franklin over the rights
to distribution of electricity in bottles, to be carried by horse-drawn
carts to city-dwellers every morning. Technical difficulties involving
training horses to walk in the pitch blackness of early morning wearing
foot-thick, felt-insulated shoes stalled the project indefinitely. Good
thing, too.

(24) Gravity helped to ensure that his angling lures fell down toward the
fish, not up toward the clouds, where fish always fall from (heh heh), so
he invented it.

(25) Let this be an object lesson to those of you who let your library cards

(26) Well, wouldn't YOU, if your flanks were being nipped at by gorillas?

(27) This is so much better than the usual explanation of that familiar phrase
that I think it ought to be in ALL textbooks from now on.

(28) Think about the sort of woman described as having a 'great personality';
now go look at a picture of Queen Victoria. Yup. You got it.

(29) Freeing them to go out and rape independently, from what I can tell.

(30) Funny -- I developed a code after standing in the cold rain all night.

(31) This one reveals such a sick mind (mine!) that I won't attempt to explain
it here.

  3 Responses to “Category : Various Text files
Archive   : GFILES.ZIP
Filename : ENGLISH.TXT

  1. Very nice! Thank you for this wonderful archive. I wonder why I found it only now. Long live the BBS file archives!

  2. This is so awesome! 😀 I’d be cool if you could download an entire archive of this at once, though.

  3. But one thing that puzzles me is the “mtswslnkmcjklsdlsbdmMICROSOFT” string. There is an article about it here. It is definitely worth a read: