Category : Various Text files
Archive   : GFILES.ZIP
Filename : DICTION.TXT

 
Output of file : DICTION.TXT contained in archive : GFILES.ZIP

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º THE DUMPTY DICTIONARY VERSION 2.0 º
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* From PC Magazine Volume 5 Number 18, by Stephen Manes *
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BEGINNER: A person who believes more than one-sixteenth of a computer
salesperson's spiel.
ADVANCED USER: A person who has managed to remove a computer from its
packaging materials.
POWER USER: A person who has mastered the brightness and contrast controls
on any computer's monitor.
SALES ASSOCIATE: A former Cheesemonger who has recently traded mascarpone for
MS-DOS.
SALES MANAGER: Last week's new sales associate.
CONSULTANT: A former sales manager who has mastered at least one-tenth of
the dBASEIII plus manual.
SYSTEMS INTEGRATOR: A former consultant who understands the term AUTOEXEC.BAT.
WARRANTY: Disclaimer.
SERVICE: Cursory examination, followed by utterance of the phrase "it
can't be ours" and either of the words "hardware" or "software."
SUPPORT: The mailing of advertising literature to customers who have
returned a registration card.
ALPHA TEST VERSION: Too buggy to be released to the paying public.
BETA TEST VERSION: Still too buggy to be released.
RELEASED VERSION: Alternate pronunciation of "beta test version."
ENHANCED: Less awful in some ways than the previous model, and less likely
to work as expected; e.g., "Enhanced Graphics Adaptor",
"Enhanced Keyboard", "Enhanced Extended Memory Specification."
CONVERTIBLE: Transformable from a 2nd-rate computer into a 1st-rate doorstop
or paperweight. (Lexicographical note: replaces term "junior.")
UPGRADED: Didn't work the first time.
UPGRADED AND IMPROVED: Didn't work the second time.
FAST (6 MHz): Nowhere near fast enough.
SUPERFAST (8 MHz): Not fast enough.
BLINDINGLY FAST (10 MHz): Almost fast enough.
ASTOUNDINGLY FAST (12 MHz): Fast enough to work only intermittently.
MEMORY RESIDENT: Ready at the press of a key to disable any currently
running program.
MULTITASKING: A clever method of simultaneously slowing down the multitude
of computer programs that insist on running too fast.
ENCRYPTION: A powerful algorithmic encoding technique employed in the
creation of computer manuals.
DESKTOP PUBLISHING: A system of software and hardware enabling users to create
documents with a cornucopia of typefaces and graphics and
the intellectual content of a Formica slab; often used in
conjunction with encryption.
HIGH RESOLUTION: Having nothing to do with graphics on IBM-compatible
microcomputers.
FCC-CERTIFIED: Guaranteed not to interfere with radio or television reception
until you add the cable required to make it work.
AMERICAN: Italian or Taiwanese, as in "American Telephone and Telegraph."
AMERICAN-MADE: Assembled in the United States from parts made abroad.
WINDOWS: A slow-moving relation of the rodent family rarely seen near
computers but commonly found in specially marked packages of
display cards, turbo cards, and Grape Nuts cereal.
TOPVIEW: The official position of IBM brass that an abysmally slow
character-based multitasking program is the product of the
future.
SHAREWARE: Software usually distinguished by its awkward user interfaces,
skimpy manuals, lack of official user support, and particularly
its free distribution and upgrading via simple disk copying.
DOS SHELL: An educational tool forcing computer users to learn new methods
of doing what they already can.
UNIX: Sterile experts who attempt to palm off bloated, utterly arcane,
and confusing operating systems on rational human beings.
EMS: Emergency Medical Service; often summoned in cases of apoplexy
induced by attempts to understand extended, expanded, and
enhanced expanded memory specifications.
VIDEOTEX: A Moribund electronic service offering people the privilege of
paying to read the weather on their TV screens instead of having
Willard Scott read it to them for free while they brush their
teeth.
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE: The amazing, humanlike ability of a computer program
to understand that the letter y means "yes" and the
letter n means "no."
ELECTRONIC MAIL: A communications system with built-in delays and errors
designed to emulate those of the United States Postal Service.
C-PY PR-T-CT--N: An obscenity unfit to print and fast disappearing from common
parlance.
TURBO CARD: A device that increases an older-model computer's speed almost
enough to compensate for the time wasted getting it to work.
LASER PRINTER: A xerographic copying machine with additional malfunctioning
parts.
WORKSTATION: A computer or terminal slavishly linked to mainframe that does
not offer game programs.
RISC: The gamble that a computer directly compatible with nothing else
on the planet may actually have decent software written for it
someday.
AUTOEXEC.BAT: A sturdy aluminum or wood shaft used to coax AT hard disks into
performing properly.
PLOTTER: A terrorists hypodermic device used to inject boring graphic
representations of boring data into boring meetings.
CLONE: One of may advanced-technology computers IBM is beginning to
wish it had built.
CD-ROM: An optical device with storage sufficient to hold the billions
of predictions claiming it will revolutionize the information
industry.
IBM PRODUCT CENTERS: Historical landmarks forever memorializing the concept of
"List Price Only."
IBM: Somewhat like an IBM product; in current parlance, invariably
followed by the word "compatible."



  3 Responses to “Category : Various Text files
Archive   : GFILES.ZIP
Filename : DICTION.TXT

  1. Very nice! Thank you for this wonderful archive. I wonder why I found it only now. Long live the BBS file archives!

  2. This is so awesome! 😀 I’d be cool if you could download an entire archive of this at once, though.

  3. But one thing that puzzles me is the “mtswslnkmcjklsdlsbdmMICROSOFT” string. There is an article about it here. It is definitely worth a read: http://www.os2museum.com/wp/mtswslnk/