Category : BBS Programs+Doors
Archive   : SHMPGE30.ZIP
Filename : SHAMPAGE.DAT

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25
What drugs are you on?
Geesh, I let ANYBODY on this BBS, don't I?
I don't care WHO you are! Get those reindeer off my roof!
What the heck do YOU want?
Is it true that you've never paid for a piece of software?
This is a fried egg on drugs. Any questions?
Don't you have anything better to do than stare at a computer screen?
If I was you, I'd be out partying
So, how bored ARE you?
Rich ain't here, this is the cleaning lady
Damn! It's just you. When the bell rang, I was hoping it was Kathy Willets!
So how's your love life?
I have other things I could be doing right now
You know, nobody pays me to do this
Damn! Who let YOU in here?
C'mon, you can tell me. What's your REAL age?
Did you know that BBSing is a SICKNESS?
So, what's your REAL name anyhow?
Did you know that I'm sleeping with your sister?
My head hurts, my feet stink, and I don't love Jesus. How's your day going?
I only have time for a quickie
Tell me everything you know. You have 2 minutes
Whatever your question, the answer is NO!
How did I get here, and WHO are YOU?
Welcome to Margaritaville
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; These are lines sent when no keyword match occurs
; The format is:
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; NOMATCH
; NUMBER OF REPLIES (Maximum of 10)
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NOMATCH
10
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Go work for Disney, THEN you can be Dopey for a living!
When are you going to get an agent & quit handling yourself?
Do you really give a rat's ass?
What am I DOING here???
OK, OK! I lied! My name is really Tyler Burns!
Hmmmm. Tell me about your favorite X-Rated GIF.
Like I care...
Do you have ANY idea what time it is?
Right. I think I hear your mother calling you.
You've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a crap.
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; Following are the key words to check. You may have up to 100 key words.
; Key words must be in UPPER CASE!
;
; If you want to check for an EXACT match of a whole word only, surround it
; with spaces. If your key word contains any spaces, encase it in quotes.
; For example: key word = TRUCK will match FIRETRUCK, TRUCKFULL & TRUCK;
; key word = " TRUCK " will only match TRUCK
; The format is:
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; KEYWORD
; NUMBER OF REPLIES (Maximum of 10 per KEYWORD)
; REPLY 1
; REPLY 2
; REPLY 3
; etc.
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ACCESS
8
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I don't want it now, I want it RIGHT now!
Sure. You want kiddie access, right?
More Access? Sure hit [Alt] H now.
More Access, more access... all I ever hear is 'I want more access'!
Access THIS!
Hit [Alt] H for FREE unlimited access!
Can I have access to your sister?
Do you want 'Kathy Willets Access' or 'Sheriff Nick Access'?
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ADULT
9
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Does your wife give good headache?
How do you cure a woman of Nymphomania? Marry her!
My computer can screw harder and deeper than your computer!
Computer sex is nothing compared to the real thing.
A penny for your thoughts; $20 to act it out.
Damn! Another PERVERT online!
Upload a nude GIF of yourself and I'll give you access.
Sure I have adult areas. Call back when you grow up.
I was in the middle of some LIVE Adult Access when you paged me!
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" ASS"
5
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A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste!
You're making quite an ass out of yourself.
I prefer the word 'donkey'.
Nobody likes a smart ASS!
I dumped my old girlfriend because one asshole in my pants is enough.
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AWESOME
6
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Come back in 10 years when you're all grown up!
You have a great vocabulary.
Silence is golden. So shut up and get rich!
That's the problem with the gene pool - no lifeguard.
Gag me with a spoon!
Gnarly!
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BBS
4
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I could've BBS'ed all night...
What's this 'BBS' thing you keep talking about?
You don't like it here, call the Onyx BBS!
No, BBS doesn't stand for 'Big Black Stud'!
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BITCH
3
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Is Thai pussy extra spicy?
Mexican women taste like recycled beans.
I like to eat out. And in-and-out.
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" BLOW "
2
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Blow this!
Blow it out your ass!
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BOARD
3
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Did you mean to say 'board' or 'bored'?
The source code is on drive B
This is just your typical leech board.
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BRIDGE
1
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Yeah, this IS DrawBridge BBS.
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BUSY
6
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I think you need call-waiting.
That's weird - I never get a busy signal here!
As a freakin' bee...
That's why they invented auto-redial, turkey!
Well, if you'd just get a life, you could be busy too!
Try calling from another phone.
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" CAN "
4
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Why not?
If I knew, I wouldn't tell you.
I'd rather talk about something else?
Sure.
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" CHERI "
5
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Screw Cheri!
I slept with Cheri once. She's actually a prude.
Cheri's all talk - no action!
Guess who got Cheri's cherry!
This is most definitely NOT the stupid Cheri program!
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" COCK"
3
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What would you do with that hot rod?
Is a man with his penis up his ass called a cocktail?
Roosters crow the most who sow the least.
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COMPUTER
9
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IBM sucks, Apple has worms, and Commodores don't even make good doorstops.
But have you ever slept with a PC?
At least you never owe alimony to a PC.
Can you talk dirty in machine language?
Sure this is a computer. And you're chopped liver?
Shut up about computers already. I'm sick of them!
That does not compute...
Commodore 64
No, this is a real live human being you are chatting with.
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COOL
6
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Come back in 10 years when you're all grown up!
You have a great vocabulary.
Silence is golden. So shut up and get rich!
That's the problem with the gene pool - no lifeguard.
Gag me with a spoon!
Gnarly!
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" COST"
5
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You must be 1) female and 2) willing to sleep with the SysOp!
Send me your first-born son - I'll see what I can do.
Well, it's cheaper than those 1-900 smut numbers you call!
Ask about our special Kathy Willets rate for adult access.
How much did you make last year? Send it in.
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CRAP
10
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Nice mouth!
Is that the same mouth you use to kiss your mother?
I nominate you for Public Enema #1.
Are you feeling lucky, punk?
If this were the REAL world, You'd be in TROUBLE!
A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste!
Nice talk, garbage-mouth.
I'm surprised you can spell that.
Nothing that a little Ex-Lax won't cure.
What's the matter... can't spell SHIT?
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" CUNT "
3
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I just love it when the bitch is dripping cum juice!
You cunt take it with you...
I cunt hear you. Fart louder!
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" CUTE"
1
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Yeah. You're cute too!
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" DICK"
3
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How thick is it?
I have 12 inches. And that's just my power cord.
Sounds like you have a bad case of penis envy.
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" DOOR"
5
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Ah! The Doors! C'mon Baby, Light My Fire!
Don't look now, but YOUR barn door's open!
I think you have to run Windows for that.
You need to go to the door menu for the doors, Einstein!
The Ferengi destroyed all the doors last night...
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DOWNLOAD
7
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Maybe if you tried uploading something WORTHWHILE for a change.
Download THIS!
Does your computer have a [Page Up] key? Have you located it yet?
Hit [Alt] H to get to the File Menu.
Try F-modem next time!
You want a good program, read TV Guide.
DOWNLOAD, v. - See rape.
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" DUDE "
6
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Come back in 10 years when you're all grown up!
You have a great vocabulary.
Silence is golden. So shut up and get rich!
That's the problem with the gene pool - no lifeguard.
Gag me with a spoon!
Gnarly!
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" ELIZA "
3
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Screw Eliza!
I slept with Eliza once. She's not that good!
No, this is NOT that idiot Eliza program!
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FEMALE
3
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What a bitch.
Are you having your period, or just a question mark?
Just hanging around looking for women?
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" FILE"
6
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You file piggies are all alike...
File THIS.

File? What kind would you like? Rasp? Nail file?
Sheeet! You already have more files than I do!
Yeah, I have LOTS of files. Don't you wish you did?
Mike Tyson & Jeffrey Dahlmer called today looking for files too.
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FRIENDLY
2
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You want friendly, go to an ice cream store.
I hear your mother is pretty 'user friendly' too...
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FUCK
10
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Is that the same mouth you use to kiss your dog?
I'm a fan of Doogie (Howser) style, myself.
Fuck you too!
Yeah, that's what your mother said, too.
Do you realize your father is a mother fucker?
Fuck THIS!
Is that the same mouth you use to kiss your mother?
And fuck the horse you rode in on too!
Fuck you too!
Nice mouth!
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FUNNY
1
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So you think that's funny, huh? You're warped!
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" GAME"
2
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You need to go to the door menu for the games, Einstein!
The Ferengi destroyed all my online games doors last night...
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GIRL
6
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A girl a day keeps the wife away.
I got a Harley-Davidson for my girlfriend - GOOD TRADE!
I have one rule - I never sleep with anyone who doesn't look at least 13.
What a pervert!
I've met your girlfriend. OINK, OINK!
I prefer WOMEN, myself.
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HAHA
2
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So you think that's funny, huh? You're warped!
Sometimes I kill myself!
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HELLO
3
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I already said hello... what's the matter with you???
Goodbye...
I never give greetings at this time of day!
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HELP
7
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God helps those who help themselves. Trouble is, there's no God.
'Help' - one of my favorite Beatles tunes...
Sorry, the help man is on vacation. Please ask again in two weeks.
Read the stinkin' Docs!
Sorry, you've already used your quota of help today.
You must be joking!
You're beyond help.
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HMM
3
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Hum a little tune for me...
I know you're thinking... I can smell the brain cells burning...
What's wrong? Your brain has an interrupt conflict?
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HOBBY
1
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HOBBY??? You think I do this for a living???
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" HOSER "
1
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Some of my best friends are hosers!
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" HOW"
7
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How?
How? Ask Pee Wee Herman.
How??? Kawabunga!
Bozos. I am surrounded by Bozos!
How? Are you some kinda Injun or something?
Don't ask me, ask Sheriff Nick.
If I knew how, I wouldn't be here farting around with YOU.
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HUMAN
1
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Hunan? No, I prefer Szechuan.
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I'
6
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Were you born this way, or did you have to take asshole lessons?
What would you like me to do to make you feel happy?
It must be hard to walk, with your head up your ass like that.
Can't you talk about anything besides yourself?
But what about MY feelings?
Who cares about you as a person, anyway?
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INSULT
1
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Would I insult my number 832 user?
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" LICK "
2
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Lick, suck, fuck...I do it all.
Know the speed limit on Hwy. 69? Lickety-Split!
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MACHINE
9
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Want to see my hard drive?
IBM sucks, Apple has worms, and Commodores don't even make good doorstops.
At least you never owe alimony to a PC.
But have you ever slept with a PC?
Can you talk dirty in machine language?
Sure this is a computer. And you're chopped liver?
My name is HAL, nice to meet you.
You're the jerk sitting there conversing with a dumb machine!
Shut up about computers already. I'm sick of them!
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MAIL
5
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Ask your mailman.
You want mail? Try SENDING some!
I don't DO mail!
Too cheap to buy a lousy 30› postage stamp?
Beats the hell out of the Post Office, doesn't it?
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MAYBE
5
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And maybe not? Aww gee.
When I say maybe, it usually means NO!
Doing your George Bush wimp imitation again?
Jeez, what a decisive S.O.B. you are!
No two ways about it, right?
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" ME "
4
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Do you live in front of your mirror?
Are you the one who used to be a pile driver for Preparation H?
Don't you have anything INTERESTING to talk about?
Me, me, me... is that all you ever think about?
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MOTHER
2
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Is it true that 'mother' is only half-a-word?
Did you know Mother's Day is the biggest holiday of the year in Harlem?
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" MY"
3
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My my my...
You really have a point there. Wear a hat and it won't show.
When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
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NEVER
1
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Never say never...
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" NO "
4
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Yes!
You're being contrary and obnoxious again.
Oh, gee, smile a little. Loosen up. Maybe you'll get lucky.
Such a negative attitude.
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" NOPE "
4
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Yes!
You're being contrary and obnoxious again.
Oh, gee, smile a little. Loosen up. Maybe you'll get lucky.
Such a negative attitude.
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" NOT"
3
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There are worse things than a wimp. You, for example
Are you just being negative?
I disagree.
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" PISS"
3
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Life is tough... then you die.
ERROR 42. PAST MENOPAUSE.
Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
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POSSIBLE
3
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Not likely.
Anything's possible.
Possible... but not probable.
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PROGRAM
1
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My favorite program is 'Beverly Hillbillies'
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PUSSY
3
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I just joined pussyholics anonymous.
Life is a bitch... then you marry one.
Meow!
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" REAL "
4
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Can you talk dirty in machine language?
But have you ever slept with a PC?
I'm a machine all right. A pretty darn SMART one!
Shut up about computers already!
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" SEX"
3
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Where do you go when you want to get laid?
My computer can do it harder and deeper than your computer!
Computer sex is nothing compared to the real thing.
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SHIT
10
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Nice mouth!
Is that the same mouth you use to kiss your mother?
I nominate you for Public Enema #1.
Are you feeling lucky, punk?
If this were the REAL world, You'd be in TROUBLE!
A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste!
Nice talk, garbage-mouth.
I'm surprised you can spell that.
Nothing that a little Ex-Lax won't cure.
You seem to have a solid waste fixation.
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STRANGE
1
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You're strange too. I like that in a person!
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STUPID
1
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Stupid??? You're the one who's chatting with a dumb machine!
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" SUCK"
6
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Whatsamatter - you've forgotten how to fuck?
Suck THIS!
PC Bored also sucks, come to think of it.
What's the matter? Your 'F' key broken?
So does your grandmother.
IBM also sucks, who cares?
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SYSOP
7
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SYSOP n. - see masochist
You want to be a SysOp??? Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
Hey, I'm out of bed and dressed. What the hell more do you want?
I'm not arrogant... I'm just BETTER than you.
I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
Yes, this is the SysOp. But you can call me Sir.
SysOp? What the heck is this thing you call 'SysOp'?
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THANK
2
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You're welcome.
Any time...
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" TIME"
9
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There's no time like the future.
Say what? You already have TOO MUCH time online here!
All everybody wants is more time, more time, more time.
What would you do with it if I gave you more time?
Mike Tyson wishes he had LESS time!
Time. That's a magazine, isn't it?
Time's fun when you're having flies.
Geez, that's funny. I never run out of time here.
Try spending some money on a fast modem instead of fast women!
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" TYPE "
2
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I went to the 'Hunt & Peck' school for typists.
Yeah, I type fast... for a SysOp!
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UPLOAD
4
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Your last batch of uploads went straight into the circular file!
Try uploading something USEFUL for a change.
No thank you. I already have Autoexec.Bat & Config.Sys
Sure. And the check is in the mail too, right?
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WHEN
4
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Time's fun when you're having flies.
After dinner.
When the rivers run dry.
When Hell turns to Lime Jello.
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WHERE
6
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Wherever you go, there you are.
In jail.
Where would you like to be?
In the bathroom.
In bed with your sister.
Somewhere over the rainbow.
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WHO
5
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And just who the heck are YOU?
Who am I? Just the cleaning lady.
Stop with the 'Who' already! You sound like a freakin' owl!
I give up, who am I?
I'll give you three guesses.
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WHY
5
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Because that's the way it is.
Why? Because we like you! Ask M-I-C-K-E-Y.
Did you just ask me why? Why?
Sometimes there is no reason. Shit Happens.
Why not?
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WOMAN
4
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And here I thought you were gay.
Yeah, I'm a graduate of Slippery Dick U.
Like the bumper sticker that said, THIS RABBIT DIED FOR YOUR SINS.
Women! Can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em!
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WOMEN
8
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And here I thought you were gay.
I know all about yo momma, son.
When you say mother, are you typing the whole word, or just half?
Most women are slime.
You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think...
What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull? Lipstick!
Bigamy: Too many wives. Monogamy: See Bigamy.
Women! Can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em!
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WORK
8
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It only works when you're not looking.
Work is the curse of the partying class!
A penny earned is cheap labor.
Ouch!!! The W word!
But have you ever heard of someone going blind WORKING with himself?
Nothing from IBM works.
'Work!' WATCH your language!
Yeah, ask Kathy Willets about work...
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YEAH
4
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Not now. Maybe later.
I forgot the question. What were we talking about?
Yes? Are you THAT easy?
That's 'si' to you. You're in South Florida now!
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YES
4
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Not now. Maybe later.
I forgot the question. What were we talking about?
Yes? Are you THAT easy?
That's 'si' to you. You're in South Florida now!
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"YOUR NAME"
7
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My name Jose Jimenez.
Tell me your REAL name, and maybe I'll tell you mine.
What's the matter, you can't read?
OK, OK! I lied! My name is really Tyler Burns!
My name is Rich, but you may call me 'Your Royal SysOp'.
Rich, Rich, Bo Bich, Bonana-fana Fo Fich, Fi Fie Mo Mich...
I ain't telling (but I can see yours at the bottom of my screen!).