Category : A Collection of Games for DOS and Windows
Archive   : COOKIE12.ZIP
Filename : CRUDE.DAT

Murphy was an optimist.
Somewhere, Somehow, Someone's going to pay.
Part man,
@ Part machine,
@ All cop.
@ROBOCOP
@The future of law enforcement.
Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.
Feather!
Banana, banana!
Beware of bananafication
Take an Indian to lunch this week
2 4 6 8 time to transubstantiate
come up to the lab and see what's on the slab
The United States of America is a Stan Freburg Production
Only you can prevent forest fires
(It isn't an era). It's an attitude.
To live is to be
The weird understand that you can do whatever you want.
@No one else is truly free.
Nothing hinders you. Fly and be free.
There is no better time than the present.
@Or any other time, for that matter.
Break in the windows and smash down the doors
@There's Spring in the air and alligators at my fingertips
Live life on the grand scale!
May you always be courageous, grow up straight and be strong
@and may you stay forever young
You are being digested by an unknown monster
Lyndon Larouche is actually Hitler's cloned twin son
What does the Eye of Larn see in its guardian?
He's dead, Jim.
Would you like a jelly baby?
Hamsters are undiscerning, but mean well
Time to call a BBS near you!
Back to work, Bozo
Just what you want to be
@you will be in the end
¨Qu‚ es mas macho? ¨Pineapple o Knife?
No sex please. Pass the butter.
It's a poor memory that doesn't work both ways.
Remember the Alamo
Remember what the doorman said
Nixon's the one, Nixon's the one...
Monsters are undiscerning, but hungry
Simplex, complex, multiplex... which are you?
Love yourself. You're worth it.
The dinosaurs died of pervasive bureaucracy.
Save the whales. Shoot the seals.
UNERASE means never having to say you're sorry
There's a lady who's sure all that glitters is gold
@and she's buying the stairway to heaven
Feed the people who don't have enough to eat
@Shoe the people with no shoes on their feet
@Feed the people living in the street
@Oh, there's a solution
All that glitters is not Jello
You'll understand a lot better if you put this fish in your ear.
Speed increasing, all control is in the hands of those who know
@will they help us grow, to one day be Star Rider?
And if I claim to be a wise man, it surely means that I don't know
Have you ever been experienced? Not necessarily stoned, but beautiful...
How can we be in, if there is no outside? You're not one of us...
In the words of the Prophet, `Contort yourself'
It looks just like a Telefunken U-47
Why don't you hate who I hate
@Kill who I kill to be free
The mirror in the hall casts an image dark and small
@But I'm not sure at all it's my reflection
TELL ME MORE ABOUT SUCH DREAMS.
DO COMPUTERS BOTHER YOU?
When in doubt, bark
A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it?
A horse may be forced to drink but a pencil must be lead...
A man who turns green has eschewed protein.
A man without a woman is like a fish run over by a bicycle.
A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.
Always yield to temptation, for it may not pass your way again.
Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
Are you a wizard?
Beware the Quantum Ducks!
Beware of low-flying butterflies.
Chance of fog and occasional falling hamsters until noon.
CPU time flies when you're having fun.
Dawn: The time when men of reason go to bed.
Don't feed the bats tonight.
Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
Even wizards have to wait longer than that!
For crying out loud, the poor thing is already dead!
If it screams, it's not food.
If it's more than you need, it's greed.
If you continually give you will continually have.
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
If you don't like yourself, you can't like other people.
Innuendo can be fun.
It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark
It is now pitch dark. if you proceed you will likely fall into a pit.
It's clever, but is it art?
It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things.
Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.
Life is...life is...life is...a kumquat.......What? You mean it isn't?
Long live The Great Electronic Underground!
Misster, do you vant to buy a duck?
Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.
Never drink from your finger bowl - it contains only water.
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
The White Zone is for loading and unloading only.
It looks just like a Telefunken U-47. You'll love it.
@With leather?
Oh dear, you really *are* a wizard! sorry to have bothered you . . .
Only wizards are permitted within the cave right now.
Reality is achieved by the indefinite enumeration of objects.
Remember, even if you win the rat race--you're still a rat.
Share and Enjoy.
Small change can often be found under seat cushions.
Something you're carrying won't fit through the tunnel with you.
Stay away from flying saucers today.
Stop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you.
Swap read error. You lose your mind.
The heart is wiser than the intellect.
The stranger, the better...
The time is right to make new friends.
There are rare spices here!
There are some keys on the ground here.
There will be big changes for you but you will be happy.
There's always one more bug.
Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
Vote anarchist
You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
I can feel it. My mind. It's going, Dave. I can feel it.
"Oh, you can't help that," said the cat. "We're all mad here."
"What hallucinations?"
"...and I came to regard men as a strange sort of delicacy."
Oh no! Quack! I'm shrinking!!!
A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds
Valerie and her Fermesian toobs
After severe mind expansion, I lost a few things...
...the only way to live with this is to put acid in your Kool-Aide.
Illegal use or possession of drugs is a violation of state and federal laws.
A little bit of drugs some good for is
Whoa!
No suicides permitted here, and no smoking in the parlor.
Real Programmers never work 9 to 5.
@If they are there at 9am, it's because they were up all night.
Strong typing is for people with weak memories.
Real Programmers' programs never work right the first time.
@But if you throw them on the machine they can be patched
@into working in `only a few' 30-hour debugging sessions.
Real Programmers don't write in COBOL.
COBOL is for wimpy application programmers.
Real Programmers don't eat quiche. They eat twinkies and Szechuan food.
LOST! I lost my mind when my subscription to Creative Computing expired!
@I simply can't function without it!
Where can I get a Shuffly?
Sir Bertram followed the man into the kitchen, where the two of them
@put away enough bayberry wine to turn most people into Xmas candles.
If nothing else, the brain is an educational toy.
Rays aren't boomerangs, of course, but still...
Installing hamster in drive B:
If I was as smart as Albert Einstein...
@I'd bark like a dog for sheer pain of intellect.
Love is as strong as death
Wombats
@next 12km
If you have enjoyed using this program, please contribute $25
@to yourself and take the night off. What the heck.
?SN ERROR
#GOSUBS NESTED 20 DEEP
Eating a killer bee is like eating a scorpion
The Surgeon General has concluded that dandelion snorting
@causes cancer, heart disease, lung disease, leprosy, divorce,
@sterility and spontaneous decapition.
Toaster ovens! Did you hear me? Programmable toaster ovens!
Off in the distance, you hear a scream.
You are lost in a maze of twisty little passages, all alike.
Why is it Obi-Wan is never around when you need him...
Support your local video arcade!
Today you will meet someone who will claim
@that he was you in a previous incarnation.
@Do not buy insurance from this man.
God loves you.
There are two kinds of people at a family reunion--those who talk about all
@their ailments and those who help wash the dishes.
@-Lorraine Lopow
The great tragedies of history occur not when right confronts wrong but
@when two tragedies confront each other.
@-Henry Kissinger
August is the month where the collapsible pool you bought in June finally
@does.
@-Kiplinger Magazine
It's all right to hold a conversation, but you should let go of it now and
@then.
@-Richard Armour
The purest affection the heart can hold is the honest love of a nine-year-old
@-Holman F. Day
Miracles are instantaneous. They cannot be summoned, but come of themselves,
@usually at unlikely moments and to those who least expect them.
@-Katherine Anne Porter
They way I see it, if you want the Rainbow,
@ you gotta put up with the rain.
@-Dolly Parton
Fair play is primarily not blaming others for anything that is wrong with us.
@-Eric Hoffer
It is possible that blondes also prefer gentlemen.
@-Mamie Van Doren
Friends are those rare people who ask how we are and then wait to hear the
@answer.
@-Ed Cunningham
Happiness is nearly always a rebound from hard work.
@-David Grayson
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back
@you have something.
@-Gene Brown
The difference with playing the stock market and the horses is that one
@of the horses must win.
@-Joey Adams
Wit sets a snare, whereas humor goes off wistling without a victim in its
@mind.
@-Charles S. Brooks
When you speak to others for their own good, it's advice. When they speak
@to you for your own good, it's interference.
@-Bits and Pieces
Beauty seen is never lost.
@-John Greenleaf Whittier.
Why is it that the later you are, the longer the length of the red light?
@-Paul Dickson
Snack-bar special announced in the Dickinson College Newsletter:
@"Wednesday: Breakfast -- fresh fruit sections, two eggs, two slices toad..."
Directions to a model home: "Follow 129 until you see Live Oak Church or God
@on the right."
In the Boise Idaho Statesnam: "The 75-year old hotel closed for the last time
@in 1969 after housing a number of businesses and ten ants."
The secret of a clean desk is a mammoth wastebasket.
@-Newspaper Enterprise Association.
If you asked the average person to stand in a very confined space with a
@small spherical missle flying around at 100mph, most would reply "Are you
@crazy? But if you call it raquetball, they'll say "Fine, let's play."
@-Charles Koltz
Some days the only good things on TV are the vase and the clock.
@PETER'S ALMANAC
The way you overcome shyness is to become so wrapped up in something that
@you forget to be afraid.
@LADY BIRD JOHNSON
The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings
@wisdom.
@H.L. MENCKEN
The world is full of people looking for spectacular happiness while they
@snub contentment.
@DOUG LARSON
A grandmother is a mother who has a second chance.
@R. AND H. EXLEY
The ultimate test of man's conscience may be his willingness to sacrifice
@something for future generations whose words of thanks will not be heard.
@GAYLORD NELSON
Life is like a ten speed bike. Most of us have gears we never use.
@CHARLES M. SCHULTZ
Worry amplifies a whisper into a shout.
@WILLIAM ARTHUR WARD
A good marraige is like an incredible retirement fund. You put everything
@you have into it during your productive life, and over the years it turns
@from silver to gold to platinum.
@WILLARD SCOTT
What we have embarked on here is a revolution without fronts.
@DANIEL ORTEGA
We will bury you!
@NIKITA KRUSCHEV
May is one month that really deserves all its 31 days.
@BERYL PFIZER
Be glad of life because it gives you a chance to love and to work and to play
@and to look up at the stars.
@HENRY VAN DYKE
America is not like a blanket--one piece of unbroken cloth. America is more
@like a quilt--many patches, many pieces, many colors, many sizes, all woven
@together by a common thread.
@JESSE JACKSON
On Mother's Day, Mum's the word.
@WALTER E. JOHNSON
There are three kinds of memory--good, bad, and convenient.
@BOB HERGUTH
Some folks are wise and some folks are otherwise.
@AMERICAN PROVERB
You can make ends meet, but you can't make them like each other.
@JIM FIEBIG
It doesn't make sense. If you put two dollars on a horse and twelve thousand
@on a car, it's the former they call gambling.
@ROBERT ORBEN
Your in-laws on your wife's side usually are.
@FRANKLIN P. JONES
Disarmament is like a party; no one wants to arrive until everyone else is
@there.
Life would be more serene and sweet, no aching or abrasion, if shoes were
@bought to fit the feet instead of the occasion.
@J. LUMB
Marriage is the only union that can't be organized. Both sides think they're
@management.
If people looked like their passport photos, very few nations would let them
@in.
@DOUG LARSON
Living in the lap of luxury isn't bad, except that you never know when luxury
@is going to stand up.
@ORSON WELLES
Mark Twain on an experimental painting: "It looks like a tortoise-shell
@cat having a fit in a platter of tomatoes."
Why is television called a "medium"?
@Because "nothing done on it is rare or well done."
@FRED ALLEN
The toughest thing about raising kids is convincing them you have seniority.
@GENE BROWN
From the Pasadena, CA STAR-NEWS: "Cloudy with a chance of this morning."
Spring is that busy period when highway crews rush out to get the main
@routes torn up in time for summer traffic.
@DOUG LARSON
I think people should go into public office for a term or two, and then
@get back into their businesses and live under the laws that they passed.
@MIKE CURB
RUMBA is a dance where the front of you goes along nice and smooth like a
@Cadillac and the back of you makes like a Jeep.
@BOB HOPE
When something defies description--let it.
@ARNOLD H. GLASOW
A suggestion for unsuccessful dieters: don't think of it as fat; think of
@it as insulation.
@JAMES HOLT MCGAVRAN
ANTIDISESTABLISHMENTARIANISM: opposition to the withdrawl of federal
@ funds used to support an organized church, i.e. the Catholic Church in
@ England.
@WEBSTER'S DICTIONARY
There are only 3 reasons, people do not get things done:
@1) They can't (provide the tools needed)
@2) They don't know how (provide training)
@3) They won't (get a new employee)
@ -Harvard MBA course
Two martians landed on a corner right in front of a traffic light. "I saw
@her first," one said. "So what?" replied the other, "I'm the one she
@winked at."
@SANDY HARTMAN
Praise does wonders for the sense of hearing.
@BITS AND PIECES
Genius is born, not paid.
@OSCAR WILDE
Sticks Float. They wood!
What kind of baker kneads puns?
@SHIRLEY WHITTINGTON
The trouble with good ideas is that they quickly degenerate into hard work.
@PETER DRUCKER
The trouble with bucket seats is that everyone doesn't have the same size
@bucket.
@OPAL SMITH
THE excuse: I would if I could but I can't so I won't.
@UNKNOWN
Soon all the world's greatest wisdom will be expressed in cliches.
@DAVID GERROLD
I'll play with it first and tell you what it is later.
@MILES DAVIS
They are the Eggmen
@I am the Walrus, Goo Goo, Ga Joob
@ - Unknown Beatle
Nothing is true. Everything is permitted.
@HASSAN I SABBAH
Dont let your mouth write no check that your tail cant cash.
@BO DIDDLEY
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the
@opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
@NIELS BOHR
Just because everything is different doesnt mean anything has changed.
@SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA ORACLE
The most merciful thing in the world ... is the inability of the human
@mind to correlate all its contents.
@H P LOVECRAFT
Take what you can use and let the rest go by.
@KEN KESEY
Its not the size of the ship, its the size of the waves.
@LITTLE RICHARD
I never loved another person the way I loved myself.
@MAE WEST
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
@SIGMUND FREUD
When choosing between two evils I always like to take the one
@Ive never tried before.
@MAE WEST
Her life was saved by rock and roll.
@LOU REED
I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of
@oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate
@commerce.
@J EDGAR HOOVER
Honest Officer, had I known my health stood in jeprody I would never
@had lit one.
@MAXIM OF THE HELLS ANGELS
It is a rather pleasent experience to be alone in a bank at night.
@WILLIE SUTTON
Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs painting.
@BILLY ROSE
The rich will do anything for the poor but get off their backs.
@KARL MARX
@If Karl, instead of writing a lot about capital, had made a lot of
@it ... it would have been much better.
@KARL MARX'S MOTHER
If you think the United States has stood still, who built the
@largest shopping center in the world?
@RICHARD M NIXON
When I sell liquor, its called bootlegging; when my patrons serve
@it on Lake Shore Drive, its called hospitality.
@AL CAPONE
Anything anybody can say about America is true.
@EMMETT GROGAN
Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land
@in Los Angeles.
@FRANK LLOYD WRIGHT
If you've seen one city slum, you've seen them all.
@SPIRO AGNEW
If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all.
@RONALD REAGAN
Use it up ... Wear it out.

@Make it do ... Or do without.
@US WORLD WAR II MESSAGE
You cant underestimate the power of fear.
@TRICIA NIXON
The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this
@incredible jailbreak.
@WAVY GRAVY
The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.
@BUCKMINSTER FULLER
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
@DWIGHT D EISENHOWER
You smash it - and I'll build around it.
@JOHN LENNON
College isn't the place to go for ideas.
@HELLEN KELLER
Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns
@and detective stories.
@ARTHUR C CLARKE
America, how can a write a holy litany in your silly mood?
@ALLEN GINSBERG
It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore,
@I have to beat somebody.
@RICHARD M NIXON
Any smoothly functioning technology will have the appearence of magic.
@ARTHUR C CLARKE
Justice is incedental to law and order.
@J EDGAR HOOVER
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
@GROUCHO MARX
The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
@ABBIE HOFFMAN
Stay out of the road, if you want to grow old.
@PINK FLOYD
Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still dont know what I want to be
@when I grow up.
@PETER DRUCKER
How can you be two places at once when youre not anywhere at all?
@FIRESIGN THEATER
I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability.
@OSCAR WILDE
We are what we pretend to be.
@KURT VONNEGUT, JR
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
@OSCAR WILDE
The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong -
@but thats the way to bet.
@DAMON RUNYON
I could prove God statistically.
@GEORGE GALLUP
My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior
@spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive
@with our frail and feeble mind.
@ALBERT EINSTEIN
Real wealth can only increase.
@R BUCKMINSTER FULLER
Anyone can hate. It costs to love.
@JOHN WILLIAMSON
In the province of the mind, what one believes to be true either is true
@or becomes true.
@JOHN LILLY
Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
@GRAFFITI
The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible.
@ALBERT EINSTEIN
Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.
@TALLULAH BANKHEAD
A physicist is an atoms way of knowing about atoms.
@GEORGE WALD
Dont lose
@Your head
@To gain a minute
@You need your head
@Your brains are in it.
@BURMA SHAVE
It was always thus; and even if 'twere not, 'twould inevitably have been
@always thus.
@DEAN LATTIMER
Burnt Sienna. Thats the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas.
@KEN WEAVER
We dont know who discovered water, but we are certain it wasnt a fish.
@JOHN CULKIN
Try to be the best of what you are, even if what you are is no good.
@ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT
I waited and waited, and when no message came, I knew it must have
@been from you.
@ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT
Please dont lie to me, unless youre absolutely sure Ill never find
@out the truth.
@ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT
Please dont ask me what the score is, Im not even sure what the game is.
@ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.
@ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT
If you cant learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
@ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT
I dont have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.
@ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT
Maybe Im lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the
@wrong direction.
@ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT
By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task
@completely overwhelm me.
@ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you
@hit the target.
@ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT
America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence
@without civilization in between.
@OSCAR WILDE
The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.
@ALAN COULT
If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would
@presumably flunk it.
@STANLEY GARN
The world looks as if it has been left in the custody of trolls.
@FATHER ROBERT F CAPON
Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest
@men in national government too.
@RICHARD M NIXON
We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it.
@DWIGHT D EISENHOWER
If we make peaceful revolution impossible, we make violent revolution
@inevitiable.
@JOHN F KENNEDY
"Contrariwise", continued Tweedledee, "If it was so, it might be; and if
@it were so, it would be; but as it isnt, it aint. Thats logic."
@LEWIS CARROLL
It takes a long time to understand nothing.
@EDWARD DAHLBERG
To know the world one must construct it.
@CESARE PAVESE
Eeny Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak.
@BULLWINKLE MOOSE
The mistake you make is in trying to figure it out.
@TENESSEE WILLIAMS
An object never serves the same function as its image- or its name.
@RENE MAGRITTE
All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard,
@ya dont go lookin' for rutabagas.
@KINGFISH
He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder.
@M C ESCHER
Law of Computability Applied to Social Sciences:
@ If at first you don't suceed, transform your data set.
When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.
@CALVIN COOLIDGE
The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
@PAUL ERLICH
If A equals success, then the formula is:
@ A= X + Y + Z
@X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.
@ALBERT EINSTEIN
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are
@you wont either.
@JOSEPH FISCHER
Fourth Law of Thermodymanics:
@ If the probability of success is not almost one, then it is
@damn near zero.
@DAVID ELLIS
Frouds Law:
@ A transistor protected by a fast acting fuse will protect the
@fuse by blowing first.
The meek shall inherit the earth, but not its mineral rights.
@J PAUL GETTY
Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he
@encounters needs pounding.
@ABRAHAM KAPLAN
The fault lies not with our technologies but with our systems.
@ROGER LEVIAN
Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there
@is some ordinance under which you can be booked.
@ROBERT D SPRECHT (RAND CORP)
Thoreau's Law:
@ If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent of
@doing you good, you should run for your life.
Vique's Law:
@ A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle.
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
@then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
@GERALD WEINBERG
Zimmerman's Law of Complaints:
@Nobody notices when things go right.
Real knowledge is to know the extent of ones ignorance.
@CONFUCIUS
Whoso diggeth a pit shall fall therein.
@BOOK OF PROVERBS
It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good
@impromptu speech.
@MARK TWAIN
The unnatural, that too is natural.
@GOETHE
I used to be indecisive; now Im not sure.
@GRAFFITI
I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didnt like it.
@SAMUEL GOLDWYN
He hasn't one redeeming vice.
@OSCAR WILDE
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
@GRAFFITI
(To Walter Cronkite):
@"Well Walter, I believe that the Good Lord gave us a finite number
@of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running
@up and down a street"
@- Neil Armstrong -
" 'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability"
@- George Bernard Shaw -
"Science has proof without any certainty. Creationists have certainty
@without any proof"
@Ashley Montague -
"Birth, Copulation, and Death. That's all the facts when you
@come to brass tacks"
@T. S. Elliot -
"Make no little plans. They have no Magic to stir Men's blood."
@D. B. Hudson -
"Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more '
@user-friendly'.... Their best approach, so far, has been to take
@all the old brochures, and stamp the words, 'user-friendly' on the cover."
@Bill Gates,Pres.,Microsoft,Inc. -
Eight Things your computer won't do:
@ 1) It won't save you money
@ 2) It won't make your organization run right
@ 3) It won't solve every problem
@ 4) It won't run itself
@ 5) It won't always be right
@ 6) It won't meet all its own needs
@ 7) It won't protect itself
@ 8) It won't become obsolete
@J. Makower -
Bradley's Bromide:
@If computers get too powerful,we can organize them into a committee...
@ that will do them in.
Civilization Law #1:
@Civilization advances by extending the number of important operations
@one can do without thinking about them.
Ketterling's Law:
@Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.
"Whenever 'A' attempts by law to impose his moral standards
@upon 'B', 'A' is most likely a scoundrel"
@H. L. Mencken -
"The government of the United States is not in any sense founded
@on the Christian Religion"
@George Washington -
"In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty."
@ - Thomas Jefferson -
"During almost fifteen centuries the legal establishment of Christianity
@has ben upon trial. What has been its fruits? More or less, in all
@places, pride and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in the
@laity; in both, superstition, bigotry.
@ - James Madison -
"Money, not morality, is the principle commerce of civilized nations"
@ - Thomas Jefferson -
"We must all hang together, or we will surely all hang separately"
@ - Benjamin Franklin -
"Where a new invention promises to be useful, it ought to be tried"
@ - Thomas Jefferson -
"Assuming that either the left wing or the right wing gained
@control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles"
@ - Pat Paulsen -
"An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself"
@ - Camus -
"I don't drink water. Fish f*** in it"
@ - W. C. Fields -
"Six years for possession of a cigarette?...I got six months
@for possession of a deadly weapon!"
@ - cartoon by S. Harris -
The Swartzberg Test:
@ The validity of a science is its ability to predict.
"What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick!"
@ - Bill Kirchenbaum, comedian -
"To err is human, to compute divine. Trust your computer but
@not its programmer"
@ - Morris Kingston -
"I've seen many politicians paralyzed in the legs as myself, but
@I've seen more of them who were paralyzed in the head"
@ - George Wallace -
"You don't have to explain something you never said"
@ - Calvin Coolidge -
"A little caution outflanks a large cavalry"
@ - Bismarck -
"A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money"
@ - Everett Dirksen -
"The personal computer market is about the same size as the
@total potato chip market. Next year it will be about half the
@size of the pet food market and is fast approaching the total
@worldwide sales of pantyhose"
@ - James Finke,Pres.,Commodore Int'l Ltd.(1982) -
"I like a man who grins when he fights."
@ - Winston Churchill -
I like a little rebellion now and then. It's like a storm in
@the atmosphere.
@ - Thomas Jefferson -
"There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true."
@ - Winston Churchill -
"Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most times he
@will pick himself up and carry on..."
@ - Winston Churchill -
"God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday,
@and Friday, and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday,
@Thursday, and Saturday."
@ - William Bragg -
"Pioneering basically amounts to finding new and more horrible ways to die"
@ - John W. Campbell -
"That man is richest whose pleasures are cheapest"
@ - Thoreau -
Life is not one thing after another.... it's the same
@damn thing over and over!
The meek will inherit the Earth..... The rest of us will go to the stars.
After all is said and done, a lot more has been said than done.
Beauty is only skin deep, but Ugly goes straight to the bone.
There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
Any given program, when running correctly,
@ is obsolete.
Tell a man that there are 300 billion stars in the universe,
@and he'll believe you.... Tell him that a bench has wet paint
@upon it and he'll have to touch it to be sure.
Sex is like snow... You never know how many inches you're going
@to get or how long it will last.
What matters is not the length of the wand,
@ but the magic in the stick.
Small change can often be found under seat cushions
Love is a matter of chemistry,
@ but Sex is a matter of physics.
"Discovery consists in seeing what everyone else has seen and
@thinking what no one else has thought."
@ - Albert Szent-Gyorgi -
"Revolution is the opiate of the intellectuals"
@ - "Oh, Lucky Man" -
I really hate this damn machine,
@I wish that they would sell it.
@It never does just what I want,
@But only what I tell it.
"Fantasy, abandoned by reason, produces impossible monsters;
@united with it, she is the mother of the arts and the origin of marvels"
@ - Goya -
"Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon
@the wall instead of using it"
@ - Gordon R. Dickson -
"Civilization is a movement, not a condition; it is a voyage, not a harbor."
@ - Toynbee -
"We have met the enemy and he is us"
@ - Walt Kelly (in POGO) -
"You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed
@adultery, are now extinct."
@ - M. Somerset Maugham -
"If it ain't broke, don't fix it."
@ - Bert Lantz -
"The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a neccessity."
@ - Oscar Wilde -
"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh."
@ - Voltaire -
When baiting a mouse trap with chesse,
@be sure to leave room for the mouse.
@ -SAKI
Ode to Turbulent Flow:
@ Big whirls have little whirls
@ Which feed on their velocity,
@ And little whirls have lesser whirls
@ And so on, to viscosity.
"There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them"
@ - Heisenberg -
"It takes all sorts of in & out-door schooling
@ to get adapted to my kind of fooling"
@ - R. Frost -
The best food in the world?
@ Cherry Pez, no doubt about it!
@ -Fat kid in "Stand By Me"
"Confound these ancestors.... They've stolen our best ideas!"
@ - Ben Jonson -
Repo Man's always intense.
First thing we do, we kill all the lawyers.
@ Henry VIII (Act II)
Did you ever feel as if your mind were starting to erode?
@Ever been to Utah?
@ (from Repo Man)
Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
@ - Dave Barry
In the beginning, there were hot lumps.
@Cold and lonely, they whirled noiselessly through the
@black holes of space.
@ - Firesign theater
Speak glowingly of persons greater than yourself
@Heed well their advice,
@ even though they be Turkeys.
When a girl admits she's had a checkered career, it's your move...
How happy is the moron,
@ He doesn't give a damn.
@ I wish I were a moron,
@ My God, perhaps I am!
Life is complex. It consists of real and imaginary parts.
And isn't that the greatest fear of all...
@To be ready with the answers
@...To questions that no one asks any more... ?
@ - Merrit Malloy
The quality of life didn't matter much...
@There was so much of it.
@ - Merrit Malloy
The world is hollow and I have touched the sky.
@ - Star Trek episode
Compromise is simply when we change the answer to fit the question
@ - Merrit Malloy
I don't know what it's like
@To be old...
@But I think...
@It's living long enough
@To make a joke of the things
@That were once
@Breaking your heart...
@ - Merrit Malloy
Love is proud of itself...
@It leaks out of us
@Even with the tightest security
@ - Merrit Malloy
Why is it that we always remember that people forget;
@But we always forget that they remember?
@ - Merrit Malloy
Somehow when you eat alone, food is more expensive
@ - Merrit Malloy
National Velvet was only a movie
@And life ... well
@Life used to be a magazine
@ - Merrit Malloy
You thought it would be easy, so the truth eluded you
@ - Julie Snow
I live in dreams, and when I can
@I go to sleep, and there I am
@And there you are.
@ - Janis Ian
Although the moon is smaller than the earth, it is much farther away
As far as we know, our computer has had no undetected errors
Behind every argument is someone's ignorance
Conversation enriches the understanding,
@ but solitude is the school of genius
Everything bows to success, even grammar
Good friends and fish stink after 3 days
@ - Ben Franklin
Help fight continental drift
If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average
In jealousy there is self-love, not love
It is impossible to thoroughly enjoy idleness unless one has plenty
@of work to do
Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly - Voltaire
Someone you reject today will reject you tomorrow
To iterate is human, to recurse is divine
When you become used to never being alone, you may
@consider yourself Americanized
If there were no such thing as gravity, the earth would fly off into space
The only way out is through
@ - Julie Snow
If I were a poet
@I would write a sonnet
@It would say "I love you",
@Your name would be on it
@ - Kermit the Frog
Let the soul be assured that somewhere in the universe
@it shall rejoin its friend.
@ - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Be alert - This country needs more lerts
Insanity is hereditary,
@You get it from your children.
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
@ - Joe Walsh
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A rolling stone gathers momentum.
Gravity doesn't exist: the earth sucks.
Ancient Chinese Curse:
@May you live in interesting times.
Ancient Chinese Curse:
@May all your wishes be granted.
Ahhhhhhhh,
@I forget what I was going to say.
Organization is the enemy of improvisation.
Familiarity breeds.
"Book 'em Danno!"
@ - MacGarret in every episode of Hawaii 5-0
!lanimret siht edisni deppart ma I !pleH
And so we plow along, as the fly said to the ox.
Weiler's Law:
@Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't
@have to do it himself.
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
Zymurgy's First Law of Evolving System Dynamics:
@Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan
@them is to use a larger can.
Any given program, once running, is obsolete.
A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
Bye's First Law of Model Railroading:
@Anytime you wish to demonstrate something, the number of
@faults encountered is proportional to the number of viewers.
Wolfgang's Third Law: It can't work.
If you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear
@the sounds of a restaurant. -- Snoopy
There is nothing worse than being peerless in a peer-review system.
Alia jacta est. (The die is cast.)
@--Julius Caesar after crossing the Rubicon
Ubi est ignus?
@ -- Latin I (Where is the fire?)
If little else, the brain is an educational toy.
@-- Tom Robbins
When in darkness or in doubt,
@Run in circles, scream and shout.
Glumpka pedoi demoi
@--Russian Proverb (It is a long walk home)
The Fourth Law of Computing: On a slow day, you can wait forever.
Sweer's Impossibility Theorem:
@Nothing can be both completely general
@and internally consistent at the same time.
Law of Communications:
@The result of improved and enlarged communications
@is a vastly increased area of misunderstanding.
Jenkinson's Law:
@It won't work.
Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of
@the programmer who must maintain it.
It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains
@because the average man can see better than he can think.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
And now, a word from our sponsor:
@
@Hi there. This is Howard Kapustein, the author of this little toy
@you're amusing yourself and your friends with. Ever think maybe,
@just maybe, you'd like to repay me for all those laughs you've had
@with this program? Well, this is your lucky day! I know what you're
@thinking: "How much is this going to cost me?" I'm glad you asked.
@This program is SHAREWARE. That means that you can play with it,
@but if you like it you really should send me a picture postcard
@or a few dollars ($5 recommended, but any amount will be accepted.)
@It will make me feel better knowing that the stupid docs were worth
@typing up to at least 1 person, and you'll have a greatly relieved
@conscious. I'm a poor, hungry college student who spent many hours
@working on this instead of studying for exams. Now doesn't that
@make you feel guilty? You can find my address by typing COOKIE -?
@at the command line. I'll wait while you get an envelope or postcard.
@No, really, it's no imposition at all. Thank you for your time.
@
@...and now back to our regularly scheduled programming...
Never try to outstubborn a cat.
Boren's Law:
@When in doubt, mumble.
Conversation enriches the understanding,
@but solitude is the soul of genius.
You can't plant me in your penthouse,
@I'm going back to my plow.
A guy has to get fresh once in a while so the girl
@doesn't lose her confidence.
A king's castle is his home.
There is nothing that cannot be fixed.
@ -- Old CIA Saying
A lie in time saves nine.
Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes.
@ - Thoreau
Beware of friends who are false and deceitful.
Do not clog intellect's sluices with knowledge of questionable uses.
Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth.
From listening comes wisdom
@ ... from speaking repentance.
God gives us relatives;
@ thank God we can chose our friends.
Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason.
I don't remember ever having had the itch, and yet scratching
@is one of nature's sweet pleasures, and so handy.
It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of
@work to do.
Those of you who think you know everything are annoying
@those of us who do.
To criticize the incompetent is easy; it is more difficult
@to criticize the competent.
We prefer to speak evil of ourselves than not speak of
@ourselves at all.
What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us is that
@they think themselves cleverer than we are.
What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing more
@than man's transparency.
I'm not a potted plant, I'm his lawyer!
@ -Bendan V Sullivan
Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement
@unless it was to avoid responsibility?
Good decisions come from experience
@Experience comes from making bad ones
Perfect practice makes perfect
@ - Vince Lomardi
It is rude to moon a shut-in
Electricity: the high priest of false security
It is not up to you to check the cleaning lady for lumps
Profanity is the language all programmers know best
Epitaph:
@Here lies the body of Mary Ann Lowder
@She burst while drinking a Seidlitz powder
@Called from this world to her heavenly rest
@She drank it and she effervesced
Epitaph:
@To the memory of Abraham Beauleiu
@Accidentally shot April 1844:
@As a mark of affection from his brother
Epitaph:
@Underneath this stone
@ lies poor John Round.
@Lost at see
@ and never found.
Epitaph:
@Here lies an honest lawyer.
@That is strange.
Epitaph:
@Here lies Pat MacHree
@That's very true
@Who was he? What was he?
@What's that to you ?
Epitaph:
@Blown upward
@ out of sight
@He sought the leak
@ by candlelight
Epitaph:
@The wedding day appointed was
@ and wedding clothes provided
@But ere the day did come, alas
@ he sickened and he die did
Epitaph:
@Here lies my wife in earthy mould
@ who when she lived did naught but scold
@Good friends go softly in your walking
@ lest she should wake and rise up talking
Epitaph:
@Seven wives I've buried
@ with as many a fervent prayer
@If we all should meet in heaven
@ won't there be trouble there ?
Epitaph (on an infant):
@Since I have been so
@ quickly done for
@I wonder what I
@ was begun for
Epitaph:
@To all my friends I bid adieu
@A more sudden death you never knew
@As I was leading the mare to drink
@She kicked and killed me quicker'n a wink
Epitaph:
@Death's advantage over life I spy
@Here one husband with two wives may lie.
Epitaph:
@Here lies John Racket
@ in his wooden jacket
@Kept neither horses nor mules
@ Lived a hog; died a dog
@Left all his money to fools
Epitaph:
@Ebenezer Prichard here lies low
@Having forsook life.
@Poisoned by his wife
@and Dr. Eli Hornblow
Epitaph:
@She was not smart; she was not fair.
@But hearts with grief for here are swellin'
@All empty stands here little chair
@She died of eatin' watermelon
Epitaph:
@He called
@Bill Smith
@ A liar
Epitaph:
@Here lies Hermina Kuntz
@To virtue quite unknown
@Jesus, rejoice!
@At last she sleeps alone
Epitaph:
@Here lies the body of our dear Anna
@Done to death by a banana
@It wasn't the fruit that dealt the blow
@But the skin of the thing that laid her low
Epitaph:
@Beneath this stone our baby lies
@He neither cries nor hollers
@He lived on earth just twenty days
@And cost us forty dollars
Epitaph:
@At threescore winter's end I died
@A cheerless being sole and sad.
@The nuptial knot I never tied
@And wish my father never had.
Epitaph:
@My wife is dead and here she lies
@Nobody laughs and nobody cries
@Where she is gone to and how she fares
@Nobody knows and nobody cares
Epitaph:
@Tears cannot restore her
@Therefore I weep
Epitaph:
@Here lies the body of Arnaksaw Jim
@We made the mistake
@ but the joke's on him
Epitaph:
@This empty urn is sacred to the memory of John Revere
@ who died abroad in Finistere
@If he had lived he would have been buried here
Ben Franklin's Epitaph:
@The body of Benjamin Franklin printer,
@Like the covering of an old book
@Its contents torn out
@And stript of its lettering and gilding
@Lies here, food for worms.
@But the work shall not be lost,
@It will (as he believed) appear once more
@In a new and more beautiful edition
@Corrected and amended by the author
Epitaph for Alexander the Great:
@This mound now is large enough for him
@ for whom all the world was not
Epitaph for a hypocondriac: I told you I was sick
Everybody gets wise, don't you think? A fool stays the same.
@ - Richard Pryor
A mid-air collision can seriously erode climb performance
@ - Barry Schiff
Roses are red
@Violets are blue
@Sugar is sweet
@Peanut butter is salty
Happiness descended upon him. He didn't even have time to step aside.
Je m'en vay chercher un grand Peut-etre
@ - Rabelais on his deathbead
Sometimes being able to read makes more questions than if you were stupid
@ - Harlan Ellison
I heed not that my earthly lot
@ Hath little of earth in it,
@That years of love have been forgot
@ In the hatred of a minute:
@I mourn not that the desolate
@ Are happier, sweet, than I,
@But that you sorrow for my fate
@ Who am a passer-by
@ To --, by Edgar Allan Poe
To refuse to decide is a decision
@ - Peter Brent
To be positive is to be wrong at the top of one's voice
@ - Ambrose Bierce
When the tide of life is against you
@ When the current upsets your boat
@ Don't cry about what might have been...
@ Just lie on your back and float
@ - Ed Norton (approximate)
What the hell's an HS-90 ?
@ - Don Kramer
Pink slips are an extremely effective means of communication.
@ - Don Smith
It is the instinct of understanding to contradict reason.
@ - Jacobi
What happens when an irresistible force meets an immovable object?
@ An inconceivable disturbance.
@ - Anon
Your imagination, my dear fellow, is worth more that you imagine.
@ - Louis Aragon
LOVE ain't nothing but SEX misspelled.
@ -Harlan Ellison
What is the sound of one hand clapping?
@ - Zen Buddhism
All modern thought is permeated by the idea of thinking the unthinkable.
@ - Michel Foucault
Eating is touching carried to the bitter end.
@ - Samuel Butler
A man who fears suffering is already suffering from what he fears.
@ - Montaigne
Cowards die many times before their deaths.
@ - Shakespeare
He who cannot remember the past is doomed to repeat it.
@ -Santayana
Many would be cowards if they had courage enough.
@ - Thomas Fuller
The chicken was the egg's idea for getting more eggs.
@ - Samuel Butler
A sadist is a person who is kind to a masochist.
@ - Anon
Living means dying.
@ - Engles
What happens to your fist when you open your hand?
@ - Zen Buddhism
Expert advice is a great comfort...even when it's wrong.
The more you know, the less you think you know.
@ - Anon
If I don't know I don't know, I think I know. If I don't know I know
@I know, I think I don't know.
@ - R.D. Laing
If the rich could hire other people to die for them, the poor could make
@a wonderful living.
@ - Yiddish proverb
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
@ - Wilde
I'm still an atheist, thank God.
@ - Luis Bunuel
If I am because you are you, and if you are you because I am I, then
@I am not I, and you are not you.
@ - Hasidic rabbi
The trick is to die young as old as possible.
People can be divided into two categories: Those who divide
@people into two categories; and those who don't.
@ - R. Benchley
There are things which we cannot know, but it is
@impossible to know these things.
Padlipsky's corollary to Murphy's law:
@ Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.
@ - Dorothy Parker
On a clear disk you can seek forever.
@ - Ed McClusky
The decision doesn't have to be logical, it was unanimous.
@ - Jerry Burchfiel
Life is a terminal illness.
@ - Don Wallace
It's hard to observe you own death objectively and
@be happy about it.
@ - Woody Allen
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve
@immortality through not dying.
@ - Woody Allen -
A technique is a trick that works.
@ - Gian-Carlo Rota, ex-MIT professor
1) Hide and watch
@2) Kick ass and take names.
@ - Problem solving steps from Harvard MBA
Writing a program is nothing but debugging a blank page.
@ - Anonymous but frustrated Stanford programmer
Technology has brought meaning to the lives
@of many technicians.
@ - Ed Bluestone
Superstition sees the Finger of God even in trivialities.
Electricity seems destined to play a most important part
@in the arts and industries. The question of it's economical
@application to some purposes is still unsettled, but experiment
@has already proved that it will propel a street car better
@than a gas jet and give more light than a horse.
@ - Ambrose Bierce
Prophets have a way of dying by violence.
@ - Bene Gesserit saying
The concept of progress acts as a protective mechanism
@to shield us from the terrors of the future.
@ - from "Collected Sayings of Maud'Dib"
@ by the Princess Irulan
And now my comrades are all gone
@ Naught remains to toast.
@ They have left me here in my misery,
@ like some poor wandering ghost.
@ - Anon
Do not count a human dead until you've seen his body. And
@even then you can make a mistake.
@ - Bene Gesserit saying
Deep in the human unconscious is a pervasive need for a
@logical universe that makes sense. But the real universe
@is always one step beyond logic.
@ - from "The Sayings of Maud'Dib"
@ by the Princess Irulan
Mood? What has mood to do with it? You fight when the necessity
@arises - no matter the mood! Mood's a thing for cattle or making
@love or playing the baliset. It's not for fighting.
@ - Gurney Halleck in DUNE
A leader, you see, is one of the things that distinguishes a
@mob from a people. He maintains the level of individuals. Too
@few individuals, and a people revert to a mob.
@ - Stilgar in DUNE
Advice is a dangerous commodity.
I was going to quit having birthdays...
@ then I considered the alternatives.
@ - Gorden Stuckey
To know the future absolutely is to be trapped into
@that future absolutely.
@ - Frank Herbert, CHILDREN OF DUNE
Some actions have an end but no beginning; some begin
@but do not end. It all depends upon where the observer
@is standing.
@ - Frank Herbert, CHILDREN OF DUNE
To suspect your own mortality is to know the beginning
@of terror; to learn irrefutably that you are mortal is
@to know the end of terror.
@ - Bene Gesserit saying
Science is supposedly the method by which we stand on the shoulders
@of those who came before us. In computer science, we are all standing
@on each others' feet.
@ - Paraphrase from G. Popek
A logician trying to explain logic to a programmer is like
@a cat trying to explain to a fish what it's like to be wet.
@ - Anon
"
@ "
@ - Marcel Marceau
Consciousness is that which it is not, and is not that which it is.
@ - Sartre
There is only one thing certain, namely that we can have nothing certain;
@ and therefore it is not certain that we can have nothing certain.
@ - Samuel Butler
A banker will lend you money only if you can prove you don't need it.
@ - Anon
I mean what I say means I say what I mean.
@ - Lewis Carroll
The day is the same length as anything that is the same length as it.
@ - Lewis Carroll
If you turn on the light quickly enough you can see what the dark looks
@like.
@ - Anon
The time has come to wonder who could be the owner of
@that cold, clammy hand that's exploring the end of the bed.
@ - Curved Air
Possession of second sight has a tendency to make
@one a dangerous fatalist.
@ - Frank Herbert, DUNE MESSIAH
Some men are discovered; others are found out.
He who spends a storm beneath a tree,
@takes life with a grain of TNT.
Mind your business Spock, I'm sick of your
@halfbreed interference.
@ -Captain James T. Kirk
Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level.
You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of
@some sense to know how to lie well.
As of next Tuesday, LISP will be flushed in favor
@of COBOL. Please update your programs appropriately.
Only someone with nothing to be sorry for smiles
@back at the rear of an elephant.
Man invented Alcohol.
@ God invented Grass.
@ Who do you trust?
Thank you for on-lining with TENEX -
@Be sure to patronize us again for you next fix.
Laws are like cobwebs, which may catch small flies, but let
@wasps and hornets break through.
@ - Jonathan Swift
The Hebrew school teacher asked one of his students if he said
@prayers before meals. The proud little boy answered, "Oh, not me.
@I don't have to - my mom's a good cook."
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all
@possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
Seen under an ubiquitous "Kilroy was here":
@ "Heisenburg might have been here"!
@ (if he was, he didn't know it)
Superstition and accident manifest the will of God.
@ - C. G. Jung
If the world is a progressively realized community of
@interpretation, then either quadruplictity will drink
@procrastination or, provided that the nothing negates,
@boredom will ensue seldom more often than frequently.
@ - Woody Allen
In a steady state universe, rapid transit would not be
@feasible.
@ - Gwyneth Cravens
Should reality sound poetical?
@ - Richard Howard
Death is life's way of telling you
@you've been fired.
@ - R. Geis (SFR #16)
Felix ... opportunitate mortis.
@[Fortune favored him ... in the opportune moment of his death.]
@ - Tacitus
Promises and pie crusts are made to broken.
@ - Jonathan Swift
War is much too serious a thing to be left to military men.
@ - Charles-Maurice de Talleyrand
All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others.
@ - George Orwell
"Vae, puto deus fio"
@[Dear me, I think I am becoming a god.]
@ - Roman emporer on his death bed. He did.
Time: That which man is always trying to kill,
@ but which ends in killing him.
@ - Herbert Spencer
Entropy is nature's way of telling
@you to slow down.
@ - R. Geis (SFR #16)
Never laugh at a live dragon.
@ - B. Baggins
What would you do if you found a dwarf on your doormat?
@ - B. Baggins
"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so,
@it might be, and if it were so, it would be; but as it
@isn't, it ain't. That's logic!"
@ - Lewis Carroll, Through The Looking Glass
The army of weird and beautiful works could well do
@with recruits.
@ - C. S. Lewis
Each age is a dream that is dying,
@or one that is coming to birth.
@ - Arthur O'Shaughnessy, "Ode"
If I chased the straight line of my thoughts,
@what a maze I'd write!
@ - Brian W. Aldiss, Earthworks
Beauty is only skin deep, but
@ Ugliness goes all the way to the bone.
Only the fantastic has a chance of being real in the cosmos.
@ - Hawkwind
It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
@ - Hawkwind
We will be geared toward the average rather than the exceptional.
@ - Jethro Tull
God is an overwhelming responsibility.
@ - Jethro Tull
'God' said the sea goat, 'is always on both sides.'
@ - Pete Sinfield
Paranoia is having to keep your TV set on all the time because
@the people in the box will talk about you if you don't force them
@to stick to their scripts.
@ - Adapted by R. Geis from G. Farber
...the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the
@Devil out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth
@for bridge.
@ - Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19
Even if you're on the right track,
@you'll get run over if you just sit there.
@ - Will Rogers
I am a peer group of one.
@ - R. Geis
Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you
@to stop writing.
@ - R. Geis
You don't come back from Dead Man's Curve.
@ - Jan and Dean
Confusion will be my epitaph,
@ As I walk a cracked and broken path,
@ If we make it we can all sit back and laugh,
@ But I fear tomorrow I'll be crying.
@ King Crimson
When the music's over, turn out the lights.
@ - Jim Morrison
Don't eat the yellow snow.
@ - Frank Zappa
And oh, that magic feeling, nowhere to go.
@ - Lennon and McCartney
You don't leave your fly open in a pressure suit.
@ - Larry Niven
I wouldn't worry about them old dreams none,
@ they're only in your head.
@ - Bob Dylan
Trussreppers will be persecuted.
@ - Firesign Theater
Reality is a crutch.
@ - Dick Jensen's toilet wall
When a man is treated like a beast, he says: after all, I'm human.
@When he behaves like a beast, he says: after all I'm only human.
@ - Karl Kraus
Do not adjust your mind. The fault is in reality.
@ - Bill Wright
You are free to do whatever you like. You need only face the
@consequences.
All important decisions must be made on the basis of
@insufficient data.
Love is not enough, but is sure helps.
Money may not be EVERYTHING, but it sure beats what is in second place!
Live hard, die youg and leave them a beautiful corpse.
@ -Andy Warhol
Childhood is a nightmare.
The man who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything.
@ - Edward John Pheles
Nothing can come out of nothing, nothing can go back to nothing.
@ - Persius
The sublime and the ridiculous are often so nearly related, that it is
@difficult to class them separately. One step above the sublime, makes
@the ridiculous; and one step above the ridiculous, makes it sublime again.
@ - Thomas Paine
All solutions breed new problems.
Progress is an illusion. Nothing lasts.
There's no point in burying the hatchet if you're
@going to put a marker on the site.
@ - Anon.
If you don't want to grow old - die young.
@ - Anon.
To think is to make one's self very uncomfortable.
No poems can please long, nor live, which are written by water drinkers.
@ - Horace
Civilization is an exercise in masochism by most, in sadism by few.
@ - R. Geis
Necessity may be the mother of invention, but Greed is its father.
@(We're all ashamed of Greed, so he isn't mentioned much.)
@ - R. Geis
The lost secret of eternal life is in the
@ - R. Geis
The world gets better every day...
@Then worse again in the evening.
@ - EPIGRAM DISTILLERS
@ C. Runyon, Chief Potentate
I believe the moment is near when by a procedure of active
@paranoiac thought, it will be possible...to systematize confusion
@and contribute to the total discrediting of the world of reality.
@ - Salvidor Dali
Never try to make anyone like yourself - you know,
@God knows, that one of you is enough.
@ - Ralph Waldo Emerson
There's a plot to make it look like I'm a paranoid!!!
@ - Amos Salmonson
ME, paranoid? Why do you ask?!
@ - Victor Kostrikin
I don't believe in astrology. We Geminis are very skeptical.
@ - Tom Marcinko
Anarchists of the world, unite! You have nothing to
@lose but your...er...anarchism.
@ - R. Geis
The possibility does exist, of course, that I am paranoid...
@But that's what they want me to think, isn't it?
@ - Ed Pearson
A wise man knows everything
@A shrewd one, everybody.
@ - Chinese Fortune Cookie
Definition of a specialist - One who never makes small
@mistakes while moving towards the grand fallacy.
@ - Marshal McLuhan
I wouldn't mind the number of paranoids around today,
@if they weren't all out to get me.
@ - Malcolm Edwards
Another person's secret is like another person's money:
@You are not as careful with it as you are with your own.
@ - E. W. Howe
On the Train of Thought 99% of the tickets
@sold are half fare.
@ - Ed Cagle, KWALHIOQUA #8
To a misogynist, a Ms. is as good as a mile.
@ - R. Geis
If everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
@ - D. J. Hicks
I'm not paranoid, it's just that
@everyone else thinks I am.
@ - G Farber
A true cynic doubts everything -- including
@his own cynicism.
@ - R. Geis
If you can keep your head while all about you others
@are losing theirs...perhaps you're the executioner.
@ - R. Geis
History has the relation to truth that theology
@has to religion -- i.e. none to speak of.
@ - Lazarus Long
Maybe Jesus was right when he said that the meek shall
@inherit the earth -- but they inherit very small plots,
@about six feet by three.
@ - Lazarus Long
Men often believe -- or pretend -- that the "Law" is something
@sacred, or at least a science -- an unfounded assumption very
@convenient to governments.
@ - Lazarus Long
"Rights" is a fictional abstraction. No one has "Rights", neither
@machines nor flesh-and-blood. Persons...have opportunities, not
@rights, which they use or do not use.
@ - Lazarus Long
Certainly the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you;
@if you don't bet, you can't win.
@ - Lazarus Long
Always listen to experts. They'll tell you
@what can't be done, and why. Then do it.
@ - Lazarus Long
Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about
@her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad
@nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth.
@ - Lazarus Long
A poet who reads his verse in public
@may have other nasty habits.
@ - Lazarus Long
It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles
@being too tired.
@ - Lazarus Long
A motion to adjourn is always in order.
@ - Lazarus Long
It is better to copulate than never.
@ - Lazarus Long
Money is a powerful aphrodisiac. But flowers
@work almost as well.
@ - Lazarus Long
There is only one way to console a widow.
@But remember the risk.
@ - Lazarus Long
One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
@ - Lazarus Long
It took more than one man to change her name to Shanghai Lilly.
@ - Michael Moorcock
And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.
@ - Lennon and McCartney
You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometime,
@you just might find, you get what you need.
@ - Mick Jagger
You can be in my dreams, if I can be in yours.
@ - Bob Dylan
All wrong numbers are the same person.
@ - Larry Niven
Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.
@ - Carl Sagan -
The sooner you fall behind,
@the more time you have to catch up.
@ - Ogden's Law -
There is no problem a good miracle can't solve.
@ - Shick's Law -
Imagination is more important than knowledge.
@ - A. Einstein -
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
@ - Isaac Asimov -
What a strange game. The only winning move is not to play.
@ - WOPR (in the movie "War Games") -
Digital circuits are made from analog parts.
Pretend to spank me - I'm a pseudo-masochist!
Is a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less?
He who hesitates is last.
Nietzsche is pietzsche, Goethe is murder.
A man's house is his hassle.
Chaste makes waste.
An engineer is someone who does list processing in Fortran.
A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
Any IC protected by a fast acting fuse will protect the fuse by
@ blowing first.
Neutrinos have bad breadth.
Programmers get overlaid.
In case of injury notify your superior immediately
@ - He'll kiss it and make it better!
GIVE: Support the helpless victims of computer error.
Charlie was a chemist, but Charlie is no more.
@ What Charlie thought was H2O was H2SO4.
Reality is for people who can't face science fiction.
Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience.
Shift to the left, shift to the right, mask in, mask out,
@ BYTE, BYTE, BYTE !!!
People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
Friction is a drag.
Heisenburg may have slept here.
What fools these morals be!
Wernher von Braun settled for a V-2 when he coulda had a V-8.
Your program is sick! Shoot it and put it out of its memory.
Biology grows on you.
Blame Saint Andreas - its all his fault.
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
A man's best friend is his dogma.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
I disagree with what you say, but will defend to the death your right
@ to tell such LIES!
Every interesting program has at least one variable, one branch,
@ and one loop.......... And at least one bug!
No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
Battle Creek makes cereal terminals.
To err is human, to forgive is against company policy.
Jesus Saves
@ Vishnu invests.
If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.
Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Boycott meat - suck your thumb.
He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
Old musicians never die, they just decompose.
Invest in physics - own a piece of Dirac!
We have a equal opportunity Calculus class -- it's fully integrated.
Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn!
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Walt Disney is in suspended animation.
An elephant is a mouse built to Mil-spec.
Somebody's terminal is dropping bits.
@ I found a pile of them over in the corner.
Burroughs programmers have to pay a Poll tax.
If it works, Don't fix it.
Alex Haley was adopted!
He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut.
Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.
Gravity brings me down.
When you're up to your hips in alligators,
@ You forget the original project was to drain the swamp.
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!
Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat
@ a psychopath to your door.
Call out the vice squad! Someone's mounting a disk drive!
He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance.
Lake Erie died for your sins.
While money can't buy happiness,
@ it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
You scratch my tape, and I'll scratch yours.
The cost of feathers has risen.... Now even down is up!
He keeps differentiating.... flying off on a tangent.
May all your PUSHes be POPed.
COLE's LAW - Thinly sliced cabbage.
Do married women make the best wives?
Three can keep a secret, if two are dead.
Morfy's law - Enythink thit ken go rong willl.

Is a Jamaican terminal a raster-farian?
Mount St. Helens should have used earth control.
Then there was the Formosan bartender named Taiwan-On.
He who laughs last is probably your boss.
Orcs really aren't so bad
@ (if you use lots of catsup).
It is hard to fly with the eagles
@ When you work with the turkeys.
Drilling for oil is boring.
Eat prune yogurt for that "get up and go" feeling.
More people have died in Teddy Kennedy's car than
@ in nuclear power plants.
Reagan in '84...... Bush in '85.
Teachers have class.
Found on a door in the MSU music building:
@ This door is baroquen, please wiggle Handel.
@ (If I wiggle Handel, will it wiggle Bach?)
Tennis players have fuzzy balls.
The solution of this problem is trivial and is left as an exercise
@ for the reader.
Physicists get hadrons.
Female programmers get their bits twiddled.
Sooner or later you must pay for your sins.
@ (Those who have already paid may disregard this notice).
Constants aren't; variables don't.
You ain't learning nothing when you're talking.
Chemistry professors never die, they just fail to react.
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
Depart in pieces.... i.e., Split.
Sex is like euchre; if you don't have a partner,
@ you'd better have a good hand!
Next time, give "the gift that keeps on giving": a female kitten.
Mobius strippers never show you their back side.
Where there's a will, there's an inheritance tax.
Midas was into golden showers.
Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing.
Neutrinos are into physicists.
On the wall of the women's restroom on the Enterprise:
@ "Where no man has gone before"
Celibacy is NOT hereditary.
Our houseplants have a good sense of humous.
On a clear disk you can seek forever.
Programming Department: Mistakes made while you wait.
Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
I claim that wasn't necessary. (D. D.)
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
Neuroses are red,
@ Melancholia's blue.
@I'm schizophrenic,
@ What are you?
Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid;
@ Open it and you remove all doubt.
Save Soviet Jews!
@ Collect them or trade them with your friends.
Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
Life is a bitch. Then you marry one.
@-KURT SCHELIN
LSD melts your mind, not in your hand.
Individualists unite!
Money is the root of all wealth.
Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.
Remember, the fact that you're paranoid
@ doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you!
Men have many faults,
@ Women only two:
@ Everything they say,
@ And everything they do!
Teamwork is vital!
@ (It gives you someone to blame.)
Keep America Beautiful.... emigrate.
If God had been in favor of homosexuality,
@ He never would have created Anita Bryant!
If all men were brothers,
@ would you let one marry your sister?
I'm all for computer dating,
@ But I wouldn't want one to marry my sister.
Chemists really know their bismuth.
If everything is coming your way,
@ you're in the wrong lane!
The expert is a person who avoids the small errors as he
@ sweeps on to the grand fallacy.
Documentation is the castor oil of programming ...
@ Managers know it must be good because the programmers
@ hate it so much.
The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its
@ capacity - the rest is overhead for the operating system.
The bearing of a child takes nine months,
@ no matter how many women are assigned to the project.
The generation of random numbers is too important
@ to be left to chance.
If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming
@ must be the process of putting them in.
Computers Unite! You have nothing to lose but your operators.
Are movies about Vulcans Pathe-logical?
Recursive, adj.; see Recursive
An expert is someone from out of town.
Meekness is uncommon patience in planning a worthwhile revenge.
Do students of Zen Buddhism do Om-work?
Poverty begins at home.
Do it today,
@ Tomorrow it will be illegal.
In case of fire,
@ yell "FIRE!"
Postmen never die,
@ they just lose their zip.
This cookie back by popular demand!
Rubber bands have snappy endings!
Old frogs never die,
@ But they do croak!
COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
Every time I lose weight,
@ It finds me again!
An idle mind is worth two in the bush.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support.
Whom computers would destroy,
@ they must first drive insane.
It's better to copulate than never!
A zygote is a gamete's way of producing more gametes.
Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human.
Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
Clones are people two.
Microwaves frizz your heir.
Laetrile is the pits.
Neil Armstrong tripped.
God did not create the world in seven days.
@ He partied for six and then pulled an all-nighter.
When taxes are due, Americans tend to feel quite bled-white and blue.
To make tax forms true they should read "Income Owed Us" and
@ Incommode You".
Whatever you say about pornography, sex is here to stray.
For a holy stint, a moth of the cloth gave up his woolens for lint.
Heard on Noahs' ark: Sailing is fun,
@ but scrubbing the decks is aardvark.
We all like praise, but a hike in our pay is the best kind of ways.
Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic? It's quite uncanny.
Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy!
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship.
Polymer physicists are into chains.
Vitamin C deficiency is apauling.
That which does not kill me makes me stronger.
@-Nitzhe
On all lasergrams: Don't forget the Zap code.
Time is just nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
There's no future in time travel.
Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
Take an astronaut to launch.
Jealousy is all the fun you think they have.
Sentient plasmoids are a gas.
Xerox never comes up with anything original.
Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with your fist.
Never leave anything to chance
@ make sure all your crimes are premeditated.
If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
Small programs are for small minds.
All programmers want arrays!
Satyrs have more faun.
Cobol programmers are down in the dumps.
Lawyers do it in their briefs.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Things worth having are worth cheating for.
Psychiatrists stay on your mind.
Fauns are never Satyr-sfied!
Astronauts get missile-toe.
If your feet smell and your nose runs - you're built upside down.
Mrs. Ghandi is in a sari state.
Raise ducks for quack profit.
Part-time musicians are semiconductors.
If it is not broke, don't fix it.
It is impossible to make anything foolproof
@ because fools are so ingenious.
Interchangeable parts won't.
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
In which level of metalanguage are you now speaking?
To iterate is human; to recurse, divine.
The problem with any unwritten law is that you
@ don't know where to go to erase it.
Counting in octal is just like counting in decimal,
@ if you don't use your thumbs.
Counting in binary is just like counting in decimal,
@ if you are all thumbs.
We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers.
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
The concept seems to be clear by now. It has been defined
@ several times by example of what it is not.
APL is a write only language:
@ You can write programs in it; but try and read them!
Don't sweat it - it's only ones and zeros.
If this is timesharing, give me my share right now.
Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.
Never put off 'til tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
He who puts his nose to the grindstone is a bloody fool.
The devil finds work for idle glands.
A friend in need is a pest indeed.
Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains.
He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages
@ will be known, far and wide, as a smart-ass.
Two is company, three is an orgy.
Let him who is stoned cast the first sin.
He who uses bad language is an ignorant schmuck.
Women should be obscene and not heard.
Children should be obscene and not heard.
Do unto others before they undo you.
Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first!
Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
The best things in life are for a fee.
He who is flogged by fate and laughs the louder is a masochist.
If all the girls at Vassar were laid end to end
@ I wouldn't be suprised!
You can fool some of the people all of the time,
@ and all of the people some of the time,
@ but you can make a fool of yourself anytime.
Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order.
People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.
Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Astronauts are out to launch.
Winter is I-commin back!
Zen Druids practice Transcendental Vegetation.
If you are what you eat, does that mean Euelle Gibbons
@ really was a nut?
gardeners are prone to sod-den decisions!
Be alert, America needs more lerts.
Joseph Stalin's grave was a Communist Plot.
There is no such thing as a "Fail Safe" design.
No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck.
Winning isn't everything, but then losing is nothing.
Don't ask me; I was hired for my looks.
Engineers do it precisely. Technicians do it a lot.
Computer Engineers do it bit by bit.
All I ask for is an opportunity to prove that
@ money doesn't buy happiness.
Poverty is the root of all evil.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.
To every rule there is an exception, and vice versa.
Archaeologists take sedimental journeys.
Remember, the paper is always strongest at the perforations.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Smile! It makes people wonder what you've been up to.
Smile! Things can only get worse.
After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
All requests for sick leave must be approved two weeks in advance.
There are two kinds of people in this world:
@ Those that want to BE something,
@ and those that want to DO something.
@ (There is less competition in the second category.)
Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past.
Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it.
@Give a speculator an inch and he'll build a condo.
Some men are discovered; others are found out.
Words must be weighed, not counted.
By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.
He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT.
You attempt things that you do not even plan because of your extreme stupidity.
Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves.
Words are the voice of the heart.
Your mind understands what you have been taught; your heart, what is true.
A king's castle is his home.
He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.
The universe is laughing behind your back.
The best prophet of the future is the past.
It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize.
Even the boldest zebra fears the hungry lion.
Money will say more in one moment than the most eloquent lover can in years.
Money may buy friendship but money can not buy love.
Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to
@get you out of Casablanca.
Creditors have much better memories than debtors.
Many pages make a thick book.
Every purchase has its price.
Do not underestimate the power of the Force.
You will step on the night soil of many countries.
Mind your own business, Spock. I'm sick of your halfbreed interference.
He who invents adages for others to peruse takes along rowboat when
@going on cruise.
Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.
If you suspect a man, don't employ him.
The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad.
Stop searching forever. Happiness is unattainable.
A man who fishes for marlin in ponds will put his money in Etruscan bonds.
A good memory does not equal pale ink.
How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent.
You dialed 5483
It's later than you think.
Mistakes are oft the stepping stones to failure.
It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things.
Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword.
Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone.
Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth.
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive.
Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down.
Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face.
Man's horizons are bounded by his vision.
To criticize the incompetent is easy;
@it is more difficult to criticize the competent.
He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.
Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples.
Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level.
You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
As goatherd learns his trade by goat, so writer learns his trade by wrote.
One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true.
Crazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!!
It is better to wear out than to rust out.
When the wind is great, bow before it; when the wind is heavy, yield to it.
The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf.
It is the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree.
How you look depends on where you go.
A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs.
A man who turns green has eschewed protein.
Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust.
Even a hawk is an eagle among crows.
Even the smallest candle burns brighter in the dark.
People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn.
Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
Try to divide your time evenly to keep others happy.
You have mail.
His heart was yours from the first moment that you met.
Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.
With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.
He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap.
Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.
Today is the last day of your life so far.
Flee at once, all is discovered.
Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self.
Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.
For a good time, call 8367-3100.
Those who can, do; those who can't, simulate.
Those who can, do; those who can't, write. Those who can't write
@work for the Merck Daily.
God does not play dice.
This fortune is inoperative. Please try another.
Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either.
No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail.
You will feel hungry again in another hour.
You now have Asian Flu.
God made the integers; all else is the work of Man.
Disk crisis, please clean up!
You auto buy now.
Many are called, few are chosen. Fewer still get to do the choosing.
Try the Moo Shu Pork. It is especially good today.
Many are cold, but few are frozen.
The early worm gets the bird.
He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.
The future isn't what it used to be. (It never was.)
Can't open /usr/lib/fortunes.
If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger hands.
It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance from Sam.
Disk crunch - please clean up.
Center meeting at 4pm in 2C-543
I will never lie to you.
Spock: We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain.
Your computer account is overdrawn. Please reauthorize.
1 bulls, 3 cows
It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa.
Waste not, get your budget cut next year.
Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
Snow Day - stay home.
Save gas, don't eat beans.
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
Ignore previous fortune.
When in doubt, lead trump.
23. ... r-q1
xenix soit qui mal y pense
Even a cabbage may look at a king.
Honi soit la vache qui rit.
No directory
Don't eat yellow snow.
One Bell System - it works.
One Bell System - it sometimes works.
* UNIX is a Trademark of Bell Laboratories.
chess tonight
External Security:
Peters hungry, time to eat lunch.
MOUNT TAPE U1439 ON B3, NO RING
A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.
IOT trap -- core dumped
IOT trap -- mos dumped
/usr/news/gotcha
Rotten wood can not be carved - Confucius (Analects, Book 5, Ch. 9)
System going down at 1:45 this afternoon for disk crashing.
: is not an identifier
Quantity is no substitute for quality, but its the only one we've got.
Those who can do, those who can't, write.
The more things change, the more they'll never be the same again.
New crypt. See /usr/news/crypt.
You might have mail.
You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME
You are in a maze of twisty little passages, all alike.
panic: norsdorf < fisnic
Beware of articulate incompetents
Movie Ratings
@PG -- the hero gets the girl.
@R -- the villain gets the girl.
@X -- everybody in the movie gets the girl.
Did you hear about the freeloving secretary
@who says two martinis usually make her feel like a new man.
"Simultaneous orgasms," explains a sex therapist, "are mostly
@the result of a stroke of luck."
13-YEAR-old GIRL -- meager beaver.
42D BRA -- tanks for the mammaries.
A daisy chain is no stronger than its weakest dink.
A lover is a strange bird. He feels strongest when he's all in.
A man was so miserable he decide to end it all with 100
@aspirins, but after he'd taken a couple he felt much better.
A pushover is like a personnel manager ... she gives out jobs.
A transplanted Cockney golf groupie is so accessible to the
@guys on the tour that she's been nicknamed the British Open.
A woman's like a waffle. You want to get one good and warm
@before you pour the syrup to her.
ADOLESCENCE -- when a lad forsakes his bosom buddy for a
@bosomed buddy.
ADOLESCENT INTERCOURSE -- teenster's union.
Adopting the metric system would have certain psychological
@advantages -- such as being able to claim 18 centimeters instead of
@seven inches.
AGENT PROFUCKATEUR -- a plainclothes cop who entraps
@streetwalkers into solicitation.
AIRCRAFT CARRIER -- a stewardess with V.D.
ALASKAN HOOKER -- frostitute.
ALIMONY -- buying gas for another man's car.
ALIMONY -- having an ex-husband you can bank on.
ANTICLIMAX -- a boregasm.
ARMY ORGY -- a ball of "WAC's".
ASSHOLE BUDDY -- a bun ami.
AUSTRALIAN ABORTION -- womberang.
AVANT-GARDE -- French chastity belt.
Baby conceived in back seat of car with automatic transmission
@grow up to be shiftless bastard.
BALL-JOINT SUSPENSION -- a raided brothel.
BEACH FOREPLAY -- getting down to the clitty-gritty.
BEATNIK -- a person who dropped the job but kept the coffee break.
BEATNIK CANNIBAL -- a man who eats three squares a day.
BICUSPID -- A.C. - D.C. spittoon.
BIKINI -- a bare trap.
BIKINI BOTTOM -- a bush jacket.
BIONIC DYKE -- a tin lezzie.
BIRTH CONTROL CREME -- anti-personnel balm.
BIVALVE -- an A.C./D.C. oyster.
Blonde girl has black hair, by crackey.
BOOBY HATCH -- a training bra.
BOOK CENSORS -- people who gripe because every time they look
@up a dirty word in the dictionary, it's there.
BORN LOSER -- a guy who has a wet dream and then wakes up to
@find he's contracted V.D.
BOY SCOUT -- a cub scout who ate a brownie.
BOYS' PUBIC HAIR -- sonny tufts.
BREAST-FED -- a female FBI agent.
BROWNIE POINTS -- boobs on a girl scout.
BUFFALO -- a greeting between two nudists.
BUGGERY -- a pop-up in foul territory.
BUST -- an unexpected narc at the door.
CALLGIRL -- a negotiable blond.
CAMP FOLLOWERS -- the fug-of-war team.
CAUTION is never asking, "Do you still respect me?"
SELF-PRESERVATION is not admitting that you don't.
CHEAPO SEX MASSEUSE -- a quarter pounder.
CHERRY BOMB -- a dissapointing virgin.
CHILD SUPPORT -- paying off a gamboling debt.
CHILI DOG -- a bitch that's not in heat.
CHINESE CASANOVA -- Don Whong.
CLITORIS -- a haired trigger.
CLOSET QUEEN -- male fraud.
COITUS INTERRUPTUS -- outer-space shot.
COLLECTION OF SEX MANUALS -- library of congress.
Compulsive masturbators have been classified by one
straight-talking psychiatrist as "completely whacko!"
CONCEITED PRIEST -- an altar ego.
CONDOM -- rubber check.
CONDOMPLATION -- deciding if she's worth spending a rubber on.
Confucious says: Dirty old fellow like chinese laundry man --
@always does own laundry by hand.
Confucius say: "Man who eats tennis shoes is likely to pass
@sneakers.
Confucius say: "Man who stands under naked woman on ladder
@likely to get rung ideas."
CONNOISSEUR -- a man who collects old masters and young
@mistresses.
CONTRACEPTIVE JELLY -- antipersonnel balm.
COPULATION -- sex between consenting police officers.
COUNTERFEIT MONEY -- homemade bread.
Cuddle up a little closer, it is a little shorter than you
@think.
CUMMERBUND -- german sex club.
CUNNILINGUS (Japanese definition) -- consluctive cliticism.
Cynicism among C.B. hookers has reached the point where one of
@them is reported to have said, "Never give a breaker an even suck!"
DAISY CHAIN -- a group of people getting their head together.
DAISY CHAIN -- coming full circle.
DECOY STREETWALKER -- a flatfoot floozy.
DEMIJOHN -- a rest room for midgets.
Did you hear about a chap who wanted to borrow $10,000 for a
@sex-change operation. As collateral, he offered to put up the family
@jewels.
Did you hear about a new chain of funeral parlors that have
@crematories right on the premises. They've registered the trade name
@Wake & Bake.
Did you hear about an entrepreneur whose idea is to set up
@weight-guessing stands in singles bars. It could be referred to as a
@weigh-a-lay plan.
Did you hear about an establishment near Parliament in our
@nation's capital that caters to kinky tastes. There's a House whip in
@attendance, of course.
Did you hear about an inexperienced stenographer who discovered
@that she could lose a lot more than letters behind the files.
Did you hear about an operatic soprano and her symphony-harpist
@boyfriend who have developed a high degree of artistic empathy, she
@humming his parts while he fingers her passages.
Did you hear about How they will call the athletes into line at
@the start of the 100 metres race at the 1980 Moscow Olympics -- On
@Your Marx.
Did you hear about one penile desensitizer that's so effective
@that you have to stroke the tube for five minutes to get the cap off.
Did you hear about the 97-year-old prostitute who got herself
@listed in the Yellow Pages and now claims to be the oldest trick in
@the book.
Did you hear about the absent minded sculptor who put his model
@to bed and started chiseling on his wife.
Did you hear about the absent-minded exhibitionist who was
@arrested for exposing his whatchamacalit.
Did you hear about the Acapulco hooker who gives such
@prodigious head that she's known as the gulp of Mexico.
Did you hear about the aging ingenue who thinks the best way to
@keep her youth is never to introduce him to other girls.
Did you hear about the ambitious secretary who walked into her
@boss's office and demanded a salary on next week's advance.
Did you hear about the Army noncom who had stripes tattooed on
@his penis so he could pull rank.
Did you hear about the artificial insemination enterprise in
@the Middle East called Seeders of Lebanon.
Did you hear about the basketball player who was so tall that
@his girlfriend had to go up on him.
Did you hear about the beautiful woman with
@lustrous raven tresses who does 100 strokes a night as a beauty
@treatment. And after that, if she has any energy left, she brushes
@her hair.
Did you hear about the Biblical straight-arrow who lived life
@as if there were no Gomorrah.
Did you hear about the bright young student who was awarded a
@full scholarship to the college of his choice -- it paid for tuition,
@books, and bail money.
Did you hear about the broad who made love in the back of a
@hack and wound up with Taxi crabs.
Did you hear about the careless contortionist who accidentally
@swallowed his pride.
Did you hear about the cinema buff that's very excited by
@current trends in films -- the hero still gets the girl in the end,
@but he's never sure which end it will be.
Did you hear about the compulsive gambler who drove to Las Vegas,
@pulled up to a parking meter, put a dime in -- - and lost his car.
Did you hear about the couple on the stalled elevator who got
@off between floors.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed shoe fetishist who was always
@getting off on the wrong foot.
Did you hear about the cynic who claims that "Xerox" never
@comes out with anything original.
Did you hear about the cynical husband who says it's better to
@have loved and lost than to have loved and won.
Did you hear about the desperate fellow with the frigid wife
@who bought a water bed and filled it with antifreeze.
Did you hear about the dissatisfied transplant patient who
@demanded that the surgeon replace his brand-new penis. It seems that
@it rejected his hand.
Did you hear about the drunken midget who walked into a home
@for girls and kissed everybody in the joint.
Did you hear about the elderly gentleman who was stung on the
@privates by a bee and asked the doctor to relieve the pain but leave
@the swelling.
Did you hear about the Eskimo girl who spent the night with her
@boyfriend and next morning found she was six months pregnant.
Did you hear about the existence of a Black Panther-gay lib
@group known as the African violets.
Did you hear about the farmer who couldn't keep his hands off
@his wife so he fired them.
Did you hear about the fellow who bought his wife a gold
@coil...he had always wanted to come into wealth.
Did you hear about the fellow who chased his girlfriend up a
@tree and kissed her between the limbs.
Did you hear about the fellow who decided to start
@procrastinating but never got around to it.
Did you hear about the fellow who got ten years for pumping
@ethyl behind the station.
Did you hear about the fellow who maintains a special register
@of particularly accommodating girls. He refers to it as his blew book.
Did you hear about the fellow who, upon being told by his
@shrewish wife that she would dance on his grave, promptly provided for
@a burial at sea.
Did you hear about the female activist who went berserk during
@a demonstration and attacked a karate-trained cop with a deadly
@weapon. She ended up a chopped libber.
Did you hear about the female lab technician who has asked to
@be transferred from a genetics-research project because the horny
@director keeps trying to get into her genes.
Did you hear about the freaky WAC who was court-martialed for
@contributing to the delinquency of a major.
Did you hear about the French girl who came to the U.S. but
@soon returned home--she missed her native tongue.
Did you hear about the french soldier who kisses both his
@wife's cheeks before he went to the front.
Did you hear about the freshman coed who decided not to sign up
@for a course in sex education when she heard the final exam would be oral.
Did you hear about the fun-loving young lady who insists she
@won't even consider marriage until she's gotten some experience under
@her belt.
Did you hear about the gay tattoo artist who had designs on
@several of the local sailors.
Did you hear about the girl who applied for a job as a
@night-deposit box in a sperm bank.
Did you hear about the girl who left the promotional orgy at
@the Sex Device Manufacturers' Convention with a vague feeling of
@unease. She didn't know what was eating her.
Did you hear about the girl who was fired from her job in a
@sperm bank after she became pregnant. They discovered she'd been
@embezzling.
Did you hear about the girl who was so undesirable that she
@even turned her vibrator off.
Did you hear about the girl with the big wardrobe who started
@with just a little slip.
Did you hear about the guru who refused Novocain while having a
@tooth pulled because he wanted to transcend dental medication.
Did you hear about the guy who couldn't find his way to the
@orgy -- you might say he lost his ball bearings.
Did you hear about the guy who shot his wad in Las Vegas but
@didn't have time to stay around and try his luck in the casinos.
Did you hear about the guy who was an incurable romantic until
@penicillin came along.
Did you hear about the guy who was so well endowed that he had a fiveskin.
Did you hear about the handsome bachelor Senator who hired a
@ravishing blonde as his assistant and then made her the object of a
@long Congressional probe.
Did you hear about the Happy Hooker's next book will be called
@"The Hollander Tunnel".
Did you hear about the high school drum major who dated two of
@his majorettes and so enjoyed the breasts of both whirlers.
Did you hear about the horny Eskimo who visited an Anchorage
@brothel and requested a nose job.
Did you hear about the hurricane that recently struck Fire
@Island -- Hurricane Bruce.
Did you hear about the imaginative California nun who claimed
@that her pregnancy was San Andreas' fault.
Did you hear about the ingenious doctor that prescribed sex for
@insomnia. His patients didn't get any more sleep, but they had more
@fun staying awake.
Did you hear about the insurance salesman who says his greatest
@successes are with young housewives who aren't adequately covered.
Did you hear about the inventive girl who somehow wired her
@personal vibrator to her bedside FM set and came up with the world's
@first radio alarm cock.
Did you hear about the jealous black activist who suspected
@that his wife was involved in some honkie-panky.
Did you hear about the Las Vegas high roller who would flip his
@nightly callgirl to see if he got head or tail.
Did you hear about the latest word on the male-grooming front
@is that a brand-new pubic shampoo is to be called Head and Boulders.
Did you hear about the little boy that found a fifty cent
@piece, so he went home for some money.
Did you hear about the loner who gave up his solitary vice for
@Lent -- except on Palm Sunday.
Did you hear about the man who broke his nose in amorous
@circumstances. He was making love to his wife doggy style and she
@suddenly ran under the bed.
Did you hear about the man who never worried about his marriage
@until he moved from New York to California and discovered that he
@still had the same milkman.
Did you hear about the marriage of the dipsomaniac and the
@nymphomaniac. it was nip and f--k all the way.
Did you hear about the meanest man in the world didn't tell his
@wife he was sterile until she got pregnant.
Did you hear about the new breakfast cereal called "Swingers".
@They don't go snap, crackle, or pop; they just lie there and go bang,
@bang, bang.
Did you hear about the new breakfast cereal called Porn Flakes
@that goes "Snatch! Nipple! Crotch!"
Did you hear about the new breakfast cereal called Queerios.
@You simply add milk and they eat each other.
Did you hear about the new dessert topping that S/M freaks get a
@bang out of is called Pistol Whips.
Did you hear about the new instrument of credit especially
@designed for use in single bars. It's called BANG AMERICARD.
Did you hear about the new rule at the girls' school. Lights
@out by ten, candles by eleven.
Did you hear about the new tooth paste for post-oral-orgy use.
@It is called DecaDent.
Did you hear about the new vitamin made from chicken blood, it
@makes men cocky and women lay better.
Did you hear about the newfie catastrophe, an outhouse burnt
@down and left forty homeless.
Did you hear about the Newfie girls that are using hockey pucks
@instead of tampons because they generally last for three periods.
Did you hear about the Newfie that Backed off the bus because
@he thought someone would grab his seat.
Did you hear about the Newfie that Called his girlfriend
@'Margarine Legs' because they spread so easily.
Did you hear about the Newfie that Called his girlfriend
@Tapioca because she could be made in a minute.
Did you hear about the Newfie that Looked in a lumber yard for
@a draft board.
Did you hear about the Newfie that Lost his girl friend because
@he couldn't remember where he had laid her.
Did you hear about the Newfie that Picked his nose apart so he
@could see how it ran.
Did you hear about the Newfie that Put his hat on his head in
@the john, so he would know what end to wipe.
Did you hear about the Newfie that Put iodine on his pay cheque
@because he got a cut in pay.
Did you hear about the Newfie that Sat home crying because her
@husband was out shooting crap, and she didn't know how to cook it.
Did you hear about the Newfie that Spent four days in Eatons,
@trying to buy a wheel for a miscarriage.
Did you hear about the Newfie that Thought "no kidding" was
@meant to be birth control.
Did you hear about the Newfie that Thought his typewriter was
@pregnant because it missed a couple of periods.
Did you hear about the Newfie that Thought Peter Pan was
@something to put under the bed.
Did you hear about the Newfie that Thought that a mushroom was
@a place to neck.
Did you hear about the Newfie that Thought that asphalt was
@rectum trouble.
Did you hear about the Newfie that Took a roll of toilet paper
@to a crap game.
Did you hear about the Newfie that Took his little dream boat
@out in the fog and mist.
Did you hear about the Newfie that Took his pregnant wife to a
@grocery store, because they had free delivery.
Did you hear about the Newfie that Was feeling low, so he got
@his face slapped.
Did you hear about the Newfie who joined the Navy because he
@heard that Waves are the best humpers--but he drowned trying to prove it.
Did you hear about the Newfie Who thought bees hum because they
@don't know the words.
Did you hear about the Newfie who thought his wife would look
@good in something long and flowing, so he pushed her into the
@Mississippi River.
Did you hear about the Newfie Who thought nipples were Japanese children.
Did you hear about the Newfie who took a course in exotic
@lovemaking and announced that he'd never be able to face his girl again.
Did you hear about the Newfie Who went flyfishing and came home
@with a seven pound bluebottle.
Did you hear about the Newfie Who wouldn't go out with his wife
@because she was married.
Did you hear about the newfie woman who couldn't get pregnant
@twice because she blew the both of them.
Did you hear about the next major-theme amusement park will be
@called Disneygland.
Did you hear about the not too bright mother of 12 who was
@called upon to use her diaphragm so often that she kept it tacked to
@the headboard of her bed.
Did you hear about the nun who was two monks behind in her period.
Did you hear about the nurse they thought had drowned until
@they found her under the doc.
Did you hear about the nymphomaniac teenager who was popularly
@known as Little Often Annie.
Did you hear about the old gentleman who had a massive stroke
@-- it is what made him popular at Sun City orgies.
Did you hear about the old rabbi who has performed so many
@circumcisions that he's popularly known as Max the Knife.
Did you hear about the operatic soprano and her
@symphony-harpist boyfriend who have developed a high degree of
@artistic empathy, she humming his parts while he fingers her passages.
Did you hear about the over-eager bride who came, walking down
@the aisle.
Did you hear about the perverted australian who left his wife
@and returned to Sydney.
Did you hear about the pessimistic historian whose latest book
@has chapter headings that read "World War One","World War Two" and
@"Watch This Space".
Did you hear about the poor fellow whose unfortunate pissing
@trajectory earned him the nickname Tinkletoes.
Did you hear about the poor girl from Appalachia who travelled
@to the city and made it big in the massage parlor field -- a case of
@going from rags to rigids.
Did you hear about the porno film that outgrossed its competitors.
Did you hear about the practical young miss who bought a
@negligee with fur around the hemline to keep her neck warm.
Did you hear about the procedure whereby a Nobel Prize winner
@furnishes sperm for artificial-insemination purposes that is referred
@to as A STROKE OF GENIUS.
Did you hear about the real smart girl who could play
@post-office all night without getting any mail in her box.
Did you hear about the recent cigarette survey that disclosed
@that 99% of the men who have tried Camels have gone back to women.
Did you hear about the recent survey that showed that the
@average young bachelor is more interested in high frequency than high
@fidelity.
Did you hear about the rumor that an FBI agent who was given
@task of shadowing a gay liberation leader has been summarily dismissed
@because he blew his assignment.
Did you hear about the rumor that Disneyland plans to promote a
@bumper sticker reading,DO A MOUSE A FAVOR: EAT A PUSSY!
Did you hear about the rumor that the vatican is freezing
@flavored holy water and selling the product as "Popesicles".
Did you hear about the rumor that Walt Disney Productions is
@going to remake "Beaver Valley" as a skin flick.
Did you hear about the secretary that got fired because she had
@one too mini.
Did you hear about the semiliterate streetwalker who
@unwittingly approached a plainsclothesman. Her proposition ended with
@a sentence.
Did you hear about the sultan who had ten wives, nine of them
@had it soft.
Did you hear about the sweet young journalism-school graduate
@who quit when she found out that the house organ she'd been hired to
@work on was attached to the editor.
Did you hear about the swinger who has labelled his little
@black book "Future Shack".
Did you hear about the ultimate in singles bars. It's a place
@where girls have to show their I.U.D.'s to be admitted.
Did you hear about the unreconstructed male supremacist who
@said that if all the women's lib activists were laid end to end, that
@it would be the best thing that could happen to them.
Did you hear about the weak-willed teenager who was forced into
@voyeurism by his Peeping Tom friends. It was peer-group pressure.
Did you hear about the wealthy necrophile who had bier tastes
@on champagne budget.
Did you hear about the wild office Christmas party in a
@completely automated company -- the computer got drunk and tried to
@undo the electric typewriter's ribbon.
Did you hear about the window washer who scared the boss right
@out of his secretary.
Did you hear about the woman who got out of a taxi, and charged
@the driver five bucks.
Did you hear about the woman who hates her husband so much that
@she closes her eyes during intercourse because she doesn't want to see
@him enjoying himself.
Did you hear about the young thing who is fondly known to the
@men in the office as Secretariat -- not because she's a good secretary
@but because she's a wonderful mount.
Did you hear about Why Christ wasn't born in Newfoundland?
@They couldn't find three wisemen, and a virgin.
Did you hear She's fine, upstanding, and wonderful laying down too.
Did you hear that A career girl's mind moves her ahead, while a
@chorus girl's mind moves her behind.
Did you hear that A man who likes to be in bed can usually find
@a girl willing to listen to him.
Did you hear that a new airline linking Geneva with Milan, Rome
@and Naples is to be called Genitalia.
Did you hear that a new line of bull sperm for use in animal
@husbandry will be called Elmer's Goo.
Did you hear that A voyeur's liberation front is being
@organized and their slogan is "Power To The Peephole".
Did you hear that acupuncture fees in China are so modest that
@they're referred to as pin money.
Did you hear that Air pollution is really making us pay through the nose.
Did you hear that anal sex is a bum trip.
Did you hear that bookstores will soon be stocking a volume
@called "The Unsensuous Census Taker". It's about a guy who comes once
@every ten years.
Did you hear that Carte Blanche plans to issue a specialty card
@for swingers -- to be called Charge d'Affaires.
Did you hear that David of the Bible was nothing but a young
@man who used leather to get his rocks off.
Did you hear that massage-parlor girls may soon be striking for
@better jerking conditions.
Did you hear that Most bachelors prefer girls who believe that
@children should be seen and not had.
Did you hear that one enterprising sperm bank is planning to
@distribute its product in aerosol dispensers. It's to be called
@Heirspray, of course.
Did you hear that orthopedist have reported the appearance of a
@new occupational disease epidemic to massage parlors. It's called
@penis elbow.
Did you hear that She said she would do anything for a mink
@coat, she got one, and now she can't button it up.
Did you hear that She was a farmer's daughter but she couldn't
@keep her calves together.
Did you hear that some experimental botanist has developed a
@strain of marijuana with aphrodisiac properties that he calls
@TUMBLEWEED.
Did you hear that some independent skin-flick producers are
@combining to form a major studio to be known as 20th Century-Fux.
Did you hear that some supermarkets are now selling six-packs
@of whipped cream -- in case you're going to an orgy.
Did you hear that The difference between a 20-year old
@prostitute and a 15-year old teeny-bopper is that between 20 dollars
@and 20 years.
Did you hear that the ecumenical movement has reached a
@milestone with the agreement on the text of the first Jewish-Catholic
@prayer -- one that begins "Oy vay, Maria"
Did you hear that The fastest four-handed game in the world is
@when it slips out.
Did you hear that the Fire Island Deli is featuring a special
@submarine sandwich this season. Naturally, it's mostly tongue.
Did you hear that the first aphrodisiac-laxative is about to
@hit the market -- under the name Easy Come, Easy Go.
Did you hear that the Ku Klux Klan, in an effort to keep up
@with the times, is considering changing its name to the White Muslins.
Did you hear that The Masters and Johnson clinic may well be
@the only organization in the world from which a man resigns when be
@becomes a member in good standing.
Did you hear that The only thing worse than coming home with
@lipstick on your collar is being caught with leg make-up on your ears.
Did you hear that the Pope's next pronouncement on birth
@control is to be titled "Paul's Epistle to the Fallopians".
Did you hear that the pretty lab technicians in busy sperm
@banks are sometimes asked to lend a hand.
Did you hear that the trademark people in Washington are in a
@quandary over an application from an electrified-dildo manufacturer to
@register the term Good Vibes.
Did you hear that the vote on a bill to legalize bisexuality
@could go either way.
Did you hear that those new edible candy pants are about to be
@distributed in a male version -- with nuts of course.
Did you hear that Witches don't have babies because their
@husbands have halloweenies.
Did you hear The report that the leading manufacturer of
@imported vibrators is a Japanese firm that now calls itself Genital
@Electric.
Did you hear What to do about fall-out, re-insert and shorten strokes.
Did you hear You can make it illegal, but can't make it unpopular.
DILDO -- fucksimile.
DOGGY STYLING -- Plutonic sex. (Mickey Mouse dictionary)
DRAG NYET -- police raid on transvestites.
Ecology freaks sniff at users of spray cans. The ecologists
@claim, "They're just a bunch of stinking aerosols."
EFFICIENCY EXPERT -- a smart ass who knows a million ways to
@make love, but doesn't know anybody who'll let him have any.
EGOTIST -- a guy who suffers from I strain.
ENVIRONMENTAL POLLUTION -- domain poisoning.
ERECTION -- a beaver cleaver.
EROGENEOUS ZONE -- the skin you touch to love.
EXHIBITIONIST -- a fellow who wants to make one thing
@perfectly clear.
EXOTIC DANCER -- a girl who brings home the bacon a strip at a time.
FALSIES -- gay deceivers.
FALSIES -- the enhancer to a maiden's pair.
FELLATIO -- poon tongue.
FELLATIO -- the French connection.
FELLATIO FOREPLAY -- a taste of things to come.
FELLATIO FOREPLAY -- a taste of things to come.
FEMININE ACTIVISM -- a lib shtick.
FERTILIZATION -- natures way of telling a girl she's a good egg.
Finger fun is called MASTER-bation because anyone old enough to
@take things in hand can master it.
FIST FUCK -- knuckle ball.
FLASHED POTATOES -- a streak freak's stud spuds.
FLAT-CHESTED SECRETARY -- a topographical error.
FLEXIBLE FLIER -- a stewardess who get laid in the john of a 707.
FLY PAPER -- a cardboard zipper.
FOOTBALL GROUPIE -- Jock absorber.
FOREPLAY -- Operation Head Start.
FORNIFICATION -- adultery without benefit of clergy.
FRENCH SQUARE DANCE -- go-down hoedown.
FROZEN SPERM -- ice-cold pop.
GAY cowboy -- buggeroo.
GAY CRUISER -- a shopping lisp.
GAY DAISY CHAIN -- swish kabob.
GAY MASOCHIST -- a sucker for punishment.
GAY PRIDE -- a group of homosexual lions.
GEORGIA ATHLETE -- Cracker jock.
Girl should not marry basketball player. He dribbles before he shoots.
Girl who douches with vinegar walk around with sourpuss.
Girl who marries detective must kiss dick.
Girl who rides a bicycle peddles ass all over town.
Going into a bar on Saturday night isn't much different from
@attending an auction...the best merchandise usually leaves with the
@highest bidder.
GOLD DIGGER -- a gal who believes sinner take all.
GOOD SCOUT -- someone who knows the lay of the land and will
@take you to her.
GROUPIE -- a bandbox.
GROUPIE -- a piece of the rock.
HANGOVER -- the brew of the night meeting the cold of the
@day.
Happiness is inviting a chick to hit the feathers and hearing
@her say she'll be tickled pink.
HARLOT'S MOTTO -- "Dough or Don't"
He offered her a Round the World Cruise. Too late she learned,
@it was only a spin on his water bed.
He took a shine to her stuff ... so she polished him off in a
@hurry.
He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
@Heading our current list of fanciful marital aids is an
@alum-based douche called Shrunken Treasure.
Here's a question for all you old married men: If you had to
@do it all over, would you be able to get it up again.
HICCUP -- a fart that backfired.
HIGHWAY QUICKIE -- braking and entering.
HOME COOKING -- the place many a man thinks his wife is.
HONEYMOON -- the grand opening of Beaver Dam.
HOOKER'S INCOME -- John dough.
HORNY ORIENTAL CHEF -- a cock of the wok.
Houses of ill fame are reportedly now accepting a specialty
@credit card -- Master Discharge.
How does one determine the sex of a chromosome? Take its genes
@off.
HUMDINGER -- an electric dildo.
Husband who fights with wife all day gets no piece at night.
I've taken so many cold showers to fight temptation," the
@priest told the psychiatrist, "that every time it rains, I get an

@erection".
I.U.D. -- box spring.
I.U.D. -- womberang.
If sex is a pain in the ass for you. You are doing it
@wrong.
Illogical as it may seem, the only women whom most men are
@reluctant to throw bone are the ones they consider real dogs.
IMPEACHMENT -- premature ejaculation.
IMPOTENCE -- lack of response-ability.
IMPOTENT ACTOR -- a boneless ham.
IMPOTENT FLASHER -- public futility.
INCESTUOUS LESBIAN SISTERS -- nibbling siblings.
Inscription on hooker's tombstone: AT LAST, SHE SLEEPS ALONE.
It might be a good idea to think twice before jumping in bed
@with a lady ventriloquist. Think about it: there she is; there you
@are; and just as you're zeroing on target, it laughs at you.
It was in a crockery warehouse that two homosexual stock boys
@were arrested by the vice squad detective. One was giving the other
@his head on a platter.
It was love at first sight between the handsome libertine and
@the appealing young prostitute. He swept her off her back!
ITALIAN SLUM -- spaghetto .
JESUS CHRIST -- the Messiah's handle.
JOCKSTRAP -- ball-bearing device.
Kotex not best in world but next to it.
LABIA MAJORA -- the curly gates.
LAPPING PUSSY -- a cat who drinks milk.
Last summer, it was easy to spot the NOUVEAUX RICHES. They
@were the ones were watering their lawns with coffee.
LATENT HOMOSEXUALITY -- swishful thinking.
LESBIAN -- a mannish depressive with delusions of gender.
LESBIAN TWINS -- lick-alikes.
LESBIANS -- insurmountable odds.
LOGARITHM -- a Catholic birth-control record.
Long hair styles are confusing to animals. They're not used to
@seeing pony tails on jackasses.
LOSER -- a man who is tried in a small-claims court for
@exhibitionism.
LOSER -- as a guy who computer-dating service sends him the
@number of Dial-A-Prayer.
LOSING STREAK -- jogging in the buff to shed weight.
MAIDENHEAD -- pot-smoking virgin.
Make love in the shower. That way you can get your birthday
@suits cleaned and pressed.
Making whoopee is like filleting a fish ... it's all in how you
@bone it.
MALE CHAUVINIST -- Ms. demeaner.
MALE PRO -- a laddy of the evening.
MALE PUBIC HAIR -- dick Vandyke.
MALE SKIN-FLICK LEAD -- a shooting star.
Males for sale do not call their joint homey names like House
@of Ill Repute. They dub it PHALLUS PALACE.
Man and mouse alike. Both end up in pussy.
Man who eat macaroni and meat balls, shit yo-yos.
Man who farts in church sits in own pew.
Man who gets kicked in testicles left holding bag.
Man who lay girl on hill not on level.
Man who lays woman on ground get peace on earth.
Man who loses key to girls apartment get no new key.
Man who marries girl with no bust has right to feel low down.
Man who pees in cash register finds it runs into money.
Man who sells Kotex is crack salesman.
Man who sucks nipples make clean breast of things.
Man with holes in pockets, feels cockey all day.
Marilyn Chamber's picture is no longer on boxes--runs one
@explanation--because her box is now in pictures.
MARRIAGE LICENSE -- a piece warrant.
MARRIAGE LICENSE -- noosepaper.
MASOCHISM -- the agony of the ecstasy.
MASSAGE PARLOR GIRL -- a peter maid.
MASTURBATION -- coming unscrewed.
MASTURBATION -- Self-service elevator.
MASTURBATION -- self-service elevator.
MASTURBATOR -- a self-made man.
Men may come and men may go, but a cast iron dildo is hard to top.
Men who eat like a horse seldom are hung like one.
MENAGE A TROIS -- one plus one making one.
Middle age is when you're old enough to know better but young
@enough to look forward to it.
MIDGET CIRCUMCISION -- tiny trim.
MILITANT FEMINIST -- adamant Eve.
MILLIONAIRE CUNNILINGUIST -- Midas muffer.
MINIVIBRATORS -- toys for twats.
Misery is being called away from the orgy to take an obscene
@phone call.
MISTRESS -- something between a mister and a mattress.
MONKEY WRENCH -- a spasm in the orgasm chasm.
MONS PUBIS -- box top.
MORNING -- the time of day when the rising generation retires,
@and the retiring generation rises.
MOTEL TOWEL -- a panky hanky.
MOTHER'S DAY -- nine months after father's day.
MOUNTAIN CLIMBER'S VASECTOMY -- dry sack on the rocks.
MOUTH PLUMBER -- a dentist.
MOVABLE FEAST -- going down on a belly dancer.
Much as I'd like to meet a guy who's a male ten," mused the
@girl, "I'd settle for one who's got a nine."
MUNICIPAL GRAFT -- city haul.
NARCISSISM -- playing strip solitaire.
Never underestimate the power of a woman. If you do, they'll
@call you names...like "husband" and "father"--but not necessarily in
@that order.
NIPPLE -- titular head.
No woman should be stuck in the kitchen. At least take her to
@the hall, where the carpet's cleaner.
No wonder a repeat performance is called a SECOND HELPING. When
@a man goes for seconds, he needs all the help he can get.
NOCTURNAL EMISSION -- dream cream.
NUDE COLORATURA -- muff diva.
NUDIST CAMP -- a place where the peeling is mutual .
NUDIST COLONY -- a place where men and women air their
@differences.
NUDIST COLONY -- a place where the sun worshipers hang out.
NURSERY -- a place to park last year's fun until it grows up.
NYMPHOMANIAC -- a groin-operated sex machine.
NYMPHOMANIAC'S DIARY -- an organ recital.
OBOOKER -- roly holer.
OFF-COLOR COMEDIAN -- Obscene jester.
OLD FASHIONED GIRL -- the one who gets kissed goodnight
@instead of good-morning.
OLD MAID -- a girl of advanced years who has gone through life
@with no hits, no runs, and no errors.
One conceivable defense against rape, says a resourceful young
@lady, is to beat off the attacker.
Opportunity knocks but temptation rings the bell.
OPTIMIST -- a man who makes a motel reservation before a blind
@date.
ORGASMIC CRY -- a sperm wail.
ORGY -- ass en masse.
ORGY -- rolling with the bunches.
PADDED TRAINING BRA -- tits for tots.
PAJAMA PARTY -- roomers in bloomers.
PAJAMAS -- items of clothing that newly-weds place beside
@their bed in case of fire.
PARAMOUR -- A mistress who's pretty good at golf, too.
@Paratrooper and Greek lover, both know how to pack a chute.
PARIS VICE-SQUAD COP -- skin flic.
PARTY RECORD -- an account of the times you come.
PASSION -- a feeling you feel when you feel you are going to
@feel what you never felt before.
Passionate kiss like spider's web, leads to undoing of fly.
PASTIES -- bumper stickers.
PENICILLIN -- what you give the man who has everything.
PENIS ENVY -- A malady suffered by some girls. To them we say,
@"Ask, and it shall be given unto you."
PERFECT SECRETARY -- one who comes in for dictation with a
@notebook, pencil, and towel.
PETER PAN -- a moving shot in a skin flick.
PICKLE -- a Phallus Diller.
PLANNED PARENTHOOD ASSOCIATION -- Emission Control Center.
POPULATION EXPLOSION -- when people take leave of their
@census.
PORNO WESTERN -- a movie in which all the guys are hung.
PORNOGRAPHY -- cliterature.
POSH PLEASURE PALACE -- where you pay high to lay 'em low.
POT LUCK -- not getting busted at the dope grope.
PRE-MARITAL CHECKUP -- an entrance exam.
PREMATURE EJACULATION -- a spoilspurt.
PREMATURE EJACULATION -- going off half-cocked.
PRIVATE SECRETARY -- a good one never misses a period.
PROFESSIONAL STUD -- working stiff.
PROPHYLACTIC -- measure of inflationary protection.
PROSTITUTE -- a beddy buy.
PSYCHIATRIST -- trauma critic.
PUBERTY -- that time in life when one is too old for doll
@houses and too young for penthouses.
PUBESCENT NYMPHO -- a tyromaniac.
PUBIC HAIR -- nature's dental floss.
PUT DOWN ROOTS -- what masseuses do when the massage parlor's
@raided.
Question: Why are camels called ships of the desert?
@Answer: Because they are filled with Arab semen. ;From Don MacNeill
QUICKIE -- a moment's piece.
QUICKIE -- no sooner spread than done.
RACIAL SUPERIORITY -- a pigment of one's imagination.
RAPE -- seduction without salesmanship.
RED-LIGHT DISTRICT -- an erogeneous zone.
RELAY -- the second time around.
RHYTHM METHOD -- off-season planting.
RIDING-WHIP EJACULATION (Masochist's supplement) -- the cream
@of the crop.
RISING INFLATION -- buck fever.
RODEO FLOOZY -- a saddle tramp.
SADIST -- a man who gives a paralytic friend a self-winding
@wrist watch.
SAFE CRACKER -- Georgia girl on the pill.
SAFE-CRACKER -- Georgia girl on the pill.
SAFETY BELT -- the one you don't drink before driving home.
SATYRIASIS -- early to bed early to rise.
SCHMUCK -- a guy who goes to a swinging-singles party and shits
@in the hot tub.
SECRETARY -- not permanent fixture until properly screwed on desk.
SELF-ABUSE -- a pound of flesh.
SEMEN -- knock-up drops.
SEVEN YEAR ITCH -- when all you're getting out of marriage is
@bed and bored.
SEX -- a mutual fun investment.
Sex is like housework. A woman can do a real good job, but it
@never stays done--and the better job she does, the more likely she is
@to do it again real soon.
Sex is one of the few businesses in which a man doesn't mind
@starting at the top and working his way down.
Sex is the ultimate peacemaker as it eventually softens all
@hard feelings.
SEX-CHANGE SURGEON -- gender amender.
SEXUAL ABSTINENCE -- nocturnal omission.
SEXUAL EYE SIGNALS -- diddlywinks.
SEXUAL HANGUP -- the termination of an obscene phone call.
SEXUAL LUBRICANT -- greasy id stuff.
SEXUAL REVOLUTION -- pleasant uprising.
SEXY SCANDINAVIAN -- magnetic Norse.
She was an international beauty of easy virtue and as she
@travelled all over Europe, she managed to make every second count.
She was only the candy maker's daughter, but all the boys had
@caramel knowledge of her.
SHREWD SHEIKS -- oil slicks.
Sign in a lingerie-shop window: SPECIAL BRAS FOR JOGGERS.
@YOUR BOUNCE CHECKED.
Sign in massage-parlor window: LET OUR STAFF SATISFY YOURS!
Sign spotted in a massage-parlor window: COME IN! WE KNEAD YOUR
@BUSINESS!
SILICONE INJECTIONS -- two-point conversions.
SIXTY-NINE -- a double-header.
SOB SISTER -- a girl who sits on your lap and bawls and makes
@it hard for you.
SOCIETY SWINGER -- a person who sleeps with just everyone, but
@not just anyone.
SODOMY -- something any asshole can do.
SODOMY -- stem to stern.
Some girls are like car radiators. If you don't keep them full
@of alcohol, they freeze up on you.
SOUND OF AN ORGY -- the din of iniquity.
Speaking of suitability for the job ... we understand a TV
@station in Minneapolis just hired a frigid weatherwoman.
SPINSTER -- unlusted number.
SPRING FEVER -- when the iron in your blood turns to lead in your pants.
STACKED VIRGIN -- a cherry tomato.
Staying single is largely a matter of spacing. You have to
@make sure your dates don't want a mate, they just wanta mate.
STORK -- the bird that has all the work and none of the fun of
@bringing babies.
STREETWALKER -- pussyfooter.
SUBURB -- a community in which a man will lend you his wife but
@not his golf clubs.
TATTLE TAIL GAY -- a pansy who blows and crows.
TEENAGE ATHLETIC SUPPORTER -- a jerk strap.
The average woman wants two things--less meat on her bones and
@more bone in her meat.
The best way to get rid of bad vibes, insists a self-reliant
@girl we know, is to put in fresh batteries.
The difference between being able to go on forever and feeling
@sure you'll never be able to go again is about ten minutes.
The hole in a donut and the hole in a toilet seat are made of
@exactly the same material. However, you will not sell many donuts by
@advertising this fact.
The honeymoon is over when he says, "You CAN'T start labor
@now--it's my bowling night!"
The Jack in The Box is an educational toy. It teaches a kid
@that every time you play with it, it pops up.
The next time we say 'Screw or walk!' to our double dates,"
@groaned the fellow to his buddy, "we better have our own car."
THE PILL -- something girls use to take the worry out of being
@close.
The record of Ben Franklin's sexual exploits leads inevitably
@to the conclusion that he didn't invent the lightning rod. He was
@born with one.
Then there was the brave and horny shepherd boy who tried wolf.
Those who cook carrots and peas in same pot, not very
@sanitary.
THREE TIME LOSER -- a guy who pays $200 for a piece of ass and
@ends up with a donkey, which turns out to be a make, with hemorrhoids.
TIMID FEMINIST -- chicken libber.
TO LAY (verb) -- object of a proposition.
Today's all-American boy eats both Mom's apple pie and the girl
@next door.
TRANSVESTITE -- drag addict.
TRANSVESTITE BUDDY -- a guy who will give you the skirt off his back.
TRIPLETS -- valuing seriously what was poked at you in fun.
TV CENSOR -- Bleeping Tom.
UNICORN -- a horse with a horn on.
UNLIBERATED FEMALE -- Uncle Mom.
VAGINA -- a balled spot.
VAGINA -- the box a penis comes in.
VAGINA -- tunnel of love.
VAGINAL JELLY -- hole schmear.
VAGINAL LUBRICANT -- a slitty slicker.
VALENTINE -- a card with a heart on.
VASECTOMY -- a conversion from a working model to sports model.
VASECTOMY -- tearing off a piece of vas.
VATICAN -- a house of pill refute.
VIBRATOR -- a slot machine.
VIBRATOR -- a slot machine.
VICE SQUAD -- pussy posse.
VICE VERSA -- dirty italian poetry.
VIRGIN -- a girl who stops at nothing.
VIRGIN -- A girl who won't take in what her boyfriend is taking out.
VIRGINITY -- a bubble on the sea of fate. One prick and it's
@gone forever.
Virginity like balloon, one prick, all gone.
VOYEUR -- a window fan.
WAKE-UP ERECTION -- a morning thickness.
WASHROOM ATTENDANT -- a dump waiter.
We call some parts of our body "private", yet they're the ones
@we most enjoy saving.
We suppose that a famous ballerina's protege-lover could be
@said to be under her tutelage.
We would not number on our list of friends the creep who locks
@all the bathroom doors at a beer party.
WEAKLING -- a girl who means " no " but can't say it.
WELL ENDOWED FEMALE -- a prowed beauty.
WET DREAM -- getting a load off your mind.
WHACKING OFF -- glans slam.
What is red, green, and goes 150 m.p.h.?
@A frog in a blender
What's black and white and red all over?
@A nun with a nosebleed.
Q: What's disturbing many priests and nuns these days is
@A: Cloisterphobia.
What's red and silly? A blood clot.
When a gent finally gets to be the world's greatest lover, his
@success has been a long time coming.
When a marriage starts to break up, the best thing to do is to
@start picking up the pieces -- a piece here and a piece there.
When an Indian painted his face, it meant war. When a woman
@does, she's out for peace.
When Neanderthal man lumbered home from the hunt, he was less
@than fully erect, according to anthropologists. That figures, of
@course, considering how ugly Neanderthal woman was.
When they get around to doing a nudie series on TV, we presume
@that the tryout episode will be referred to as a BUSH PILOT.
Where cousins come from? Ant holes.
Where will Prince Charles spend his honeymoon? In Diana, of course.
While revenge may consist of seducing your enemy's wife, sweet
@revenge is the realization that she's a lousy lay.
Wife who put husband in dog-house often find in cat house.
Wife who slide down banister make monkey shine.
WINTER -- when the air conditioning repairmen leave for Europe
@and the furnace repairmen return.
WITHDRAWAL PAINS -- when a dog pulls out too fast.
WOLF -- a man with a little black book of canceled chicks.
WOLF -- a man with a strong will whose looking for a girl with
@a weak won't.
Woman who die virgin sure to get laid in coffin.
Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack may be titbit.
Woman who put rooster in freezer have frozen cock.
Woman who spends much time on bedspring may have offspring.
WOMBAT -- an australian dildo.
You can pick your friends and......
@you can pick your nose but......
@you can't pick your friend's nose. ;FROM: ARMSTRONG
Young lovers, shop around before you buy. Puppy love is often
@the prelude to a dog's life.
ZEBRA -- the largest size a woman can buy.
"Adam," cried Eve, "Hear my beef!
@I've nothing to wear but a leaf.
@ So call Neiman Marcus
@ To outfit my carcass,
@Or your sex life is coming to grief."
"Are the tarts," they asked astronaut Muller,
@"Or Uranus more lively..or duller?"
@ He replied, "They're obscene!
@ Since their pussies are green,
@They are whores of a different color!"
"I enjoy," claimed a nympho named Henty,
@"Being had by some fifteen or twenty;
@ For the sessions I prize
@ Have a surfeit of guys,
@Since an orgy's a horny of plenty."
"Mother, may I take a job?"
@"Yes, my darling daughter.
@ Lay on your back
@ And open your crack
@And charge at least a quarter."
"That was fun," she exclaimed, "Shall we try
@One more round?" I replied, with a sigh,
@ "It's sad to admit,
@ But my time's come to quit ...
@Can't you see that my bone is BONE DRY?"
"The love nest in cute Sherry Wright
@Is not only juicy and tight,
@ But it's free, man, it's free!
@ Which is why you'll find me
@In tight Sherry Wright every night."
"Well, I took your advice, doc,"Said Knopp,
@"And told my wife to try it on top.
@ She bounced for an hour,
@ Till she ran out of power,
@And the kids, who'd grown bored, made us stop."
"Well, madam," the bishop declared,
@While the vicar just mumbled and stared,
@ "'twere better, perhaps,
@ In the crypt or the apse,
@Because sex in the nave must be shared."
"When we were first wed," said Ma Spears,
@"My man used to leave me in tears.
@ But since his vasectomy
@ And my hysterectomy,
@The old fool ain't pulled out in years."
"You may think me a bit of a cynic,"
@Wheezed a crafty old geezer name Minnick
@ To a gal of the night,
@ "But you don't look just right,
@And I'd hate to end up in a CLINIC!"
"Young man," cried Marie, "Don't you do it!
@Unhand my love gland, or you'll rue it!"
@ He stopped very fast.
@ She thought, "How half ast!"
@And he is ... that's all there is to it.
"Your rich coffee cake, Sara Lee,
@Has made me a waist sixty-three.
@ My stomach, alas,Is such a big mass,
@I can't even see ME when I pee.
A bather whose clothing was strewed
@By breezes that left her quite nude,
@ Saw a man come along
@ And, unless I am wrong,
@You expected this line to be lewd.
A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
@I am not I, I'm a tree."
@ But another, more sane,
@ Shouted, "I'm a great dane!"
@And covered his pants leg with pee.
A beautiful spy from Boulogne
@Hid a very small bomb in her groin.
@ One night, after supper,
@ When the colonel was up her,
@It blew off his balls with a BOINNGGG.
A bored, brushy broad from Peru
@Grew restless with no one to screw.
@ So she sat on the stairs
@ And counted the hairs
@Down below ... that's where most of 'em grew.
A brazen young maiden from Camelot
@Enticed a brave jouster named Sam a lot.
@ At last the fair charmer
@ Got under Sam's armor...
@Now she's pushing Sam's son in a pram a lot.
A broken-down harlot named Tupps
@Was heard to confess in her cups:
@ "The height of my folly
@ Was diddling a collie,
@But I got a nice price for the pups."
A buggering Texan name Skelly
@Likes boyish butts under his belly.
@ When a catamite foil
@ Hears him brag, "I'm in oil!"
@What is meant is petroleum jelly.
A busy young lady named Gloria
@Was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier
@ And then by six men,
@ Sir Gerald again,
@And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria.
A cabin boy on an old clipper
@Grew steadily flipper and flipper.
@ He plugged up his ass
@ With fragments of glass
@And thus circumcised his old skipper.
A Catholic female name Trent
@Refrained from the sex act for Lent.
@ Although she kept feigning
@ She liked the abstaining,
@She was eager to come when Lent went.
A cautious young fellow named Lodge
@Had seatbelts installed in his dodge.
@ When his date was strapped in,
@ He committed a sin,
@Without even leaving his grodge.
A certain young sheik of Algiers
@Said to his harem, "My dears,
@ Though you may think it odd of me,
@ I'm tired of just sodomy
@Let's try straight fucking." (loud cheers!)
A charmer from Old amarillo,
@Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow,
@ Decided one day
@ That to keep men away
@She would stuff up her crevice with brillo.
A clever young man named Eugene
@Invented a jack-off machine.
@ On the twenty-third stroke
@ The goddam thing broke
@And beat both his balls to a creame.
A clever young whaler from Wales
@Sticks nude pics to walls without nails.
@ A flip with his fin
@ Glues 'em neat as a pin.
@'Cept for drips, which he catches in pails.
A computer called Illiac-four
@Had a rather tough bug in its core.
@ It chewed up its cards
@ And spewed yards and yards
@Of illegible tape on the floor.
A corpulent maiden named Kroll
@Had a notion exceedingly droll:
@ At a masquerade ball,
@ Dressed in nothing at all,
@She backed in as a parker house roll.
A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison
@And had an affair with a saracen.
@ She was not oversexed,
@ Or jealous or vexed,
@She just wanted to make a comparison.
A cute little twerp from Samoa
@Had a cock of one inch and no moa.
@ It was good for keyholes
@ And debutantes' peeholes
@But not worth a damn on a whoa.
A deep-throated virgin named Netty
@Was sucking a cock on the jetty.
@ She said, "It tastes nice,
@ Much better than rice,
@Though not quite as good as spaghetti."
A dentist, young doctor Malone,
@Got a charming girl patient alone,
@ And, in his depravity,
@ Filled the wrong cavity.
@God, how his practice has grown!
A distinguished professor from Swarthmore
@Got along with a sexy young sophomore.
@ As quick as a glance
@ He stripped off his pants,
@But he found that the sophomore'd got off more.
A doctoral student from Buckingham
@Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em.
@ But a dropout from Paree
@ Taught him gamahuchee
@So he added a footnote on sucking 'em.
A famous fellatrice named Bess
@Refused all requests from the press
@ To explain her renown
@ As a great goer down--
@She was tight-tipped about her success.
A flatulent fellow named Ray
@Emitted a flatus, one day.
@ The shock was reported
@ In main and recorded
@On a seismograph out in L.A.
A frustrated lady named Alice
@Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
@ They found her vagina
@ In North Carolina
@And bits of her tits were in Dallas.
A gay young prince from Morocco
@Made love in a manner rococco.
@ He painted his penis
@ To resemble a venus
@And flavored his semen with cocoa.
A geneticist living in delft
@Scientifically played with himself,
@ And when he was done
@ He labled it: son,
@And filed him away on a shelf.
A geography student named Willy
@Had ways we can only call silly.
@ To a masquerade ball,
@ He wore nothing at all,
@Pretending to represent Chile.
A gifted young fellow from Sparta
@Was widely renowned as a farta'.
@ He could fart anything
@ From "Of thee I sing,"
@To Beethoven's "Moonlight sonata."
A girl camper once had an affair
@With a fellow all covered with hair.
@ When she gave him his hat
@ She realized that
@She'd been had by Smokey the Bear.
A girl from the twin suns of Xentacles
@Was attacked by a thing with six tentacles.
@ It was big as a moose
@ But she promptly got loose
@By kicking it right in the gentacles.
A glandular stud from Cape Ann
@Likes to grind a gal's rind on the sand.
@ When gnats are about,
@ He'll not take it out ...
@Which accounts for the bites on his can.
A greedy young lady from Sidney
@Liked it in up to her kidney,
@ Till a man from Quebec
@ Shoved it up to her neck--
@He really diddled her, didn' he?
A green-thumbed young farmer from Leeds
@Once swallowed a package of seeds.
@ In a month, his ass
@ Was covered with grass
@And his balls were grown over with weeds.
A habit depraved and unsavory
@Held the Bishop of Bingham in slavery
@ Midst screeches and howls
@ He deflowered young owls
@Which he kept in an underground aviary
A handsome young rodent named Gratian
@As a lifeguard became a sensation.
@ All the lady mice waved
@ And screamed to be saved
@By his mouse-to-mouse resuscitation.
A hearty young fellow named Yost
@Once had an affair with a ghost.
@ At the height of the spasm
@ The poor ectoplasm
@Cried, "Goodie! I feel it ... almost."
A hosiery maker named Schmucker,
@While instructing a novice sock tucker,
@ Said, "Don't puff them out
@ Like they're blown up with gout
@For appeal in the feel, use your pucker!"
A hot blooded damsel, Miss Pickett,
@Had a hickey flare up in her thickett.
@ The young doctor said,
@ "Now lady, get spread,
@It's obvious I'll have to prickett!"
A joker who haunts monticello
@Is really a terrible fellow.
@ In the midst of caresses
@ He fills ladies dresses
@With garter snakes, ice cubes, and jello.
A lad, at his first copulation,
@Cried, "What a sensation! inflation,
@ Gyration, elation
@ Throughout the duration,
@I guess I'll give up masturbation."
A lady from Kalamazoo
@Once found she had nothing to do,
@ So she sat on the stairs
@ And she counted her hairs:
@Fourty three thousand and two.
A lady, while dining in crewe,
@Found an elephant's whang in her stew.
@ Said the waiter,"Don't shout
@ Or wave it about
@Or the others will ask for one, too."
A limerick packs laughs anatomical
@Into space that is quite economical.
@ But the good ones I've seen
@ So seldom are clean,
@And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
A loathsome young lady named Lou
@Had titties that hung to her shoe.
@ And her cunt was a wow,
@ For it sagged like a cow,
@And when fucked from behind she would moo.
A lonesome young lover from Crete
@Was so terribly, terribly neat,
@ When dreaming in bed,
@ He stood on his head,
@So goo wouldn't drip on his feet.
A lovely young maid from St. jude
@Once rode through the streets in the nude.
@ The police cried, "Whatam--
@ Agnificent bottom!"
@And slapped it as hard as they cude.
A lusty young maid from Seattle
@Got pleasure by sleeping with cattle;
@ Till she found a bull
@ Who filled her so full
@It made both her ovaries rattle.
A maiden who travelled in France
@Once got on a train, just by chance.
@ The engineer fucked her,
@ The conductor sucked her,
@And the fireman came in his pants.
A man loving maid from Des Moines
@Has a roomful of banknotes and coins,
@ She earned from a hot spot ...
@ We think you know what spot ...
@Where a lot have got caught 'twixt her loins!
A marine being sent to Hong Kong
@Got a doctor to alter his dong.
@ He sailed off with a tool
@ Flat and thin as a rule-
@When he got there he found he was wrong.
A massage parlor pretty named Sands
@Has the magical tough in her hands.
@ When she gives you a rub
@ On the head of you stub,
@'Tisn't long til you empty your glands.
A mathematician named Hall
@Has a hexahedronical ball,
@ And the cube of its weight
@ Times his pecker's plus eight
@Is his phone number - give him a call..
A miserly merchant of Phyffe
@Refused to give joy to his wife.
@ For want of his handle,
@ She poked up a candle
@And called it the light of her life.
A myopic tree surgeon named Lee
@Trapped an agile young wench in a tree.
@ Jeered she, "Shift your whopper,
@ You careless limb lopper!
@That's a moss-covered knothole--not me!"
A new dramatist of the absurd
@Has a voice that will shortly be heard.
@ I learn from My spies
@ He's about to devise
@An unprintable three-letter word.
A nude beaut from Pokeham-on-Groove
@Plays games prudish dudes disapprove,
@ When guys with long peckers
@ Sit down to play checkers,

@"Come jump me!" she cries, "I won't move!"
A paleaontologist, Locke,
@Found a fossilized Jurassic cock.
@ "Is it Tyrannosaurus?
@ It's long, black, and porous-
@And Christ, it's still hard as rock.
A pansy who lived in Khartoum
@Took a lesbian up to his room.
@ They argued all night
@ Over who had the right
@To do what, with which, and to whom.
A pathetic old maid of Bordeaux
@Fell in love with a dashing young beau.
@ To arrest his regard
@ She would squat in his yard
@And longingly pee in the sneaux.
A peculiar old man of Dundee
@Climbed high to the top of a tree.
@ He explained as he rose,
@ "I hate heights, heaven knows,
@But I love a loud splash when I pee!"
A perfectly miraculous new plastic
@Has been used to perfect this prophylactic.
@ So use without fear,
@ It's been tested a year
@On a profligate, satyrite spastic.
A petulant man once said,"Pish!
@Your cunt is as big as a dish."
@ She replied,"Why you fool,
@ With your limp little tool,
@It's like driving a pin with a fish."
A physical fellow named Fisk
@Could screw at a rate very brisk.
@ So fast was his action
@ The Fitzgerald contraction
@Would shrink up his rod to a disk.
A pious young lady of Chichester
@Made all of the saints in their niches stir
@ And each morning at matin
@ Her breast in pink satin
@Made the bishop of chichester's breeches stir.
A potter who lived in Bombay
@Once fashioned a cunt out of clay;
@ But the heat of his prick
@ Kilned the damn thing to brick
@And chafed all his foreskin away.
A pretty young boy known as Kevin
@Was raped in a pasture by seven
@ Lascivious beasts
@ (oh, those anglican priests!)
@And such is the kingdom of heaven.
A pretty young lady named Vogel
@Once sat herself down on a molehill.
@ A curious mole
@ Nosed into her hole-
@Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.
A pretty young maiden from France
@Decided she'd just "Take a chance."
@ She let herself go
@ For an hour or so
@And now all her sisters are aunts.
A princess who lived near a bog
@Met a prince in the form of a frog.
@ Now she and her prince
@ Are the parents of quints,
@Four boys and one fine polliwog.
A princess who reigned in Baroda
@Made her home on a purple pagoda.
@ She festooned the walls
@ Of her halls with the balls
@And the tools of the fools who be-stroda'.
A prize snooker player called Gable
@Was cue-ing his girl on the table.
@ He said: "Pass the chalk,
@ For my balls are in balk,
@But I'll play a screw shot if I'm able."
A progressive professor named Winners
@Held classes each evening for sinners.
@ They were graded and spaced
@ So the vile and debased
@Would not be held back by beginners.
A prolific young mother named Hall
@Who seemed to have triplets each Fall,
@ When asked why and wherefore,
@ Said, "That's what it's there for ...
@Though some screws produce nothing at all."
A remarkable race are the Persians,
@They have such peculiar diversions.
@ They screw the whole day
@ In the regular way,
@And save up the nights for perversions.
A scandal involving an oyster
@Sent the Countess of Clews to a cloister
@ She preferred it, in bed,
@ To the count (so she said)
@'cause its longer and stronger and moister.
A scream from The crypt of St. Giles
@Resounded for miles upon miles.
@ Said the friar,"Good gracious,
@ The brother Ignatious
@Forgeteth the abbot hath piles."
A Second Lieutenant named Lunt
@Goosed the General's wife for a stunt.
@ She screamed, as she shat,
@ "That ain't where it's at!"
@So she shyly returned to the front.
A self-centered sugar named Perkins
@Would work of her urges with gherkins,
@ Until, with a skid,
@ Inside her on slid
@And pickled her internal workin's.
A shapely young lady named Fern
@Puts out and is paid in return.
@ "And my earnings," she said,
@ "I conceal in my bed,
@Since the ads say to save where you earn."
A shiek don't need the wisdom like Solomon
@When he's got a straight shaft like a column on,
@ To perceive what's the score;
@ What his harem's there for;
@Nor what parts of their bodies to ball 'em on.
A silly young man from Hong Kong
@Had hands that were skinny and long.
@ He ate rice with his fingers--
@ The taste of it lingers,
@But now all his fingers are gone.
A sweetheart named Teresa Arden
@Went down on her beau in the garden.
@ He said,"Good lord, tess,
@ Don't swallow that mess!"
@And she replied,"Ulp, beg your pardon?"
A talented girl from Detroit
@Could fuck you in ways quite adroit.
@ She could squeeze her vagina
@ To a pin-point or finer
@Or open it out like a quoit.
A team playing baseball in Dallas
@Called the umpire blind out of malice.
@ While this worthy had fits
@ The team made eight hits
@And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
A teenage protester named Lil
@Cried, "Those watergate spies make me ill!
@ First they bugged our martinis,
@ Our bras and bikinis,
@And now they are bugging the pill."
A trapper named Francois Lefever
@Once captured and buggered a beaver.
@ The result of this fuck
@ Was a three titted duck,
@A canoe, and an irish retriever.
A van-driving hooker named Henna,
@C.B.ing for tricks near Ravenna,
@ Locked professional gears
@ With a Smokey with ears
@And a hyperextended antenna.
A waterlogged lady from Spain
@Went ape over muck, mist and rain.
@ One day in the shower,
@ She came with such power,
@She screwed herself down thru the drain.
A weary old lecher named Blott
@Took a luscious young blond to his yacht.
@ Too lazy to rape her,
@ He made darts out of paper,
@Which he leisurely tossed at her twat.
A whimsical fellow named Bloch
@Could beat the base drum with his cock.
@ With a special erection
@ He could play a selection
@From Johann Sebastian Bach.
A worried young man from Stamboul
@Discovered red spots on his tool.
@ Said the doctor, a cynic,
@ "Get out of my clinic!
@Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool."
A would be well driller named Joel
@Couldn't even locate a dry hole,
@ Until one day he met
@ Fair Yvette ... hers was wet,
@And now Joel is straight with his pole.
A young curate, new to the cloth,
@At persuasion was surely no sloth.
@ He preached fornication
@ To the whole congregation
@And was washed down the aisle in the froth.
A young woman from North Carolina
@Fixed fiddle strings 'cross her vagina
@ Her boyfriend said "Hark!
@ This f__k comes from Bach
@His Toccata and Fugue in D Minor."
According to experts, the oyster
@In its shell - a crustacean cloister -
@ May frequently be
@ Either he or a she
@Or both, if it should be its choice ter.
Adam and Eve were standing by a tree.
@Says Eve to Adam, "Will you eat with me?"
@ Says Adam to Eve, when he'd had a taste,
@ "Let's cover with a fig leaf, or we'll
@Dry out the past!"
An amazon giantess named Dunne
@Let a midget screw her for fun.
@ But the poor little runt
@ Was engulfed in her cunt
@And re-born as the twin of his son.
An ambitious lady named Harriet
@Once dreamed she was raped in a chariot
@ By seventeen sailors
@ A monk and three tailors,
@Mohammed and Judas iscariot.
An architect fellow named Yoric
@Could, when feeling euphoric,
@ Display for selection
@ Three kinds of erection-
@Corinthian, ionic, and doric.
An ardent young man named Magruder
@Once wooed a girl nude in Bermuda.
@ She thought it quite lewd
@ To be wooed in the nude,
@But Magruder was shrewder, he screwed her.
An arrogant wench from Salt Lake
@Liked to tease all the boys on the make.
@ She was finally the prize
@ Of a man twice her size
@And all she recalls is the ache.
An artist who lived in Australia
@Once painted his ass like a dahlia.
@ The drawing was fine,
@ The colour - devine,
@The scent - ah! that was a failia
An erotic Jamaican called Pat
@Used to lie all unclothed on a mat
@ When they said it was rude
@ To lie in the nude
@She replied, "then hand me a hat."
An exotic young lady named Suki
@Once danced in a troupe of Kabuki
@ When asked for a fuck
@ She said, "Solly, no luck--
@See here! looky looky, no nuki!"
An impish young fellow named James
@Had a passion for idiot games.
@ He lighted the hair
@ Of his lady's affair
@And laughed as she pissed through the flames.
An inventor of genius named Moore
@Made himself a mechanical whore
@ But he failed when he wooed her
@ She unscrewed as he screwed her
@And her clit clattered down to the floor.
An old German soldier name Krause
@Kept all kinds of birds in his house,
@ He explained, "They sing schweet,
@ Unt they giff me fresch meat,
@Whilst DER FUEHRER ist FUEHRKING mine spouse!"
Asked a supplicant priest of the pontiff,
@"Do I sin if I do what I want, if
@ I screw a young nun
@ In the eastertide sun?"
@His holiness murmured, "Gut yontiff."
At the darkest hour came the Don,
@When he left, she was pale and JUAN.
@ Her knees were all shaky,
@ Her bosoms were quaky,
@She was glad he had come ... and gone.
At the table, a young man named Zobblett
@Liked to take out his wienie and wobble it.
@ His mother said "Urk!!
@ Use the bathroom, you jerk;
@I don't want that cream in my goblet."
Concerning that bird named the pelican,
@Whose beak'll hold more than his bellican:
@ When in bed with his miss,
@ Does he pucker and kiss?
@We'll be danged if we see how the hellican!
Cried a tall, homely comic named Mutt,
@As he rammed it all up in Jeff's butt,
@ "This isn't quite right,
@ It feels GHAStly tonight!"
@Jeff retorted, "Phart phart, putt-putt-putt."
Cried a voice from the base of the well,
@"If your drink has a sulphurous smell,
@ You can blame ME, old sport,
@ I'm a sprite of a sort;
@Making water's my forte ... ain't it hell?"
Cried an overhung fellow named Bowen,
@"My pecker keeps growin' and growin'
@ It's got so tremendalous
@ So long and so pendulous
@I's no good for pecking ... just showin'!"
Cried exuberant Sheik Fahzee Dik,
@"The E Vitamin has a great kick!
@ My harem brood
@ Are frequently scrood,
@For it pricks up the shtick in my mick!"
Dy from Old Little Rock
@In fidelity took little stock,
@ And deserted her man
@ In the streets of Japan
@For a boy with a prehensile cock.
For the sores on his prick he used dial.
@That failed; he gave lava a trial.
@ But the one remedy
@ For contagious v.d.
@Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial.
God's plan had a great beginning,
@But man spoiled his chances by sinning
@ We trust that the story
@ Will end in god's glory
@But at present the other side's winning
Have you heard about Magda Lupescu,
@Who came to rumania's rescue?
@ It's a wonderful thing
@ To be under a king--
@Is democracy better, I ask you?
Have you heard of those Trollops of Birmingham
@And the scandal that's currently concerning'em?
@ How they lift the frock
@ And tickle the cock
@Of the bishop while he was confirming 'em?
He parked with a girl named Juanita,
@He lured her into the back seat-a.
@ He stuck a hand up
@ Inside her bra cup ...
@And then oh! what he did with his peata!
I asked a young lady named Pott,
@"Why does pinching your tit make you hot?"
@ She answered, "My breast
@Signals down to my nest
@That's going to get what you've got!"
If continence causes neurosis
@And intercourse causes thrombosis
@ I'd rather expire
@ Fulfilling desire
@Than live in a state of psychosis.
Il y avait un jeune homme de dijon,
@Qui n'avait que peu de religion.
@ Il dit:"Quant a' moi,
@ Je deteste tous les trois,
@Le pere, et le fils, et le pigeon-"
In a gay troupe, an actor named Freed
@Was consumed by a cocksucking need.
@ When they found him in bed
@ With the star, the chap said,
@"It's a game where I'm blowing the lead!"
In Duluth there's a hostess, forsooth,
@Who doesn't know gin from Vermouth,
@ But this lubricant lapse
@ Isn't noticed, perhaps
@Because nobody does in Duluth.
In Oz land, the Tin Woodman's mate
@Sighed sadly, "It sure would be great
@ If you made it a point
@ To put oil on your joint,
@Since your screws have been rusty of late."
In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
@Complacently stroking his madam
@ And loud was his mirth
@ For on all of the earth
@There were only two balls and he had'em.
In the Garden of Eden sat Eve and Adam
@He had his hands on the loins of his madam
@ he smiled with mirth
@ cause he knew that on earth
@There were only two nuts, and he had'em
It's easy enough to be happy
@When your bra is a 44-D
@ But the gal worthwhile
@ Can smile and beguile
@With 2 bosoms the size of a pee.
It's easy enough to be happy,
@When fate offers nothing but smiles,
@ But the man worth a pin
@ Is the man who can grin
@While his wife rubs Ben Gay on his piles.
Let v over p be inverted
@With the square root of mu inserted
@ N times into v ...
@ The result, q e d,
@Is a relative!" einstein asserted.
Loosey's mad and I'm glad
@And I know what'll cheer her:
@ Greasy goo to make it slick,
@ Icky glue to make it stick,
@And a big thick mick to smear her!
Oh pity the prince, Montezuma!
@He tried to make love to a puma.
@ Seems the puma, in play,
@ Tore his testes away -
@- an example of animal huma.
On a cannibal isle near Malaysia
@Lives a lady they call Anastasia.
@ Not russian elite-
@ She's eager to eat
@Whatever or whoever lays her.
On a ship wrecked far out at sea,
@The girl said,"I can't seem to pee."
@ "Aha!" said the mate,
@ "That settles the fate
@Of the captain, the pilot, and me."
On the breasts of a harlot from Yale
@Was tatooed the price of her tail
@ And on her behind,
@ For the sake of the blind,
@Was the same information in braille.
On the day that she turned sweet sixteen,
@To Karl's barracks went Lili Marlene.
@ To receive her first kiss,
@ And a few moment's bliss,
@And do this, if you know what I mean.
On the porch of a dude named Horatio,
@His girl got a yen for fellatio.
@ As she sucked on his dingus
@ He tried cunnilingus
@But the cops ran 'em off of that patio.
One evening a guru had coitus
@With an actress, a whore and a poetess.
@ When asked what position
@ He used for coition,
@He answered serenely, "The loetus."
Poor Flora Lenore from Devore
@Forswore: "I'll sell armor no more!
@ The reason is simple,
@ Inside I've a pimple,
@Which gets sore to the core when I whore!"
Said a bright young mechanic named Butts,
@"My machine is equipped with two nuts.
@ And those nuts are not dumb,
@ When I ask them to come,
@They'll get moving and plum strain my guts!"
Said a noonlighting housewife in Goshen:
@"There are service-club guys with a notion!
@ When the luncheon is through,
@ And I'm game for a screw,
@What I like is a Rotary Motion!"
Said a nympho, "I find that each suitor,
@For my needs is no better than neuter.
@ Now my passion's fulfilled-
@ Though I just may get killed-
@By a large, well-equipped Roto-Rooter.
Said a pornographistic young poet
@"Although I perhaps do not show it,
@ My interest in sin
@ Is wearing quite thin,
@And i'll soon tell those fuckers to stow it."
Said a post-Civil War belle named Gwen:
@"In defeat, Johnny Rebs lost their yen
@ To impale Dixie tail,
@ Since impalers would fail--
@But the South, suh, is rising again!"
Said Confucius, the canny old Mandarin,
@"There's a subject I wish to use candor in:

@ The geese in Peking
@ Are steeped in sin ...
@They'd as soon let a man as a gander in."
Said Einstein,"I have an equation
@Which to some may seem rabelaisian:
@ Let v be virginity
@ Approaching infinity;
@Let p be a constant persuasion;
Said Miss Nietzche one day to her brother,
@"In our family, there'll soon be another.
@ To this baby, I grant,
@ I'll be Mom ... also aunt,
@Because you are its father ... you MOTHER!"
Said Mom to her son .. she was HOT,
@"What you're doing is wrong, you young snot!
@ You're getting too big
@ For a five-finger frig ...
@Why don't you go see your Aunt Doc?"
Said Mosquito to Gnat, "Dear insect,
@I've an inch when it's fully erect."
@ "Bug off, sir," cried she,
@ "That's too much for me!
@Find someone your size to dissect."
Said Tex to Miss Mex, with a laugh,
@"In length, I've got twelve and a half,
@ If you say you've had better,
@ In front of your setter,
@I'll stay home and stick to my calf!"
Said the nun as the bishop withdrew,
@"This must be our final adieu,
@ For the vicar is slicker,
@ And thicker, and quicker,
@And two inches longer than you."
Said the sailor to his quail,with a grin,
@"Can you walk a little way, with it in?"
@ She answered with a smile,
@ "I can jog a fuggin mile,
@That's the only way to go, with it in!"
Said two over-priced pants-selling bitches,
@"You can make quite a lot off men's twitches.
@ If it wasn't for tax,
@ We could lay on our bax,
@And plumb fill up our crax with the riches."
She begged and she pleaded for more.
@I said,"We've already had four,
@ And I'm sure that you've heard,
@ Though its somewhat absurd,
@That eros spelt backwards is sore."
She was sweet, neat, petite and demure,
@And she teased more than Pete could endure.
@ When he asked for her cherry,
@ She replied, "Will you marry?"
@Pete snapped, "Yes, but not YOU, I am sure!"
She wasn't what one could call pretty
@And other girls offered her pity,
@ So nobody guessed
@ That her wasserman test
@Involved half the men in the city.
Sighed a sensitive condom named Ron
@"I'm put off by the trick and the con:
@ And the ads haven't fibbed
@ In their saying I'm ribbed--
@There's a Scot who keeps putting me on!"
So well stacked was a freshman named Brenda
@That the studs yearned to part her pudenda.
@ So they all were irate
@ When her first campus date
@Wasn't Tom, Dick, or Harry--but Glenda!
That naughty old sappho of Greece
@Said:"What I prefer to a piece
@ Is to have my pudenda
@ Rubbed hard by the enda
@The little pink nose of my niece."
That rascally rascal, Rasputin,
@His roe he was frequently shootin',
@ Till he married a lass,
@ With a face like an ass,
@And a quim you could put a top boot in.
The acrobats - tom and louise-
@Do an act in the nude on their knees.
@ They crawl down the aisle
@ While screwing dog-style,
@As the orchestra plays Kilmer's"Trees."
The blizzard blew in with a rage;
@Being snow-bound, we chose to engage
@ In a famous old sport
@ Which, I'm pleased to report,
@Just like wine ... it gets better with age!"
The bride of a farmer named Baker
@Was poked in her pew by a Quaker.
@ The Quaker cried, "What!
@ Does thee call this a twat?
@Why, thy entrance is more than an acre!"
The cabin boy was chipper,
@A dandy little nipper
@ He shoved cracked glass
@ Inside his ass
@And circumcised the skipper
The captain of the Lugger
@Was known as a filthy bugger
@ Declared unfit
@ To shovel shit
@From one ship to another
The captain's wife was Charlotte,
@Born and bred a harlot
@ Her thighs at night
@ Were lily white
@By morning they were scarlet
The captain's youngest daughter
@Slipped into the water
@ Her plaintive squeals
@ Announced that eels
@Had found her sexual quarter
The cruelest of creatures' the crab
@With claws that can pinch you or stab,
@ And then when you dine
@ On crab and white wine
@It gets you as well with the tab.
The first mate's name was Cooper,
@By god he was a trooper
@ He jerked and jerked
@ Until he worked
@Himself into a stupor
The fun fur of Madame De Breeze
@Hung plumb to the caps of her knees.
@ A crab on a dare
@ Tied knots in her hair
@Thus inventing the flying trapeze.
The Kings of Peru were the Incas,
@Who were known far and wide as great drincas.
@ They worshipped the sun
@ And had lots of fun,
@But the peasants all thought they were stincas.
The lewd thoughts and complexes one finds
@In even the higher-type minds
@ Are a thing for dismay-
@ Can it be that today
@All we think of are tits and behinds?
The Limerick packs laughs anatomical
@In a space that is not astronomical.
@ The clean ones we've heard
@ Are not worth a turd-
@It's the "dirties" that stiffen your barnacle!
The new cinematic emporium
@Is not just a super-sensorium,
@ But a highly effectual
@ Heterosexual
@Mutual masturbatorium.
The old archeologist, Throstle,
@Discovered a marvelous fossil.
@ He knew from Its bend
@ And the knot on the end,
@T'was the penis of paul the apostle.
The parents of Fannie Mae Foster
@Were sadly afraid they had lost her,
@ Until, in the grass,
@ They found prints of her ass,
@And wet sperm, where some worm laid across her.
The push-button vaginal spray
@That ladies are using today ...
@ With just a few squirts,
@ Come on just like Certs,
@And makes like the flowers in May!
@ The Romans had great, spacious halls,
@In which they had sexual brawls,
@ Which would last, so they say,
@ For a week and a day ...,
@There's no doubt that those Latins had BALLS.
The sexual desires of the camel are greater than anyone thinks.
@Why once in a moment of passion one tried to deflower the Sphinx
@ Now the Sphinx's posterior orifice is clogged with the sands of the nile
@ causing the hump on the camel's back and the Sphinx's inscrutable smile
@And that is why everyone thinks the Sphinx is a jenx.
The ship's dog's name was Rover,
@They turned the poor beast over
@ And ground and ground
@ That faithful hound
@From Tenerief to Dover
The stork is a nosey old bird,
@Inhabitating all sorts of districts.
@ He doesn't yield plumes
@ Or exotic perfumes,
@But he fills out the vital statistics.
There are female police in our nation
@Who play house with the guys at the station;
@ Which is saying, of course,
@ That they screw with the force--
@After all, folks, the term's copulation.
There once was a bishop from Birmingham
@Who deflowered young girls while confirming 'em.
@ As they knelt on the hassock
@ He lifted his cassock
@And slipped his episcopal worm in 'em.
There once was a couple named Kelly
@Who walked around belly-to-belly.
@ It seems in their haste,
@ They used Carter's paste
@Instead of petroleum jelly.
There once was a fellow named Bob
@Who in sexual ways was a snob.
@ One day he was swimmin'
@ With twelve naked women
@And deserted them all for a gob.
There once was a fellow named Brewster
@Who said to his wife, as he goosed her,
@ "It used to be grand
@ But look at my hand!
@You're not wiping as clean as ya uster."
There once was a fellow named Potts
@Who was prone to having the trots
@ But his humble abode
@ Was without a commode
@So his carpet was covered with spots.
There once was a fellow named Sweeney
@Who spilled gin all over his weenie.
@ Not being uncouth,
@ He added vermouth
@ And slipped his amour a martini.
There once was a gangster named Brown
@- the sneakiest bastard in town.
@ He was caught by g-men
@ Shooting his semen
@Where the cops would slip and fall down.
There once was a girl from Madras
@Who had such a beautiful ass -
@ It was not round and pink
@ (as you bastards think)
@But had two ears, a tail, and ate grass.
There once was a girl named Priscilla
@Whose vagina was flavored vanilla.
@ The taste was so fine
@ Man and beast stood in line
@(including a stud armadilla).
There once was a horny old bitch
@With a motorized self-frigger which
@ She would use with delight
@ All day long and all night -
@Twenty bucks: abercrombie fitch.
There once was a lady named Myrtle
@Who had an affair with a turtle.
@ She had crabs, so they say,
@ In a year and a day
@Which proved that that turtle was fertile.
There once was a maid from Mobile
@Whose cunt was made of blue steel.
@ She only got thrills
@ From Pneumatic drills
@And an off-centered emery wheel.
There once was a man from Sandem
@Who was making his girl on a tandem.
@ At the peak of the make
@ She jammed on the brake
@And scattered his semen at random.
There once was a man with a hernia
@Who said to his doctor,"Gol dern ya,
@ When you work on my middle
@ Be sure you don't fiddle
@With things that do not concern ya."
There once was a monk of Camyre
@Who was seized with a carnal desire
@ And the primary cause
@ Was the abbess's drawers
@Which were hung up to dry by the fire.
There was a gay countess of Bray,
@And you may think it odd when I say,
@ That in spite of high station,
@ - rank and education,
@She always spelled cunt with a 'k'.
There was a man from Mich.
@Who used to wish and wich.
@ That spring would come
@ So he could bum
@Around and go out fich.
There was a poor parson from Goring,
@Who made a small hole in his flooring,
@ Fur-lined it all round,
@ Then laid on the ground,
@And declared it was cheaper than whoring.
There was a rabbit named Hank
@Who had an affair with a tank
@ his ardor was futile
@ the results were quite brutal
@As his balls hit the floor with a clank
There was a young cook with the art
@Of making a delicious tart
@ With a handful of shit,
@ Some snot and some spit,
@And he'd flavor the whole with a fart.
There was a young fellow called Clyde
@Who fell in an outhouse and died.
@ He had a twin brother
@ Who fell in another
@So now they're interred side by side.
There was a young fellow from Frisco
@Who greased up his organ with Crisco.
@ But such was the heat
@ When he wielded his meat,
@That his children were made of Nabisco.
There was a young fellow from Kent
@Whose cock was so long that it bent
@ To save himself trouble
@ He put it in double
@And instead of coming, he went.
There was a young fellow named Brewer
@Whose girl made her home in a sewer.
@ Thus he, the poor soul,
@ Could get into her hole,
@And still not be able to screw her.
There was a young fellow named Feeney
@Whose girl was a terrible meany.
@ The hatch of her snatch
@ Had a catch that would latch
@-she could only be screwed by Houdini.
There was a young fellow named Grant
@Who was made like the sensitive plant.
@ When they asked "Do you fuck?"
@ He replied, "No such luck.
@I would if I could, but I can't."
There was a young fellow named Hatch
@Who was fond of the music of Bach.
@ He said:"It's not fussy
@ Like Brahms and Debussy;
@Sit down, and I'll play you a snatch."
There was a young gaucho named Bruno
@Who said, "There is one thing I do know,
@ Women are fine
@ And children devine,
@But the llama is numero uno."
There was a young girl from Decatur
@Who was raped by an alligator.
@ But no one quite knew
@ How she relished that screw,
@For after he screwed her, he ate her.
There was a young girl from Dumfries
@Who said to her lover "Oh please,
@ You would heighten my bliss
@ If you played more with this
@And paid less attention to these.
There was a young girl from East Lynn
@Whose mother (to save her from Sin)
@ Had filled up her crack
@ With hard-setting shellac,
@But the boys picked it out with a pin.
There was a young girl from New York
@Who plugged up her quim with a cork
@ A woodpecker or two
@ Made the grade, it is true,
@But it totally baffled the stork.
There was a young girl from Peru,
@Who noticed her lovers were few;
@ So she walked out her door
@ With a fig leaf, no more,
@And now she's in bed - with the flu.
There was a young girl from Samoa
@Who pledged that no man would know her.
@ One young fellow tried,
@ But she wriggled aside,
@And he spilled all his spermatozoa.
There was a young girl from St. Paul
@Who went to a newspaper ball.
@ Her dress caught on fire
@ And burnt her entire
@Front page and sport section and all.
There was a young girl named Saphire
@Who succumbed to her lovers desire.
@ She said,"It's a sin,
@ But now that it's in,
@Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
There was a young girl of Asturias,
@Whose temper was frantic and furious.
@ She used to cut pharts
@ On her male's private parts ...
@A habit unpleasant, but curious.
There was a young girl of Spitzbergen,
@Whose people all thought her a virgin,
@ Till they found her in bed
@ With her twat very red,
@And the head of a kid just emergin'.
There was a young girl who begat
@Three babies named Nat, pat and tat.
@ T'was fun in the breeding
@ But hell in the feeding
@When she found there's no tit for tat.
There was a young harlot from Kew
@Who filled her vagina with glue.
@ She said with a grin,
@ "If they pay to get in,
@They'll pay to get out of it too."
There was a young lad - name of durcan
@Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
@ His father said,"Durcan!
@ Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
@Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
There was a young lady at sea
@Who complained that it hurt her to pee.
@ Said the brawny old mate,
@ "That accounts for the state
@Of the cook and the captain and me."
There was a young lady from Cheam
@Who tried out a breast growing cream
@ She awoke in the night
@ with a terrible fright
@Another had grown in between.
There was a young lady from Exeter,
@So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
@ One was even so brave
@ As to take out and wave
@The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
There was a young lady from Munich
@Who had an affair with a eunuch.
@ At the height of their passion
@ He dealt her a ration
@From a squirt gun concealed in his tunic.
There was a young lady from Norway
@Who hung by her heels in a doorway.
@ She told her young man,
@ "Get off the divan,
@I think I've discovered one more way!"
There was a young lady from Rheims
@Who amazingly pissed in four streams.
@ A friend poked around
@ And a fly-button found
@Lodged tight in her hole so it seems.
There was a young lady from Rio
@Who slept with the fornier trio.
@ As she dropped her panties
@ She said,"No andanties!
@I want this allegro con brio."
There was a young lady from Siam
@Who said to her lover, one Kiam,
@ "You may kiss me of course,
@ But you'll have to use force.
@Though god knows you're stronger than I am."
There was a young lady from Spain
@Who got sick as she rode on a train;
@ Not once, but again,
@ And again, and again,
@And again, and again, and again.
There was a young lady from Wheeling
@Who claimed to lack sexual feeling.
@ But a cynic named Boris
@ Just touched her clitoris
@And she had to be scraped off the ceiling.
There was a young lady from Wheeling
@Who had a peculiar feeling.
@ She laid on her back
@ And tickled her crack
@And pissed all over the ceiling.
There was a young lady from Wooster
@Who complained that too many men gooster.
@ So she traded her scanties
@ For sandpaper panties,
@Now they goose her much less than they used 'ter.
There was a young lady named Alice
@Who was known to have peed in a chalice.
@ 'twas the common belief
@ It was done for relief,
@And not out of protestant malice.
There was a young lady named Bright
@Who could travel much faster than light.
@ She took off one day,
@ In a relative way,
@And returned on the previous night.
There was a young lady named Cager
@Who, as the result of a wager,
@ Consented to fart
@ The entire oboe part
@Of Mozart's quartet in F major.
There was a young lady named Ciss
@Who said,"I think skating's a bliss!"
@ But she'll never restate,
@ For a wheel off her skate
@.siht ekil gnihtemos pu hsinif reh edam
There was a young lady named Grace,
@Who had eyes in a very odd place.
@ She could sit on a hole
@ Of a mouse or a mole,
@And stare the beast square in the face.
There was a young lady named Nelly
@Whose tits would jiggle like jelly.
@ They could tickle her twat
@ Or be tied in a knot,
@And could even swat flies on her belly.
There was a young lady named Ransom
@Who was raped three times in a hansom
@ When she cried out for more
@ Said a voice from the floor,
@"My name, ma'am, is Simpson, not Samson!
There was a young lady named Rose
@With erogenous zones in her toes.
@ She remained onanistic
@ Till a foot-fetishistic
@Young man became one of her beaux.
There was a young lady named Wylde
@Who kept herself quite undefiled
@ By thinking of Jesus;
@ Contagious diseases;
@And the bother of having a child.
There was a young lady of Gaza
@Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor.
@ The crabs, in a lump,
@ Made tracks to her rump -
@This passing parade did amaze her.
There was a young lass from Surat.
@The cheeks of her ass were so fat
@ That they had to be parted
@ Whenever she farted,
@And also whenever she shat.
There was a young maiden named Hoople
@Whose bosom was triple, not duple.
@ She had one tit removed,
@ But it grew back improved:
@At present Miss Hoople's quadruple.
There was a young man from Bear ridge
@Who had strange ideas about marriage.
@ He fucked his wife's mother
@ And sucked off her brother
@And ate up her sister's miscarriage.
There was a young man from Bel-aire
@Who was screwing his girl on the stair.
@ But the banister broke
@ So he doubled his stroke
@And finished her off in mid-air.
There was a young man from Bengal
@Who claimed he had only one ball,
@ But two little bitches
@ Pulled down this man's breeches
@And proved he had nothing at all.
There was a young man from Boston
@Who rode around in an austin.
@ There was room for his ass
@ And a gallon of gas,
@But his balls hung out and he lost 'em.
There was a young man from Dundee
@Who buggered an ape in a tree.
@ The results were quite horrid:
@ All ass and no forehead,
@Three balls and a purple goatee.
There was a young man from Nantucket
@Whose cock was so long he could suck it.
@ He said with a grin,
@ While wiping his chin,
@"If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it."
There was a young man from Racine
@Who invented a fucking machine.
@ Concave or convex,
@ It served either sex,
@But oh what a bitch to keep cleen.
There was a young man from Rangoon
@Who used to lament 'neath the moon
@ That he had the luck
@ To be born of a fuck
@That was scraped off the sheets with a spoon.
There was a young man from St .Paul's
@Who read "Harper's bazaar" and "Mccall's"
@ Till he grew such a passion
@ For feminine fashion
@That he knitted a snood for his balls.
There was a young man from Tibet
@And this is the strangest one yet.
@ Whose tool was so long,
@ So pointed and strong,
@He could bugger six greeks "En brochette".
There was a young man in Havana,
@-banged his girl on a player-piana.
@ At the height of their fever
@ Her ass hit the lever -
@And: yes! he has no banana!
There was a young man named Knute
@Who had warts all over his root.
@ He put acid on these
@ And now when he pees,
@He fingers the thing like a flute.
There was a young man named Laplace
@Whose balls were made out of spun glass.
@ When they banged together
@ They played "Stormy weather"
@And lightning shot out of his ass.
There was a young man named Rex
@Who really was small for his sex.
@ When tried for exposure
@ The judge's disclosure
@Was "De minimus non curat lex."
There was a young man of Bombay
@Who buggered his dad once a day.
@ He said, "I like, rather,
@ Fucking my father --
@He's clean, and there's nothing to pay."
There was a young man of Calcutta,
@Who tried to write "Cunt" On a shutter.
@ When he got to c-u,
@ A pious hindoo
@Knocked him ass-over-head in the gutter.
There was a young man of Devizes,
@Whose balls were of different sizes.
@ One was so small,
@ It was nothing at all;
@The other took numerous prizes.
There was a young man of Lake Placid
@Whose prick was lethargic and flaccid.
@ When he wanted to sport
@ He would have to resort
@To injections of sulphuric acid.
There was a young monk from Siberia
@Whose life got drearia' and drearia'
@ Till he did to a nun
@ What shouldn't be done
@And made her a mother superia'.
There was a young monk of Dundee
@Who complained that it hurt him to pee,
@ He said, "Pax vobiscum,
@ Now why won't the piss come?
@I'm afraid I've the c-l-a-p."
There was a young plumber named Lee
@Who was plumbing his girl by the sea.
@ She said,"Stop your plumbing,
@ There's somebody coming!"
@Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me!"
There was a young poet named Dan,
@Whose poetry never would scan.
@ When told this was so,
@ He said,"Yes, I know,
@It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that
@Last line that I can."
There was a young royal marine,
@Who tried to fart "God save the queen".
@ When he reached the soprano
@ Out came only guano
@And his britches weren't fit to be seen.
There was a young sailor from Brighton
@Who said to his bird,"You're a tight'un."
@ She replied,"Pon my soul,
@ You're in the wrong hole!
@There's plenty of room in the right'un."
There was a young woman of cheadle,
@Who once gave the clap to a beadle.
@ Said she,"Does it itch?"
@ "It does, you damned bitch,
@And it burns like hell-fire when I peedle."
There was a young woman, quite handsome,
@Who got stuck in a sleeping room transom.
@ When she offered much gold
@ For release, she was told
@That the view was worth more than the ransom.
There was an old bishop from Buckingham
@Who fell in love with some oysters while shucking 'em.
@ His wife with distain
@ Could scarcely restrain
@That sprightly old bishop from
@* * *.
There was an old count of Swoboda
@Who would not pay a whore what he owed her.
@ So, with great savoir-faire,
@ She stood on a chair
@And pissed in his whiskey-and-soda.
There was an old fellow and what do you think?
@He lived on the cheese that he scraped from his dink.
@ He whacked it, he hacked it,
@ He ate it with glee-
@Was there ever a fellow so happy as he?
There was an old hermit named Dave
@Who kept a dead whore in his cave.
@ He said "I'll admit
@ I'm a bit of a shit,
@But look at the money I save."
There was an old lady of Glascow,
@Whose party proved quite a fiasco.
@ At nine-thirty, about,
@ The lights all went out,
@Through a lapse on the part of the Gas co.
There was an old maid from Cape cod
@Who thought all good things came from God.
@ But it wasn't the almighty
@ Who lifted her nighty,
@It was Roger, the lodger, by god.
There was an old man from Bengal
@Who liked to do tricks in the hall.
@ His favorite trick
@ Was to stand on his dick
@While he rolled around on one ball.
There was an old man from Duluth
@Whose cock was shot off in his youth.
@ He fucked with his nose
@ Or his fingers and toes
@And he came thru a hole in his tooth.
There was an old man of Connaught
@Whose prick was remarkably short.
@ When he got into bed,
@ The old woman said,
@"This isn't a prick, it's a wart!"
There was an old man of Hong Kong
@Who never did anything wrong.
@ He would lie on his back
@ With his head in a sack
@And secretly finger his dong.
There was an old person of Ware
@Who had an affair with a bear.
@ He explained, "I don't mind,
@ For it's gentle and kind,
@But I wish it had slightly less hair."
There was an old pirate named Bates
@Who was learning to rhumba on skates
@ He fell on his cutlass
@ Which rendered him nutless
@And practically useless on dates.
There was an old whore from Silesia
@Who'd croke:"If my box doesn't please ya,
@ For a slight extra sum
@ You can go up my bum
@But watchout or my tapeworm'll seize ya."
There was an old whore in the Azores
@Whose body was covered with festersous sores.
@ Why the dogs in the street
@ Wouldn't eat the green meat
@That hung in festoons from Her drawers.
There was an old whore of Van Nuys,
@Whose prices rose high as the skies.
@ She said, "In my prime,
@ It would go for a dime,
@But for now ... when it's five times the size!"
There were two Polish girls from Mileetus,
@Who said, "We wear gadgets that treat us,
@ When strapped on the thigh,
@ Up cosy and high,
@To constant, convenient coitus.
There's a starlet who's still in her teens
@Who's adept at removing her jeans.
@ And in X-rated flicks
@ So accomplished with pricks
@That she steals all the pictures' obscenes.
There's an Allen who lives in La Salle
@With a dream that inflates his morale:
@ It's a dollar a gallon
@ At the gas pump for Allen--
@But there's ass at a dollar a gal!
There's an oversexed lady named Whyte
@Who insists on a dozen a night.
@ A fellow named cheddar
@ Had the brashness to wed her-
@His chance of survival is slight.
Those geisha who live in Japan
@Exist just for pleasing a man.
@ They give you fellatio
@ As you lay on their patio,
@And muffle their farts with a fan.
To his bride, said the sharp eyed detective,
@"Can it be that my eyesight's defective?
@ Is your east tit the least bit
@ The best of your west tit,
@Or is it a trick of perspective?"
To succeed in the brothels at Derner,
@A young harlot begins as a learner.
@ Indentured at six,
@ As a greaser of prix,
@She may rise to be fitter and turner.
Two eager young men from Cawnpore
@Once buggared and fucked the same whore.
@ But her partition split
@ And the blood and the shit
@Rolled out in a mess on the floor.
Unbra'd in her T-shirt, Miss Young
@Caused antilib cads to give tongue...
@ And 'twas off she'd get pissed
@ When a chauvinist hissed,
@"You are certainly, lady, well hung!"
Vee was a young lady from Spain
@Who demurely undressed on a train.
@ A helpful young porter
@ Helped more than he orter,
@And she promptly cried,"Help me again!"
We find it quite hard to believe
@The ways that a girl will deceive.
@ Though burning with urgin',
@ She claims to be virgin,
@ And refuses to give or receive.
We found out what started the rumors
@That Peg is peegee or has tumors.
@ The bulge is a midget
@ Who creeps up to fidget
@His digit, inside her loose bloomers.
We know an old gal from Decatur,
@With an ass like a ripe red tomater
@ She'll roll in the weeds
@ While you get off your seeds
@And that's why us fellers all date her.
We recall with the fondest of ease
@The front aperture of Louise.
@ Tho shaped like a funnel,
@ 'Twas large as a tunnel
@With a space for a flying trapeze.
We sailed on the good ship Venus,
@My god, you should have seen us
@ With a figurehead
@ Of a whore in bed
@And the mast an upright penis
Well buggered was a boy named Delpasse
@By all of the lads in his class
@ He said, with a yawn,
@ "Now the novelty's gone
@And it's only a pain in the ass."
Well versed on computers is Peter
@And what fellow's script is neater?
@ His jokes on file
@ Most people revile
@Though they score on the Peter meter.
What with female Marines, Sergeant Trilling
@Finds his life in the Corps more fulfilling.
@ In the daytime, his skill
@ In close-order drill,
@While at night, it's in close-ardor drilling!
When a dame eyes the seat of her pense,
@And discovers she's late for her mense,
@ With frequent O HECK's,
@ She yens for Kotex,
@And curses the gent ... or the gents.
When Tex gets his hands on his stub,
@He will jack it and hack it and rub,
@ Until, when he's through,
@ It's as big as your shoe,
@And the glue fills a number three tub.
While Titian was mixing rose madder
@His model ascended the ladder
@ Her position to Titian
@ Suggested coition
@So he mounted the ladder and had her
You can have all your super-assed lasses;
@A babe with Big Tits gets my passes.
@ For a big, bouncy bust
@ Stirs man's animal lust-
@Big asses are just for the masses.
You'd feel physically finer than glass,
@If you'd eat every day some dry grass.
@ Tho' the flavor is foul,
@ Stiff straws scrape your bow'l
@Sweeping every last crumb through you ass.
Young Raymond was careless, they say,
@In planning his rolls in the hay;
@ For his last bedded doll
@ Was a Mob capo's moll--
@The result was...some holes in the Ray!
Hi there.
Good reasons why Beer is better than a woman:
@ 1. You can enjoy a Beer all month long.
Good reasons why Beer is better than a woman:
@ 2. Beer stains wash out.
Good reasons why Beer is better than a woman:
@ 3. You don't have to wine and dine Beer.
Good reasons why Beer is better than a woman:
@ 4. Your beer will always wait patiently in the car while you play football.
Good reasons why Beer is better than a woman:
@ 5. When your Beer goes flat, you toss it out.
Good reasons why Beer is better than a woman:
@ 6. Beer is never late.
Good reasons why Beer is better than a woman:
@ 7. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another Beer.
Good reasons why Beer is better than a woman:
@ 8. Hangovers go away.
Good reasons why Beer is better than a woman:
@ 9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
Good reasons why Beer is better than a woman:
@ 10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a Beer.
Good reasons why Beer is better than a woman:
@ 11. Beer never has a headache.
Good reasons why Beer is better than a woman:
@ 12. After you've had a Beer, the bottle is still worth 5 cents.
Good reasons why Beer is better than a woman:
@ 13. A Beer won't get upset if you come home with another Beer.
Good reasons why Beer is better than a woman:
@ 14. If you pour a Beer right, you'll always get good head.
Good reasons why Beer is better than a woman:
@ 15. A Beer always goes down easy.
Good reasons why Beer is better than a woman:
@ 16. You can have more than one Beer in a night, and not feel guilty.
Good reasons why Beer is better than a woman:
@ 17. You can share a Beer with your friends.
Good reasons why Beer is better than a woman:
@ 18. You always know when you're the first one to pop a Beer.
Good reasons why Beer is better than a woman:
@ 19. Beer is always wet.
Good reasons why Beer is better than a woman:
@ 20. Beer doesn't demand equality.
Good reasons why Beer is better than a woman:
@ 21. You can have a Beer in public.
Good reasons why Beer is better than a woman:
@ 22. A Beer doesn't care when you come.
Good reasons why Beer is better than a woman:
@ 23. A frigid Beer is a good Beer.
Good reasons why Beer is better than a woman:
@ 24. If you change Beers, you don't have to pay alimony.
Good reasons why Beer is better than a woman:
@ 25. You don't have to wash a Beer before it tastes good.
Good reasons why Beer is better than a woman:
@ 26. You can't catch social diseases from a Beer.
Good reasons why Beer is better than a woman:
@ 27. When you're interrupted by a Beer, it's for a good reason.
Good reasons why Beer is better than a woman:
@ 28. A Beer is always satisfying.
Good reasons why Beer is better than a woman:
@ 29. A Beer gets lighter the longer you hold it.
Good reasons why Beer is better than a woman:
@ 30. A Beer won't tell you it's pregnant for fun.
Good reasons why Beer is better than a woman:
@ 31. A Beer doesn't have in-laws.
Good reasons why Beer is better than a woman:
@ 32. No matter what the package, a Beer still looks good.
Good reasons why Beer is better than a woman:
@ 33. To cool off a Beer, all you have to do is put it in the ice box.
Good reasons why Beer is better than a woman:
@ 34. All you have to do to get over a Beer is take a leak.
Good reasons why Beer is better than a woman:
@ 35. Beer doesn't complain about farting.
Good reasons why Beer is better than a woman:
@ 36. The only thing a Beer tells you is when it's time to go to the bathroom.
Good reasons why Beer is better than a woman:
@ 37. You are never embarrased about the beer you bring to a party.
Good reasons why Beer is better than a woman:
@ 38. It's okay to leave a party with a different Beer than you arrived with.
Good reasons why Beer is better than a woman:
@ 39. Beer won't drive you to drink.
Good reasons why Beer is better than a woman:
@ 40. You can shoot a Beer.
Good reasons why Beer is better than a woman:
@ 41. A Beer chaser is easy to catch.
Good reasons why Beer is better than a woman:
@ 42. You don't need a license to live with a Beer.
Good reasons why Beer is better than a woman:
@ 43. A tree is good enough for a Beer.
Good reasons why Beer is better than a woman:
@ 44. Beer doesn't grow hair where it shouldn't.
Good reasons why Beer is better than a woman:
@ 45. Beer doesn't care how much you earn.
Good reasons why Beer is better than a woman:
@ 46. Beer and Ice don't mix.
Good reasons why Beer is better than a woman:
@ 47. Beer won't complain about your choice of vacation.
Good reasons why Beer is better than a woman:
@ 48. Beer doesn't care if you go to sleep right after you've had it.
Good reasons why Beer is better than a woman:
@ 49. Beer is happy to ride in the trunk of your car.
Good reasons why Beer is better than a woman:
@ 50. You never have to promise to respect a Beer in the morning.
Good reasons why Beer is better than a woman:
@ 51. Beer never complains about the wet spot.
Good reasons why Beer is better than a woman:
@ 52. You can put all your old Beers in one room, and they won't fight.
Rien ne que beau le vrai, le vrai seul est aimable.
I don't listen to weakies!
@ -Bobby Fischer
I don't want to be immortal through my works;
@I want to be immortal through not dying.
@ -Woody Allen
A man is only as good as the tool he uses.
The marvels of today's modern technology
@include the development of a soda can, which when
@discarded will last forever...and a $7,000 car which
@when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years.
Heisenberg may have been here but it is uncertain.
Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Turn off the computer and go to bed.
The next system crash is just a 1/60 of a second away.
Je cherche ˆ comprendre.
@ -Jacques Monod
Seek simplicity, and distrust it.
God ever arithmetizes.
Back off, buddy. I'm a scientist.
Chess is a sea in which a gnat may drink and an elephant may bathe.
Difficulties mastered are opportunities won.
Great spirits have always encountered
@violent opposition from mediocre minds.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.
Life is a journey, not a destination.
Give me the right word and the right accent and I will move the world.
@ -Joseph Conrad
Trifles make perfection, but perfection itself is no trifle.
Nothing is particularly hard if you divide it into small jobs.
He who rides a tiger cannot dismount.
Consider nothing as impossible before it has come to pass.
Don't ignore details. Lick them.
Problems are the price of progress.
There is always one moment when the door opens and lets the future in.
It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers.
Time is the devourer of all things.
"Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
@I don't wonder what you are
@For by spectroscopic ken
@I know that you are hydrogen."
@ -Author unknown
The human animal differs from the lesser primates
@in his passion for lists of "Ten Best".
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality,
@they are not certain; and as far as they are certain,
@they do not refer to reality.
@ - Albert Einstein
Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education.
@ -- Mark Twain
Weiner's Law of Libraries:
@There are no answers, only cross references.
When two people are under the influence of the
@most violent, most insane, most delusive,
@and most transient of passions, they are
@required to swear that they will remain in that excited,
@abnormal, and exhausting condition
@continuously until death do them part.
@ -- George Bernard Shaw
"Why is that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral?
@Is it because we are not the one involved?"
@ -Mark Twain
"Woe is the isolationist who tries to turn the cogs of his own engine
@while ignoring the machinations about him."
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
@you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
@ -- Mark Twain
Principle of Conservation of Ignorance:
@A false notion once arrived at is not easily dislodged.
@ -- Georg Cantor
Principle of Maximum Simplicity:
@Everything should be made as simple as possible--but no simpler.
@ -- Albert Einstein
Principle of Dynamic Queuing Theory:
@The other line always moves faster.
Principle of State Queuing Theory:
@The other line is always shorter.
There was a young fellow named Fisk
@Whose fencing was agile and brisk,
@So fast was his action
@The Fitzgerald contraction
@Diminished his sword to a disk.
If a thing is not worth doing, it is not worth doing well.
Chess, like love, like music, has the power to make men happy.
@ -- S. Tarrasch
Men and nations will act rationally when
@all other possiblities have been exhausted.
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
@ -- Mae West
One good reason why computers can do more work than people is
@that they never have to stop and answer the phone.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains,
@because the average man can see better than he can think.
On the heights it is warmer than one thinks in the valleys.
Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from
@barbarism to decadence without touching civilization.
@ -- John O'Hara
By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.
Words must be weighed, not counted.
Some men are discovered; others are found out.
Your mind understands what you have been taught;
@your heart, what is true.
Creditors have much better memories than debtors.
You shouldn't try to teach a pig to sing.
@You waste your time and it annoys the pig.
He who invents adages for others to peruse takes
@along a rowboat when going on a cruise.
Mistakes are oft the stepping stones to failure.
The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive.
To criticize the incompetent is easy;
@it is more difficult to criticize the competent.
He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.
Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples.
Get back to work!
One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true.
Even a hawk is an eagle among crows.
Even the smallest candle burns brighter in the dark.
Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.
A woman is like a highway:
@soft shoulders and dangerous curves.
Those who can, do; those who can't, simulate.
Those who can, do; those who can't, write.
@Those who can't write go to the State Department.
This Cookie is inoperative. Please try another.
Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either.
No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail.
You will feel hungry again in another hour.
The computer loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life.
Many are called, few are chosen. Fewer still get to do the choosing.
God made the integers; all else is the work of Man.
@--- or ---
@Man made God; all else is the work of integers.
He who hesitates is miles away from the next freeway exit.
Time is nature's way of making sure that
@everything doesn't happen at once.
The future isn't what it used to be. (It never was.)
If God had wanted you to go around nude,
@He would have given you bigger hands.
It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
Making predictions is always difficult, especially about the future.
Your computer account is overdrawn. Please reauthorize.
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
Ignore previous Cookie.
MOUNT TAPE U1439 ON B3, NO RING
A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.
Quantity is no substitute for quality,
@but it's the only one we've got.
The more things change, the more they'll never be the same again.
Those who can, do; those who can't, teach.
@Those who can't teach, administrate.
It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to
@open one's mouth and remove all doubt.
The proof is left to the student as a pudding.
The student is in the pudding as an exercise.
The exercise is proof of the student.
System going down in five minutes...
System down; try again later.
Never confuse motion for action.
@ -- Benjamin Franklin
Will Rodgers never met Howard Cosell.
WARNING -- This system is now being controlled by IBM.
I would rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
The pudding is in the student.
@ The student needs some exercise.
Girls don't give hugs if your code has bugs.
Random stomping seldom catches bugs.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous...
Feature: a desirable attribute of a program.
@Bug: an undesireable attribute of a program
@to be fixed in the near future.
@Beature: an undesireable attribute of a program which
@will not be fixed no matter how hard you beg.
@Fug: a desirable attribute of a program which
@has been repaired, thereby making a new bug.
Computer scientists can do anything except chemistry
@and accounting, and that is by choice.
Ignorance is the ally of deception.
Sometimes the problem isn't the high cost of living,
@but the cost of high living.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes all the way to the bone.
A man of means means more than a man who's mean.
When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains,
@however improbable, must be the truth.
@ -- Sherlock Holmes
Never argue with a fool. Others may
@not be able to tell the difference.
If it jams, force it; if it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
Anything that isn't nailed down is mine.
@Anything I can pry loose isn't nailed down.
The probability of the bread falling jelly-side down is
@directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
It is morally wrong to allow a sucker to hold on to his money.
The person who can smile when something goes wrong has
@obviously thought of someone to blame it on.
Sorry, this Cookie broken!
Things are more like they are now
@than they have ever been before.
The difference between capitalism and
@socialism is that in capitalism, man exploits man,
@while in socialism it's the other way around.
One picture is worth a thousand reels of magnetic tape.
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think,
@and getting out of the way before it is understood.
I know you believe you understand what
@you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize what
@you heard is not what I really meant.
To the systems programmers, the customers
@and users serve only as a test load.
The reasonable man adapts himself to the
@world as it exists; the unreasonable man persists
@in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore,
@all progress depends on the unreasonable man.
Out of intense complexities, intense simplicities emerge.
TOMORROW HAS BEEN CANCELED, DUE TO AN ERROR NOTED ELSEWHERE.
Before they made you they broke the mold.
A whole hog is better than no hog at all.
Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.
To one with a hammer everything is a nail.
Few things are harder to put up with than
@the annoyance of a good example.
Before God and the bus driver we are all equal.
Appliances must carry energy-efficiency labels, but
@so far the government doesn't require them on people.
When a fellow says it hain't the money but
@the principle o' the thing, its th' money.
A home is the place where part of the family
@waits until the others have returned with the car.
We'd all like to vote for the best man,
@but he's never a candidate.
The man who does not read good books has
@no advantage over the man who can't read.
If it weren't for optimists, pessimists
@would never know how unhappy they are.
Vanity is quite often the greatest enemy of competence.
Personally I am always ready to learn,
@although I do not always like being taught.
@ -- Sir Winston Churchill
BIT - The quantum of misinformation.
MICROPROCESSOR - Twenty years of architectural
@bungling concentrated onto a single chip.
COMPUTER SCIENCE - A study akin to numerology
@and astrology, but lacking the precision of the
@former and the success of the latter.
One incompetent manager can negate the
@work of dozens of excellent engineers.
This place is a hotbed of inertia.
Whoever dies with the most toys wins.
The college lecture is the process whereby the
@notes of the professor become the notes of
@the student without passing through the minds of either.
I ain't met a broad yet that don't understand
@a slap across the face or a slug from a 45.
@ -- Mike Hammer
To beat the grass is to risk startling the snake.
Your situation is as precarious as piled eggs.
Too many evil deeds ruin the doer.
An easy life saps one's will.
A dog is a dog unless he is facing you; then he is Mr. Dog.
@ -- Haitian Proverb
Take care of the luxuries and the necessities
@will take care of themselves.
Nuke the gay whales.
The universe is laughing behind your back.
If you suspect a man, don't employ him.
Committee: an organism with 3 or more bellies and no brain.
It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things.
Like winter snow on summer lawn,
@time past is time gone.
Deprive a mirror of its silver and
@even the Czar won't see his face.
Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level.
You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
How you look depends on where you go.
Just because something is scientifically
@true, doesn't mean it's not weird.
Even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat.
A man who turns green has eschewed protein.
Sin has many tools, but a lie is
@the handle which fits them all.
With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.
He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life, or
@today is the last day of your life so far.
The early worm gets the bird.
For the rest of my life, I want to reflect on what a photon is.
@ -- Albert Einstein
God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh
People usually get what's coming to them...unless it's been mailed.
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
Howard is a wanker.
Q: What is the purpose of a Woman?
@A: Life support system for a pussy!
Eat me, I'm a fucking twinkie!
RPI: Where the men are men, the woment
@are men, and the sheep are nervous.
RPI: Where the men are men, the women
@are men, there are no sheep, and the
@cats and dogs are nervous.
"Coitus ergo sum"
@ - I Fuck, Therefore I am.
Q: What do you call a pretty girl in Troy?
@A: A Tourist.
Q: What is the difference between 'ooh and 'aah' ?
@A: About 3 inches
Q: What do you call a woman who can suck a golf ball
through 50 feet of garden hose?
@A: Darling.
To some, happiness is the derivative of affluence.
@ Denis Kermicle
Age and trickery will overcome youth and ambition.
@ Anonymous
Necessity has no law.
@ Anonymous
All that glistens is not gold.
@ Cervantes - Don Quixote
There is no cosmetic for beauty like happiness.
@ Lady Blessington
Well begun is half done.
@ Horace
Beware of the man of one book.
@ Isaac D'Israeli
Labor is prior to, and independent of, capital. Capital
@is only the fruit of labor, and could never have existed
@if labor had not first existed. Labor is the superior
@of capital, and deserves the higer consideration.
@ Lincoln - Message to Congress, 1861
Caution is the eldest child of wisdom.
@ Victor Hugo
Talent is nurtured in solitude; character is formed
@in the stormy billows of the world.
@ Goethe - Torquato Tasso
If poverty is the mother of crimes,
@want of sense is the father.
@ La Bruyere
The best way out of a difficulty is through it.
@ Anonymous
Experience is the extract of suffering.
@ Arthur Helps
Facts are stubborn things.
@ Smollett
Here I stand. I can do no otherwise.
@God help me. Amen.
@ Luther
A fashionable women is always in love - with herself.
@ La Rochefoucauld
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable
@that we have to alter it every six months.
@ Wilde
There is but one good throw upon the dice,
@which is to throw them away.
@ Chatfield
A women's hopes are woven of sunbeams, a
@shadow annihilates them.
@ George Eliot
Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.
@ English Proverb
Some women blush when they are kissed; some
@call the police, some swear; some bite. But
@the worst are those who laugh.
@ Anonymous
And love is loveliest when embalm'd in tears.
@ Scott - Lady of the Lake
Money is a good servant but a bad master.
@ Quoted by Bacon
Ah, take the Cash and let the Credit go,
@Nor heed the rumble of a distant Drum!
@ Omar Khayyam - Rubaiyat
Money is a new form of slavery, and
@distinguishable from the old simply
@by the fact that it is impersonal -
@that there is no human relationship
@between master and slave.
@ Tolstoy - What Shall We Do?
Adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience.
@ Emerson
Victory belongs to the most persevering.
@ Napoleon
Property exists by grace of the law. It is
@not a fact, but a legal fiction.
@ Stirner - The Ego of His Own
The higest law gives a thing to him who can use it.
@ Thoreau
That man is the richest whose pleasures
@are the cheapest.
@ Thoreau
Enough is as good as a feast.
@ Joshua Sylvester - Works
My tastes are aristocratic; my actions democratic.
@ Victor Hugo
If you have tears, prepare to shed them now.
@ Shakespeare - Julius Caesar
Drinking water neither makes a man sick, nor
@in debt, nor his wife a widow.
@ John Neale
That fellow seems to me to possess but one idea,
@and that is a wrong one.
@ Samuel Johnson
It is better to have a hen tomorrow than an egg today.
@ Thomas Fuller
A man who both spends and saves money is the happiest
@man, because he has both enjoyments.
@ Samuel Johnson
I recommend you to take care of the minutes, for
@the hours will take care of themselves.
@ Chesterfield
For thy sake tobacco, I
@Would do anything but die.
@ Lamb - A farewell to Tobacco
A women is only a women, but
@a good cigar is a smoke.
@ Kipling - The Betrothed
Absolute and entire ugliness is rare.
@ Ruskin
Wives are young men's mistresses; companions
@for middle age; and old men's nurses.
@ Bacon - Of Marriage and Single Life
Men say of women what pleases them; women do
@with men what pleases them.
@ De Segur
Most men who run down women are
@running down one women only.
@ Remy de Gourmont
Women forgive injuries, but never forget slights.
@ Haliburton
Man has his will, - but women has her way.
@ Holmes - Autocrat of the Breakfast Table
It is God who makes women beautiful, it is
@the devil who makes her pretty.
@ Victor Hugo
There are no ugly women; there are only women who
@do not know how to look pretty.
@ La Bruyere
He who laughs last laughs last.
@ Anonymous
It's better to burn out than to fade away...
@ Neil Young
Out of the blue and into the black.
@ Neil Young
Quaeque ipsa miserrima vidi,
@Er quorum pars magna fui.
@ Virgil
You'd better not mess around with Jim.
@ Jim Croce
A game in which one endeavors to control a
@ball with implements ill adapted for the purposes.
@ Woodrow Wilson (on golf)
It takes one to know one.
@ Anonymous
This album is dedicated to my husband,
@the coolest guy in the universe.
@ Madonna
If if's and but's were candy and nuts every
@day would be Christmas.
@ Anonymous
I tot I taw a puddy tat...
@ Tweety Bird
I once had a girl, or should I say, she once had me.
@ Beatles
You got to fight for your right to party
@ The Beastie Boys
You couldn't have done a worse thing to me,
@than to shoot an arrow thru me.
@ Paul McCartney
Absolute power corrupts absolutely.
@ Proverb
...and the meek shall inherit the Earth...
@ Darwin
Do unto others before they do unto you.
@ Redneck saying
Might makes right.
@ Genghis Khan
Sometimes I wonder what I'm a-gonna do,
@There ain't no cure for the summertime blues.
@ Eddie Cochran
A bird came down the Walk-
@He did not know I saw-
@He bit an Angleworm in halves
@And ate the fellow, raw
@ Emily Dickinson, A Bird Came Down the Walk
I knew the bride when she used to do the Pony,
@I knew the bride when she used to do the Stroll.
@I knew the bride when she used to wanna party,
@I knew the bride when she used to rock and roll.
@ Nick Lowe
You can't be careful on a skateboard, man.
@ some kid
Any program can be broken.
@ Jay Wherley
All side effects are effects.
@We can never do merely one thing.
@ -First Law of Ecology
In the Information Age, the first step to sanity is FILTERING.
@Filter the information; extract the knowledge.
@ -Zetetic Commentaries, Kira Evans
History is a race between education and catastrophe.
@ -H.G. Wells
Filter first for substance. Filter second for significance.
@These filters protect against advertising.
@ -Zetetic Commentaries
"Your two-color morality is pathetic," sneered the Sophisticate.
@"The world isn't black and white. No one does pure good or pure
@bad. It's all gray. Therefore, no one is better than anyone else."
@ "I'm glad you see the flaws in the two-color morality,"
@replied the Zetet. "But knowing only gray, you conclude that
@all grays are the same shade. You mock the simplicity of the
@two-color view, yet you replace it with a one-color view.
@Can we not find a third, better alternative?"
@ -Zetetic Commentaries
Filter third for reliability. This filter protects against politicians.
@ -Zetetic Commentaries
How emotionally entangled are you with your point of view?
@Test yourself - defend an opposing view, believing your life
@depends upon it.
@ -Zetetic Commentaries
America never remembers the past. The Soviet Union never forgets.
@ -Industrial Age Societies:
@ A Historical Perspective
To predict the future, you must successfully predict the past.
@ -Zetetic Commentaries
To win a war takes billions. To lose a war takes all you've got.
@ -Military aphorism
Ready. Fire. Aim.
@ -Motto of Evolutionary System Engineer
Filter fourth for completeness. This filter protects against the media.
@ -Zetetic Commentaries
The purpose of conflict is not to destroy your opponent, but to disarm him.
@ -Zetetic Commentaries
Engineering is the implementation of science;
@politics is the implementation of faith.
@ -Zetetic Commentaries
May the pens of diplomats never again ruin
@what the people have attained with such exertion.
@ -General Blucher after the Battle of Waterloo
The engineer breaks a large problem into many small problems,
@each of which he can solve. The politician takes many small
@problems and rolls them together to form a large problem
@that no one can solve.
@ -Zetetic Commentaries
Soon the hunt will begin...
He who pays the piper calls the tune
But I can't help looking at her sleeping instead
@Another morning I'll have trouble climbing out of this bed
@ -"Temptation" by Billy Joel
I look so tired, cause I don't get much sleep
@I got too many committments that are too hard to keep
@And I try to be rational, and I try to be wise
@But it all gets blown to pieces when I look in her eyes
@ -"Temptation" by Billy Joel
I should be leaving, but I can't cut it loose
@I have my reasons for resistance but I have no excuse
@And I lose my composure, I could use some restraint
@I never claimed to be a hero and I never said I was a saint
@ -"Temptation" by Billy Joel
"Use 'em, abuse 'em, throw 'em away."
@ -RPI female philosophy
Sometimes I think that you never
@understand me
@ -"Father Figure" by George Michael
Q: What's more dangerous than a pit bull with aids?
@A: The guy who gave it to him.
"Won't the US-Soviet 50% arms reduction treaty make the world safer?"
@Assume for a moment that I extend my hand to you. In this hand
@is a 9-mm Browning highpower automatic pistol, with a 13-round
@magazine room and one in the chamber makes 14 rounds. I point it
@at your chest at a range of about ten feet. And I promise you
@I will hit you from this range. Let's say I don't really hate you
@as much today as I did last week. So I pop out the magazine.
@I take out 7 rounds. I put the thing back in. I point it at you
@again and say, "OK, now they're only seven rounds pointed at your
@chest from a range of ten feet." Don't you feel twice as safe now?
@ -Tom Clancy, author of "Red October"
Q: What's a tactical nuclear weapon?
@A: One that explodes in Germany.
And you want her, and she wants you
@No one, no one, no one ever is to blame
@ -"No one is to blame" by Howard Jones
Absolutly
Absolutly 80 proof
Absolutly - if you're going to do it, do it right
No more Mr. Nice Guy
@On your knees bitch
Caught you in the act, can't put up with that
@Messing where you shouldn't be
@I wanna hear you say you're sorry,
@Cause nobody takes advantage of me
@ -"If Looks Could Kill" by Heart
Whip me, beat me
@Show me that you love me
Tute Screw (n) - no matter which way you turn it
@ it only goes in deeper
Aw, that aint working, that's the way you do it,
@Money for nuthin' and your chicks for free
Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
@A: Watching your mother-in-law back off a cliff in your brand new Mercedes.
When the world seems to fall apart for us
@When all the hope has turned to desperation
@How can we torture, torture the ones that we love
@Can't let the feelings be left unsaid
@ -"Will You Still Be There" by Howard Jones
How many hearts have been broken
@Because a few simple words have not been spoken
@ -"Will You Still Be There" by Howard Jones
Sometimes you tell a day by the bottle that you drink
@And times when you're alone, and all you do is think
@ -"Wanted Dead or Alive" by Bon Jovi
I said it in my heart
@Just to make you die
@And with that dime I bought your love
@But now I've changed my mind
@ -"Nobody's Fool" by Cinderella
Q: What's Kermit the frog's favorite meal?
@A: Sweet-and-sour pork.
Q: Why does Kermit always bring a bottle of vinegar when visiting Miss Piggy?
@A: He likes sweet-and-sour pork.
Q: What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
@A: Getting fingered by Captain Hook.
The 3 big lies:
@
@ 1) The check's in the mail
@ 2) I won't come in your mouth
@ 3) I'm from the government and I'm here to help you
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
After the fire
@The fire still burns
@The heart grows older
@But never ever learns
@ -"After the Fire" by Roger Daltrey
But you swore to yourself a long time ago
@There were somethings that people didn't need to know
@ -"Code of Silence" by Billy Joel
And you still have a rage inside you
@That you carry with a certain pride
@And the only part of the broken heart
@That you could ever save
@ -"Code of Silence" by Billy Joel
Sitting in the gutter
@With my head wrapped in my hands
@I've been drinking all night
@And I just can't stand the pain
@ -"Satisfaction Guarranteed" by The Firm
Shot through the heart and you're to blame
@Darling you give love a bad name
@ -"Shot through the Heart" by Bon Jovi
Dream on, dream on, dream on
@Dream until your dream comes through
@ -"Dream on" by Aerosmith
2000 zero zero party over whoops out of time
@So tonite I'm going to party like it's 1999
@ -"1999" by Prince
I never knew you could leave this way
@Forget about what I've been through
@If you should go what am I to do
@ -"Heartache" by Pepsi & Shirlie
Remember we met and the room was crowded
@And I can't forget the way that it started
@Givin' it all ready to fall in love
@ -"Heartache" by Pepsi & Shirlie
We're not indestructible
@Baby better get that straight
@I think it's unbelieveable
@How you give in to the hands of fate
@There's some things worth fighting for
@Some feelings never die
@I'm not asking for another chance
@I just want to know why
@ -"No Easy Way Out" by Survivor
I see only angry faces
@So afraid that could be you and me
@Talking about what might have been
@And dreaming about what used to be
@ -"No Easy Way Out" by Survivor
I laughed and she'd smile
@It would last for a while
@You don't know what you got
@Till you lose it all again
@ -"Mandolin Rain" by Bruce Hornsby
I'll do my time
@Whoa keepin you off my mind
@But there's moments that I find
@I'm not feeling so strong
@ -"Mandolin Rain" by Bruce Hornsby
Boat steamin in
@Oh watch the sidewheels spin
@And I think about her when
@I hear that whistle blow
@But I can't change my mind
@Ho want you all the time
@As she goes,
@That's a choice I made long ago
@ -"Mandolin Rain" by Bruce Hornsby
Listen to the tears roll
@Down my face as she turns to go
@ -"Mandolin Rain" by Bruce Hornsby
I make my livin off the evenin news
@Just give me something, something I can use
@People love it when you lose
@They love dirty laundry
@ -"Dirty Laundry" by Don Henley
Well I could have been an actor
@But I wound up here
@I just have to look good
@I don't have to be clear
@Come and whisper in my ear
@Give us dirty laundry
@ -"Dirty Laundry" by Don Henley
Got the bubble headed bleached blonde
@Comes on at 5
@She can tell you about the plane crash
@With the gleam in her eye
@It's interesting when people die
@Give us dirty laundry
@ -"Dirty Laundry" by Don Henley
Can we film the operation
@Is the head dead yet
@You know the boys in the newsroom got a running bet
@Get there with your armor set
@We need dirty laundry
@ -"Dirty Laundry" by Don Henley
You don't really need to find out what's going on
@You don't really want to know just how far it's gone
@Just leave well enough alone
@Keep you dirty laundry
@ -"Dirty Laundry" by Don Henley
Dealin in secrets, dirty little lies
@We got our dirty little fingers in everybody's pie
@Love to cut you down inside
@We love dirty laundry
@ -"Dirty Laundry" by Don Henley
We can do the innuendo we can dance and sing
@When it's said and done we haven't told you a thing
@We all know that crap is king
@Give us dirty laundry
@ -"Dirty Laundry" by Don Henley
It's a given any law
@Someone's faster on the draw
@ -"Shakedown" by Bob Seger
Welcome to the big time
@You're bound to be a star
@And even if you don't go all tyhe way I know you'll go far
@This race is for rats
@It can turn you upside down
@No one you can count on in this sleazy little town
@ -"Don't Mean Nothing" by Robert Marx
It's never what
@But who it is you know
@ -"Don't Mean Nothing" by Robert Marx
How can I just let you walk away
@Just let you leave without a trace
@When I stand here taking every breath with you
@You're the only one who really knew me at all
@ -"Against All Odds" by Phil Collins
So take a look at me now
@Well there's just an empty space
@And there's nothing left here to remind me
@Just a memory of your face
@ -"Against All Odds" by Phil Collins
I wish I could just make you turn around
@Turn around and see me cry
@There's so much I need to say to you
@So many reasons why
@You're the only one who really knew me now
@ -"Against All Odds" by Phil Collins
"The only thing worse than a sorceror is a sorceror's apprentice."
@ -M. Mouse
@
@ (Hit or Myth by Robert Asprin)
"Choose your friends carefully. Your enemies will choose you!"
@ -Y. Arafat
@
@ (Hit or Myth by Robert Asprin)
"I don't know why anyone would be nervous about going to see royalty."
@ -P. In Boots
@
@ (Hit or Myth by Robert Asprin)
"Superior firepower is an invaluable tool when entering into negotiations."
@ -G. Patton
@
@ (Hit or Myth by Robert Asprin)
"Tell you what. Let me sweeten the deal a bit for you..."
@ -Beelzebub
@
@ (Hit or Myth by Robert Asprin)
"I'm making this up as I go along!"
@ -I. Jones
@
@ (Hit or Myth by Robert Asprin)
"It's always easier to destroy than to create."
@ -Any General, Any Army, Any Age
@
@ (Hit or Myth by Robert Asprin)
"The best laid plans often go fowl."
@ -Wile E. Coyote
@
@ (Hit or Myth by Robert Asprin)
"Stayin' alive! Stayin' alive!"
@ -V. Dracula
@
@ (Hit or Myth by Robert Asprin)
"To survive one must be able to adapt to changing situations."
@ -Tyrannosaurus Rex
@
@ (Mything Persons by Robert Asprin)
"Nice Jail. Looks strong."
@ -H. Houdini
@
@ (Mything Persons by Robert Asprin)
"I've never seen so damn many Indians."
@ -G. A. Custer
@
@ (Mything Persons by Robert Asprin)
"Relax, Julie. Everyone will understand."
@ -Romeo
@
@ (Mything Persons by Robert Asprin)
"I'm doing this for your own good!"
@ -Any establishment executioner...
@ or any parent
@
@ (Little Myth Marker by Robert Asprin)
"There never let you live it down. One little mistake!"
@ -Nero
@
@ (Little Myth Marker by Robert Asprin)
"Petty crime is the scourge of business today."
@ -D. Lorean
@
@ (Myth Inc. Link by Robert Asprin)
"What fools these mortals be."
@ -Smaug
@
@ (Myth Inc. Link by Robert Asprin)
"Not everything in life is funny."
@ -R. L. Asprin
@
@ (Myth Inc. Link by Robert Asprin)
"I think we made the marchant angry."
@"Are you surprised?"
@"But we didn't steal everything he had."
@"We didn't have time."
@ -Conan the Destroyer
Fuck you asshole
"You're a funny guy Sully. That's why I'm going to kill you last."
"Remember when I promised to kill you last?"
@"That's right Matrix, you did."
@"I lied."
"I'll be back"
@ -Arnold Schwarzenegger in The Terminator
"I'll be back"
@ -Arnold Schwarzenegger in The Running Man
"I'll be back Bennet"
@ -Arnold Schwarzenegger in Commando
"Dead or alive you're coming with me."
@ -Robocop
VOKNEREC'S LAW OF COMPLEXITY:
@
@ The simplest subjects are the ones
@ you don't know anything about.
MURPHY SAYS:
@
@ All available power is quickly used up.
ANCIENT VOLKSWAGEN PROVERB:
@ Anything adjustable will sooner or later need adjustment
MURBOBLE'S LAW:
@
@ Quality assurance doesn't.
MURPHY SAYS:
@
@ After an access cover has been secured by 16 hold-down screws,
@ it will be discovered that the gasket has been omitted.
BMOLUOC'S LAW:
@
@ Anything is easier to take apart than to put together.
MURPHY SAYS:
@
@ When it gets to be your turn, they change the rules.
To err is human, but it feels divine.
MURPHY SAYS:
@
@ A bird in hand is safer than one overhead.
PARKINSON'S LAW: Work expands to fill the time available for its completion.
PARKINSON'S FIFTH LAW:
@
@ If there is any way to delay an important decision,
@ the good bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
MURPHY SAYS:
@
@ The best shots happen immediately after the last frame is exposed.
No good deed goes unpunished.
Praise not the day until evening
@ has come; a woman until she is bed;
@ a sword until it is tried;
@ a maiden until she is married;
@ ice until it has been crossed;
@ beer until it has been drunk.
@ --VIKING PROVERB
THE LAWS OF LEARNING AND ENTERPRISE:
@
@ 1. Those who want to learn will learn.
@ 2. Those who do not want to learn will lead enterprises.
@ 3. Those incapable of either learning or leading
@ will regulate learning and enterprise to death.
MURPHY SAYS:
@
@ In a complex calculation, one
@ factor from the numerator will
@ always move to the denominator.
@MURPHY'S FACTS OF LIFE:
@
@ Security isn't.
@ Management can't.
@ Sales promotions don't.
@ Consumer assistance doesn't.
@ Leakproof seals will.
@ Workers won't.
@ Self starters won't.
@ Interchangeable parts won't.
WRIGHT'S FIRST LAW OF QUALITY:
@
@ Quality is inversely proportional to
@ the time left for completion of the project.
MURPHY SAYS:
@
@ If you fool around with a thing for very long you will screw it up.
MURPHY SAYS:
@
@ A dropped tool will land where it can do the most damage
@ (also known as the law of selective gravitation).
MURPHY SAYS:
@
@ The availability of a component is inversely proportional
@ to the need for that component.
BEN'S HIGHWAY RULE:
@ If you see one Army truck, you'll see a hundred more.
MURPHY SAYS:
@
@ A device selected at random from a group
@ having 99% reliability, will be a member of the 1% group.
MURPHY SAYS:
@
@ To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism;
@ to steal from many is research.
MURPHY SAYS:
@
@ If you are given two contradictory orders, obey them both.
MURPHY SAYS:
@
@ The one who says it cannot be done
@ should never interrupt the one who is doing it.
MURPHY SAYS:
@
@ The one who does the least work will get the most credit.
MURPHY SAYS:
@
@ Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term.
@ EXAMPLE: Velocity will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
ENILK'S EXTENSION OF MURPHY'S LAW:
@
@ Nothing is ever so bad that it can't get worse.
MURPHY SAYS:
@
@ If you can't fix it, feature it.
MURPHY SAYS:
@
@ A failure will not appear till a unit has passed Final Inspection.
FORGOTNIK'S OBVERSVATIONS:
@
@ In every work of genius we recognize our rejected thoughts.
MURPHY SAYS:
@
@ Manufacturers' spec sheets will be incorrect by a factor of 0.5 or 2.0,
@ which ever is more optimistic. For salesman's claims, use 0.1 or 10.0.
MURPHY SAYS:
@
@ Any error that can creep in, will. It will be in the direction that
@ will do the most damage to the calculation.
ADDENDUM TO MURPHY'S LAW:
@
@ In precise mathematical terms 1 + 1 = 2,
@ where '=' is a symbol meaning 'seldom if ever.'
THE ROCKEFELLER PRINCIPLE:
@ Never do anything you wouldn't be caught dead doing.
BRIAN'S LAW:
@ The longer you wait to write a thank-you note, the longer it must be.
CHAPLIN'S RULES:
@ 1. The smaller the democracy, the more complicated its political system.
@ 2. The newer the democracy, the longer its national anthem.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
When you find out how far you can go you have already gone too far.
Procrastination may eliminate the job entirely
@ if the need passes before the job can be done.
Procrastination is a good remedy for boredom:
@One never has the feeling that there is nothing important to do.
Never try to pacify someone at the height of his rage.
COLE'S LAW:
@ Thinly shredded cabbage.
If a person has had any connection with
@the state of Texas or Harvard University,
@he will find a way to make that known to you
@during the first 10 minutes of your conversation.
ENSMINGER'S THEORY OF MULTIPLICITY:
@ Trees always drop more leaves than they bear.
FRANKNOI'S LAMENT:
@ Wherever you are, the eclipse is visible somewhere else.
@GILL'S REPLY:
@ Don't worry. If you are in the right place,
@ it will be foggy or overcast anyway.
In times like these, it is helpful to remember that,
@ there have always been times like these.
IRRESISTIBLE FORCES:
@ Trailer parks attract tornadoes.
OWEN'S THEORY OF ORGANIZATIONAL DEVIANCE:
@
@ Every organization has an allotted number of
@ position to be filled by misfits.
@
@COROLLARY:
@ Once a misfit leaves, another will be recruited.
The first myth of management is that it exists.
@
@ COROLLARY:
@ Nobody really knows what is going on anyway.
The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side
@up is inversely proportional to the cost of the carpet.
HOFFER'S LAW:
@
@ When people are free to do as they please,
@ They usually imitate each other.
Enough research will tend to support your theory.
SELF-DETERMINATION:
@
@ What you resist, you become.
MURPHY'S CONFESSION:
@
@ Murphy's Law was not propounded by Murphy,
@ but by another man of the same name.
WHILLIKER HAS PROCLAIMED:
@
@ People are divided into only two groups
@ -the righteous and the unrighteous
@ -and the righteous do the dividing.
A POSTULATE TO LIVE BY:
@
@ The degree to which you overreact to information
@ will be in inverse proportion to its accuracy.
Most well-trodden paths lead no-where.
TV MORALITY:
@
@ There is nothing wrong with sex on television,
@ just as long as you don't fall off.
THE LAWS OF FAT:
@
@ 1. Fat expands to fill any apparel worn.
@ 2. A fat person walks in the middle of the hall.
@
@COROLLARY:
@ Two fat people will walk side by side, whether
@ they know each other or not.
If you understand it, it's obsolete.
If a programmer's modification of an existing program
@works, it's probably not what the users want.
Any change looks terrible at first.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
The only people who find what they are looking
@ for in life are the fault-finders.
Experience is somthing you don't get
@ until just after you need it.
REMEMBER THAT:
@
@ It's the dead wood that holds up the tree.
@
@COROLLARY:
@ Just because it's still standing,
@ doesn't mean it's not dead.
EXCEPTIONS?:
@
@ 1. Exceptions always outnumber rules.
@ 2. There are always exceptions to established exceptions.
@ 3. By the time one masters the exceptions, no
@ one recalls the rules to which they apply.
Asking dumb questions is easier than correcting dumb mistakes.
He who hesitates is probably right.
When all else fails, try the boss's suggestion.
Never walk down a hallway in a building
@without a piece of paper in your hand.
THE PRINCIPLE ON EMERGENT INDIVIDUATION:
@
@ Everybody wants to peel his own banana.
EINSTEIN'S OBSERVATION:
@
@ Inasmuch as the mathematical theorems are related
@ to reality, they are not sure; inasmuch as they are
@ sure, they are not related to reality.
In a social situation, that which is most difficult
@to do is usually the right thing to do.
TOTAFUR'S AND GOJOB'S LAW:
@
@ No matter what goes wrong, there is always somebody who knew it would.
No matter how long or hard you shop for an item, after you've
@ bought it, it will be on sale somewhere else, cheaper.
There was a young lady named Bright,
@Who traveled much faster than light.
@ She started one day
@ In the relative way,
@And returned on the previous night.
In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it.
DIBDIB'S REALITIES:
@
@ Nobody wants to read anyone else's formulas.
When a broken appliance is demonstrated for the repairman,
@ it will work prefectly.
Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will use it.
In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level of
@ incompetence, and then remains there.
NOTWEN'S LAW:
@
@ Any producing entity is the last to use its own product.
There's never time to do it right,
@ but there's always time to do it over.
Murphy's Golden Rule: --
@ Whoever has the gold
@ makes the rules.
Negative expectations yield negative results.
@Positive expectations yield negative results.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Everything east of the San Andreas fault
@ will eventually plunge into the Atlantic Ocean.
The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an oncoming train.
Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
OELILAG'S COROLLARY TO MURPHY'S LAW:
@
@ Two wrongs are only the beginning.
RULES FOR RESEARCH ECONOMY:
@
@ 1. Deny the last established truth on the list.
@ 2. Add yours.
@ 3. Pass the list.
The more proficient one is at procrastination,
@ the less proficient one need be at all else.
NEITSNIE'S THEOREM:
@
@ 1. You can't win.
@ 2. You can't break even.
@ 3. You can't even quit the game.
RHOB'S FIRST LAW OF EVOLVING SYSTEMS DYNAMICS:
@
@ Once you open a can of worms, the only way to
@ recan them is to use a larger can.
@
@NOTPMOC'S COMMENT ON RHOB:
@ Never open a can of worms unless you plan to go fishing.
Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost more than you thought.
SED EMIHCRA'S LAW:
@
@ The solving of a problem lies in finding the solvers.
1. When in doubt, mumble.
@ 2. When in trouble, delegate.
@ 3. When in charge, ponder.
The length of a meeting rises with the square of the number of people present.
Do someone a favor and it becomes your job.
The wise are pleased when they discover truth,
@ fools when they discover falsehood.
A 300 dollar picture tube will protect
@ a 10 cent fuse by blowing first.
SSUAG'S LAW:
@
@ There is nothing so small that it can't be blown out of proportion.
If it jams-force it, if it breaks,
@ it needed replacing anyway.
TAMREF'S NULL PRINCIPLE:
@
@ Memory serves its own master.
RELPEK'S PREDICTION:
@
@ If anything is used to its full potential, it will break.
FIRST LAW OF REVISION:
@
@ Information necessitating a change of design
@ will be conveyed to the designer after-and
@ only after-the plans are complete. (Often
@ called the: 'Now They Tell Us!' Law.)
SET RACSED'S LAW:
@
@ An unbreakable toy can be used to break other toys.
KERPOTNICK'S LAW:
@
@ You can't guard against the arbitrary.
GURR'S AXIOM:
@
@ Simple jobs always get put off because
@ there will be time to do them later.
BJORN'S LAW:
@
@ Things go right so they can go wrong.
SHNIKLEGRUB'S COROLLARY TO MURPHY'S LAW:
@
@ In any given set of circumstances, the proper
@ course of action is determined by subsequent events.
BERYL'S LAW:
@
@ The 'Consumer Report' on the item will come
@ out a week after you've made your purchase.
@
@COROLLARIES:
@ 1. The one you bought will be rated 'unacceptable.'
@ 2. The one you almost bought will be rated 'best buy.'
CHRISTIE-DAVIES' THEORUM:
@
@ If your facts are wrong but your logic is
@ perfect, then your conclusions are inevitably
@ false. Therefore, by making mistakes in your
@ logic, you have at least a random chance of
@ coming to a correct conclusion.
CARID'S RULE:
@
@ That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.
Nature is a mother.
YADARAF'S LAW OF DEBATE:
@
@ Two monologues do not make a dialogue.
Don't mess with Mrs. Murphy.
90% of everything is crud.
If everything appears to be going well,
@ you obviously have overlooked something.
When in doubt,
@ give up.
All warranties expire upon
@ payment of invoice.
A person with horse sense,
@ is a person with a stable mind.
Two wrongs don't make a right,
@ but what else can you do when you are in trouble?
Rose's are red
@ Violet's are pink
@ You see, Violet washed hers
@ and they faded.
A paradox is where two ships tie up.
MATTHEW PORDAGE --
@ One of the endearing things about
@ mathematicians is the extent to which
@ they will go, to avoid doing any real
@ work.
You will always find things in the last place you look.
@You should have looked there first!
Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.
When you know you are way over your head
@is when the professor says, 'And now we cam
@solve the problem without any mathematics at
@all: just group theory.'
@In any given miscalculation,
@the fault will never be placed
@if more than one person is involved.
All constants are variables.
All variables are sometimes constants.
FETRIDGE'S LAW:
@ Important things that are supposed to happen
@ do not happen, especially when people are looking.
AXIOMATICS
@ Only an elephant or a whale gives birth to a creature
@ whose weight is 70 kilograms or more. The President's
@ weight is 75 kilograms. Therefore the President's mother
@ was either an elephant or a whale.
People ask me, 'Can you show us the fourth dimension?.'
@ And I reply, 'Can you show me the first, second, and third?'.
Any wire cut to length will be too short.
Truth beyond a doubt is beautiful,
@ but so are some lies.
Tolerances will accumulate unidirectionally
@ toward maximum difficulty of assembly.
Identical units tested under identical conditions
@ will not be identical in the field.
If a project requires n components,
@ there will be n-1 units in stock.
The wages of sin are high,
@ but you get your money's worth.
The probability of a dimension being omitted from a plan
@or drawing is directly proportional to its importance.
Probability of failure of a component assembly, subsystem or
@system is inversely proportional to ease of repair or replacement.
If a prototype functions perfectly,
@ subsequent production units will malfunction.
A purchased component or instrument will meet its specs
@long enough, and only long enough, to pass Incoming Inspection.
After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access
@ cover it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.
After an access cover has been secured by 16 hold-down screws,
@ it will be discovered that the gasket has been omitted.
After an instrument has been fully assembled,
@ extra components will be found on the bench.
Specified environmental conditions will always be exceeded.
In an error characterized by a number of plus or minus errors,
@ the errors will add in the same direction.
In any given price estimate, cost of equipment
@ will exceed the estimate by a factor of 3.141592....
In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's.
A patent application will be preceded by one week by a
@ similar application made by an independent worker.
The more innocuous a design change appears,
@the further its influence will extend.
The necessity of making a major design change increases
@as the fabrication of the system approaches completion.
Firmness of delivery dates is inversely proportional
@ to the tightness of the schedule.
Suggestions made by the Value Analysis group
@ will increase costs and reduce capabilities.
Original drawings will be mangled by the copying machine.
Never conduct negotiations before 10 A.M. or after 4 P.M.
@ Before 10 you appear too anxious,
@ and after 4 they think you're desperate.
1. No matter how much you do,
@ you'll never do enough.
@ 2. What you don't do is always more
@ important than what you do.
@All papers after the top are upside down or backwards,
@until you right the pile. ---- Then the process repeats.
TWOLIPS LAW:
@ If you don't understand a particular word in a
@ piece of technical writing, ignore it. The piece
@ will make perfect sense without it.
@
@COROLLARY:
@ If the piece makes no sense without the word, it will
@ make no sense with the word.
THEORY OF SELECTIVE SUPERVISION:
@ The one time in the day that you lean back and relax
@ is the one time the boss walks through the office.
WUDJUBLIV'S LAW:
@ The number of minor illness among the employees
@ is inversely proportional to the health of the organization.
War doesn't prove who's right, just who's left.
"Saw Gonzalez drive away in a Mercedes. Who's he working for?"
@"Look, Julio don't work for nobody. His boss had an accident,
@ he fell on a knife 4 times."
@"Ooh, those things do happen."
@"Oh, it's a jungle out there."
@ - Running Scared
"Listen you dim bulb, we;ve got 50,000 dollars here. You think
@ Gonzales was maybe going to be buying savings bonds?"
@"Yeah, right, yeah, buy american, you know, sport your country,
@ shit like that."
@"Could he be, maybe, importing some cocaine?"
@"No, no no no no, that would be illegal."
@ - Running Scared
"Hey, my favorite traffic cop. Give the body a ticket for loitering yet?"
@"Up yours."
@"Fellas, fellas."
@"Pretty gruesome stuff. Does the lump have any id?"
@ - Running Scared
"Excuse me sir. Is this the Delta house?"
"Grab a brew. Don't cost nothing."
"You goin' out tonight Otter?"
@"Uh, huh."
@"Norma?"
@"No. Let me give you a hint. She's got a couple of major league yavos."
@"Beverlee?"
@"No, but you're getting warmer. Let me give you another hint. Does this
@ ring a bell: Oh God, Oh God, Oh God Oh
@"Marlene?! Don't tell me you're going to pork Marlene Desmond."
@"Pork?"
@"You're gonna hump her brains out, aren't 'cha?"
@"Boone, I anticipate a deeply religious experience."
@ - Animal House
"Aaayy, Eric Stratten, Rush Chairman, damn glad to meet you."
@"Hi, that was Eric Straaten, Rush Chairman, he was damn glad to meet you."
@ - Animal House
"Now, I want you to fix Pinto up, but it's gotta be a very special girl.
@ Now, she should be decent looking, but we're willing to trade looks
@ for a certain kind of, morally casual attitute."
@"Oh. You mean you want somebody he can screw on the first date."
@"Well put."
@ - Animal House
It's not gonna be an orgy. It's a toga party.
MOODY BITCH with attitude seeks nice, good
@looking, and understanding guy to dump on.
S.S.D.D.
@Same Shit, Different Day
ABSOLUT
@Country of Sweden
@ VODKA
1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you,
@ the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
@
@ - Murphy's Laws on Sex
2. Nothing improves with age.
@
@ - Murphy's Laws on Sex
3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it,
@ because it'll never be quite the same again.
@
@ - Murphy's Laws on Sex
4. Sex has no calories.
@
@ - Murphy's Laws on Sex
5. Sex takes up the least amount of time
@ and causes the most amount of trouble.
@
@ - Murphy's Laws on Sex
6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
@
@ - Murphy's Laws on Sex
7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got
@ and 50% what people think you've got.
@
@ - Murphy's Laws on Sex
8. No sex with anyone in the same office.
@
@ - Murphy's Laws on Sex
9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches
@ you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
@
@ - Murphy's Laws on Sex
10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.
@
@ - Murphy's Laws on Sex
11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
@
@ - Murphy's Laws on Sex
12. Virginity can be cured.
@
@ - Murphy's Laws on Sex
13. When a man's wife learns to understand him,
@ she usually stops listening to him.
@
@ - Murphy's Laws on Sex
14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
@
@ - Murphy's Laws on Sex
15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man
@ are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
@
@ - Murphy's Laws on Sex
16. Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
@
@ - Murphy's Laws on Sex
17. It is always the wrong time of month.
@
@ - Murphy's Laws on Sex
18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
@
@ - Murphy's Laws on Sex
19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
@
@ - Murphy's Laws on Sex
20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it,
@ chances are you won't either.
@
@ - Murphy's Laws on Sex
21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night
@ -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.
@
@ - Murphy's Laws on Sex
22. The younger the better.
@
@ - Murphy's Laws on Sex
23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
@
@ - Murphy's Laws on Sex
24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground
@ that caused the trouble in the garden.
@
@ - Murphy's Laws on Sex
25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
@
@ - Murphy's Laws on Sex
27. Before you find your handsome prince,
@ you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
@
@ - Murphy's Laws on Sex
28. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse
@ than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
@
@ - Murphy's Laws on Sex
29. Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
@
@ - Murphy's Laws on Sex
30. Love is a hole in the heart.
@
@ - Murphy's Laws on Sex
31. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom
@ had gone into our space program, we would now be running
@ hot-dog stands on the moon.
@
@ - Murphy's Laws on Sex
32. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
@
@ - Murphy's Laws on Sex
33. Do it only with the best.
@
@ - Murphy's Laws on Sex
34. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned
@ four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
@
@ - Murphy's Laws on Sex
35. One good turn gets most of the blankets.
@
@ - Murphy's Laws on Sex
36. You cannot produce a baby in one month
@ by impregnating nine women.
@
@ - Murphy's Laws on Sex
37. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
@
@ - Murphy's Laws on Sex
38. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
@
@ - Murphy's Laws on Sex
39. Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.
@
@ - Murphy's Laws on Sex
40. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
@
@ - Murphy's Laws on Sex
41. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
@
@ - Murphy's Laws on Sex
42. Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.
@
@ - Murphy's Laws on Sex
43. A woman never forgets the men she could have had;
@ a man, the women he couldn't.
@
@ - Murphy's Laws on Sex
44. What matters is not the length of the wand,
@ but the magic in the stick.
@
@ - Murphy's Laws on Sex
45. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
@
@ - Murphy's Laws on Sex
46. Never say no.
@
@ - Murphy's Laws on Sex
47. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
@
@ - Murphy's Laws on Sex
48. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
@
@ - Murphy's Laws on Sex
49. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
@
@ - Murphy's Laws on Sex
50. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
@
@ - Murphy's Laws on Sex
51. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
@
@ - Murphy's Laws on Sex
52. Love comes in spurts.
@
@ - Murphy's Laws on Sex
53. The world does not revolve on an axis.
@
@ - Murphy's Laws on Sex
54. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation;
@ the other eight are unimportant.
@
@ - Murphy's Laws on Sex
55. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
@
@ - Murphy's Laws on Sex
56. Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
@
@ - Murphy's Laws on Sex
57. There is no difference between a wise man
@ and a fool when they fall in love.
@
@ - Murphy's Laws on Sex
58. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
@
@ - Murphy's Laws on Sex
59. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
@
@ - Murphy's Laws on Sex
60. "This won't hurt, I promise."
@
@ - Murphy's Laws on Sex
And I dance in time
@And the times are rough
@And I'll pay the price
@And I pray that it's enough
@ - "Chrome Plated Heart" by Melissa Etheridge
But tonight while I'm making excuses
@Some other woman is making love to you
@ - "Bring Me Some Water" by Melissa Etheridge
Baby tell me does she love you like the way I love you
@Does she stimulate you, attract and captivate you
@Tell me does she miss you
@Existing just to kiss you
@Like the way I do
@Tell me does she want you, infatuate and haunt you
@Does she know how to shock you, electrify and rock you
@Does she inject you, seduce you and affect you
@Like the way I do
@ - "Like The Way I Do" by Melissa Etheridge
'tis an ill wind that blows no minds.
There is no tyranny in the state of confusion.
No girdle ever cured a pregnancy
Freedom defined is freedom denied.
Egotism is the drug that soothes the pain of stupidity.
The confidence of ignorance will always overcome the indecision of knowledge.
Designed with your mind in mind by people who have in mind
@what you should have in mind.
Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny.
"We are getting into semantics again. If we use words, there is a
@very grave danger they will be misinterpreted."
@ -- H. R. Haldeman, testifying in his own defense.
Home is the place where, when you have to go there,
@ they have to take you in.
America is the country where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirin
@for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks.
Dawn: The time when men of reason go to bed. Certain old men prefer
@to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk with
@an empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then
@point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy
@health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,
@not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we
@find only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all
@the others who have tried it.
How many IBM CPUs does it take to execute a program?
@Ten. Nine to hold it down, and one to cut its head off.
Cynic: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as
@they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out
@a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
Few people think more than two or three times a year;
@I have made an international reputation for myself by
@ thinking once or twice a week.
@ -- George Bernard Shaw
WEILER'S LAW: Nothing is impossible for the man who does
@ not have to do it himself.
FINAGLE'S LAW: Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it
@ makes it worse.
RUDIN'S LAW: In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among
@ alternative courses of action, most people will choose
@ the worst one possible.
UNNAMED LAW: If it happens, it must be possible.
THE ULTIMATE PRINCIPLE: By definition, when you are investigating the unknown
@ you do not know what you will find.
Clarke's Third Law
@ Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
Commoner's Three Laws of Ecology
@ 1) No action is without side-effects.
@ 2) Nothing ever goes away.
@ 3) There is no free lunch.
Harvard Law
@ Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
@ temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the
@ organism will do as it damn well pleases.
Asked what he thought of Western civilization,
@M. K. Gandhi said, "I think it would be an excellent idea".
A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured
@and then quietly strangled.
"One Galileo in two thousand years is enough." -- Pope Pius XII
Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
Observation, and not old age, brings wisdom.
Every heart hath its own ache.
A man gazing at the stars is at the mercy of every puddle on the road.
Images I've seen
@Always you with me
@ It's in my dreams
@ -"Stay With Me Tonight" by Jeffrey Osborne
We start to kiss
@Ooh we start to neck
@You know what comes next and you love it girl
@ -"Stay With Me Tonight" by Jeffrey Osborne
What we had it feels so good
@And we both knew that it would
@Oh the feeling is so right
@Please come hold me tight
@Baby stay with me tonight
@ -"Stay With Me Tonight" by Jeffrey Osborne
Baby stay with me tonight
@Cause I love you
@You know I really do love you girl
@It's been my innermost fantasy
@To share and care and to give my love to you through the night
@ -"Stay With Me Tonight" by Jeffrey Osborne
Sometimes you're lucky, sometimes you're better off dead
@ -"Into the Fire" by Bryan Adams
You long for tomorrow, living each day as your last
@ -"Into the Fire" by Bryan Adams
But I know what your heart desires
@But you can't take it with you
@Into the fire
@ -"Into the Fire" by Bryan Adams
Now you've done all you can
@Your life's at the crossroads
@Watch as it slips through your hands
@ -"Into the Fire" by Bryan Adams
So you stand on the mountain, shout and scream at the sky
But nobody hears you, the words only echo inside
@ -"Into the Fire" by Bryan Adams
There's a moment in every man's life
@When he must decide what is wrong and what's right
@ -"Into the Fire" by Bryan Adams
She's the kind of lover that you've always dreamed
@ -"Victim of Love" by Bryan Adams
Heaven knows what you were thinking of
@Don't blame yourself you're just a victim of love
@ -"Victim of Love" by Bryan Adams
Sometimes things don't work out like you planned
@ -"Victim of Love" by Bryan Adams
Oh, there ain't nothing you can do about it
@Nothing ventured, nothing gained
@ -"Victim of Love" by Bryan Adams
A nymph, one of peace's proponents,
@Never fights, but seduces opponents
@Their violence she'll quell
@As if using a spell.
@You should see her material components.
She thought it was true love she had found
@When the handsome young centaur came around.
@But one roll in the hay,
@And he trotted away;
@He was only horsing around.
See I've got to find my baby
@Cause we need to work things out
@I've got to see that woman
@I can not do without her
@ -"Can't Wait" by Foreigner
And the nights go on forever
@These days I get no sleep
@And I miss her more than ever
@Inside where love runs deep
@ -"Can't Wait" by Foreigner
She's got that way about her now
@I never could resist
@ -"Can't Wait" by Foreigner
Baby, it's all I know
That you're half of the flesh, and blood makes me whole
@ - "Broken Wings" by Mr. Mister
I had a dream
@someday you and me
@will find ourselves
@in love again
@ - "I Had a Dream" by Brenda Starr
If there's one spark of hope left in my grasp
@I'll hold it with both hands
@It's worth the burning
@To have a second chance
@ - "I Had a Dream" by Brenda Starr
If we belive that true love
@never has to end
@then we must know that we will love again
@ - "I Had a Dream" by Brenda Starr
I still believe
@that someday you and me
@will find ourselves
@in love again
@ - "I Had a Dream" by Brenda Starr
Another night slowly closes in
@ and i feel so
@ lonely
@Touching you freezing out of my skin
@ i pretend you still hold me
@ - "The Flame" by Cheap Trick
I'm going crazy, i'm losing sleep
@I'm in too far I'm in way too deep
@ over you
@I can't believe you're gone
@ - "The Flame" by Cheap Trick
Wherever you go, I'll be with you
@Whatever you want, I'll give it to you
@Whenever you need someone to lay your heart and hand upon
@Remmember after the fire after all the rain
@I will be the flame
@ - "The Flame" by Cheap Trick
Watching shadows move across the wall
@Feel so frightened
@I want to run to you I want to call
@But I've been hit by lightning
@ - "The Flame" by Cheap Trick
Just can't stand up, the falling apart
@Can't see through this spell across my heart
@ over you
@You'll always be the one
@ - "The Flame" by Cheap Trick
I'm going crazy, i'm losing sleep
@I'm in too far
@I'm in way too deep
@ over you
@You'll always be the one
@ - "The Flame" by Cheap Trick
"Friendship is a thing sensed inwardly as much as a thing pledged openly.
@One feels friendship and becomes bound by it."
@ - Kimber, "The Wishsong of Shannara"
"A man is always prey to his truths.
@Once he has admitted them he cannot free himself from them."
@ - Albert Camus
"Truth is the most horrible joke of all."
@ - Portuguese Proverb
"Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone,
@you may still exist, but you have ceased to live."
@ - Mark Twain
"When the gods wish to punish us, they answer our prayers."
@ - Oscar Wilde
What about me
@It isn't fair
@I've had enough
@Now I want my share
@And now I'm standin' on a corner
@On a world gone home
@Nobody's changed, nobody's been saved
@And I'm feelin' cold and alone
@I guess I'm lucky, I smile a lot
@But sometimes I wish for more than I've got
@ - "What About Me" by Triumph
Expressions
@
@'I love you'
@A phrase that has been
@ coined many times,
@During moonlit hours and
@ quiet conversations,
@Or over dinners and bottles
@ of fine wines.
@It can be said with the mouth,
@It can be sworn to in the
@ face of god,
@But it means the most
@When said with the heart.
@
@ - Howard Kapustein