Dec 122017
 
Some great one liners.
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Some great one liners.
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All that follows is excerpted from a file named CLASSICS.TXT
by PINNACLE SOFTWARE



MURPHY'S LAWS OF COMPUTING
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Author unknown


1. PEOPLE ALWAYS remember the last mistake that you made.

2. HE WHO hesitates is probably smart.

3. THE ONE WHO does the least of work always gets the most credit.

4. THE LESS a computer peripheral costs, the more it costs to fix.

5. WHATEVER HAPPENS, behave like you meant it to happen.

6. EXPERIENCE IS something you don't get until after you needed it most.

7. CONFIDENCE IS the feeling you get just before you fully understand the
problem!

8. WHEN YOU get to the point where you really understand your computer
system, it's probably obsolete!

9. AS SOON AS you find that your computer is easy to use, add some
peripherals you don't understand how to operate.

10. NO MATTER WHAT goes wrong with your carefully planned database system,
there's always someone who says they knew it would.

11. IT IS ONLY WHEN you need to knock on wood that you realize that the
world is entirely made up from aluminum and plastic.

12. YOU ALWAYS FIND the information you need on the page of the manual you
look at last. [That's because when you find it, you stop looking -- Tim]

13. THE FIRST place to look for information is in the section of the manual
you least expect to find it.

14. YOU KNOW you have a REAL CRISIS on your hands when you can't say: "Let's
forget the whole thing".

15. THE TIME IT TAKES to fix the error in your program is inversely
proportional to the time it took to damage it in the first place.

16. WHEN THE going gets tough, upgrade.

17. FOR EVERY action there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

18. IN TECHNOLOGY, anything is possible if you know it isn't available.

19. TO ERR is human, to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more
human.

20. HE WHO laughs last probably made a backup.

21. IF AT FIRST you don't succeed, blame your computer.

22. THAT WHICH can not be serviced will require the most service.

23. IF YOU TAKE a computer apart and put it back together enough times, you
will end up with two computers... neither of which works!

24. THE EASIEST computers to use are those YOU don't have to use.

25. IF YOU CONSULT enough computer experts it is possible to confirm ANY
opinion.

26. IF YOU CAN distinguish between good advice and bad advice, you probably
don't need any advice at all.

27. A COMPLEX SYSTEM that doesn't work is invariably found to have evolved
from a simple system that worked well.

28. NO JOB is so simple that it can't get screwed up.

29. THE PERSON WHO says that something can't be done should never interrupt
the person who is doing it.

30. THE NUMBER ONE cause of computer problems is computer solutions!

31. IF AN HOUR has been spent perfecting a sentence, a committee will decide
to delete the paragraph.

32. AN ANALYST COMMITTEE is a group of people doing the work of one real

programmer.

33. WHEN YOU'RE ASKED if you need help to understand a computer program, say
"NO", then negotiate.

34. THE FURTHER OFF new technological developments are, the better they look.

35. A SPECIALIST IS someone who knows more and more about less and less,
until he gets to the point where he knows absolutely everything about next to
nothing.

36. A CONCLUSION IS what you've come to when you reach a point that you
can't think anymore.

37. YOU CAN ALWAYS spot an expert in a crowd. He's the person who says that
the project will take the longest to complete and will cost the most.

38. THE COMPONENT WHICH has the shortest lifespan, will always be located in
the least serviceable location.

39. ANY CIRCUIT DESIGN will always contain at least one part which is
obsolete, two parts which are not longer obtainable, and three parts which
are still under development!

40. WHENEVER YOU don't understand what you are doing, remember to always do
it neatly.

41. ANY TECHNICAL problem can be solved given enough time and money, but you
will never be given enough time and money!

42. THE SECRET TO to a successful presentation is sincerity. Once you can
fake sincerity you've got it made!

43. IN ANY DEPARTMENT there will be always be one person who understands
computers. This person usually gets transferred to another department.

44. A COMPUTER program will always do what you tell it to do, but never what
you want it to do!

45. A PROJECT ALWAYS expands to fill your available memory.

46. IF IT would be cheaper to buy a new unit, management always insists on
repairing the old one. If it is cheaper to repair the old one, management
will insist on replacing it with the latest model!

47. IF IT WEREN'T for the last minute, nothing would ever get done!

Ed Bear's List
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A cow eats without a knife.
A gift of flowers will soon be made to you.
A king's castle is his home.
A lie in time saves nine.
A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never.
A man who turns green has eschewed protein.
A man without a god is like a fish without a bicycle.
A stitch in time saves nine.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn.
A vivid and creative mind characterizes you.
Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
Be self-reliant and your success is assured.
Beauty seldom reccomends one woman to another.
Behind every argument is someone's ignorance.
By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.
By following the good, you learn to be good.
Creditors have much better memories than debtors.
Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face.
Do not clog intellect's sluices with knowledge of questionable uses.
Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it.
Enjoy your life; be pleasant and gay, like the birds in May.
Even a hawk is an eagle among crows.
Even the dullest candle burns brighter in the dark.
Every purchase has its price.
Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth.
Fortune truly helps those who are of good judgement.
From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance.
Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.
He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.
He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose.
He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.
He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.
He who laughs last probably doesn't understand the joke.
He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason.
How many "coming men" has one known! Where on earth do they all go to?
I despise the pleasure of pleasing people whom I despise.
Idleness is the holiday of fools.
If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.
If you suspect a man, don't employ him.
If you would keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend.
It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize.
It is a wise bird who builds his nest in a tree.
It is far better to be deceived than to be undeceived by those we love.
It is Fortune, not wisdom that rules man's life.
It takes both a weapon, and two people, to commit a murder.
It's a poor workman who blames his tools.
It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things.
It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten.
I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.
Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
Let's just be friends and make no special effort to ever see each other again.
Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
Love the sea? I dote upon it - from the beach.
Make new friends but keep the old; one is silver and the other's gold.
Man and wife make one fool.
Man's horizons are bounded by his vision.
Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. -- VOLTAIRE
Men seldom show dimples to girls who wear pimples.
Matrimony is the root of all evil.
Mister, do you vant to buy a duck.
Mistakes are the stepping stones to failure.
Money may buy friendship but money cannot buy love.
Money will say more in one moment than the most eloquent lover can in years.
Never drink from your finger bowl - it contains only water.
No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.
One family builds a wall, two families enjoy it.
One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true.
Only someone with nothing to be sorry for smiles at the rear of an elephant.
People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle.
People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
Preserve the old, but know the new.
Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword.
Put your trust in those who are worthy.
Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity.
Reputation: what others are not thinking about you.
Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone.
Satire is what closes in New Haven.
Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
Some men are discovered; others are found out.
Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall.
Someone is unenthusiastic about your work.
Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves.
That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all.
The best prophet of the future is the past.
The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.
The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.
The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.
The light of a hundred stars does not equal the light of the moon.
The luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others.
The plural of spouse is spice.
There are more ways of killing a cat than choking her with cream.
There is always someone worse off than yourself.
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear.
There's at least one fool in every married couple.
There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.
Think twice before speaking. But don't say "think think click click".
To do is to be - Nietzsche
To be is to do - Sartre
Do be do be do - Sinatra
To give happiness is to deserve happiness.
To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools.
To refuse praise is to seek praise twice.
To save a single life is better than to build a seven story pagoda.
We promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears.
What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel.
When the wind is great, bow before it; when the wind is heavy, yield to it.
When you go out to buy, don't show your silver.
Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.
Words are the voice of the heart.
Words must be weighed, not counted.

Yves' List, Found on an Old Unix System
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Expedience is the best teacher.
He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishaps.
He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.
How you look depends on where you go.
I will always love the false image I had of you.
It is bad luck to be superstitious.
It's bad enough that life's a ratrace, but why do the rats always win?
Laugh, and the world ignores you, Crying doesn't help either.
Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.
Life is just a bowl of cherries, but why do I always get the pits?
Man year: 730 people working feverishly until noon.
Many are called, but few are chosen. Fewer still get to do the choosing.
Never insult an alligator until you've crossed the river.
Nice computers don't crash.
No matter where I go, the place is always called "here".
RELIABLE SOURCE: The guy you just met.
Some people cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf.
There is very little future in being right when your boss is wrong.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.
We can defeat gravity, the problem is the paperwork involved.
When in trouble, when in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
You can't get there from here.


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