Category : Various Text files
Archive   : BARRY.ZIP
Filename : BARRY09.ASC
By Dave Barry
There are many things you can do during a long airplane flight to take
your mind off the fact that you are several miles up in the air in a heavy
object built and operated by people you don't even know, people who could well
be insane, careless, suicidal drug addicts.
For one thing, you can listen to the safety lecture given by the flight
attendants (who were known as "stewardesses" before some of them became males)
just before the plane takes off. The flight attendants demonstrate the safety
features of the plane, the main one being little plastic bags that pop out of
the ceiling when the plane starts to crash. You're supposed to put a bag over
your mouth and breath from it; this insures that you will have an adequate
supply of oxygen until the plane hits the ground at 300 or 400 miles an hour.
Another safety feature is that the seats float, so the airline can retrieve
them if the plane crashes into the ocean.
When you get right down to it, the safety lecture is a silly idea. I
mean, if the passengers really thought the plane was going to crash, they
wouldn't get on it in the first place; let alone learn how to get an adequate
oxygen supply on the way down. As a result, most passengers pay no attention
whatsoever to the safety lecture. The flight attendants know this, and out of
sheer boredom, they long ago stopped reading the Official Safety Lecture
Script. Next time you're on a plane, listen closely to what they actually
say:
"Hi, I'm Debbie, the chief flight attendant, and on behalf of the entire
crew I'd like to welcome you aboard Flight 302 to Bermuda. Much of our flight
will be over water, so I'd like to remind you that if we do crash, there is an
excellent chance that those of us who survive will be eaten by sharks. Please
note that various windows are designated as emergency exits, the kind that
have been known to pop open for no good reason at extremely high altitudes.
Now if you will look at the front of the cabin, one of the flight attendants
will demonstrate how to seal Tupperware containers. Thank you and we hope you
enjoy the flight."
After the Safety Lecture comes the takeoff, which is terrifying until
you realize that the pilot has probably taken off thousands of times without a
mishap, which means that the odds of a mishap occurring get better every time.
Once you're in the air, you get the Pilot's Message:
"Good afternoon, this is Pilot Horvel Grist speaking. My co-pilot and I
are up here with a whole batch of dials and gauges and controls of every kind
and everything seems to be pretty much the way they described it in Pilot
School. We'll be cruising along at an altitude of 38,000 knots, and we should
reach our destination just about on schedule, after which we'll circle it for
five or six hours. That large object we're passing over right now is
Pittsburgh. Or the Grand Canyon. We'll let you know once we pin it down."
Sometimes the pilot lets you listen in on his conversations with Air
Traffic Control. Pilots are always talking to Air Traffic Control. Pilots
are always talking to Air Traffic Control to make sure they go in the right
directions and don't whack into anything in midair. These conversations are
conducted in crisp, professional language:
Pilot: Come in, Air Traffic Control. This is a great big jet up in the
sky.
Air Traffic Controller: A great big what?
Pilot: Jet.
Air Traffic Controller: Oh, Jet. I thought you said pet. I was
picturing this huge Russian wolfhound whizzing around up there.
Pilot (panicking): Did you say there's a huge Russian missile in the
air?
Air Traffic Controller (screaming): My God! There's a huge Russian
missile in the air! Somebody notify the Strategic Air Command!
Pilot: I'm going to try to land on the Interstate.
Another fun thing to do during long plane trips is read the paperback
books they sell in airports. They break down into the following category:
* Spy Thrillers, in which evil people, usually Nazis left over from
World War II, nearly blow up the world or kill the president or the Pope. If
the airport books are any indication, there are at least 450,000 evil Nazi
World War II geniuses still at large, many of them with atomic laser cannons.
Look for a large swastika on the cover; this is the publishing industry's way
of letting you know it's a fun book.
Very nice! Thank you for this wonderful archive. I wonder why I found it only now. Long live the BBS file archives!
This is so awesome! 😀 I’d be cool if you could download an entire archive of this at once, though.
But one thing that puzzles me is the “mtswslnkmcjklsdlsbdmMICROSOFT” string. There is an article about it here. It is definitely worth a read: http://www.os2museum.com/wp/mtswslnk/