Category : Various Text files
Archive   : GFILES.ZIP
Filename : D00D.TXT

 
Output of file : D00D.TXT contained in archive : GFILES.ZIP
The SysOp's Guide to D00Dspeak.
Electrik Kool Aid

A phenomenon exists across the BBSs in this nation which makes it
difficult to understand a portion of the users on these systems. Where
once English and plain communication presided there now exists a growing
vile undercurrent: This scourge is D00Dspeak.

The world of computers contains jargon and babble that would confuse the
uninitiated, but this new lexicon of clever children can reduce even those
in-the-know to blathering idiots in short order. Before you can take the
steps to become fluent, you must understand it's origins:

* WHAT IS A D00D?

A dude is a computer user who has a modem and seeks to differentiate
himself from un-d00ds. Since the nature of BBS communications make it
nearly impossible to base prejudice against a user from external clues
like appearance, speech patterns, and general poise; d00ds provide the
missing plumage through "clever" misuse of the English language and
the ASCII character set.

* NATURE AND FEEDING HABITS

A d00d is typically a teenage computer user of often higher intelligence
than his non-computer peers. Though the very use of the computer tends
to signify the potential for higher-reasoning, this innate ability is
discarded for the motif of the carefree know-it-all-and-then-some user.

Physical characteristics are difficult to assimilate into one stereotype
as d00ds can be observed only via indirect means. D00ds are primarily
active during the 3 pm to 9:30 pm period during weekdays but may prowl
at any time during weekends and school holidays.

Secondary behavioral characteristics include, but are not limited to,
in-depth involvement with sociopathic fantasies, feigned homophobia,
scathing rebuttals to innocent enquiries by other users, preoccupation
with the construction of explosive devices, crude discussions of
sexual activity and genitalia, and base references to human excretory
functions.

D00ds seem to draw sustenance only from fast-food franchises and
solemnly attest to their consumption of large volumes of alcoholic
beverages. Though often a d00d has no first-hand knowledge with
going on a lost weekend, it is not unusual to see one claim to
have "gotten so wasted" as to not be able to finish "the third
bottle of 151". "Cafeteria" food seems to repel d00ds, as they
prefer to spend their lunch money on pizza and Big Macs.

* DETERMINING A D00D FROM AN AVERAGE USER:

D00ds have the ability to blend into the general user population
if needed, but sometimes forget their attempt at stealth. Though
the d00d may not exude blatant warning signs, subtle differences
can be discovered upon careful scrutiny.

A d00d is far from k00l if he doesn't have a "signature". It is
nearly a requisite that this signature contain several of the
foreign characters found in the IBM high-ASCII set. Examples:

Žg‰¤t ¤…r‡˜ žr†Åˆ M†sŊr ¨The õøkˆr?
œç. |\/|ahäM DîîP âhré„ç €„pt‹aï á…rŸ

Advanced versions have animation, every color available via ANSI
control codes, and occupy 70% or better of the total message.

A d00d has the yearning desire to run a limited-access BBS for
all his k00l friends. Often these systems traffic only in
pirated game software, erroneous phreaking information, and
text files describing various felonious acts. Due to funding
constraints, these BBSes are usually limited in hours to 10am
until 10pm. But if you call "NOW!!!!!!" you can be a co-sysop.
This is a big help if you like to steal other user's passwords
and home phone numbers.

D00ds tend to ignore (or misuse), punctuation leave incomplete
sentences "dangling, and; sometimes. Run-on sentences are
also very favorite.

Sexual intercourse occupies a large portion of a d00d's higher
brain activity. Often a d00d will exaggerate about the sexual
partners he has "had", but when pressed for details will only
respond with a meek "well, if you don't know by now, I ain't
gonna tell you..." In place of voluptuous "babes - eager for
it", a d00d will substitute every single XXX-rated .GIF your BBS
has available. Astute sysops will relabel Disney characters as:

BAMBI .GIF 720k : Awesome piece of meat who likes it in the woods!!!
BASHFUL .GIF 601k : One of seven hot, hot images - over 21 only!!!
GOOFY .GIF 422k : XXX - You've never seen it like this before!!!

Color is also a significant tip-off. If a user tends to use
color for no apparent purpose, chances are he is a d00d.

* DANGERS OF D00DS

D00ds are intrinsically harmless to your computer and BBS. However,
just as barnacles on a ship impede it's progress, a d00d can cause
your system to become an electronic wasteland devoid of anything
resembling stimulating conversation.

Though your BBS will use the same amount of electricity whether or
not a d00d is monopolizing it, the purpose of most BBSes extends
slightly beyond creating a Romper Room for introverted teenagers.
Every minute that a d00d spends on your system is one less minute
that an intelligent (or even literate) caller could have utilized.

Further, d00ds tend to litter your hard disk with pirated and
corrupt files, pointless messages (sent in the hope of beating
the post/call ratio), and other sorts of tripe than can be the
cause of hypertension and other SysOp physical ailments.

Discouraging d00ds from calling and eliminating those who manage
to call anyway is a highly rewarding activity. Call-back user
verification seems to work wonders for this, but some SysOps may
care to take a more active stance:

1> Randomly change user CTRL-x macros to user's real phone number.
2> Forward d00d's private mail to another d00d. Get a "conspiracy"
going with two against another. Works especially well with #1.
3> Periodically jiggle the phone on it's cradle during long downloads.
4> Modify BBS source code to interpret "/S" as "/ABT" for certain
security levels. Assign d00ds this SL.
5> Set up a private sub that has lists of FBI phone numbers labeled
as "extender codez". Allow only d00ds to see it.
6> Send $1, in the d00ds real name, to an evangelical Christian fellowship
Include his address, home phone number, and mention he is hospitalized
with a terminal illness and is going to be writing his will soon.
7> Set your BBS to make 4:30am d00d-check call during nightly routines.
8> Call d00d with your voice line every time you see him logged on to be
sure he figured out how to disable call waiting.
9> Randomly press F3 during d00d activity.
10> Create "AWESOME!!! on-line game" that subtracts 20 points from user's
security level. Have it send 300 ASCII "beeps" each time its run.
11> Delete any user with "Captain", "Agent", "Master", "Ninja" or numerals
as part of his name.
12> Modify editor to abort any message with more than two consecutive "!"s.
13> Modify editor to hang up on any user who uses "sucks" more than twice.
14> Modify BBS to delete anyone who attempts to chat again after being told
"SysOp not available, use feedback instead".
15> Modify "Flashing Red" color sequence (CTRL-P, 7) to hang up on user.

D00ds are persistent. These techniques will not permanently deter a die-hard,
but time wounds all heels. Eventually, if you delay him enough, he will reach
late puberty and will spend more of his time asking his parents for car keys
than bothering you. This is the moment to savor - he has left your BBS and
will now spend the next two or three years resurfacing the streets with rubber
at each and every stoplight...

* THE LEXICON OF D00DSPEAK

filez This term refers to "files". D00ds have a fixation with the
letter "Z".

d00d The subject of this profile. Slightly higher than goldfish in
attention span.

k00l Refers to the relative acceptance level of an idea or object.
Also provides clues as to how many "babes" the d00d has "had".

l8tr Refers to a time in the future. Typically disguises d00d's age.

welp Babies are born, birds are hatched, d00ds are welped.

elite A misnomer that suggests special privileges. Often allows
access to all 71 disks of Leisure Suit Larry XXIV.

phreaking A special method whereby d00ds can involve their parents in
the hobby by having men in grey sedans follow the parents
everywhere.

codez Another "Z" term. Refers to special symbols and incantations
a d00d may use to encourage the men in the grey sedans to
arrive faster, in larger numbers, and bearing litigation.

PBX Private Branch Exchange. Assists d00ds in spending 16 hours
hacking library card catalog systems.

BTW By The Way. Often used as shorthand by "power-d00ds".

duz (that mean something?)

(sys)'OP Refers to the person who provides free babysitting for d00ds.

warez Special software that is commercially sold and stolen by
d00ds. Typically a video game, often missing vital portions.

yo! The preamble to any sentence a d00d speaks.

awesome The adjective to any sentence a d00d speaks.

!(!!!!!!) The postscript qualifier to any d00d sentence that contains
more than one word.

. Hypothetical - but never observed - postscript qualifier to
a d00d sentence.

6Û Special d00d color. Possibly religious symbolism.

ATH0 The "final solution" for the vile scourge of d00dspeak.



  3 Responses to “Category : Various Text files
Archive   : GFILES.ZIP
Filename : D00D.TXT

  1. Very nice! Thank you for this wonderful archive. I wonder why I found it only now. Long live the BBS file archives!

  2. This is so awesome! 😀 I’d be cool if you could download an entire archive of this at once, though.

  3. But one thing that puzzles me is the “mtswslnkmcjklsdlsbdmMICROSOFT” string. There is an article about it here. It is definitely worth a read: http://www.os2museum.com/wp/mtswslnk/